Yes, I know three is traditionally one of the more challenging times of child rearing but my husband and I are at our wits end. Our daughter was always a VERY sweet child. Everyone commented on it. She was sensitive, well-behaved and the only discipline needed was an occasional time-out - which she took very well.
Now she's recently turned 3 (as of June 6th) and we also had a new baby on April 9th. Those two things in tandem seem to have just brought out a little monster we feel we don't know. She is openly defiant (looks right at us and does what we're telling her not to do). She is rude. She ignores us. She pushes boundaries over and over and over again.
We've had talks with her telling her that if she is feeling sad or lonely and needs more attention - to simply tell us, not act out...that bad attention is not a good thing. That works for a day or so. We've also tried to explain that the new baby can't do any of the cool things she can as a big girl (walk, talk, play, ride a bike, etc) so we have to spend more time just helping the baby. We've tried time outs, taking away privileges, taking away treasured items (toys, stuffed animals, etc), we've tried a "crying mat" in her play room where if she's going to throw a fit she has to go in there out of sight to do so, we've tried nap or bedtime immediately if she throws a tantrum.... none of this is working. We are at our wits end trying to figure out what to do to change the behavior and my husband is starting to get frazzled and resort to yelling - which isn't good for anyone. It just seems like EVERYthing is a drama now and if we tell her "no" over anything she loses it.
Argh - any tips, tricks, or help mamas???
I hear ya! I have 3 yr old twins & they are going through this same thing! Thanks for posting, I've liked some of the responses so far & hope there are more yet to come!
Adding a new family member can turn things upside down. There's a great book to help you understand it from your oldest daughter's perspective and also to give you some really great tools and techniques to use. "Siblings without Rivalries" by Faber/Mazlish. It's at the library as well as for purchase.
One thing I learned to do was to approach things differently. Not like how you would talk to an adult, i.e., sanely and rationally. :) My two best tricks were to approach things with a little fun thrown in or to really listen to the protest and look for an available compromise.
An example to make something fun. "I don't want to go to bed." me: "Okay, I'm going to bed and I can get there like a ballerina." and then look like being a ballerina going to bed is a blast. or "okay, I hear your teddy saying he's tired and I'm putting him to bed." Then with enthusiasm, talk to teddy. She'll come out of curiosity. Or "race" her to the bathroom to do teeth brushing. "Playful Parenting" is a great book to get you started.
An example of listening to problem solve. "I don't want to brush my teeth" me: "why?" at first, there was no answer, so I just shot in the dark till I hit, or till she says what it is. (really want to find out). "Oh. you don't want to go brush your teeth because you can't take teddy? Well, teddy can come along!" Off she trots proudly with teddy in tow.
I had these type of things happen over and over and saved literally thousands of arguments. It may take a minute, but in the end, it's much faster than arguing.
I would seldom say the exact word "no" but rather say what can happen. "yes, after this" or "first this then yes" . You may want to try: "you can do this, but <this bad thing> will happen." It gives her power, builds trust in you, and I was surprised that it worked. Even empathy can go a long way. "I wish we could do that" with heartfelt emotion, or "you are SO SAD you can't do that". Lets her know she is heard and her opinion matters. She doesn't get her way, but it can really help to let her know you understand her point of view.
Good luck! Things will eventually settle into a familiar routine. Sometimes it's so hard to get there, but it will!
Nope! No tips, tricks, or help here, just commiseration. My little guy was 2 1/2 when baby was born last August. He was just as sweet as can be, your description of your daughter sounds JUST like him! Then baby came along and turned everything upside down. He throws tantrums like you wouldn't believe (and loves a public venue), he defies us at every turn, he torments his little brother constantly (in a loving way, of course ;), he pushes every single limit before him, whines whines whines whines whines.....the list goes on and on. We've been at our wits end for about a year now. I know that won't make you feel better, but one thing I do know is that a lot of the tough kids I've been around (kids that hit, bite, scream, and are generally "worse" than our kids) do seem to get a lot better somewhere around 4-4 1/2. They will certainly still throw the occasional tantrum, but they can be reasoned with much more effectively than a 3 year old.
All I can say is, keep doing what you're doing. Be consistent, and stick to the rules you've always used. Continue to reason with her and have "talks" with her, because she does appreciate that and will definitely get something out of it.
Best of luck (and patience) to us both,
Amy K
I'm sorry, I had to laugh at 'holy terror'... I've been there and felt your pain, but looking back on it I can laugh at it (and you will eventually too!). I am a tough love kind of mom... without driving yourself crazy, the black and white picture is like this: you misbehave, you sit in time out. Throw a tantrum while you're in time out, it starts over. Ignore the negative behavior, reward the positive behavior. Make sure you're making special time with her too, without the baby. Stick by your guns and she'll grow bored (and exhausted!) by throwing tantrums all the time, I PROMISE. It's a phase (make that your daily mantra; write it on your bathroom mirror). When she calms down, ask her WHY she's behaving that way, listen, and then explain that it won't be tolerated and your sorry she feels that way. Redirect her tantrums into something mildly productive. Let her help more with baby. JUST HANG IN THERE! It WILL get better :) Best wishes!
There is light at the end of the tunnel! My son was just like that. I laughed at the word terrible two. I thought if that was as terrible as it got I wanted at least 4 kids! When he hit 3 I was already pregnant and it was to late to turn back (I think I would have had I known what I was in for) :) He pushed every button and did everything we told him not to. We moved at the same time so it was a triple whammy on him. He grew out of it by about 4. I know it seems like forever now. He is now 6 and is the best kid you could ever get. What really helped us was telling him that we needed him and his help. For example he has done a ton of "baby-sitting" for us. So when my 2nd child was just a baby and I needed to take a shower I put him in his car seat and gave my oldest a toy and a bottle. He would sit next to his brother the whole time and play with him and feed him (my hubby was right around the corner watching him, but my son did not know this) Once he felt like we needed him and we all got a little more settled things got much better! It sounds like you got lucky with your first and got an easy kid so she will turn around. I hope you get as lucky with your second! My second didn't sleep the first two nights after bringing him home from the hospital! He also started throwing temper tantrums at 8 months. LOL oh well! Good luck and know that it will get better, just remember to stick to your guns and not let her get away with anything!
I am looking forward to your responses, I truly could have have wrote this, other than not having a new baby! I really am starting to think it is the age! Anyways- Good Luck, If it is as bad as our situation, you need it :-)
Hahaha. Yes its the age. One that I am living right now. The tricks that we use are to keep her rested and keep a drink/snack close by.
It could be that the baby's sleep schedule is messing up the 3y. Is it possible to put a fan on low in her room?
The main trick with a 3y is to pick your battles. Once you learn the signs of an oncoming attack, back off and wait 5 minutes. That can make all the difference.
Oh, my life!! Our first two came out of the terrible two's and slid through the three's like they were cake! Our last one, throws tantrums that are worth paying for!! I'm the first to say it is our fault! All four of us give him what he wants to get him to stop screaming. Not good at all. We are breaking him of it now, and it's hard for all of us, especially his big brother and sister. They don't like to see him upset, but he can't always have his way either. Trying to talk to him and head off huge meltdowns is key. Once he is in them, we have to let him have it out, whether that is in his room or in another room of the house, he just has to work through it. She will get over it and past it, but good luck!!
Just try to be consistent. She's pushing boundaries because she wants to know where the lines are. She's also learning about emotional range - what does mommy's face look like when I do this, or ooh, look how daddy turns purple when I drag out bedtime too long! It's normal developmental behavior (but it's oh so frustrating. Three is hard!)
The thing is that right now it may be more important to her to see the response than to stay out of time out, keep her toys, etc. The more you can keep it routine (pick a consequence and stay with it) and keep your emotions on an even keel while dealing with it, the less interesting it is for her - the less she'll push for the reaction.
welcome to the club. my son seemed to do the same thing.
what is it that upsets your more? that shes acting differently, or that she WAS so "perfect" before and is now displaying behavior that is "less desireable"??
ive asked myself that question over and over. is it that im embarrassed that my son is now a defiant boy instead of a nice "obedient" one? sometimes i am!!!
heres the thing. when you are in public and something happens, other people will notice and "think of you" based on how you respond. if you can respond with calm, patience and dignity, yet be firm, thats ideal. i cant tell you what to do to "stop" this or "change" it because im not sure that you can. its a phase, a growing process, a part of growing up, a part of that age group.
start changing your tactics maybe. instead of saying "no" say yes in a way that tells her when or how she can do something. for example, if she wants a cookie instead of telling her no, say "yes you can have one after eating your supper". you know? make it a positive thing.
a good book ; happiest toddler on the block. good stuff in there.
another thing i can think of is when the "tantrum" is happening (example; "I WANT A COOKIE NOW MOM!!!") turn it around and use the same kind of tone and tantrum yourself "you want a cookie now!! right now!! you really want that cookie!!! i want a cookie too!!!" somehow sometimes it gets their attention and its like "huh? wow mom" LOL
Reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. Try spending more time with her and let her help you with the little one as much as possible. She is probably feeling left out and ignored because of the time you have to spend with the baby. While nerve racking ignore the temper tantrums because if you do she is getting what she wants... your attention wether it be in a good or bad way.
