Tips/Books For Dealing with Mil's Cruelty and My Anxiety

Hi. So sorry for what you are going through. You do not deserve it.

There is a good book called "How In Laws Relate" by Leah Averick. I did not read it, but I heard it is good.

Best of Luck. Hang in there.
Jilly

Your MIL is obviously mentally ill.
At the end of the day, your husband, whether he likes it or not, will need to be the O. to force your hand.
I agree with Riley that you need to cut her out of YOUR life and your DAUGHTER'S life for a period of time. Your hubby can keep in touch, visit, etc.
Personally, if moving is an option in any way, I would strongly consider it.
Good luck!

It's amazing what a person can do to another person. I think your husband should step in, you and your daughter are his family now and you are supossed to come first. I would have as little contact with her as possible, saying she hopes your daughter dies is not normal and she may need some help. I would not ever for any reason allow this woman to babysit your daughter, get help from your husband. J.

It sounds like your MIL is unstable. You should not leave her alone with your daughter. Your husband should be aware of her behavior. (he may not beleive you at first ) He should stick up for you if she says anything in front of him. Limit your time with her. Let your husband visit by himself.Suggest councelling. Remember, she has the problem, you are fine and did nothing wrong. Its kind of like dealing with a rebellious teen. (you would'nt let a teenager cause anxiety or make you feel inferior) Dont let her bring you down.You are stronger, wiser, and in charge of your own life.

Sit your husband down and tell him she is out of your and your daughter's life. He is more than welcome to keep her in his but that she is not to be around you or your daughter.
NO ONE should ever say anything like that about your daughter. No sane person would say that about their grandchild. Do you really want a woman like that in your daughter's life? Think if it were a friend,teacher,or even a stranger said that to you about your daughter. What would you do in that case? Just because this woman is her grandmother doesn't give her a free pass to say anything even remotely like that about your daughter.
That is how you cope with her. Cut her out completely and odds are your anxiety will disappear. It wont be easy but you can do it. Your husband can worry about his relationship with his mother. Though I have to say if he was my husband and he let something like that be said about one of my children I can promise you he would be the one cutting her out of all our lives.

Your husband needs to have a talk with his mother.....NOW......and if he won't....then I suggest you sit the MIL down and tell her that you know she is upset and how hard it must be since her husband died, BUT, you will no longer be her pounding board. Sometimes people like that take it out on the ones that they know won't yell back.....so you are an easy victim.....don't be anymore.....

I would tell your husband that she is being cruel and this is causing you a great deal of anxiety and you are not going to take it anymore.......then let him know if he doesn't tell her to stop, you will.....

I went through this with a very nasty FIL.......he was drunk part of the time, and he was just awful..........After my son was born, he decided to lay into me over something that wasn't even close to being my fault.....I had tried for years to be nice to this man, but that day, I had a cranky son and I was not in a good mood at all..........I blasted him, in front of the family.......just has he had done to me a thousand times........I then got my husband and my son, and we left..........My husband cried all the way home......I was furious.........my husband (now X) said nothing to defend me or help me.....so he got an earful too...........after that, I was cordial to my FIL, but didn't go out of my way to talk to him......and before our divorce, we actually got along much better.......he knew that his son would do nothing and I would take what ever he had to dish out......after that night, he found out, I fight much better than his son, so he laid off me......after our divorce, my FIL made a point to keep in touch with me and my boys......he was very nice and I even helped him with some computer issues he was having......so maybe your MIL just needs a dose of what she is handing out.....

I didn't plan to yell at him....and I really laid into him about everything that he had done to me in the two years I had known him......it just came out of me like a fountain.....but boy did I feel better afterwords! No more walking on egg shells and not bothering to worry about what he thought anymore was awesome.......I'm not a mean or vindictive person, so being nice to him when I had to see him was easy.......He and his son were fine....I got the cold shoulder a bit from my SIL, but that didn't last too long......

Take care and good luck......if you need to talk, just message me.....

You and your husband are both adults now. Time to act like it. If another adult (parent or not) is treating you or your spouse badly, you don't put up with it. She needs to be given some ground rules. Someone (preferably your husband, but if he isn't capable, then you) needs to say to her in a matter-of-fact tone, "Mom, we love you and we want you in our lives. Your granddaughter loves you and wants you to be in her life. However, you cannot continue this behavior. If you are going to speak that way to my wife/me then you will be asked to leave."

You and your husband need to come together, you need to rely on each other and realize that your life is the two of you with your daughter. Any destructive outside influence (family or not) must be dealt with. If this is allowed to continue eventually you will find your marriage falling apart.

M.B.,

I was shocked and horrified and in disbelief while reading your post. I am SO SORRY!!!!! Obviously, your MIL's cruel behavior is 100% unacceptable. You ask for coping strategies, but in my opinion, you need something much different. I believe there are NO coping strategies that will enable you to "deal" with your horrible MIL. I truly believe that something DRASTIC has to happen, and here are my suggestions:
1) Cut her off for a little while (I know you said you can't cut her off, but I think you should just for a little while - actually, not you - it would have to be your husband to be the one to cut her off (I'll get more into that in a second). So, your husband should temporarily cut her off until her behavior toward you changes. However, like you said, people don't change, so if she doesn't change, then
2) MOVE!!!! That's right. As I said, something drastic must happen. If at all possible, is there any way your family can move? Can your husband get a job transfer or look for a new job altogether? This awful situation must caese at once, and a move (far away) will be the perfect answer for you. You are in freezing Milwaukee (I am from freezing Chicago). What about moving to beautiful, warm sunny Florida where there are beautiful palm trees to look at to make you happy and peaceful and calm???

These really are your only options. If you opt with #1, your husband will have to sit your terrible MIL down and have a heart-to-heart with her, telling her that it is abnormal to 1) wish dead on her own grandchild, 2) to try to destroy his own wedding, 3) to disrespect his own wife by being cruel to her for no reason at all. If she isn't positively responsive to their very serious talk, and if she refuses to promise your husband that her behavior will change for the better and that she won't say coo-coo crazy psycho things like she wants her own son's daughter to die, then your husband MUST cut her off for a while in order to prove to his mother that he was very, very very serious. If her behavior still doesn't change for the better after 2 or 3 months of NO CONTACT AT ALL, then you really will need to move. If you don't have a desire to live in Florida (I used Florida as an example b/c I LOVE Florida - I used to live there, and my family and I hope to move back soon), then pick another place to live that is at least a 10 hour drive away from Milwaukee.

Your MIL needs to spend the rest of her sorry life in an insane asylum, in my opinion. And she is refusing therapy and medication? Well then forget it! If she doesn't want to help herself, there is nothing that anyone can do.

Coping strategies are not an option for you. There is NO WAY to "cope" with a MIL like yours. In the meantime, you can go to therapy just to be able to vent (although you have mamapedia to vent, and it's free).

Best of luck and I will be thinking of you. Please update us again to let us know what is going on, and if you took any of my advice. Your post really got to me. I am so pissed at your MIL!!!!!!!

Joycemeyer.org

Check out the above web site, she has helped me deal with so many different situations and her answers are all from personal experiences.

Give her a try and listen to a message I know you will hear something that will help!

No wonder you have anxiety, it's commendable that you're trying to patch things up with her but this goes beyond any "scuffle"; your MIL needs professional help and she has her children to find it for her, you do NOT need to be a scapegoat for all of her pain and frustrations.
She wished death on your child, that bell can NEVER bee unrung, I'm sorry momma but you have to be strong and cut her out of your life; your husband is her son and he will continue to see her of course so don't get in between them but don't let her near you or your children.
Think what is going to happen when she continues to be like this around your child, if you are an adult and she causes you anxiety, imagine how she can mess you with your child's little mind.
Good luck and please don't delay whatever decision you take, you've taken enough from her already.

Limit your contact with her to major holidays (and then limit that time also) and birthdays. Limit phone conversations also. You do not need to feel obligated to someone who has their issues they are placing on you. Good luck!

I am astounded by what she said about her own granddaughter! I agree w/JoAnn C -you're both adults now. I lost my mom a year ago, and yes, the grieving process is still happening, but if it's been 2 years since your husband's father died -I won't say they should be over it -but they've had a lot of time to get used to it. That is NO excuse for her behavior! Also, losing a spouse and losing a child are very different. There is NOTHING that equates with the loss of a child! My father has latched onto my children even more so now that my mom is gone. I know everyone is different, but she has DEEP seated emotional and behavioral issues, and I would sit down w/ your husband if I were you. I would explain to him calmly and nicely that I knew he still hurt over his father, and that he wanted a relationship with his mother (although I kind of question it -if my mom had ever said that about my kids I'm not so sure we would be speaking), and that was FINE for HIM. However, considering that she is really mean to you, causes you untold anxiety and wished your very own daughter dead -you two wouldn't be having a relationship with her. Some families are like that. I would have NOTHING to do with my MIL if this had happened, nor would she be allowed to see my children. He should do a little more than stand up to her I think, but if he wants to see and talk to her -that's his business and he would have to keep it solely his business. He should not fault you in any way for having nothing to do with her.

She OBVIOUSLY needs a lot of therapy. Don't subject your daughter to a relationship with her either. If she's said those things to you, and she was volatile while your husband was growing up, no telling what she might say or do to your daughter. You DO NOT have to concede to a relationship with this woman! IF she gets help and apologizes to you AND truly changes, then have a relationship -otherwise steer clear!

I'm curious as well about what your husband says about this. How is your relationship with his siblings? From what you've written, it sounds like your MIL has mental health issues. She does sound depressed and bipolar.

You are not being overly sensitive. For what ever reason, your MIL blames her unhappiness and her husband's death on you and your daughter. This is not normal. I would encourage you to talk to your husband about getting his mom a complete physical and mental health evaulation.

Take care.

My MIL was toxic to our family. She was abusing drugs and alcohol. No way though, would she ever wish my children, her grandchildren dead. I don't get that? Would she not be even more sad if her grandchild died? Would that not bring her more grief? So, yes, your MIL has major issues.
My MIL lives down the road from us. I cut her off until she got help. She got help.
Now, even though she is better, I would guess my kids actually see her maybe once every couple of months and for a few hours on holidays. Every now and again we'll barbecue or take a weekend away as a family. Now, those are nice, not miserable. So, cutting her off is possible. If I can do it with mine living on the same road, anyone can.
As mentioned, I did not force my husband to cut her off. She needed him to help her get better. He would stop by her house sometimes, email and call her, etc. The only way she got better though was to get help. She faced her problems head on. She admitted herself for like two months into one of those hospitals. My husband visited her while there. I never did nor did my kids. Your MIL does need an intervention so that she can admit to her problems, and get the help she needs. Unfortunately though, as with drugs, a depressed person has to face their problems in order to get help. She has to want to face them. Good luck!
Remember, even though she is doing this, you are allowing her to do this. You have to cut ties so that she is not allowed to do this anymore. She will keep doing this until she gets help.

Yes. You can work on yourself.
And your marriage.

Hooray! for your husband regarding standing up for you.
And you're significantly "ahead of the game"
since he has acknowledged that she's been like this for years.

You do NOT need to put up with her.
At all.

After she's been getting medical care and counseling,
for AT LEAST a couple of months,
you might consider a trial basis of brief interactions.
But not until.

PLEASE do NOT worry about "depriving" your husband
of his mother's company.
If he needs/wants to see his mother, let him do so,
without you and baby.

As for her inappropriate words directed at you and your daughter,
one way to think about them, if you can,
is that they are NOT about you and/or your daughter.

They're an expression of her unhappiness/frustration/old business
which have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with you and your child.
You're just, sadly, in range of the incoming artillery, but in no way the target.

There is NO REASON for you to ever place yourself
in range of this clearly disturbed person.

Regarding continuing to keep your partnership strong with your husband,
it might be helpful for the two of you to get some counseling
to help him be stronger, both for himself and in his support of you.
He may be mourning not only the loss of his dad
but, especially, his history/circumstance of not having had a loving mother.

As for dealing with your (previously existing,
separate from MIL) anxiety, have you ever tried meditation?
Yoga?
Even if you don't want to take time/energy to try
any of these practices (though I hope you'll consider doing so),
you can, at least, focus on your beautiful little girl . . . .
her little sounds, her little feet, her little bellybutton,
her developing mind, her incredible elbows and knees.

KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON.
===============================
After reading (most of) the other answers,
and re-reading your original description of the situation,
I have a few more thoughts.

First, I saw this time around that your little girl is already two years old.
So the elbows and bellybutton et al. are still delightful.

But at TWO! you can enjoy marveling at her mind, her ability to express herself, her comprehension skills, her interest in the world around her.
Etc.

Splendid objects/concepts to pay attention to and rejoice in
in those moments when your mind wants to go to anxious reactivity
about MIL or anything else.

Next, I don't think it's necessary for you and your family to move away.
You mentioned there are siblings; that there is (at least some) recognition that their mom has had problems for years.

So . . . . your husband and his siblings can do whatever they can,
whether an "intervention" or some other means of inducing/persuading her to get and cooperate with medical attention, therapy, counseling.
Whatever it takes.

You need not have a part in this . . . w/the exception of being supportive
for your husband as he confronts this very difficult situation.

Finally, the moms who said you can limit exposure to holidays
or special occasions . . . I'm sure they meant well
and just want to "keep the peace"
but there is NO PEACE to be kept.

There is no way to expect any future behavior
different from what has been customary in the past.
There is no reason for you to expose yourself
to this (as someone said) toxic spill. Ever.

You might want to share all these notes w/your husband.

STAY STRONG.
You've got reason and sanity on your side.

Your such a good person to want this. Better than me I must tell you. My opinion is that she will not change at all unless medication is taken and she gets the help she needs. Its unfortunate that she may not think there is anything wrong with her.

If I were in your shoes this is what would be implemented in order for her to see you or your daughter. Your husband needs to take the upper hand and tell MIL that unless she seeks medical attention , she will not see my family. As she is cruel and abusive to my family. I would have you, your husband and your daughter step out of the family circle until this is done. If his sister and brother all do the same maybe she will realize she is not well. To see her family she must get well. If the siblings do not want to do this, its fine. But my family will not tolerate her antics against my family anymore.
You seem like such a wonderful person and you still want the best for your MIL. The only way she can get better is with medical attention. I wish you luck!

Wow, My father was very similar (shudder). What a destructive force and this will NOT get any better if she doesn't take meds or the right ones. Think about it, that is pure evil to wish ill on anyone let alone your child HER GRANDDAUGHTER. I hope for you, your husband and his siblings that you realize it is HER HER HER!

I hope you can find a way to lessen the time you spend around her or not see her at all. It should be your choice, you and your husband shouldn't have to put up with it! If his siblings decide to that's their choice.

It sounds like that may not happen, you might want to seek counseling to learn what you can do to lessen its affects on you. Wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with such a person!

I can tell you how I coped with my father but I'm not sure if it would help you. Since I grew up with such a person in the household I was somewhat desensitized to it. Later I started trying different things to either irk him or see what worked to get him to stop. If you are interested email me privately, but I still say one or two sessions with a counselor may help. We had heard my father suffered from manic depression or was bipolar. This may help you with counseling or reading up on it. Unfortunately for your MIL and my father it the ups and downs take a different slant, more rage and times of calm than what you often hear about. I hope the best for you and your husbands family!

You are living a nightmare in this relationship and it is remarkable that you want to maintain a relationship with her for your husband. My first thought was wow, this is like a movie plot with a psycho MIL. So maybe if you step back and see the picture (take your personal self out of it), but you may see how absurd this situation is with her. Maybe putting some distance from the situation will help to decrease your anxiety.

It sounds like you and your mil and husband all need to sit at the table and get to the very root of the problem, acknowledge it and then move past it. The anxiety that you will experience prior to this meeting will probably be horrifying but it is something you really need to do. It is not fair that you are being treated that way and I wouldnt visit her if you dont have to. Let your hubby go visit and take your daughter if he feels she needs a visit. You dont have to go. By you plain out refusing to be subjected to the uncomfortable visits in the future maybe then your husband will try to talk to his mom. It sounds like she has a mental disorder.... in which case you can only change the way you respond to her. Quit taking it personally if that's what will work, and just chalk it up to having an insane mother in law.

Mom, You are going thru a lot with her. I would have your husband sit down with his mom today and set some boundaries on her behavior with her . He needs to tell her her meaness and angry behavior towards you is not acceptable, Then limit your exposure to her as much as you can until she is better. He must man up and tell her that her behavior won't be tolerated, it it hurts her feelings or not. I would also limit her time with your child, this is not someone you want to expose to your child. It sounds like she is a bitter, angry and depressed person and until things change stay away. THis is a deal breaker with your husband, he needs to show more respect to you by doing this. He needs to have this talk with his mom, privately in person a calm and clear way, then step bk and see what happens. You deserve better as a wife and mom. Hang in there girl, separating yourself from her should help. Hugs

Yes, your MIL certainly has some mental health issues. I personally don't think I could ever forgive someone, much less a family member, telling me that she hoped my child would die. Your husband and his siblings need to have a sit-down and possibly an intervention w/ their mom and get her the help and medication that she needs. If it were me, I would stay as far away from the situation -- and her -- as possible until her health state levels off and she is civil again. Soon your daughter will be at an age where she will understand that what grandma is saying is hurtful and you don't want her to see or feel any of that toxicity. Not to mention what all of this is doing to YOUR health. Take care of yourself and your daughter, stay away from her, and let your MILs children do the heavy lifting on this one.

my strategy would to dish out whatever she is dishing out but if you cannot do that then here are some options:

*you can write her a letter stating that since she has so much hatred towards you, it's best to completely ignore eachother at any gatherings
*ask her to go to counseling with you or the family
*last option would be to walk around with headphones around your neck & if she approaches you angrily, get the headphones on right a way with some soothing music or a CD from someone such as Dr Phil, etc

I still would highly suggest you cut her out of your life, she is like cancer that is literally killing you with her presence. You wouldn't keep cancer in your body so why should you keep her in your life? Hubby can do whatever he wants but you don't have to!

Oh, yuck! I am so sorry that you are going through this. This MUST stop -- because no matter what anyone's "pre-story" is, as long we we are talking about adults it is completely unfair to lash out at another innocent party. It is terrible that your MIL is depressed, that your husband lost his dad, etc. -- BUT remember people in this world have lost much much more, and yet they still find it in their hearts to treat others with dignity and respect. I have volunteered in Haiti for several years - my most touching moment was meeting a mother who did not even have enough money to feed or clothe her son, who was severely malnourished and naked except for underwear. After several hours of volunteering outdoors one day at a nutrition center, there was a heavy downpour, and I was damp and cold. This mom had a small jacket on, and she actually removed it to give to me so that I can be warm, and she had on less clothing than me! This mother had nothing, yet she still found SOMETHING to share with me. My heart melted. It is NOT about what you have been through -- what is it in your heart is always there, always intact. Tell THAT to your suffering MIL.

My suggestion may be a little insensitive, but I say you have to give your husband an ultimatum. I am sure this is the last thing he needs right now. But this is HIS mother, who is traumatizing you and forcing you to suffer and endure her slander. He must stop avoiding her and start confronting her, however way he can. You can be helpful by saying you are will to attend counseling with her and him, if it comes to that. But, make a bottom line and say that if he cannot get his mom to control her emotions you have to extract yourself from this toxic situation, for the benefit of yourself and your child.

People take advantage of a situation because they can. You are an easy target, an easy way to forget about their experiences with a husband/father who died recently, (likely) poorly treated depression, maladjusted mother-son relationship, and whatever else is going on. Insist on a change, and if that does not happen, you have every right in the world to move aside so that you are no longer a target. Good luck.

It sounds like there may be some personality/mood disorder at work here. You used the term "rage" and raging is a common part of many mood disorders. People with mood disorders neurologically process information differently, they have trouble processing emotion. As unappealing as this may sound to you right now, if you wish to try to build a relationship with your MIL or at least make life more tolerable for your husband, you should research validation/invalidation and setting boundaries. To give you a probably too simple example, if an individual with borderline personality disorder says "You don't love me" and you respond with "Of course I love you!" you have just invalidated their feeling, you've told them they were wrong about their feeling and this can upset them. Then you say "Please calm down, I don't like to see you so upset" with the intent of calming them...and you've further invalidated them. Better responses acknowledge their feeling, empathize and then try to put it right. So "wow, you aren't feeling too good about our relationship right now. Can you and I sit and talk so you can tell me what's happened to make you feel this way?" It's really hard to do this, especially if you're feeling vulnerable too. So the other side is boundaries. Not boundaries as threats, or boundaries you can't really enforce but reasonable boundaries to protect you emotionally. For example, if you can't be nice to me, I won't let you see your gd is probably not a reasonable or enforceable boundary. But if rages are out of control and you want to set a boundary about not participating (and thus escalating the rage), you can say it hurts you too much to have such angry words, so you're going to leave and discuss it later. I'm not really good at it yet either, but I think these things will help. It will probably also help you to accept that, if these rages are commonplace for her and there is an underlying mood disorder, it is not personal - it is neurologically difficult for her to form close bonds, even with, sometimes especially with, her family. Also, I hope you know that I'm offering this to help the situation - which should reduce your anxiety - I'm not minimizing the pain that you feel from having to be subjected to rages. It's a very difficult circumstance for you and I can see why you are feeling anxious. Try the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Sounds like your MIL has mental health issues - it is going to be really tough to get her into therapy - which is something you clearly can not do - but perhaps your husband can work with his siblings to nudge her to speak to her physician. You don't say how old she is - but if she's in her 60s or 70s she could be suffering from early dementia. As for you - first you must get your husband's emotional support. He has to man-up and tell his mother, firmly but gently, in advance of any gathering what he expects. She has to be told that as his mother he loves her and wants her to be part of his and his family's life and this is what we expect is usual interactions: be civil to my wife, be kind of our child, no yelling, no threats, etc. Sounds like she's acting like a child so she needs to be treated like a child. If she begins her antics she has to be escorted out. Can't your husband enlist the help of one of his siblings? Do they see the t hings she does / says? If she continues with her hostile behavior you really need to prepare your husband for the fact that you will not be included in any gathering that she is a part of. You need to consider if that's neccessary for your child too. As much as your husband needs the support of his siblings, your marriage and family are now supposed to come first - If he needs to continue to see his mother he can do it on his own. Remove yourself from that situation.
Finally - realize that you cannot control other's behavior. You can't "change enough" to ever make you MIL normal - it's not you (unless there are other dynamics youhaven't mentioned - that's for self examiniation - be honest with yourself). While you can't control her you can control how you allow her to impact your life. Pray for her, pray for you and your family and give yourself permission to extract yourself from interaction with her. She sounds toxic and you don't have to be in the same place she is. If there was a toxic environmental spill would you subject yourself and you child to it? Of course not - this is the same thing emotionally. You have a new young family - time to begin new traditions for holidays and birthdays.

It sounds like she has major issues and especially with her not being the only women in her son's life. It also sounds like she is still working out her feelings of loss in regards to her husband.

I would suggest that you not walk on eggshells. It sounds like even if you do, "something" still sets her off so be yourself. Be friendly and act like nothing is wrong unless/until she attacks you (even verbally) or something similiar. Then, speak your mind (be respectful and calm but firm) and then let it go. You will feel better for it.

If this irrational behavior continues, you may want to minimize your child's exposure to her.