Thoughts on a Big Family...

I don't think it is irresponsible if you can afford it. I want to have one more (I have two girls right now) but we can't afford it right now so we decided to wait. I think a big family would be wonderful since I came form a small one :)

I would say it is totally up to you. If you can afford 4 kids and you love them why not. I have three and that is enough for me personally because I mentally and physically can not handle another one full time. My son has ADHD and we finally just starting getting him some help so time at home is easier. But like I said if you love them why not it is not up to anyone else how many kids you should have. Good luck.

Choosing whether or not to have another child is definitely a personal decision. I am surprised that your friends were so overtly judgmental about it.

We have three kids - when we had two, we debated whether to stop there or not. We just weren't sure. When we had our third, we were very sure that we were done. It sounds like that isn't the case for you.

I do believe that the environmental impact of an exponentially growing society should be part of anyone's decision-making process when they're growing a family, but just a part.

There are many good websites about the dangers of our overgown society. Here are a few factors to think about:

- A lot of population growth is in underdeveloped nations. It has been shown that people have more children when they aren't sure if their children will survive. So consider working as a family to bring better food and shelter to the folks who need it (in this country and others) as a way to help reduce overall population

- Even though population growth rates in our country are slowing, our rate of consumption continues to increase. Think about how much your family throws away. How many one-use items do you use in a day? Are you recycling all the recyclable material you use, or do you throw it away? Do you compost?

If you are really worried about the impact of having another child, work to improve your family's environmental "footprint." You can start at the Minnesota Energy Challange: http://www.mnenergychallenge.org/

Not only will it give you something to say to the next person who tells you you're not being socially responsible, but it will also help your children be part of the solution when they become the adults of the next generation!

I know you have had a lot of responses to this, but I had to share because of my situation. I am expecting #4 on Wednesday! My husband and I are raising up our kids together in a Christ-centered home. After I found out I was pregnant with this one, a good friend said to me "your kids are wonderful and they are really needed in this world because they are going to make such a difference." It was the most encouraging thing I had heard and I will always be grateful to her because we weren't exactly planning this child. I was on the pill!

People do look at us funny when we go to stores with our kids all under the age of 5. But, I feel so blessed to be able to me a mom. What a huge responsiblility to raise up children in this world! You are the one who needs to decide if this is right for you. It really sounds like you are putting too much weight into what others think. People who love you should be supportive. I know that I would never give any of my kids back!

I think as long as you and your husband want another child and can support another child then by all means go for it. I have three kids and until the third child i never had that feeling of my family being complete. Not to sound shallow but there might be a part of you that desires a girl and thats why you don't feel complete. Either way go for it if that is what you truely want. Good luck

I think big families are great! I am currently pregnant with baby #1, but my husband and I always say we would like 4 if we can afford it! My parents also wanted 4, but had to stop at 2 due to financial reasons. If you can afford to give the kids the time, attention, love, and material things they need (need, not just want) I say go for it. I am appalled that people would tell you not to have more kids! I work at a private school in Mpls and 4 kids is not uncommon at all. My sister works at an OBGYN clinic in Edina and she also said 4 is an average # of kids. GOOD LUCK! Listen to your hear/intuition!

I like big families...I told my soon-to-be husband I wanted to create our own hockey team...he laughed at me.

being socially responsible...really doesn't have anything to do with how many children a family has...if you let your children run wild through the streets of Minneapolis than might fall under the category of not being socially responsible.

Or maybe being socially responsible could be taken care of if people weren't always getting unexpectedly pregnant and having those children...

You are a family, looking to increase your family.

Really it isn't anyone else's decision for you to have another child, and getting upset about it is well somewhat childish...and then people say dumb things.

There are families out there with more than 4 children.

I think you and your husband should just not get anymore outside opinions on if the two of you should have another child or not...just get pregnant then tell people your having another one.

Thank you for asking this question. I've wrestled with the decision of having a third for quite a long time now & many of the issues brought up by you & the other moms who've responded have weighed heavily on this decision. I do believe it's you & your husband's decision and you seem like a "responsible" person already who had the ability to love & care for 3 boys - so go for it! I'm also sorry to hear you've had negative feedback from friend/relatives - maybe they're jealous another child will take away your time with them? Hopefully it all works out - let us know when you see that "+" sign! :)

I have a SIL who is extremely judgmental about people having more than 2 kids. It drives me crazy. I think it is a very personal choice. I don't think raising just 1 child is necessarily going to make somebody more environmentally or socially responsible. It isn't the number of kids, it is their choices they make while raising those kids that matter. I have no beef with big families as long as people have the resources (monetary and otherwise) to raise them.

My husband and I are all for large families. We always tell people that if we won the lottery we would 6 or more kids. We want 4 but it depends on the sex of the next so my husband says. We already have 2 girls and if we have another we are done mainly because 2 girls will be expensive enough let alone 3. We are hoping for a boy next and then want a surprise after that. I have friends that are the same way. They cant believe we want so many kids. We also start trying around the babies first b-day so they will be close in age which baffels some of them even more. That being said if you want 4 dont worry about what others think. You need to do what is right for your family.

If you don't feel complete then you go for it, you will know and have the feeling that you are done having children. If you have the love and patients for another child then more power to you. Don't let others make you feel bad about wanting to bring another life into this world if you can give a child what they need and love them there is no reason not to. My thought is once you have 3 children things don't really change with more, plus your children will be getting old enough to help you out and they will know the limits. Think of your family and what you want not people who really have no say in it! GOOD LUCK!

I feel very strongly that you know what's best for you and your family. I can't believe your best friend wouldn't talk to you when you brought up the idea of having another child! My husband came from a family of 4 kids, and I'm one of 3. I always knew I wanted more than one, because I think siblings are such a wonderful thing. We now have two boys and another (surprise!) on the way. We had planned to stop at two but know we will make 3 work. I have a good friend who has one daughter and has been told it's selfish not to want any more kids, but it works perfectly for their family. Another friend has 6, and they're working on adopting #7 and #8 (trying to adopt siblings). They love their big family and have very happy kids. You know what will work for your kids and what you can afford in terms of time, money, and attention. Don't let anyone tell you you're having your family wrong!

I love big families. My family had four kids. I had a friend who was one of eight! I have three kids. If it weren't for health issues on my part, I'd want a whole lot more. I always wanted to adopt, so maybe when my kids are older, we will.

I think there's a lot more acceptance for larger families, although when I got pregnant with #3, some people on my husband's side made a few comments (nearly everyone in that family has only two children). Most of my friends have at least three, some have four or five.

If you're interested, this website is written by a mom with 12 children (four with DS) and she has links to lots of other moms of large families: www.mommylife.net. She was also a montessori teacher and has lots of great ideas for teaching young children.

I really think the decision to have more children needs to be between you and your husband. How does he feel? That matters a lot. His opinion matters way more than your best friend's or your mother's. If together you feel that you can provide a good and love-filled life for another child, then go for it!

Don't worry about it if that is what you and husband want go for it. I am a mother of four kids and yes we get people saying why did we have so many kids and i say do you pay for them?

Honestly
i dont htink it is anyones bloody business how many kids yiou have. I have a friend with 13 kids and she is still going. i know many families at our large church with 4, some with 5. go ahead and have another one!
S.

L.,

I just had baby #4 in May and she is a joy to our family. I think people should have the number of children they can raise well and no more. I have seen women have 12+ children and do a phenominal job and I have seen other women screw up their only child. No one has the right to tell you how many children to have. That is between you, your husband and God.

I will tell you that when I had my first baby, everyone said how it would impact my life negatively. Then at two kids, everyone seemed satisfied that we should be done because we had "our boy and girl - perfect." Then number 3 came along and I got comments like, "Did you do that on purpose?" and "You're done, right?" By the time #4 came along, the people at the grocery store gave up on talking me out of expanding my family and just shoot me dirty looks.

Don't let others opinions determine whether or not you have another baby. We didn't even tell my family I was pregnant until the 20 week mark because they are embarrassed to be related to someone who is single handedly overpopulating the planet in their opinion.

There are so many benefits to a big family. My kids love to play together and help each other. With baby #4, I have seen them unite in loving the baby and it has brought us all so close. They are very independent and self sufficient. The compliments I hear most from people (who don't think I am overpopulating the planet) are that my children are so well behaved and so confident. When they become adults and my husband and I are gone, they will still have each other. I truly believe that siblings are the greatest gift you can give your child. Sure, we can't rent the circus every time someone has a birthday, but children don't need that level of spoiling anyway.

If you really feel that you can or should have another one, do it. I am looking at my adorable 3 month old daughter and my 2,4 and 6 year olds are playing upstairs. I am so grateful that I didn't listen to those negative people because now I have these beautiful treasures in my life.

Best of luck,
S.

I say get some new friends...how terrible not to talk to you for two days! :( I'm sorry that was sad for you I'm sure.

At the end of the day it's between you, your husband, and God (if you believe) While it's hard to hear other people be disapproving there will always be somebody with something to say. As for social responsibility - as long as your love and parent your kids it's completely socially responsible.

I hope your follow your heart and disregard your friends or families rude remarks. I grew up in a family of four, but would like to have five or six if I can. Growing up with a big family is still one of the things I love most about my life. My baby has three adoring aunts and uncles and their spouses and their kids and it just makes my life fuller and fun.

I'd love to have 4 kids, but to be honest we probably won't because I think the world has soooooooooooooooo many people using so many resources and not thinking about the consequences of their actions. That's not to say that having fewer kids will help either. My 2 kids could leave a bigger footprint on the earth negatively than a family of 6. It depends on lifestyle. This is a very troubling question that I think of often.

Take this survey. It is very enlightening. It is called the Ecological Footprint Survey. It measures how much of an impact your lifestyle has on the planet. I was surprised that I affect the earth more negatively than I thought even though I'm a strict vegetarian, take public transportation, and live and work only a few miles apart. Anyway, it's at least fun to take the quiz.

http://www.earthday.net/footprint/index_reset.asp?pid=915...

ETA: In response to another mom about paying your child's tuition. I don't think it's plausible for parents to pay for full college tuition. My parents didn't do it for me. Sorry but someone's hard earned tax dollars provided grants and loans and I worked. Guess what . . . with the degrees that I earned I'm earning a healthy income and paying my taxes now to make up for it. Financial aid for education is the best investment this country can make.

I say go for it! I also want 4 children. As long as you can afford 4 and you want another one - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. That's terrible of your best friend!

Hi L.. I don't think there is anything wrong with big families. If you feel like you want more kids, I would do it. My husband has 5 older sisters and we love it. I have just one brother and I always wanted sisters. Now I have 5 sister-in-laws. I have a couple of friends who have 4 kids and they love it. It is all up to how you feel. I would listen to your heart and not listen to what others think. I hope this helps. Good Luck.

I think big families are awesome, not for me but if that's what other's want than I respect that. As long as you can feed them, clothe them and give them each attention and attend to all their needs I don't see a big deal.

I've always been facinated with that family on tv "The Duggars" that has like 16 or 17 kids all starting with the first letter J. They are really a family with good morals, values, and role models.

I've also been around the mormon church alot where this common to have many many kids.

My only con's to a big family is when I was growing up in a blended step family of 6 kids I was ignored and noone gave me attention. I was the invisible middle child.

Right now I have 1 child and only child and it's working out great for me. Main reason because I'm not married but also because I can financially afford her needs, and have the ability to give her the attention and affection she needs. I honestly don't know how single mother's of multiple kids do it. I also don't have much for support from family either though.

If you want a big family don't let what other's think stop you. Everyone thought I was nuts for wanting to have a child in my early 20's and only being engaged at the time and I didn't let it stop me, after several miscarriages I got my baby. Unfortunately things didn't work out between her father and I but that's not something I would have predicted.

Your kids will also be spaced out somewhat so running to soccer practice etc. will be easier. They're not all back to back. I'm a soccer mom and I see it all the time where they have kids back to back like a year apart and can hardly do it running from one field to the next.

I think you'd have a wonderful family and size shouldn't matter!

Hey Ladies....EMPOWER!

Weather it's the color of your lipstick or the way you want your family don't let ANYONE make you feel bad or steer you away from what you(and your husband) want.

You are the only one that knows how to make you happy. People in the grocery store need to mind their business (maybe they are unhappy with their own life?). As for your friend? She doesn't sound like a very good one.

My husband and I are stuggling with deciding weather or not to have more than one child. We want to travel and give our child(ren) the world (not toys and junk but literally the WORLD :o) and I just don't know if we would be able to do that (finacially) with more than one but on the flip side we both have sibling we can't imagine being without.

If you know what you want then go for it!!!

Good Luck!
~A.
(I need two and a half planets to sustain my lifestyle...yikes!)

I believe people get upset because this country is over popoulated already. Society is starting to take on the idea of "replace yourself" vs. the old fashioned way of having lots of kids. The replace yourself theory is that you should have one child for you to replace you on this earth, and your husband should have one for him to replace himself on this earth. Anymore than that is just over population in many people's eyes. If everyone had 4-5 babies...we would be another China where they are having extreme over population problems and have introduced laws that only allow families from having more than 1 child, which boys are preferred and the girl baby's get dumped into foster families. I'm personally am not saying that the USA willever do this, but I believe that some people think we should be using more preventative measures before it gets out of control.

When we had 2 I thought. I'm not sure if I want 3, but I'm not ready to take permanent measures. Well God made the choice for us and a wonderful little boy was born. I can't imagine life without him. Now, I feel our family is complete.

If you want to have 4 or 10 that is your choice as long as you can finacially and emotionally support them.

Hi!

I think it is a wonderful idea and you shouldn't let others influence your decision. Its your family. I have three boys. 4,3 and 1. I would have had more if we could afford it, but I am also happy with what we have. The bigger cars are coming back (which is nice to those who have big families). If you have the money to be able to take care of them all...well have as many as your heart is content. You probably want that girl now...LOL. I think those who have one kid are just to selfish to have more. Plus I also think that you don't know what having kids are till you have a few of them.

Thats just what I think....Really, though, If you and your partner want more and can handle it emotionally and financially, there is no reason not to have more if that makes you guys happy. :)

Best wishes.

I thought this was a really interesting question, with a lot of good input from everyone. Some things that occurred to me as I was reading:
1. Is the question "is it really an irresponsible move to have 4 children?" or is it "is it really an irresponsible move to have 4 children that are biologically/genetically related to you?" There's a difference there, and I think that by ignoring it we leave out all the moms who have adopted.
2. I thought it was interesting to see that people were equating having children with completing oneself.
3. I thought it was alarming that people felt it necessary to judge you, L..
4. I thought the information on the ecological footprint was interesting.

So...since you were asking for opinions...

I think that this is a really touchy subject. Everyone has reasons that are right for them for how many children they have biologically and by adoption. I think if you are a responsible parent, then it is your choice how many children you raise. I think that people have said things that have merit, and people have said things that are just flat wrong, and yet it is still all subjective. So weigh what you are reading and do what you think is the most responsible thing.

Good luck!

My opinion is this, if you are able to afford more children and your husband and yourself want more children, then no one else has the right to judge you for that. Did you read about the family who has 17 children? I believe that is in Arkansas and they have the money along with the house (7000 sq. ft.). I think it is great that you are able to have more children. Good luck!

Now on the flip side, I have a friend who is not responsible and in my own opinion should have waited to have children and get married. They barely live paycheck to paycheck, they lost their house that they worked hard getting different grants for and have baby #2 on the way. She refuses to work (she is fully capable) or to take some classes to move forward with her education (she has been in college before, but did not finish). Her husband's parents and her mom along with the church they go to and other family members all want to know why she refuses to work. This is a huge example of what frustrates me when people have children. It just comes down to being responsible and not expecting others to take care of them. She has had a $500 phone bill that she argued with the company over and got her husband's work to pay for some of it, which to me is wrong. Yes the company issued him a cell phone, but the charges on it is her and her husband's responsibility, not the companies.

Sorry if I babbled, I would like to have another child or two. However, we don't know if that will work out for us. We are both remarried and each of us has a child from our previous marriages. While trying to conceive, my husband agreed to do some testing and we will have to have the doctors help in becoming pregnant b/c they gave us a 10% chance of conceiving naturally. And our finances too, we just moved and have our first house payments to make along with some fixing up to do. So we will just see what the future holds for us.

Again, good luck with what you choose to do!

Don't worry about what others have to say. If you are doing a good job now of taking care of and loving your children why not have another. I think that we take everyone else's opinions too seriously sometimes! The others you have spoken to all come from different perspectives. I think that you should listen to your heart and also your husband's and have another if you are serious about it! You never know, maybe that will be the one to find the cure for cancer or be the next President??!! Good Luck!!

Both my husband and I come from big families and we just had our 2nd child. We are planning on having a large family. Don't worry what other people think, there may be other issues that they are not letting you know about going on. Just have your family and enjoy every minute of it.

My future in-laws have 4 kids each. They get those funny looks from people in the grocery store because these days 4 kids seems like a lot to most people. One father who has 4 kids is an attorney and he's very opinionated on this subject. He figures, if he's a good person and raises his kids right, he ought to have a large family. I agree. All the talk about the planet being overpopulated is bunk, in my opinion.

I've also heard of family members disapproving. One grandmother was very unhappy with all the kids that were born after #2. There were 5 more after that!! Her reasoning was that she wanted to take her grandchildren on extravigant trips, but she could only afford to take the first two. So, there's a classic example of someone who means to be generous and ends up being extremely selfish.

I say, have as many kids as you want!!! People will continue to have their opinions about how many kids you should have, what toys to give them, what schools to send them to, what length hair they should have, etc. That will never change. Just stand firm in what you believe and if you believe that you're being called to have a big family. So be it. Just raise that family with grace and strength and no one can condemn you for doing a great job!

L.

L.,
I think that it is nobody's business, except your own. As long as you are taking care of your children and loving them then I don't see why anyone else should care. You have to do what your heart says. Good luck!
S.
(I'm the second oldest of nine, and I personally want five, I have two)

First of all, shame on your best friend for giving you the silent treatment just for wanting kids! Next, I come from a family of 7 and so did my husband. I loved growing up with a lot of siblings and I love having lots now that I am older. My husband and I only have 1 now, but hope to have many more! (if we can afford it!) You have to do what's best and feels right for you, don't worry about the rest of the world!

I don't think it is irresponsible to have a large family at all - environmentally or otherwise. If you can support your children on your own, it is no one's business how many you have. Our population is smaller today than in past years - we are not overpopulated. In fact, I have read that in Europe the authorities are worried because women aren't choosing to have children anymore! Do what is best for your family and enjoy - if your friends cannot handle it, find new ones. How rude that they act that way! Good luck!

L.:

I have 4 boys and just had a baby girl in April! I have never had the rude responses from people that you have had. I'm sorry that you had to go through that! My personal opinion is that if you can afford to take care of them without assistance, then you should have as many as you and your husband want! It is expensive and it does become REALLY hectic when they get older and in sports. (My boys range in age from 17 to 12.) I love the large family and so do all of the kids---they fight, but the love is consistent and evident. Best wishes!
K. D.

In my personal opinion its whats in your heart. If you heart is telling you to have one more. Than have one more. I have two blessing right now. And I won't mind when the time is right have have another. ( and I have had friends and family tell me I should be done by now( I don't feel done)).But, for me my number ever since I was younger has been three. So.. Good luck !!

Hi L.. It is so sad that our society today looks down upon a large family. My husband comes from a family of 10 children. I have 1 sister. I often wish I had more. It is always so much fun visiting with a big family and hearing all the great stories. If you want another child I say go for it! Our children are precious gifts from God! Who is going to take care of us when we get old? It is not socially irresponsible to have a large family. We need our children to help repopulate the earth. We are not overpopulated as some will say. We are actually about the same if not decreasing! As hard as it is to take what others are saying, go with your heart and do what you know is right. Not only will you enjoy your new bundle, but your other children will be thankful and happy to have a new brother or sister.

Take care,
J.

Whatever you want too as long as you can support them without assistance. I think 2-3 is typical. Like my husband says, what will another child provide or give that the other kids don't give to you. It's really up to you though. It's your life and your family. I have issues when people keep having kids and they can't provide their children a full 2-4 year college education and/or they depend on the tax payers money to support them.