You rock, SJ! Seriously, Hazel is right in what she said. You are a very brave and strong woman for taking these steps. It's very hard when a parent F's up so bad and we as their children have to bear the pain of it. Therapy does feel worse before it feels better, but when you commit to doing the work on and FOR yourself, you will see results and they will pleasantly surprise you. It's not a comfortable experience, but it is SO worthwhile. It takes time, so don't expect miraculous changes, but you'll feel yourself progressing inch by inch into healthy thinking, feeling and being.
You are not alone. My relationship with my bio-mother (egg-doner LOL) has deteriorated steadily over the last 20 years. I fought it, actually, because she didn't really actively "do" anything - but years of selfish, damaging behavior took its toll and gradually the attachment died. She also wanted to "talk to my therapist" - my therapist was not impressed.
Let your therapist know of your fear of his interference - it may be a "wish" on your part that he would care enough to try, but better to protect yourself anyway - legally, I don't think he can. If you can get yourself there and pay for it, it's none of is freaking business and it's out of his control - and in yours where it belongs. "Crazy" people don't get therapy voluntarily - people who want to improve their lives and know they have challenges do - he has no leg to stand on.
Your father is a narcissistic a$$ - know that it is NOT you - he is not capable of giving you what you need or being what you need in a parent. It is NOT that he feels these feelings towards you. He does not feel these feelings for ANYONE. Remember that - it really has nothing to do with who you are. People like this manipulate, and are only concerned with how they feel. I know this because my mother is one of them. Example - I was in Manhattan, NYC on Sept. 11 - almost every person I knew, friends and family, called me with 12 hours to see how I was - except 1. My mother found out I was ok through my grandmother, and didn't call me till almost 3 days later - because she "knew I was OK". It was about HER being ok - but she didn't get outside her own head to mine. She wasn't and isn't capable. That was the beginning of the end for me.
I saw I could not change her, she would never take responsibility for the pain she caused and continues to cause, and that I could only find peace by redefining the relationship and looking elsewhere to fill that emotional need (my big sis and MIL). She is now my mother in title only. I don't call her about anything important in my life - nothing. I give that to people who care. That is the key to healing - healthy relationships with others who care. It may feel awkward at first, but it will be a wonderful and peaceful thing when you get to it.
I wish you all the best!
