My ex husband and I are getting along reasonably well. However, he's going through some "stuff" professionally and personally right now. He lost his job and his girlfriend the same week. His response has been to go out. A lot. I don't think it's the healthiest coping mechanism, but he's a adult and it's better than drugs or gambling.
My concern is that our 7 year old has become aware that he's out partying. During the school year, he has her only 2-3 nights out of every 7, but in summer, he gets more time. She returned from the last multi-day stay complaining that every night her dad left her with caregivers, stayed out late, and awakened her (accidentally?) on his return.
Honestly, I can't summon the energy to be concerned. She was with her regular caregivers, not some random neighborhood teen or someone he found on Craigslist. He probably was a bit noisy when he came in to check on her. Our daughter is a worrier. And, well, a bit of a Puritan. I think a big part of the issue for her is that Dad is off having fun without her. So, my first inclination is to say nothing to him.
However, she came to me with her concern and I'm not sure what to tell her other than "Sorry that Daddy woke you up. I'm sure he didn't mean to. You look well-rested so you must have been able to fall back to sleep pretty quickly." It was clearly not the response she was looking for.
Now that summer is over, we're returning to our regular schedule and she'll be with her Dad fewer nights. I seriously doubt that he'll be off partying on school nights. I am not a confrontational person and know this is going to push all sort of buttons with him if I mention Chickpea's complaint. And his response would likely be "It was a few hours. She was safe and supervised. Why do you care?"
So I'm figuring this a phase that will pass without any need for me to discuss it with him. Am I wrong to NOT say something?
Thanks everyone. My gut instinct was to leave it alone, but it helps to have others give their input on that approach.
Seems she's as well cared for as she would be if her dad were there himself for those few hours. I do have "right of first refusal", but it would be awkward to exercise between 9 PM and 1 AM unless I want to stay at his place with our sleeping child --which I have no desire to do. Plus, I feel pretty confident that once she starts school this week, he won't want to be out late. We're in our forties and he has never been a morning person. If he does keep it up and it seems to bother her, I will suggest that she bring her concerns to him directly.
He had a double whammy that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Ultimately, I'd rather he go out for a few hours and blow off some steam, flirt, etc., then sit home and be depressed in front of our kid.
09/08 update: I am very happy to report that things seem to have improved since Chickpea started school last week. I haven't heard that her dad is going out after he puts her to bed. He told me that he had a couple leads on jobs so I think he feels he'll be back on his feet soon.
My only reason to say something to ex would be - do you wish that she was spending those nights with *you* instead of with a babysitter? I mean, childhood goes quickly, and time is precious. If ex would rather go out drinking with the guys on Friday (which I agree is fine), well, maybe you should revise the visiting schedule so she can spend Friday with you, rather than "wasting" that night by her just sitting around with a babysitter.
Wow. Most parents I know don't party on a regular basis, so I would be very concerned. Maybe once in a while but this seems to be a regular thing and I wonder if he is coming home drunk. I doubt she is jealous of him. She wants to be with him because she has such little time with him. If I were you, I would tell him to grow up, party the nights she isn't there, or I will change the custody arrangement. That she is coming to you is a big red flag.
You are RIGHT not to say something to him!
You sound like you have tons if faith in his ability to be a good father & that is great!!!!
~IMO, the only one you need to talk to is your daughter. She might benefit from a conversation about Mommy & Daddy being adults & sometimes have adult things to do w/out her & that just b/c you guys might be having fun w/out her sometimes (which you're entitled to do!) doesn't mean that you guys don't love her!!! She just sounds a little insecure in her love... Fix it for her Mommy!!! That's my .02 cents.
i think the best thing would be for HER to say something to him. i wouldn't coach her per se, but maybe let her bounce ideas off you.
i think it's uber-cool that you're not trying to manage him, or his relationship with her, btw.
and nope, i don't think you are wrong at all to allow him to go through his rough patch in his own way, and just help your daughter adjust.
good on ya, mama!
khairete
S.
If you have to say anything then let him know that you understand that he's having a hard time right now so if he'd like to modify his schedule of having your daughter for a while you'd be open to it.
I think the issue is that your daughter noticed a change in her dad's evening routine, a change in her Daddy, and it's one she doesn't like. She doesn't understand why the change occurred, so coupled together who fixes things in her life? Mommy does.
You handled her concerns really well, just not how she expected you to handle it. Perhaps if she understood a little bit better why the changes occurred she might accept them a little better... and that will help her begin to figure out that while she's the center of her parents' world, they still have very important things going on in her life that aren't all about her.
So my suggestion is to encourage your daughter to mention her worries to her father herself but I'd wait until/unless she brings it up again. Your daughter needs to know she can talk to her father as well as to you.
EDIT: Am I correct in guessing that he only goes out once she's in bed asleep? Because if she's sleeping then he's not "missing out" on spending time with her and as long as there's a trusted adult in the house like a grandmother or other relative or sitter, then he can go out. It seems like the daughter just happened to wake up and notice and it's only an issue because she's "aware."
I wouldn't say anything either. It is really not your place. I would encourage my daughter to speak up though.
Yes, I think you should say something, for her. On nights that she is with him, his focus should be on spending time with her. His job loss, unless he is job hunting, and new freedom should be on the back burner for the 5 days that she is not with him. Otherwise, what is the point of her visiting?
I am torn a bit between saying nothing (which is what everyone else is saying) and giving your ex a "head's up". See, I think most people look at it as if you have 2 choices: say nothing, or say "you're being a jerk and what do I tell her?" But those aren't the only choices.
My husband and I have never been divorced (so take that how you want in terms of my perspective), but he still sometimes can hurt the children's feelings from time to time (and so can I). Even if I don't plan to do anything about it (explain it to the kids, ask him to change anything) I can (and do) still inform him that the kiddo was upset. Then he can do what he feels is best to deal with it. And that is the approach I would probably take here.
Hey, Frank, Chickpea mentioned to me that you woke her up the other night when you came in and she seemed like maybe here feelings were a little hurt. I'm not sure why she told me, but I thought you'd want to know that apparently something about it bothered her. I just told her ____ and left it at that. Just a head's up...
But, if you think he'll take it the wrong way, then don't say anything.
If you think he will recognize that it is strictly informative for HIM about where his daughter's head is at, then go ahead. Your "concern" isn't about what he is doing, but rather that he be aware of your daughter's mental response to it (not that she is right or wrong or that he should change anything).
I mean, if your daughter had a dog her whole life and then one day just before school it got run over by a car when your daughter was in 2nd grade, you'd tell her teacher: Hey-- just a head's up.. if she seems out of sorts today, her dog was run over this morning.
I see these as similar type things... You aren't expecting or trying to prompt any response, but you are giving him information that might be valuable or useful to him. You aren't advocating for anyone. Just giving pertinent information.
I think the fact that your dd brought it up to you, that it deserves at least a small mention. You could just say that you're not trying to start anything and that you understand he's had a rough time of things, but to be aware that his dd came to you and said these things. Communication is going to be extremely important for the two of you to coparent your daughter and if you are "afraid" to talk to him about these things, what will happen when it's something bigger? This will be good for you to be there for your daughter and if he doesn't understand then I would feel he doesn't have her best interest at heart.
I'd help her put words to why it bothers her. Draw it out of her. She may not even know why it bothers her, only that it does. Then encourage her to bring it up with him. Not to lecture him, but to ask for what she needs. I'm a big fan of asking for what you need. And what she likely needs is a dedicated dad who makes her feel cherished and important, which his actions don't imply. If he cannot give her what she needs, at least there is clarity on the topic.
I agree with letting your daughter talk to dad herself, and otherwise staying mum with your ex. He's had a rough time and it sounds like he IS being very responsible by ensuring that she has a sitter, etc. If this complaint is continuing into the school year, causing your daughter anxiety/stress, then that would be the time to advocate for her, but otherwise, teaching her how to speak for herself would be good.
My guess is that he's grieving these changes in his own way. Most of us know how difficult it is to 'act normal' around our kids when we are really upset. I hope things change for him and that your daughter gets some connection time with him again soon. I agree, though, that there's nothing you can say which isn't going to push his buttons.
Personally I would be kinda pissed to be missing out on time with my dd so that dad could dump her with a sitter and go out everynight. I mean if he doesnt want his time, Im sure you would be happy to have more. Cant he just wait to go out drinking for when he doesnt have her? I would probably let him know that dd was upset and talked to you, and that if he has other plans everynight during his time with dd that you would be happy to keep her. But Thats me.
Agree exactly with what Can't Decide said. Why does he have his child staying with him if he is going out with his buddies? That's like inviting company over and then leaving them with a babysitter so he can go do something else! Even if she has already gone to bed for the night, kids like the security of knowing their parent is still there if/when they wake up in the night. What if she had a nightmare or got sick? Kids don't want a babysitter, they want their parent when they need them the most.
I would say something if it were me or I would change the visitation schedule. He should be a parent with his child and save the going out time on the days he doesn't have her. This time goes way too fast especially since he doesn't see her on a daily basis.
HTH,
A.
Not your place if she was safe and cared for. If this becomes a habit I would begin documenting it, however overall I am sure it will pass and all will be well. If your daughter has an issue with it encourage her to say something.
If her safety was not compromised, it's really none of your business.
I would show him how deeply you care, and not let her stay there again-everything is always fine....until it isn't. Are you hoping something will go wrong so you can say, I told you so? or are you just afraid to stand up to him for fear of reprisal? Meanwhile, a child is in the middle. Not good, side up.
You are perfectly RIGHT to NOT say anything. He is an adult; he left her in good care. It is really none of your business if he goes out or how late he stays out. And your daughter needs to realize that daddy is an adult and she does not get to tell him what he can or can't do. Doesn't sound like her issue was being left, but that she doesn't want her daddy going out. She's not stupid; she's 7 and probably assumes he's dating and doesn't like it.
Again, she needs to understand she's his child, not his parent.
I am not in your situation so don't know exactly what I would do but since you are not concerned for her safety or her well-being, I would encourage her to talk to her father about it. Let it be up to her though whether or not she wants to bring it up with him. Suggest that if it bothers her she should mention it to him and explain why it bothers her. It will mean more to him coming from her and it encourages her to learn how to let others know when they are doing something that bothers her.
I think that I would mention it matter-of-factly as an fyi. I'd express her concern and tell him your response and be done with it. He would know from my tone that I am neither judging nor "caring". Leave it in his hands whether or not to address it with her, but give him the option.
ETA: Exactly what Isn'tthisfun? said.
