The Thing

You call it 'The Thing'.

I call it 'The Power Of My Own Convictions'.

But the end result is the same.

:)

My "secret," if you will, is realizing that very few people will make my Thing their Thing. Everyone has their own lives to lead. If they have the time, energy, and desire to focus any attention on my hang-ups, they're not people whose opinions I would value anyway.

Here's the irony: The source of my rather stellar good self esteem is my quasi-abusive husband.

I've spent YEARS standing up for myself. Sometimes daily. Sometimes at the top of my lungs. Sometimes with just a raised eyebrow and shaken head.

The one really good thing that has come out of this really bad marriage is in two parts:

1) I DO stand up for myself, and don't equivocate about it. I have my flaws and my character defects, but I am one rockin human being who may do things differently than other people, but they are my way to do things and I have that right, and furthermore I am within my rights to *enjoy* the way that I do things.

2) I'm pretty durn cool. It doesn't matter if anyone else agrees with me. *I* LIKE myself. In fact, I rather revel in myself. I get this one shot here on earth, and I'm going to enjoy it. No matter how sad, or despairing I get. No matter how alone I feel. No matter if someone is actively telling me how awful I am. I will always pull up out of it. I can stand on my own. I can like myself. I can cry, and hurt, and rail. But at the end of the day; I'm rather proud of myself and my accomplishments, regardless of what others think of me.

This is ALL due to my husband, and having to stand up for myself hundreds of times. Each and every single time he degrades, debases, insults, and ignores me... Nope. It doesn't fly. And I'm not going to stop.

I used to stand up for anyone BUT me. I used to see myself through the eyes of others. I used to care what other people thought of me. I was beautiful if someone found me beautiful. I was happy if I made others happy. I felt alive when people were energized, or laughing, or 'taken' with me. I no longer do. Other people are nice, and all. It DOES feel good when other people I like, like me right back. (Heck, that month in Children's, I'd forgotten people used to find me funny... but I had everyone 'going' all the time whenever I was around nurses, other parents, other kids. It was kind of shocking. Oh yeah. Some people think I'm hilarious.) But I don't NEED other people. It doesn't matter what they think. Because I'm really great with MYSELF.

That's the gift my abusive husband has given me. Really rockin self esteem. Standing up for myself thousands of times over the past 5 to 6 years (we've been together 10, it's just been the last half).

my thing is my weight. i'm heavy. i look back at pictures of myself and think, back then, i looked good, why did i think i was fat? Now, I actually am heavy, but a couple years ago, I lost a whole bunch of weight and hated it! I only got down to 159, so, not an unhealthy weight at all. My family said I looked sick and I had a giant head. I lost all my curves. I used to rock my big ole hips and my big ole 42DDs with pride. To top it off, it ruined my self esteem. At a size 12, I got a lot of attention from guys that didn't talk to me at size 16. It made me actually doubt myself even more. Anytime a man was nice to me I would think - you're only talking to me because I lost weight, so, if I gain it back, you'll be gone. So, my thing is my weight. I've learned to accept the fact that while I need to strive to be healthy, I don't actaull want to be thin. I like my body and so does my husband. I know if I lost weight, he'd probably complain!

My self esteem comes from a very similiar thought process as yours - no one is perfect. No one is "better" than me and I in turn am not a "better person" than anyone else. Everyone has their strengths (beauty, brains, athletic, personable, artistic etc) and everyone has weaknesses. Even those who seem to have everything perfect - DON'T.

I am still working on my self esteem, but I have become so much more confident over the years. As a kid, I would hide myself, I would literally hide behind my curtain of hair at my desk, and I was basically shunned by the kids in the neighborhood and at school because I guess I was a bit geeky. My mom still hangs onto all that, and will still get riled up over how mean the kids were and how it damaged my self esteem for years.... well, I guess it did, but I have pushed through it. Here are some of the things that help me:
1- Like you posted previously, remembering that nobody sees me as harshly as I do
2- Understanding there is a direct correlation between how I take care of myself and how I feel about myself. For instance, the days I exercise and eat healthy food, I feel beautiful and confident. I bet I really do not look thinner those days, but I feel it. Therefore, I do my best to take care of myself because not only does it benefit my health in the long run, but it gives me an immediate confidence boost.
3- I have been friends with some extremely narcissistic and vain people, people who spend hours upon hours putting on their makeup and hair, people who are afraid to leave the house because they are worried that people will notice that they have aged or have gained weight or don't look perfect, people who refuse to be in photographs because they are so self-conscious of how they look, people who miss out on a lot of fun because they "don't look good wet" or whatever. I DO NOT want to ever ever EVER be one of these people. They are not fun, they are not interesting, and when people obsess over appearances like that, then I think "Geez, are they evaluating me on my appearance too?" This is probably the biggest thing that helps me avoid being so self-analytical and just get out there and be the best I can be, as cheesy as that sounds.

So... what's your secret? ;)

I think my thing is, I've accepted my flaws, made them my own, changed what I can, accepted what I can not. It's that simple.

Like I went to school with this girl who had a gap between her 2 front teeth. She hated it! I thought it was the cutest, most unqiue thing EVER! Not saying I wanted that (because I love myself), she just needed to rock it instead of being embarrassed about it. Tooth gap = super cute.

Like I'm superrr white. I glow in the dark. I'm see through. But you know what? It sets me apart. All the other girls my age tan religiously... I think they look like oompa loompas, and when they get older, they're going to look like leather! So I rock my whiteness. I'm proud of it. I laugh at people who make fun of it.

Is this kind of what you're talking about? That's what I took from it, but maybe I'm not understanding fully... OH OKAY! Rock on :)

I think I have pretty healthy self esteem. Sure there are "things" about me that I'm not crazy about...but it's what makes me "me"!

I guess I think about it logically that what is fretting and obsessing going to change, really?

Well, I am very proud of my self esteem and my "thing" is that I never feel awkward, or shy or have any feeling of discomfort with anybody at all. I mean, never, ever. I can be in front of President Obama (I wish) and still carry on a regular, relaxed conversation, with the appropriate demeanor and style.I can find myself in any kind of situation and still feel comfortable (or turn it into a comfortable situation if it's not). My secret for this absolute confidence? My parents. They never put me down or pushed me way high, they let me express myself while providing (emotional) side bumpers on every road i would choose to take. They instilled in me self-respect early on and i was surprised to find I had tons of it just when I needed to. Because of the way they did it, it came to me like a bonus, like something I never had to reach for, it's like it's always been there, available to me, IN me. When I was very young, knowing that I had a family backing me up no matter what , gave me that first, timid confidence you need to step out into the world when you know nothing about it. My parents gave me the ability to judge myself with fairness so that I would know wether or not it was ok to push towards something or, on the contrary, to pull away. They helped me learn how to make the right decision AND stay true to myself, without giving up to other people (or society's) pressure. My secret to self esteem lies DEFINITELY in the way my parents raised me. I will be grateful to them forever.

You know, I'm 34 years old just recently have begun to make this change myself. I have never been one with great self-esteem for a variety of reasons & it's been a huge struggle for me to make the changes needed to genuinely like (let alone love) myself physically & emotionally, but I'm getting there. I've been seeing the changes in myself & I know others have got to be seeing it as well because I can easily tell the difference in how I'm being treated by others.

I am still working on mine......I was the girl with large coke-bottle glasses (you know that make your eyes magnified) until I was in 8th grade. Although I am a completely different person now I fall into that shy goofy looking girl with no friends now and then!

I decided a long time ago that I have a family who loves me and that is all I need. Otherwise, some people like me, some people don't, and I am ok with that!

I think the secret is my surroundings! My husband, kids, parents, brothers, family, and God all love me unconditionally! I can look in the mirror, or inside myself, and find many flaws, but the people around me in my everyday life make me forget about them. I was raised with totally supportive parents who taught me to be the best ME I can be. That's all they asked. They praised me even when I wasn't the "best!" I have grown up loving myself and accepting that I will never be perfect. I am trying to raise my boys in the same way. It's okay to be you, flaws and all!

Shaking hands with my internal boogie man. Opening up the "closet" door really wide and saying, "okay, let's take a look at you. I'm not going to run any longer. Let's figure out if you need a bedtime story, or a cup of milk, or a hug. 'Cause you're crowding the closet, and I'm tired of being afraid."

Being willing to feel valuable. Accepting that being valuable means I have to be willing to set boundaries, and make responsible decisions for myself. Which means being willing to let go of things that hurt me/are hurtful.

Gaining ownership of my emotional/physical/spiritual well being.

Being honest. Honest with myself. Even if I don't like what I'm looking like, 'cause seeing it means I can move through it. Avoiding it means that another buddy is going to end up in that damn closet.

Feeling whole. Action that helps me feel whole.
Connection with people who "feed" me. Connecting. Hearing with my whole self, and trying to actually understand (myself, or in conversation). Dropping my damn agendas.

Asking for help, when I need it.

Getting real about my feelings. I get to feel afraid. I mean, really, deeply afraid. (Hello feeling, what do you have to show me?) And then, I can put one foot in front of the other and still do the things that are my "calling".

I just started liking myself pretty recently. Two words I've been using for this are compassion and accountability. It feels like coming home after being locked out for years. And it's awesome.

I just know who I am and that's it.
I am myself.
I am self-assured.
I don't really get insecure about body parts or what others are doing or not.
I don't get caught up in keeping up with the Jones'.
I just always try to be myself.
My parents also raised us that way.
To be individuals.
Be who you are.
Not what others are or think you should be.
Then, have wisdom about it.

Even 'imperfect' people, can be VERY self-assured and confident with healthy self-esteems.

These things are not, based on appearance nor on brain IQ or credentials.

I am always struggling with my weight. I am putting it out there, I am not overweight. I have healthy BMI, I don't have an eating disorder, I just want to lose 10lbs. I have been trying/not trying for 3 years!!! No one else notices it, but it drives me crazy...

But, in the end I don't try that hard I think because with everything else going on its not that big a deal. My husband love me and after almost 15 years together, he still acts like a sex crazed 17 year old around me...So I know he doesn't care as long as I am happy (and wild at night, wink wink).

I read something in a book that said, "he isn't thinking about your flabby thighs when he is "going at it" (keeping it pg here), so why should you. They are sooooo right!!!! :)