Those of Us Different from 'Normal'

Dear S.-

I am the mom of a special needs child. She is a 'funny looking kid'...as an aside, did you know that 'FLK' was often part of a child's medical notes?? Really...

Anyway, shannon does get her share of stares...from kids to adults. I often just introduce her...and often...explain a little about shannon and the challenges she has had and overcome.

I feel she is a walking miracle...and a truly beautiful gift.

I am interested in how other folks deal with this...

May edit later!!

Good question!
Michele/cat

I think probably the first time this situation came up for us was the first time my son saw someone with black skin. (He was pretty little) He was looking and looking at the man's hands and asked me if the man was wearing gloves! I laughed and said "No--his skin is black, not white. See..even you & I have different shades of skin. (we compared forearms) Some people have white skin, black skin, brown skin just like some of us have blond hair or red hair."
The next thing he noticed was someone walking with a can or walker (forget which O.) and he asked what it was. I told him "She has trouble walking and that makes it easier for her".
My son is 8 and I've always just been very factual when he has noticed people with differences. Keep it short, factual, simple & easy to understand!

My 4 year old son and I went shopping the other day and one of the people working at the store was a little person. Sam laughed with delight and pointed. I have to admit, I was mortified. He certainly wasn't TRYING to make fun of her and he wasn't trying to be mean. We went over the fact that everyone is different. Tall, short, big, small, and in tons of different colors.

I'm debating whether or not to go back to the store and have him apologize, but I don't think he would remember it. And plus, it may just be for my own personal conscience and not make the lady feel any better. In which case, that would be wrong as well.

I have a severe club foot. If I wear open shoes, and people look down, they see that I have no toes on one foot, and it's shaped like a mutant mango. It doesn't bother me if people stare. It is what it is.

Re the concept of "normal," we have a saying around my household (whose members have all sorts of eccentricities). "Normal is, by definition, a mathematical average. We are not abnormal; we are simply beyond average."
And if you think about it, NOBODY is "normal" according to that definition. Everybody has at least one characteristic or feature that is beyond average.

My Mom and Dad taught me that those among us with disabilities are special in that God entrusted them with some of his cross. God only gives some of his cross to very special people that he wants to draw closer to, that he loves dearly. We were to give them the highest respect.

One time when my eldest daughter was 3 years old, we were walking in the store and she was skipping right toward a man in a wheelchair. He was missing both of his legs.

"WOW! Mommy yook at dat MAN in dat chair!"

::holds breath as man looks at her::

"DAT MAN IS DRESSED YIKE A WEAL COWBOY!"

And indeed he was, from top to bottom with a real two gallon hat and Texan cowboy dress. He even had spurs outfitted on his wheelchair.

Awesome question.

When I sense my kid notices someone you are talking about, I always whisper to him "I wonder what his/her name is". Takes the focus off the physical state that person is in b/c we spent the next few minutes trying to guess a name. Its also a great opportunity for my kid to introduce himself to anyone of all abilities and physical states.

I have always taught him to never say anything about what someone looks like but rather to say what kind of person he/she is. If my kid doesn't know if someone is nice, mean or kind, then my kid isn't allowed to say anything about anyone at all.

We train our kids to notice the differences in things from the start - shapes, colors, numbers, letters - and then we teach them to verbalize what they see. Its only natural they'll do the same when they start noticing the differences in humans. Its how much we expose our kids and teach them how to react to these differences that either makes our lives either uncomfortable or more fulfilled.

My sister had a condition called Rett Syndrome that caused her to use a wheelchair all her life and seem very child like even in her size, and be super, super sweet. Children asked all the time what was 'wrong' with her or what happened to her. That never bothered my family in the least and my sis adored children. I mean it is an honest question you know? What was bothersome was adults who were trying not to look or people who just don't even acknowledge you are trying to maneuver a wheelchair and just cut you off in a crowd or don't move their chair in the least to help you etc, which is not all that common thankfully. So in a case like that where she saw a little person and you saw her noticing him with fascination, I would just talk to her about it. Something like "Did you see that little man on the elevator?" "What did you think about it?" And then just answer her questions as they come. Children are in a learning process and it is honest curiosity so I wouldn't worry too much about it :D

I usually explain to my daughter what is the medical reason behind their differences and tell her that eventho they look different, they don't like to be called out or treated differently than we would. By telling her the medical purpose behind a difference, it makes her see that the person didn't necessarily chose to look so different, but that their body had another idea.

We have a friend who lost his leg in Afghanistan (stepped on a landmine; has a prosthetic) and I flat out asked him how he feels when people comment or stare ;)

If adults inquire POLITELY, he'll tell him. Stares bother him the most; he thinks 'JUST ASK ME!'... if someone makes a rude comment, he either ignores it, or starts walking super funny with his fake leg, just to freak them out, LOL...

If a child asks or stares, he says that's totally different because that's normal for kids (whether the child is 3 or 13). He breaks it down, age appropriately, and kind of feeds of the parents looks so he knows if he's saying too much or giving too much detail. He said most parents are horrified and apologize, but they usually thank him afterwards for explaining. He does not feel bad at all if kids are fascinated or scared or curious... he explains and makes it better. He feels good about sharing his story because he lost his leg defending our country.

If someone was born with a defect (sometimes you can tell the difference, other times you can't), I tell my kids (at home, so it doesn't happen in public), that that's just the way they were made, same as they were made with blonde hair and blue eyes, some people are born without limbs or deformities. I tell them that if they see something and have a question about it, they can wait until we're in the car or at home to ask. This works well... we recently saw a man at the mall who's leg was BACKWARDS. One faced forward, the other was backwards. The girls noticed it (I noticed them noticing) and waited until we were in the car to ask :)

My youngest has a birthmark on her face, and I don't mind at all when people stare or ask questions. We also hear some rude comments, or weird people who will gush, "Oh, the poor dear, oh it really looks bad, oh it looks like she got hurt, awwww". I fell bad that those people are such total morons, but so far I don't mind since my daughter is 2 and doesn't know better yet.

That said, I ALWAYS made the rule since the kids were talking, that you don't talk about what people LOOK like. Period. Unless it's nice. You don't say they're "big" or "skinny" or ____race color (my daughter would say, "look, mom, a Japan person" if she saw someone Asian after the news coverage for the earthquake. I just kept reminding, "don't talk about how people look, you just say 'lady' or 'man' or 'child'. If you are looking at them, dont' stare, and be prepared to say hello and smile if they see you" etc. Then I would explain the many differences later, but they knew not to say something in the moment. My husband and I live by that too, we don't say "look at the ____ lady", we say, "look at the lady with the blue hat". Just while the kids are sooo young, we want to set that habit. As they get older we can be a little more lax.

At other times, during reading books and stuff, I make sure to explain there are thousands of different ways people can look different, but they all have feelings, and you never make people feel bad for how they look. We go over it a lot actually. I really want them to understand that behavior is wrong when they see other people do it as well as not doing it themselves.

I had a great teacher who once said. "It's great not to say something mean about someone, but it's even greater not to think it." We're trying to model and instill that while the kids are young.

Thankfully we saw a man in the airport who was badly burned and disfigured. I was ASTOUNDED when my 3 yo son just said "hi" to him in the security line like anyone else, and then asked me LATER what happened to him. ASTOUNDED that he followed the rule even in a really extraordinary case. That rule (no pointing or asking or talking about what people look like) has saved us some awkward statements a few times.

I can respond on the side of the "un-normal" I have a 2 year old son and 7 month old twin sons. All 3 were born with bilateral cleft lip and palate. My oldest's was fairly severe and even still his mouth doesnt quite look right, he still has a few more surgeries. He has had the lip and palate repair and the twins have had their lips repaired. We sometimes get stares, from kids and adults alike. Once, when our older boy was just a few months, my husband and I took him shopping with us and one of the workers just kept staring, very obviously and rudely at him. I personally am of the mindframe that if you are curious, child OR adult, just ask. I personally do not get offended if someone asks me questions as long as they arent rude about it. We had went out to visit my mom out of state and she had a family gathering while we were there. My cousins daughter, who was about 5, kept saying "whats wrong with his lip, whats wrong with his nose?" and her mom, cousins wife, just kept sushing her and looked embarassed. I was upset that she wouldnt answer her daughter. So I explained in the most simplest way a 5 year old can understand. I encourage people to ask questions because otherwise they will never know or keep thinking with outdated myths. I think when my older son starts asking questions I will explain the best way I know how and encourage him to not point. I know that not everyone likes to be asked about their differences. this is just my situation.

My daughter has made comments from time to time and I just explain to her that God made us all different because if we were all the same life would be boring.

yesturday morning we were at adr. apt for my daughter and my son (6) saw a baby boy whose hands were fused as fists and had to have a machine in his throat to suck out flem and mucus....he asked me why the baby was this and why that (not so loud that everyone could hear) and i just told him all babies are born different and reminded him that when he was little he had a breathing machine .....thankfully throughout the last sschool year he sat next to a special needs child in a wheelchair and helped that child throughout the year so it was easier for him to understand at this age.... but when he was 4 we were at shaws and the cashier had 1/2 of his arm and kyle jumped up in the shopping cart and asked him "whats that? and whered it go?" i wanted to die

I remember when my child first saw a little person. She wanted to know why a man looked like a child. I remember being more worried that it upset the man. Which I didnt it was just an opener to explain how God liked variety and created us in all shapes and sizes. I also explained just because you've only seen one who was that size does notmean there arent more. Which got me in a whole big discussion where I had to explain what countries and where they live lol.

I remind my 5 YO daughter constantly that everyone is different.

So when those situations arise - and they often do - I will squat down to her level and wisper in her ear, "remember, everyone is different and shhhhh, we don't want to hurt his/her feelings." Of course, she still asks a question or two and stares but I tell her that we will discuss it in the car.

There was a woman at the pool one day who had a habd at her elbow on one arm and a stump at the elbow on the other arm. It scared my daughter at first. But I said - look - she has two daughters and is playing with them in the pool and is even blowing up beach balls and tossing them in. You have to make the most with what you have. She is just like us - but she has special skills cause she can do SO MUCH without hands.

My daughter comments on tattoos all the time - but I don't care - those with tattoos chose to get them and I suspect like the comments since it's usually - Wow! Cool! Will they wash off?? :)

Children are so innocent and pure. My son & daughter have surprised me so many times with their observations of others. Sometimes in very awkward moments. They don't realize their direct questions are rude or may hurt the other person's feelings. They just want to know...hey, why are your teeth like that? Did you forget to brush? Mom, why did God make that man short? Asking a waiter, Are you a man or a woman? I really just handle it with a statement or another question to them ..That's why we brush our teeth and visit the dentist. Well, why are your eyes green? We talk about how we have to be careful of other's feelings. They don't get that noticing that someone has brown skin might be perceived badly. It's just a pure observation to them. Mom, I found a friend at the kid's club. It was a girl, she is 6 and she's brown. No connotations, judgements or meaning behind it whatsoever.

I have not had this happen yet, but I am loving the responses. I will definitely be uses some of the advice.
The most similar to this for us has been tattoos. Obviously, my son is not around people with tattoos becase we were coming out of the grocery last Saturday and there was a man coming in that had tattoos all over his arms and he was wearing a tanktop. My son asked very loudly, "Why did that man draw all over himself?" I just kept walking and ignored the question until we got in the car.

i would try to distract until the moment passes - my 4 year old son would NOT stand there quietly, so you are lucky :) he once referred to our waiter (who looked perfectly normal to me!) as "that guy with the pointy head" hehehe. he said, in full hearing of the entire restaurant, of course - including the waiter himself..."MOMMY WHEN IS THAT GUY WITH THE POINTY HEAD GOING TO BRING US MORE CHIPS???" *sigh*...i have no clue where it came from....

we were recently visiting family and sitting outside when a guy from the electric company came by to check their meter or something - we were sitting on her deck which is about 3 feet off the ground, and i couldn't really tell if this guy was actually a little person or it was just our perspective but i thought he looked pretty short as well, and of course my son had to ask why he was so short. first i told him it was because we were up high, then when he persisted in pushing the issue, i just told him, "babe, some people are tall, some people are short. we are all different." and left it at that. i don't "think" that the gentleman overheard him, but i hoped that was a diplomatic answer either way.

mostly i just want him to know that we all come in different sizes, shapes, etc, and it's perfectly fine. we are more working on not talking about people, and not staring lol. good luck with yours!

my sister works with mentally and physically challenged people. i've taken my kids up there before. my kids have never actually said anything (thankfully because my son is like a bullhorn he's so loud ;)). but they have asked why people are like that. i've just told them that some people are born different or have accidents where they are different. Or I be as matter of fact as possible. we have a man in a local store that has a huge birthmark on his face and it distorts his features. when my children have aked me i just tell them it's a birthmark. my husband actually will point to people in wheelchairs, etc. and say "look at the poor little girl, see how her big brother is pushing her, isn't that nice" but there are so many "normal" people who aren't either, and i try to tell my kids that also. the world is full of "different" people, sometimes you can tell, sometimes you can't :)

When my children were younger than about 4, and I would see that stare or look in their eye, when you know 'the comment' is coming, I would immediately divert their attn. I would get them away from the situation or find something exciting to tell them quickly! After they turned 4 or so, I would explain to them that it is not nice to say something in front of the person, it could hurt their feelings. I would continue about it saying that they can't help it, they are born that way, or an accident, etc I would tell them that you never know what the future holds and you should never, ever make fun. Today, my son is 8 and if he sees someone 'not normal' he will look casually and we will talk about it later. My daughter is 5 and she will look....longer, then whisper to me what she thinks...not quite what I would like but it is a start. :o) Just start talking to her...
When my son was 3 he saw a guy with long hair and he said, "mommy, why that man have girl hair???" really loud! then he saw a heavy, heavy woman and said, "mommy, her is FAT!" and yes, she heard. yikes. My daughter sees women with short hair and says, "why does she like to look like a boy??" Oh they are funny!! Write the comments down so you can laugh at them later.

I hope that people have a little grace for little kids who stare. Adults who rudely stare are another thing, though! They know better!

I absolutely loved Amy J's post! That's how my husband and I are trying to raise our kids. I loved the quote too!

Just today it made me sad, when my 7 year old son was checking his blood sugar (both of my kids have type 1 Diabetes) and my 6 year old nephew said, "It creeps me out when you do that". My nephew has watched my son and my daughter check their blood for years (my son was diagnosed 1.5 years ago and my daughter, 3 years ago) and has never said anything unkind, but today he pushed the issue and my sister didn't say a WORD. I don't want my kids to have to worry that they are "creeping" someone out when they check their blood or use their insulin pumps. Kind hearted and appropriate questions are wonderful, and even children can learn to keep silent when they can't say anything nice.

Great question!

when my now 13 year old son was maybe 2 i was at k-mart and he was in the set of the buggy and we were walking along and an eldery black man came up behind us and he hollored out daddy, daddy , daddy with his arms streched out to the man. i thought i would die,. another time at the store he brabbed my boob and hollored mamas got big titties. over and over. i told him not to say that so he hollered mamas got little titties at the top of his lungs. the thing of it is he thought it was sooooo funny. all i can say is good luck. mom of 7, R.

Good question! My 3 year old son just did that over the weekend for the first time. We were walking to our car and a Hasidic man was walking towards us. My son very loudly exclaims "Mommy, look at him! That old man looks funny!". I started laughing (I know, wrong) but the truth was, he did look "funny" because he was wearing knickers and tights in addition to the usual Hasidic dress. I am still thinking about what I will say next time!

kids dont know unless you teach them most people who have something different than us know that. i went thru this with my 2 and i would just tell them something made them sick or hurt ect to have them look a little different. my daughters now know that it doesnt matter what you look like just that you are human ages 7 and 4

I certainly understand where you are coming from and as parent's it is something that we all go through. The first time my daughter noticed someone different, she loudly acknowledged the difference and pointed. Right then I stopped and addressed the situation. I explained to my DD that first it is not polite to point at people, second I explained why that person was different, and third I explained that it is always okay to ask questions but that she should ask them quietly so as not to hurt any ones feelings. She was very young at the time but she understood completely. Since then she still asks when she sees some one with a difference but she never points and always uses a low voice with her questions.