My 8 year old is in 3rd grade. He has no friends. He is 5 foot tall and 122 lbs. He has a big brown birthmark on his upper lip. He just got braces. He is the biggest kid in his class, way bigger. He gets great grades, Likes just about everything. He is a very lonely boy. Today I dropped him off and he went to his class line. He approached the boys in his class, (about 7 in a group) and said something. No one even looked at him. He went back to where he was standing with his hands in his pockets and stood by himself until the bell. He is never shy about approaching kids, but he is so often ignored. This happens at swimming, skating, just about everywhere we go. He is a good looking boy with a big smile. I think it is his size, and birthmark and the fact that he lives with Grandma and Grandpa instead of Mom and Dad. We have invited kids his age over and to go places many times, but a friendship or connection never develops. What can we do? I can see he is starting to pull into himself. He tried so hard in the past to make friends. Lately is seems like he is giving up. Do we need professional help?
Thanks for your quick replies. For clarification my boy just finished up the season on a competitive swim team. This was 6 days a week. He is involved in speed skating at the local roller rink 3 days a week. He is a big boy, but not obese. His father is 6'4" 300 lbs and all muscle. His mother is 6' and thin. He is a very good swimmer and made it to the championships. Very few of his team mates did. His size is an issue, He weights 2 or 3 times more than his peers. 8 year olds are very physical in their play and he dominates so much that he scares the other boys. He hears daily that he his dirt on his lip. It is something that can't be taken off and before checking with a dermatologist, I asked him if he wanted it removed, He was emphatic that he didn't want it removed. I just don't know how to make suggestions or give advice to help him. Big kid, big heart and I hate to see that lost. When he smiles, it lights up the whole room.
(sigh) I just want to hug him.
work with the school counselor. It's amazing how much they can help kids find great pathways for success. :)
& I think you're an amazing grparent!
This breaks my heart. Maybe the teacher would be a good place to start. She might have some insight and suggestions. Maybe she knows others in the same situation that could use a friend.
While it's great that he has done swim team and has the speed skating as an activity, please consider getting him into a non-sports activity for this school year! You say he makes great grades so he might be interested in anything such as a science club, Lego robotics (it does exist at elementary school level), math club, chess club, or things such as drama club if he's at all interested -- and so on. If he likes art, art lessons at the local community center etc.
In short, he could use something where he is having fun and doing an activity he likes but that is not a sport or physical activity where other kids see only his size. He also needs to find other kids with whom he can share common interests.
It would be good to get him into activities at his school where he will interact with other kids who share interests with him. Then, when they later interact in classes or on the playground, he will seem less like "the big intimidating kid" and will just be that guy they know from chess club or the guy who was so funny in after-school drama class.
If your area and school just don't have these kinds of activities, please consider taking the lead and being "that person" who steps in and volunteers to start it and lead it for a while. Other parents will love you for it and will step up.
I would also seriously look into Cub Scouts for him, or whatever other similar organizations exist in your area for boys (or boys and girls) that build character and have fun activities. A well-run Scout troop with a solid and understanding leader should be a welcoming place for him where he will not be made to feel odd for being so large or having a birthmark (any decent leader would not tolerate one second of teasing etc. over such things). Scouting also can really build a kid's self-respect and make him feel that he EARNS others' respect -- it has done so much for our godson, who has the opposite issue from your boy: Our godson was very, very tiny for his age and as a result was overlooked by some adults, teased by peers, etc. but he had good scoutmasters and now, starting his junior year in high school, is a respected young man and a leader in his troop and his church too. His mom and dad say scouting really helped with that. There are other somewhat similar civic-minded groups for kids if Scouts is not for you.
If you are churchgoers, does your church or synagogue have a kids' group and, later, a youth group? If not, you might want to look for a church with one.
Regarding the birthmark, that's settled for now, but please remember to check back in with him as he gets close to middle school. Technology changes and later, it might be removable if he wants that. He may say no at this point, but please check with a dermatologist again as he approaches middle school, when kids can become much more sensitive about their own looks. He might start to want it removed but be afraid to ask about it, and by that time, there might have been advances that mean it could be removed or lightened. I am NOT saying that it's bad or wrong to have a birthmark, and if he sees it as part of who he is and something that's unique and fine with him, he should absolutely keep it--it's entirely his call. But be willing to check in with him as he gets closer to being a teen. For now, if he is handling the daily "dirty face" comments well--praise him a ton for how well he does handle it!
One other thought -- as he gets older he's going to get pressured to be an athlete whether he wants to or not. Be prepared for that so he doesn't feel he "must" do it if it's not his thing. If it is, great, but I think of my friend's very, very tall son (well over 6 feet in eighth grade) who is constantly asked by adults, "When are you going to play basketball? Don't you want too play basketball?" when he has no interest and wants to do stuff like design computer code and play the violin... There might be assumptions on the part of many adults who see your boy that because of his size, he's only interested in, or only good at, athletics. Please nip that in the bud or he'll endure years and years of being asked all the time, "Do you wrestle/play football/play basketball/whatever? Why not? You should! You ought to!" If that's his thing eventually that's fine but I can't stand it when people assume that a large kid must play football or a tall kid must play basketball, etc. Just something to be ready for as the parent of a kid with a certain build.
At third grade, I'd try even approaching his teacher and asking if he/she can pair him up with another boy who might be having trouble making friends or who has that sweet kind of personality where he'd welcome your son into the group he already has. Teachers can be a great resource. In fact, at our back to school night, ours encouraged parents to mention concerns just like this so she can get things on a positive track right away.
When I was new to a school in 1st grade, the teacher right away paired me up with a friendly girl in class. She became my best friend and we're still in touch now almost 40 years later.
My daughter was in a situation similar to your son's in many ways. The underlying reasons were different, but the results were similar.
Her school's guidance counselor had several good ideas. She met with my daughter a couple of times and gave her some advice about conversation starters, and made my daughter just feel more at ease. There was also a group that my daughter joined - to put it bluntly it was for kids who were having a hard time adjusting, and difficulties in making friends, but of course they gave it a nice-sounding name like "peer-to-peer sharing group" or something. Anyway, the kids understood each other and the guidance counselor gave them all encouragement, and it was a good group. Maybe if you ask your son's guidance counselor, there are some options or suggestions for helping your son.
Ultimately, due to our daughter's medical problems, we enrolled her in online school. It turned out to be a life-saver. There were social events (bowling parties, meet-the-teacher at coffee shops, picnics, field trips) and she found understanding, empathy, support, acceptance, and friends. Yes, much of it was online, but with texting, facebook, online classes, chats through the school website, she survived quite well.
Perhaps get him into an activity where he can be with likeminded kids. If he's around kids who are enthusiastic about the same things, it may give him the "in" to form new friendships and feel more confident about himself in general. Maybe something where brains is admired over brawn. Or with slightly older children (maybe 9/10) who are more his size. My daughter is the small one, and often her classmates tower over her (a head or more). She sometimes chooses to play with the younger kids if the older ones are ignoring her.
My DD has a cafe au lait mark on her leg. We jokingly say that's where I spilled coffee on her when she was a baby. She knows it's just a birthmark, a pigment of skin. If he gets nervous about his birthmark, teach him to say, "Oh, yeah, it's just a birthmark," and move on. Kids ask questions and many of them are just curious vs mean.
ChristyLee, 5' tall and 122 lbs is morbidly obese? I'm 5'2", 120 lbs, and wear a size four.
R., it's unfortunate but kids do sometimes ostracize those who are different. He will eventually find his tribe, but it may take time.
Enroll him in activities that he enjoys. That way, he has a built-in point of common interest with the other kids.
Poor little guy. I doubt the problem is any of the things you mention. I see kids of all shapes, sizes, looks, and living situations become friends in elementary school. Maybe he needs a better way to connect with others.
Does he play on any teams or participate in any clubs? I think that is where I would start. I know not every kid likes sports, but that is where most of my experience is, so I'll use it as an example. On a team, kids each fill a role (1st baseman, offensive lineman, point guard, whatever depending on the sport). As kids fill that role, it gives them a structure to interact with others and a common topic to talk about - the game. Kids who are already friends might sit together on the bench, but during the game, everyone interacts with everyone else - it's what makes a team sport great. It doesn't make them instant friends, but it puts them together frequently so that they can get to know each other. Not every kid is going to click as a friend, but at some point someone will. And in the meantime, he's having fun with peers (assuming he things playing a sport is fun).
Some activities outside of sports can do this, but it really needs structure to work. For example, boy scouts can be a great experience. But unless there is a REALLY great leader, it's sometimes not all that structured, and kids who are already friends might stick together, and leave someone who they don't know feeling left out. So when picking an activity, really think about how structured the activity is - the more, the better.
ETA: It sounds like he likes sports, and so I wouldn't give up on that. But of the sports out there, swimming and speed skating are really individual. I know there is a swim team, but each person competes on an individual basis and then the scores are added. When kids are on a football or baseball field, they are truly working together - lineman blocks so the QB can throw; outfielder fields the ball and throws it to the 1st baseman. That is what I mean by a structured activity. Something that is designed to have the child directly interact with other kids as part of the activity.
The truth is we can't tell much about his health from the information you've provided. If you put his stats (or ANY child's for that matter) into a BMI calculator you will get wildly differing results just by changing the age variable. He's a big kid for his age and if you feel he's unhealthy please do make an appointment with his doctor.
Like another poster, I agree this may not have much to do with his weight or appearance. I know "fat" kids who are well liked and happy. I think some children (and adults) just struggle socially more than others. Try to figure out in what situations he is most at ease and accepted then follow that path.
Teams of any type are great because of the teammate philosophy. They will support each other and rise and fall together. If that doesn't seem like his thing what about martial arts? Robotics? Music? Theatre? Chess club? Scouts? Look for activities where he will be with other kids but they are managed as a group by an adult. That way he'll be interacting without being totally on his own.
I would also think about who it is he is approaching and being shunned by. There must be other kids without a ton of friends. Have him seek out children who might be more receptive. Approaching a group of boys who are friends and already engaged in conversation is tough. Children lack typical adult social graces, ignoring a newcomer is pretty common.
You know best if he'd benefit from counseling but just like discussing his weight be careful in how you bring it up. You do not want him to feel like there's all this stuff wrong with him, particularly since you've clearly stated he has so much going for him. Confidence in any form is his greatest strength. Focus on what he does well, how he is a person worthy of friendship and he will find a place to fit in.
My son is about the same age: I will say that it took him a while to fine his group where he fit. He's made some nice connections with other kids in his Lego/robotics type classes he took after school, and I have to say, that was more helpful than the judo lessons or rock climbing in helping him to gain some confidence socially. Having common interests is important. This is how he's made more inroads with his peers... they need to have something to talk about. He also started making origami items for classmates during recess and that drew a different group of boys who wanted to learn. He just started doing it for himself and it exploded.
I'd also say that it never hurt to do a little advertising. My son will approach about any kid wearing a Lego or Minecraft t-shirt. Consider what your boy's other interests are and think about how he might go about letting other kids know. Sometimes simple things can be ice breakers.
First of all, make sure this is bothering HIM. Lots of times, we, as moms, project a LOT onto social situations.
Second, make sure he knows that his characteristics are what make him special and HIM. Find books, movies with that message.
Third, if the above point to him desiring more social interaction, definitely wnlist the help of his teacher or guidance counselor. O. teacher did this for a boy in my sons class--checking with me to check with my son. My son just occasionally asked him to sit by him at lunch, join in a playground game, etc. worked out really well.
Good luck!
My 7th grader is 5'2" and weighs 125 and he is by no means obese. Very muscular as a matter of fact. Kids are CRUEL when someone is "different". Sadly, it's a fact. I would help him find things that he does exceedingly well. That will boost his confidence and help him find likeminded kids. I would also talk with his teacher about possible friendships within the class. Just because you don't see anyone talking with him, doesn't mean they don't. We went through something similar and his teacher suggested striking up a friendship with another shy boy who also needed a friend. That worked very well until they moved the next year.
Help him find a place to belong, a church youth group, scouts, soccer? It'll be okay, just support him and reassure him that everyone goes though rough patches. My best....
Is there anything about why the kids wont engage with him? What is his attitude like?
I know kids can be very cruel especially when kids are on the chunky side.
FYI ladies he is not obese, just a little above average for his height. His BMI is normal.
Maybe he should focus on making one friend and go from there. I think when kids are in school they are pushed to be friends with everyone and that everyone should like each other. We all know that is not realistic.
Also, doesn't he have friends that are involved with the same activities? If he is showing signs of depression then yes you shoudl seek professional help.
I'm very sorry. It is so hard to see our kids sad. I looked up his weight and height on a BMI chart and for an 8 year + 8 month old, he comes up as obese. The 8 months was random. Being overweight doesn't seem to stop some kids from making friends but others it does. So work on that and of course it's a big health risk. I agree with someone to try to see if you can get the birthmark lightened and if he wants to. And then I'd get him very into sports. It'll help him lose weight and make friends. Maybe martial arts should be one. It seems to help kids who are struggling. And if he stays big, meaning tall and muscular, he should do well in certain sports so might as well take advantage. Good luck.
EDITED: I removed my mention of his being overweight, since I was clearly incorrect.
R., I'm so glad to read your response and that he is already involved, healthy and in athletics. It sounds like it really IS just a "big kid."
To be honest, it sounds like you are already being so supportive and just need to continue to do so. It's tough to be different and not feel accepted. Unfortunately he's learning at an early age that not everyone will like him, and that he can't be full-out rough and tumble like the other, smaller kids. Perhaps he could get involved in wrestling, since it's by weight class instead of age group? That might be something he'd enjoy. You're doing a great job, and it's clear how very much you love him.
I don't have any good answers for you - but I can totally empathize with your situation. My son is 16 and has zero friends. Really - zero. He has a number of unusual behaviors due to his mental health issues. I know it isn't quite the same thing that you are dealing with, but it still equals the same thing - no friends.
I can share with you what I have tried in the past with my kiddo and if his behaviors weren't so unusual, it likely would have worked. We did do a lot of community education classes through our school district (lego building, basketball, science classes, etc.). Also, perhaps consider looking for an after school activity that he enjoys - you would be surprised at how many there are. Consider (if you have time) volunteering at his school or at any thing he joins. Sometimes when the parents/grandparents are really involved it helps with acceptance between the kids. Boy scouts would be a great thing. Also a karate class is great for kids, too.
3rd - 6th grade can be tough for kids who don't fit in for one reason or another and keeping him busy will alleviate a lot of the "stress" that he feels to make a friend and may also allow him to find a group of "peeps" that he can hang out with.
One more thing - is he athletic at all? With his size, I would see if you could get him in either basketball or football. Kids his size are hard to come by and can be a real asset to a team, which can be a great way for kids to accept his size (which could totally change in a couple years and he ends up being the "little kid"!).
Good luck!
My daughter took a girl under her wing in second grade. By the beginning of third grade she realized why no one wanted to play with her, including all my daughter's friends.
She came home in tears about a week into school. The group was going to kick this other girl out. My daughter felt like she had to go with her because she brought her in....and she was so torn because she knew it would break this little girls heart, but she didn't want to give up all her friends that she had had for the past three years.
I know all the children involved and the little girl is just different. She didn't play like the others they thought her games were strange.
I went with my daughter to the school counselor. I let my daughter do the talking. The counselor promised she would help mediate. After my daughter left I gave examples of what this other little girl was like and what she liked to play, etc. I even mentioned a new girl that had just moved to the school who seemed similar to her.
The counselor intervened and actually introduced the two girls and another one I didn't know...and now the tree of them are happy together and my daughter and her friends are happy that everyone has someone to play with.
So, my point is...go to the school counselor with out your son and explain the situation and they if they will help make a match. Find someone who matches your son's interests and also is in need of a friend.
Oh and take that boy to the dermatologist to get the birthmark checked out!!! Kids are just cruel!! My daughter had one on her cheek and I got it removed ASAP. Why keep something that can be removed with no scar and will always make the other children pick on him? Of course he doesn't want it removed that sounds scary. But the doctor may say it needs to be removed or not....either way get it off his face!! Life is hard enough without dealing with that...good luck!!
That's a tough situation, I feel for you. Only suggestion I have is to get him involved in a team sport. Swimming and skating are great sports, but they are individual. Soccer, baseball, hockey, football - all require teammates to interact which might lead to some friendships for him. Good luck!
My boys are big, they have some weight to lose, but if that ever prompted other children to be mean to them I would be LIVID. So even if your son is overweight, shame on the kids and the parents of the kids who are being mean - that is not the first thing we should look at in society.
I am so sorry your son is dealing with this. My youngest is 8 and it would break my heart if any of my kids had this issue.
I recommend trying to find activities he likes (sports, reading, art, science, chess, whatever) and he can find people he has similar interests with. Ask the teacher to keep an eye and give you some insight on his interactions during the day. Can she help you help him by role playing?
My heart is sad for him...my children know that the way people look is NO reason to treat them differently and all 3 of mine actually seek out the child who isn't involved and involve them. I wish others would teach their kids to do the same.
Added: My 8 year old is also 5 feet tall and has 10 pounds on yours. My son is very social and has tons of friends in school and in his extra activities. He isn't judged because he is bigger...so I still disagree with that. I was also abnormally tall most of my life (I'm 6'1 now) and didn't have issues because I was tall (and also heavier).
My kids don't have this issue, but even so I'm intending to speak with each teacher about making sure my kids include everyone (to my knowledge they do-we discuss it often at home), and ask them directly if they feel any kids are left out in their classes..this is a pretty hot topic right now. There are lots of posts going around the internet about how teachers can do things to figure out which kids are being alienated and include them in things. If you have a nice, discreet talk with some of the staff-maybe don't even tell your son-to keep an eye out and keeps things fairly mixed somehow, they may very well take some action. I'm appalled that kids neglecting other kids is so rampant and easy to do. It only takes a couple of good kids to turn the tide and bring someone into the fold. I have several adult friends who are very tall and were the tallest in their classes. They often tell stories of how it was hard to fit in :( So sorry, and blessings to you! I actually don't think the birthmark is too much of an issue on its own-and he may change his mind and opt to remove one day. My youngest had a big strawberry one on her nose (faded now) that looked like a bad boo boo and she was constantly asked "what happened?" but it wasn't an issue once she explained it was a birthmark. I also see some birthmarks in other kids, big wine stains and such, and they seem to be fitting in ok according to my kids. I'm hoping this will all pass with time! It probably will, but don't feel bad reaching out to people who will listen!
Also, my son is 7 and has no "best friend", most of the kids are pretty scrambled, so don't worry that there's no deep connections yet. And mine hasn't been in as many activities. As boys mature they often get more inclusive. I see ragamuffin teenage tribes of misfit friends all over our town of all colors, orientations and physical statures from super skinny to obese...one high school kid next door is black (our ton is mostly white), EXTREMELY tall, like maybe close to 7 feet, EXTREMELY skinny, and has SEVERE acne. He's actually popular-walks by a lot or skateboards with friends- and works at McDonalds and I always see him laughing with people...so I think things will get better, honest!
I have the same issue, but not because iof my son's size. He is just different and I have no idea why no one wants to be his friend> He is very, very smart, and very funny.But, unlike his brother, he does not play sports and is left out always.It is heart breaking.
I find that charter schools often have more kids who are "different," and they fit in better in these schools. You might want to consider switching schools. When my third grader wasn't a good fit at his school, I switched schools. Best thing I ever did.
I'm so sorry. Kids are so cruel Kids were mean to me because I looked different...on the very far extreme side being too skinny. Kids always would ask me what is wrong with me and say you need to eat more...and then there was the bullying, spitballs, etc. It was harsh. Kids were not as cruel in high school at least I felt like I had no really good friends until college. This is hard for your son because peers are very important to kids. Is he awkward socially...meaning does he act strange or annoy others? I would think the best things would be to hang out one on one with other kids...invite another (nice) boy to the amusement park when you go. Or to the water park. Invite another kid and their family to camp with you....or to go to the beach. Keep trying to do one on one things because kids in groups can be like little wolf packs and really ostracize anyone who is different. Is he in scouts? What does he love? Does he have a passion? The other important thing is to really encourage what he is good at and loves to do. Being really great at something will boost his self esteem. I think living with grandma and grandpa might not help...are they going to his events, chatting with the other parents, inviting other kids over, inviting other parents over for dinner? It helps a child learn proper social behavior if his adults are doing these things. I wish I could give him a big hug. He will find good friends. It will definitely happen when other kids get older and become more mature....I hope it happens sooner though.
