There's Got to Be a Better Way

I don't know what to tell you as far as how to make him understand, but he needs to understand that he's being unfair. He works, yes, but then he gets to get off of work and come home and stop working. You shouldn't have to work 24/7 with no breaks. 2 kids and a big house are more than a full time job.

As far as the financial issues, (this is completely my personal opinion but it ties in to the other issue as well) I don't think he should set you a certain amount you're allowed to spend. That just seems too much like getting an allowance like a child and you should be a team. Right now I'm staying at home while my husband works, and so long as I'm not going on any big shopping sprees and just buying reasonable things, we're good. He lets me know when money's running a little short and I'll try and be extra thrifty.

It's all about teamwork as a married couple.

Hello C.,

First of all, most men don't understand that being a SAHM is a 24-hour a day, 7 day a week JOB!!! My husband was the same way, until I sat down and explained it to him, without argument about who should do what. I just simply said to him "I take care of the kids and house all day long, and you go to your job all day long. So, when you come home from work don't you think it's fair that we both come together to take care of everything as a team? That way neither one of us is doing more than our fair share." I think that made him see things in a different light and helped him to want to help me more. Also, he got laid off work for a little while and got a "taste" of what I did all day long--and it wasn't sit on my butt!! Sometimes he falls back into the mode of come home from work and just chill out and relax. I have to remind him that there are still things that need to be done and if he would just help me out they'd get done faster and we could relax--TOGETHER. It's all about helping each other out and not being selfish of your own time. When do you ever get time to yourself?

Hope this helps!
Liz W.

Ahhhh. I have been there before. But my opinion has changed some over the past 9 years of staying home. I used to think he should help with a lot more than I do now. I guess I learned that if I was him and I had worked all day while he was at home and I walked in the door to a disaster and kids crying and a husband in his pj's who is irritated because nothing has gone his way all day and he wants me to cook, clean and take care of crying kids I would rather not come home. I would rather work late and come home after everyone was in bed. I want him to be glad he came home and I want to have a good night hanging out as a family.

The way we do housework I guess is this: I clean up from the messes made during the day while he isn't home. I shop for groceries and make meals (he will help get it on the table and fix the kids drinks). I do the bills and run the errands (unless I ask him to stop and pick something up for me that I forgot). At the end of the night he helps clean up any messes made that night since he got home and he helps with children while he is home. I stay at home with the kids and house during the day....we are both home at night and they aren't our "job" to fight over who takes care of them. They are gifts that we should treasure the time with. The budget part is something that we don't usually have a problem with. I do not spend much money on "extras". The youngest doesn't go to preschool so that isn't an expense to worry about. The grocery money is a family bill...not just mine...we all eat the food that it is used to pay for. We each get a set amount of gas money each week....If I have ran around and am out of gas before Friday then I don't go places. If there is something I want then we talk about it and if in reason he has no problem with it. Good luck with everything. C.

C.,

I'm with you all the way, girl. I stay at home also with my two children (2 boys that are 3 and 4 months old) It's hard to get them to understand what we do all day. Not only are we taking care of their children 24/7 (and yes, it is a 24/7 job) we are expected to be a professional chef, a maid, and a servant to our husbands since we don't get dressed up and go to a working establishment. I know that he is jealous in a way that I am home with the kids, but he admits that he would never have the patience or sanity to do what I do. Several times I've threatened to go back to work, and he backed off because he knows he has it good when I'm at home. I also agree with you that $600 a month is NOT enough for you to budget between all the things you have to accomplish in a month. Mabe you can prove that to him by showing him what you DO purchase every month with that money, and show him things you would like to do with that money. Guys need to see things in numbers and lists, so if you can put it in writing, maybe he'd be more prone to work something out?

For groceries, I shop at Aldi. I don't know if you've ever shopped there, but I swear by it. They are MUCH lower priced, and my grocery bills are practically cut in half by shopping there. All their products are from name brands, they are just labeled differently so that the major brands don't "lose out" on their products being sold at higher prices in the other grocery stores. (I know this for a fact because my hubby is a store manager for the company) They offer fresh meats like 90/10 ground sirloin, as well as frozen, like Tyson chicken breasts. They even have a few of the othe essentials like cleaning supplies, TP and Paper Towels, etc. We go there about every 3 weeks and spend under $150.00. (We may have to go back for a refill on fresh fruit and milk between visits, but that's about it)

As for getting your husband to help, I don't know what to say. He should at least be "husbandly" and give you a hand if you ask for it. My husband doesn't change diapers, make dinner or clean the kitchen afterwards, but he will bathe our older son or start a load of laundry if it looks like I'm about to go A-Wall! :) I wish you the best of luck on this, and feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to!

Take Care,
K.

I know you've gotten a lot of responses, but thought I'd add my two cents...

Like another poster, I too drive a school bus, and also go to school...but before that, I was "simply" a SAHM. My husband also thought that I should be able to have everything done, and clean...and I tried for awhile...UGH!!!! It is REALLY hard! I finally told him that I'm a Stay at home MOM to our KIDS...not him. He needed to pick up after himself...and I still do this... If he leaves his clothes in a pile on his side of the bed, that's where they stay, until he's ready to put them in the hamper (which is usually when he runs out of clean clothes). If he leaves his plate on the table, that's where it stays. I REFUSE to pick up after a grown man!!!!! I simply told him that I have enough to do cleaning up after the kids, and i am NOT his mother.

Sorry...i get a little irritated with this subject..hee hee.

Good Luck!!!

I feel like crying for you. That's awful. He gives you an allowance!!! WHAT!!?? If he "paid" for all the jobs you do (maid, daycare, cook, personal assistant) you'd be making well over $100,000 annually! I think you both need to have a heart to heart and really get out what is really bothering him. Otherwise it's just going to get worse and you'll really start to resent him. That's what my hubby and I needed to do. You have the greatest job of all and you should be so proud of yourself for taking on being a SAHM. It's not easy. Have him try it for a day. I'm sure he wouldn't last long. I'm not sure if you are Christian or not, but we are and spending time talking at the end of the day, reading a book we can both grow together with, talking to a counselor at our church, and being involved in a life group has REALLY helped us. We just moved here 7 months ago and don't really know anyone. Pile that on top of being a SAHM...wow did we have some issues to work out. Hope this helps! I'll certainly pray for you.

I guess you just need to ask yourself "Is this what I want?" Even though I think the thought of the man bringing home the bacon and the woman cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids is antiquated at best, what is the flip side? Do you want to work? If you want to stay home then I guess you'll have to learn to be dependent on your husband for money and yourself for the rest. I know after working 10 hr. days the last thing I want to do is cook and clean but I still do it. I think there is just more of a partnership mentality when both parents work, while if one is at home the other believes that the home should be taken care of. We work opposite shifts so someone is at home and someone is at work. Sometimes the house isn't clean and sometimes dishes, laundry and other tasks aren't done when I get home and vice versa - oh well, they'll all get done sooner or later. When I am at home with my children I don't want them to remember me always cooking, cleaning, etc. I want them to remember fun times: reading, playing, drawing, going to the park - whatevever... In the end if you are choosing to be a SAHM you should be choosing it for your children's sake, not for the cleanliness of your house and whether or not your husband has dinner waiting for him.

It does sort of sound like he's trying to punish you. Has he said he's resentful, or that he doesn't want you staying home? If not, he might just use that line because it seems to be working!

I have to say, I work part time teaching and am also working on my dissertation. I'm pretty busy, but I do most of my work (except the class I teach) at home during the days. Despite my responsibilities, I do all the housework, shopping, cooking, etc, and have a very difficult time getting any help around here. The kids are his from a prior, so he was used to doing all the chores before I got here, but now, trust me, he's totally forgotten those days! If he has to lift a finger, he mopes about it like a ten year old boy. This semester he got furious at me because the class I teach at UMKC lets out at 3:15 p.m. and I can't make it all the way back out south to the school by 3:40, and that means three afternoons out of every ten, he has to go back to his old deal (go in early, leave early) or ask his mom. Hello, these are his kids, and while I love them and want to do the mom-thing for them, he should (in my opinion) willingly do whatever needs to be done if I can't. But he's "just a guy" (he tells me that all the time), and he hates chores, to be inconvenienced, to have to do anything "not fun" that someone else can do for him, etc. So, I don't think it's necessarily because you're a SAHM. He might just be avoiding chores BECAUSE HE CAN. You're staying home gives him an excuse he can use!

Here are a couple of things you might possibly say to him when he refuses to lend a helping hand:

1. He has a full time job, and it's 40 hours. You, too, should get to knock off after 40 hours. At the end of the day, tell him you don't work 24/7 anymore than he does - you've put in a full day already, and you're "off" just like he is.

2. Helping with the kids is not only a chore, it's the tie that binds a parent to their child. Tell him he's doing it for his relationship with his children.

Good luck!

Hi C.,
Well I feel like I have 3 jobs...1) home child care provider 2)SAHM 3)I am the CEO of this house, manager and lead.

So that being said I work 6 am to 10 pm Monday thru Friday, I watch 4 kids anf have 4 of my own. My husband works fulltime Monday thru Friday 9 am to 8 pm. So with my job I take care of my daycare kids, the dishes during the day, cook dinner, give the kids a bath, sweep the floor and mop 3 times a day (hardwood floors), clean up the house.
My husband switches laundry over every morning before work and trys to put it away, he gets 3 kids up and ready 1 for school the other 2 dressed for the day. I get the oldest one up because I have to be up for daycare.

Then on the weekends...my husband mows the yard, I clean what needs to be cleaned, we clean the whole house together. As far as the finances go with me working also we throw it all in the same kitty, we pay what needs paid and we buy groceries and things that are needed at walmart. I have a dry erase board on the fridge that we write down whatever we run out of, this way both of us knows what is needed.
I feel like if you are going to stay home then you could cut out the expense of preschool. This would save you $300a month, that puts money back in your pocket.

I take care of our house for the most part, I also watch children but my husband helps me when he is home. Just because I don't physicaly leave the house and time in doesn't mean i'm not working. I have a routine I follow everyday, if my husband gets here to help then cool otherwise I go on my merry way and get the stuff done so we can both sit down.

By the way here is my routine thought it might help.
6 am make sure my son gets up and in the shower
I go lay on the couch
6:30 make sure my son gets on the bus
sleep on the couch some more
7am first daycare kids gets here
7:30 am breakfast
8:40 son gets on the bus
9 am babies go down for morning nap
12 noon lunchtime
1pm - 3pm afternoon nap
3:30 snack time
5 pm 2 daycare kids get dinner
5:30 start dinner for my kids and 1 daycare kid
6:30 pm eating dinner
7:00 pm clean up the kitchen, sweep and mop the floors (also done at naptime)
8 pm 3 kids get their baths
9 pm bedtime for all kids and finish up cleaning the house. And then with any luck I am done and can sit down myself. Hope this helps you W.

If he truly feels that it is "your job" then he should pay you an hourly wage. Minimum wage is more than $5/ hour. If you let him know how much of your time is spent on keeping house, cooking, and caring for children, then show how much it would be to pay someone else to do it--even at minimum wage, perhaps that will give you an opportunity to let him know that it is not a "JOB" it is part of being a family. He should help you or be willing to pay you what you are worth--which, by the way is WAY more than minimum wage! If he works 40 or 50 hours a week, then what if you quit every day after 8-10 hours of "work". Can you clock out? He does. Having said that, aren't you in a partnership? You know, what's mine is yours kind of thing? Why are you so limited as to what you are allowed to spend (and not on frivolous stuff, either, but the necessities?!)

C.,
He sounds just like my husband and probably like 80% of the husbands out there with SAH Wives.

First of all, unless your husband is rich, there probably isn't a lot left for him to give you. And, unless he is out there spending tons of money on selfish things, you probably need to find a way to make some personal money of your own. There are tons of ways. You could sell something, candles, Avon, just about anything. Or, you could take an additonal child into your home and make money that way.

I don't EVEN know what to tell you about the house cleaning issue. I couldn't get help out of mine when we both worked outside of the home. He has gotten only slightly better in that if we have family coming and I ask him to sweep he'll do that. But wait..we have company about once per year!

If you are interested in knowing about a really great candle company, let me know. I just found a company that sells a candle that burns clean and is filled with all natural scents. I am HORRIBLY chemically sensitive. I haven't been able to burn a candle in over 5 years! Smelly soaps have been out a long with purfumes, air freshners etc. But I can actually handle this stuff. I decided to offer it to other people because I believe in them and I know there are a lot of people becoming more and more allergic and sensitive to unnatural man-made products.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the preschool thing. That's 300 dollars that I know you could use in your budget. You could have your son do a preschool curriculum that is fun, organized and only 20 dollars per month. It's called www.time4learning.com. With the other 280 per month I am sure you could find plenty of uses for and some of it could be spent on doing activities with play groups or even starting your own play group.

Suzi

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I agree with all the good advise already given.
I stay home with my 4, 2 and 6 month old boys. I totally agree with the person that said 'we both earn his paycheck' but I also get a certain amount of money each month ($900) that is for the groceries and gas for my car. And that is honestly just for food and gas and sometimes even that doesn't last me all month. This is not an allowance by any means but just so that I have that money in my account for when I grocery shop. It works better for me to have it that way. We have 2 separate joint accounts that function as our individual accounts. He pays all the other bills out of his account with the rest of the money.

Have the two of you sat down to really look at your budget to see what is reasonable?
I also have a big house. I never understood people who said a house was 'too much house' but now I do. I mean it isn't enormous but anyway.... I basically keep the house picked up but do very little as far as actually cleaning it. That is just what I have chosen to let go of. I can only do so much and at the end of the day I have to make sure that I am sane even if that means having a dirty house. My husband knows how hard it is to be at home with the kids and he is happy if I have kept us all alive when he gets home.

Good Luck!

I say let him have your "job" for a weekend and then let him ask what you do all day. *Correction* Just saw your update and NO BATH for 4 days??? AAAAGH!

Although chosing to stay home doesn't pay financially; it is one of the toughest, yet most rewarding jobs anyone can have! I'm not sure what to say about your hubby...I mean, yes...typically we clean, cook, take care of the kids, etc., but they are HIS kids too!, and he should WANT to read them a book, help put them to bed and/or have that relationship with them. I would sit down with him and ask what's really bothering him about you staying home? I mean, no preschool, etc., is going to love your kids like you do.

Something to consider...I work VERY part-time...I drive a school bus and it's the best mom job ever!!! (If you want more info about it I'm happy to get it to you) I pick kids up in the morning (bring my 4 year old on the bus with me) and then pick them up from school and drop them home in the afternoon. Pays well, gets me up and moving...run errands (store, etc.) after my route since I'm already out and then when I get home I run a load of dishes, laundry, pick up, have some breakfast, play with my daughter (if I have a doc appointment or whatever we do that), take a nap, have lunch and then go pick up the kids. I find having a routine, system, plan, whatever you want to call it helps. If I do something once a day chore-wise, I feel like I'm getting something accomplished.

The way my husband and I work...with my husband, he likes to cook...(grill mostly) and he makes a mean spaghetti sauce...but, he normally helps with laundry and dishes some, trash, yardwork, home maintenance (painting, etc.), vehicle maintenance and reads our girls stories or lays with them before going to bed. Kind of like if he sees it needs to get done, he just does it. I'm not too crazy about him doing laundry though because he washed everything in warm!

I'm wondering if your husband is a little jealous or bitter that you "get" to stay home. Maybe he is way stressed out at work or misses the money you brought in. Just sit down after the kids go to bed and have a heart to heart over a glass of wine. I'm sure he'll come clean with it.

Good Luck!

My husband did that too until I spent a couple of days visiting my grandparents out of town. He then realized how hard and frustrating it can be when your job never ends. You work 24 hours a day 7 days a week and does he think you never need a break from that? Ask him how he would like to do his job for the same amount of time and get absolutely no help, which is essentially what he is asking you to do. If reasoning doesn't work I would plan a weekend at a spa, or visit someone out of town. I know this is slightly deceptive and wouldn't recommend doing this if it would hurt your relationship, but just about every wife I know does it, Keep back about $20- $50 a week for a day or 2 days out. Let him spend some time doing your job, it just might bring him around.

I just wanted to say I completely agree with Carla....

"we are both home at night and they aren't our "job" to fight over who takes care of them. They are gifts that we should treasure the time with. "

C.,

I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband acts the same way to me most of the time. We have twins then a third daughter 14 1/2 months apart in age. I didn't think it made since for me to "work" (as my husband says) outside of the house because then all of my paycheck would be paying for day care. So I started my own day care, I also sell Mary Kay. Maybe getting something for you to do while with your kids will help with some of the money issuse. However, I don't get a "salary" to pay for any of it.
I disagree with the lady that says if you are home then you could cut out the preschool cost. I think it is good for them to be in preschool because it allows them to interact with children their own age and get ready for big kid school. My twins are in their second year and my 3 year old is in her first year. We were lucky to find a church pre school that was a ton cheaper than one of the Child Care Center pre school's.
Good Luck! J.

My first question is, do both of your kids go to preschool? I hate to be the barrier of bad news, but I will. When you're a SAHM, you are more than that. You are a house manager. You take care of your children, cook, clean, do all the shopping, and all of the 'kid stuff'. I also create and maintain the household budget. I know where the money must go first, bills, and where it needs then to be divided. I don't get a 'salary' and neither does my husband. We have a budget. And there are days that the picking up doesn't get done. My husband may make comments to me as well. But I stand up for myself and clearly state to him, "I know what my job is, what needs to be done, and what hasn't been done. Feel free to help out, and not criticize, when you feel that I need it." By him hearing that a few times, and the fact that he knows I don't sit down all day, he helps when needed. It is our responsibility and job. I have an 8 and 2 yr old. The 2 yr old does not go to school and when he's home, she still is all over me. Budgeting finances and time are key.

Well, I think it's reasonable to expect you to do the majority of the housework, but the kids are not your "job" they are both of your children, so he should help out with them when he is home. Day to day stuff like giving them baths, etc. is important to bonding and he should do some of that with them. And I'm not sure why you're getting a salary. If preschool costs $300, then that's the budget for preschool. And if groceries cost $500, then that's the budget for groceries, etc. Those are household expenses that have nothing to do with your personal allowance or budget.

Im not sure what to say about the financial issue. I dont know how much he makes, but I agree with what was already said, maybe he's giving you all he can already. One working parent does mean sacrifices most of the time, but if you're staying at home, why pay for preschool? IMO the whole point for staying home was that we didnt want someone with no vested interest in our child other than her getting home alive practically raising her, and that was very important to both of us, so he does whatever he can to make sure that works smoothly and that my time is devoted to her and not to playing his 'mommy" too.
I wont say we didnt go through any "thats your job you wanted to stay home" issues, but as I pointed out, that I stayed home to raise our child in a way WE agreed was right, not to be his housemaid. If that was my new job, then he was going to have to pay me for it. Not, of course that i dont clean, but no more than I did before we had our lil one. And he shares, I dont like to shop, he doesnt mind, and I love to cook so I do. He emptied the dishwasher, I fill it while Im cooking. I do the laundry because hes (i suspect on purpose lol) incompetant at it, he tidies, i CLEAN. Its a partnership because we both live here and both make the messes.

C.,
Your husband is not being reasonable at all. You have a full time job inside the home, just like he has one outside the home. How could you possibly do everthing? If you did go back to work p/t or f/t he would have to do more around the house, anyway. Don't let him make you feel bad for staing home and raising your children. You have the most important job there is even if you don't get a paycheck. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 3 yrs and my husband works full time and I do about 80% of house chores and he does the other 20%. He should help you! good luck

The way I broke my husband from asking what i do allday was to let him stay home with the kids by himself on a Sunday. I just left to go grocery shopping and left him home with the two boys for about three hours. He then understood what I did all day. As far as the finances go set a household budget that includes all of the expenses that you mentioned and then set a limit on the money spent for fun. I hope this helps.

I didn't read all of your responses, becuase you got A LOT. But I really wanted to give you my experience. My husband and I sat down when I became a SAHM. We listed everything that had to be done around the house from room to room and even outside. Then we divied the chores. I had the understanding that since I am at home, I did slightly more, but he must do teh considerate things like taking his dishes to the sink, unloading the dishwasher for me, taking out the trash and so forth. I explained to him (and you probably have too) that he works from 8-6 every day and when he is finished at 6, the rest of the evening is his. But my job is not like that, I dont' get the rest of the evening to be mine, I have to clean up what didn't get finished during the day. And if we both worked together, it would be done faster, I would be happier, and we would have more time together. So we divied our chores, and then chose what days to do them on. There were some chores that only needed done once a week or every other day. I have my list on the fridge, his list is on his computer. We also compromise on baths. After one child is done with her bath, the other one is finishing up and he's lotioning and getting her dressed while he's waiting for the other to be done.
Also...the kids are old enough to have some chores. We got the clorox toilet wand and my kids (3, and 4) love cleaning the toilets. You can also get the clorox wipes and have them wipe down the table after meals or wipe down the bathroom sinks. We also have a little vacuum, i'ts about 30 dollars at walmart, it's yellow. It's the perfect size for the kids, and they help vacuum all the time. They love it. It's very lightweight, they only need help with plugging it in. But when he asks you what you do all day, have a list ready. And tell him, he lives in this house, he needs to help take care of it, you're not his mommy. And also..I promise, last point...maybe he's jealous that you get to stay home and he has to work. Some men have resentment, feeling that they're the only ones busting their backs making ends meet and they think you're at home watching tv all day. Let him know, you're still working (harder than he is), you're just not getting paid for it, that doesn't mean it's not a real job.

Hi C.-
The same thing happened with me and my husband and it took me a while to see his point of view, but I did. I noticed that when he would come home and the house was already finished and he didn't need to do anything things went a lot smoother. My husband works up to 12 hour days in a factory and would come home hot, tired, and hungry. It truly WAS my job to stay home. Don't get me wrong, a stay at home mom has the toughest job in the world and I don't think there are too many men that understand that, but to tell you the truth, I got a job that works me in the evenings. I'm home by 10 or 11, but it makes it to where we end up tag teaming on the chores and it's quite nice. That way I don't have to pay for child care for my kids and my son's preschool is only 3 days a week of which I pay $110 a month for. But when I go to work, he finishes what is left of the house and cooks dinner, bathes the kids, and puts them to bed. Trust me, I did not want to go back to work, but in all actuality it was the best thing I ever did for us. I hope this helps you out in some way. Feel free to message me back if you like.
T.

Once again, I think it needs to be said, I agree with Carla. I have been a SAHM for nearly 13 yrs. It was difficult at first. I still expected him to help out around the house. It takes sometime but, you get used to a routine and figure out what works for you personally during the day. Currently my husband works evenings so my situation is a little different than yours, but he used to work days. I would always try and get daily chores and errands done during the day. Then the last 15 - 30 min. before he would get home I would do a quick run through of the house to tidy up real quick and make sure the kids were settled.
As far as "getting paid", I guess I don't really understand that concept. My husband handles the monthly bills and the checkbook. I do the shopping with a set "budget" in mind. If there is something extra I want or want to do we discuss it ahead of time. We are both in the mind set that we both earn his paycheck because w/o me staying at home with the kids and taking care of the house and not having to work around my work schedule he has been able to advance in the company he works for. It is definitly a "team effort".
What I suggest to you is find a SAHM group. It is always easier, I have found, to TALK with others who are dealing with your same issues.

You are with the kids all day. He could give them baths or help clean up after dinner. The kids are your full time job during the day, but he should help when he gets home. I agree that you should both sit down together and go over the budget to see how much is reasonable for you to get.

I have been surprised by how many sahm's don't pay the bills. I write all the checks and do all the budgeting. If my husband wants anything he checks with me to see if we can afford it at the time. If we can't, I let him know when we can. I also let him know if I am thinking of buying something for myself. Of course, we don't buy much that isn't family related.

When it comes to cleaning, well my husband is pretty helpful. I do all the real cleaning. I try to get it done while my husband is at work, but sometimes I have him bring the kids out to play or something so I can really get to work. (I have a 2 year old that still wants me to pick him up if I am going from room to room.) My husband does the dishes about half the time. (We don't have a dishwasher) and he changes diapers a lot when he is home. In the evenings I let him know the things that need to be done and we trade off. I might give the boys a bath while he washes the dinners dishes. Then we fold a load of laundry together.

I was raised in a house where if one person was cleaning, everyone was. We were not allowed to sit on the couch while my mom cleaned. This is how I run my house. In fact, that is my best piece of advise. You run the house now and your husband needs to respect that. It seems like you both could use a good talk and let each other know what you need. I hope things get worked out.

Sounds like your husband needs to take you out for a nice dinner (and he can pay for it...and the babysitter, too), and you need to bring up your problems. I really don't have a WHOLE lof of experience with your problems. My husband realized from the very first child that for me to stay home was the best thing for our kids....but it did take some coaxing to get him to help with dinner. Thankfully my husband LOVES to cook, so it's his turn to cook at least once a week, dinner out or take out once a week. I can handle the other five on my own. :)

I never sent my kids to preschool, any kind of preschool my kids had came from at home. So there is $300 you could get rid of if money is really an issue (which it would be, even if you WEREN'T paying for preschool, I don't see how a family of 4 can do a grocery budget on $300, much less gas, etc.) And why does your husband give you any kind of salary, do you not have a joint account? I'm seeing a problem here....Another thing you may try is get a video camera (get a friend to come in and help you) of you busting your butt every day cleaning, taking care of kids, cooking, etc. And start telling him to bring home dinner once or twice a week.

Your "job" is just as important as his "job", yet when are YOUR hours over and you get to put your feet up. If sitting down with him and having a reasonable conversation doesn't help, get some counseling. If you can afford to stay home, then there is no reason he should punish you for wanting to give your children the very BEST care possible, and why he should feel he can kick back and relax while you keep slaving away. (You aren't the first person I've heard with this complaint. I just don't "get it"!)

Good luck, I hope you get lots of good advice today. (ok, I got to read some of the other comments, now).

Gotta agree with Becca, too, I won't pick up after my husband, he's not one of my kids. For a while he would leave all his dirty clothes on his side of the bed, I quit picking them up and he finally ran out of socks & underwear and complained.....I told him "There's the laundry basket. I'm not your mom, if you want your clothes washed, they go in there...otherwise, you can do your own laundry." Never have had a problem with it since then. :)

I kinda figure if they want to act like a child, you should treat them like one....like maybe a preteen. LOL! My kids are almost 13, 11 and 10, believe me, they ALL know how to do chores, and are even pretty good little cooks! And if their laundry isn't in the hamper....they can do it themselves. It works!

Ever wonder how his mom raised him? Was she a SAHM or a working mom? Did he see her doing it "all" and expect the same from you?

S.

Hi Chrissie,
I'm sorry to say but this is a never ending battle, I have been a SAHM for 6 yrs and we still arque over this one. It took me having a near breakdown before my husband stepped up and took over paying the bills(that was his idea of helping). He still doesn't do any household chores only if something needs to be fixed or if we're having company over. He will occasionally cook a meal. It comes down to respect and compromise. You need to respect what he does and he needs to respect what you do and realize that there is not enough hours in a day for 1 person to do it all. I finally stopped doing his laundry and once, I stopped cooking dinner for him, just the kids I told him I put in my 8 hours just like you. He said he knows where McDonalds is. I still don't do his laundry unless I'm having a good day but I don't put it away. Unfortunately he lives out of the pile of clothes on the floor, I put an end to the night time activities too! if ya know what I mean. I have 3 kids 6-4-2 I have plenty to do between getting one off to school the other goes to part-time preschool and I have the baby. Between errands, taking my preschooler to school and picking him up, trying to play with the kids and keeping up with the chores it's a load, you can't be in more than one place at a time, ya know. As far as the finances go, I don't get a "SALARY" his paycheck is automatically deposited into the checking account. The bills get paid first and what ever is left goes to everything else. If I need something or want something I just go buy it! Just do what you can do and you have to let some things go after all there's always tomorrow! Otherwise you will end up sick, stressed and depressed. Is that the kind of wife he wants? Talk to him, share your feelings otherwise he will not know. Maybe go out to dinner and discuss it then, away from the house and kids. Communication is the key. I probably wasn't much help I'm probably as bitter as you are but it helps to get it off your chest. Let his things slide, if he leaves things lying around or makes a mess don't clean it up let it sit.. after all he is a grown man. Maybe he'll get the point. Maybe not, I don't know your husband or his personality!!!! It works for awhile with mine but then he slides back again then he needs a little reminder, somethings got to give and it's usually "OUR TIME" that usually puts a spark back in him if he's not being satisfied! I've considered going back to work so that we would be on a level playing field and most of our finances would go to DayCare and then who would do the Household Chores??? He was the one who wanted me to SAH because he said why have kids if you're going to let somebody else raise them. I had a great job before my first child came and at the time made more then him and he is a Union Pipefitter. I have sacrificed alot, friends, social interaction with adults and just plain using my brain!!!! It can take a toll on you, be careful and just COMMUNICATE! Good Luck, Let me know how it turns out---J.

Hey C.,
I guess after reading all the advice I feel like a lucky wife. My husband fully supports me staying home...even though it would be nice to have the second paycheck. I stay home with our almost 2 year old daughter all day and I love it. As you all know it is not an easy job to do. But when my husband gets home he knows that there are things that still have to be done. While he is at work I do the usual take care of Emma, clean, do laundry, pay bills, etc. Once my husband gets home I cook dinner and here is where things are different. If I cook he cleans up from dinner, if he cooks I clean up from dinner. We take turns giving our daughter a bath. We rotate every other bath. We put her to bed together, that was the way we wanted it. After she is in bed both of us pick up the toys in the living room floor and enjoy the rest of our evening together...as a couple. When grocery shopping is done...we do it together, sometimes he does do the laundry on the weekends. Even though he works we still do things as a team. I don't get a "paycheck". His money is my money. I don't think there is a set amount a SAHM should be paid. If I want something...which isn't often...then I go buy it or he gets it for me. His paycheck goes to bills, groceries, diapers, clothes, cleaning supplies...you get the point. When all the bills are paid and we don't have anything left to pay...then what is left is OUR money. Since we love to spend time together we usually use it as "date night" money. Once a month we go out by ourselves and have a "date". We go to dinner and watch a movie...as B. & Steve...not as Emma's parents. Parenting takes teamwork and if he isn't willing to help out then shame on him. I think if he is willing to help then it can work. It is working just fine for my husband and I...but my husband helps me out. Good luck and I hope he steps up to the plate and helps out.

First of all, I would like to commend you on your choice to be a stay at home mom. Studies have shown being a stay at home mom is equivalent to having 2.5 full time jobs. Just a little FYI for you. Also, why does your husband put you on an 'allowance'? In my opinion, you should be equal partners in your relationship and in your family life. I don't believe he should act like he gets a free pass in family and household responsibilities based solely on his monetary contribution. I think you both need to sit down and talk it out.

Hi C.,

I love Carla's way of doing things, except that not all husbands are like hers....you are lucky girl!
My husband is like yours except than when I was working outside the house he didn't help either.
So now, I stop working outside and work form home, part time and when I want, at the beginnig he complained and said that I was looking for excuses for not doing everything around the house, but when MY checks (all mine!) start comming...he staretd to see that I was working too, and may be building our retirement from home while he is working 9 hours a day.
Now I have th eprefect excuse! I am earining some money so I don't have time to do all the yucky stuff around the house, my house is not always neat and tidy and he won't help, but at least I don't hear as many complaints as I used to. Soon I will be having help with the cleanning and everything will be perfect! (I hope!:)
May be you can try to find something part time, in or out the house that force him to help, or at least relieve you of doing everything, it is more fun to do something else, no matter what if it is something that you enjoy more than cleanning all day long.
Hope it helps, it is good to know that we are most in the smae boat! LOL

Mariana Abadie
www.MyKidsFirst.com