The Talk!!! - Spokane,WA

I have an 11 year old daughter. When she was 10 I also bought her the book called The Care and Keeping of you, at target. It deals with everything from breast develpoment to babies. She looks at it all the time and is not embarrased to be seen reading it. We had several tals after she read it about things she wanted to know more about. She told me just the other day, that is one of her 4 favorite books. Right up there with Harry Potter!!

I have found honesty to be the best policy. There is a wonderful book called Where Did I Come From? or the like that was published back in the "Free to be You and Me" era. I have always skipped a few pages in the middle there about actual mommy and daddy in the bed, though it is not graphic in the least.

It was my son's favorite book for a long time, and he still pulls it out on occasion to read to himself (he's 9 now). He loves that it was an act of love between his mommy and daddy that created him.

Hope this helps.

D.-

So far, all the responses have been right on the money. The truth, accompanied by an age-appropriate book would be the best. Considering that most educators and doctors are reccomending that you should begin "those talks" around age 8. It may be a good idea to begin with asking her what she "knows" about it, or what she thinks/believes goes on in baby-making.

Best of luck to you!
-B.-

Hey - I did not look at the replies you got - and I am sure that you got many, but there is an AWESOME book that talks about that kind of stuff. It is an American Girl book: The Caring and Keeping of You. I have posted a link to the book on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/d...

This book is one of the BEST books I have seen for little girls. It talks about taking care of their bodies - their hair, wearing deodorant, talks about periods (even talks about wearing pads and tampons), sex, all kinds of stuff. It is VERY age appropriate and has age appropriate illustrations and is written "at their level". I have a 13 year old girl and I got her this book when she was 9. It even goes so far as talking about how poeple are different and not to compare yourself to others. It is just an overall AWESOME book that I would get any 9 year old or older for their birthday - or whatever. My friend referred me to that book and I will refer every other mother than I know of with a little girl. Good luck with it all! :-)

I am a mother of a man and a woman, also a grandma ("Grandma Silly") of 5 grandchildren, boys and girls, ages 2 yrs to 9 yrs. Starting with my own children, and next the grandchildren, I have given each of them the greatest book called, "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle. I purchased the last two from amazon.com for no more than $12. The pictures are so cute and the book is very well written to read to your children. You probably can go to amazon.com and read some exerpts from it. My children looked at our hardback book so much that it is falling apart. B. or Grandma Silly

I am a CPS Parenting Instructor and a proud mother and my advise to you is always be honest, even though it's uncomfortable, as parents it's our responsibility to tell the truth ( as we see it)
There is a VHS video that you may be able to rent from a library, it's called "What kids want to know about sex and sexuality", it's really powerful and it has great information. I watched it with my daughter when she was 9 and it really helped our relationship.
Hope this helps
SB

Okay to answer your question - Be honest. Like said before, you do not have to give her all graphic details, but be honest. I think we owe honesty to our kids.

With that being said, I would like to ask - PLEASE do not blame Jaime Lynn Spears for your daughters curiousity. It might be allowing her to come out and ask, but it is already a discussion with her friends at school. I have a 9yo son and he surprises me with what he knows all the time.

I was a teen mom. I was pregnant at 15 and had my son at 16 and I know I have been a great mom! And my kids prove it being well rounded, well adjusted, polite, and beyond just smart. JLS might be a good mom, and I really hope so. It would be unfortunate if she proved the stereotype right!

Hi D.,

How amazing to be able to have that chance to communicate with your child. It's funny because I started my period at age 9 and I recall learning in school about sex. I don't remember ever asking my parents. Now, the world has changed a bit and it is much more necessary to have "the talk." It was probably necessary then, but it just did not happen that I can remember. LOL

Anyway, I do agree with the "be honest" approach. However, please do not just talk about closeness or oneness without the facts. We have a friend who did not learn the facts and the parents said not to lay down in a field with someone. It sounds unreal, but it happened. This person became a mom at like 10 years old. I can only imagine how scary that would be. So, since your child is asking, tell her the truth. :)

I personally don't think sex is very graphic. So, it is funny that people caution not to be graphic. To me, it is a fairly simple process that God gave us to continue creation. But, if you are concerned about the details, use the internet or a library to prepare you so that you can teach and guide her. Do understand that children comprehend much more than we realize or credit them for. I think asking what she knows already is a great place to start. Trust your instincts, she loves you and trust you and you will do a great job giving her the information she needs.

I am looking forward to teaching my child the things I didn't know early on. So, I think it is really terrific that you are able to have the opportunity to do the same. :)

Blessings,

K.S.

Check with the OB department of your local hospital. The hospital here offers a class for moms and daughters called, Becoming A Woman. It was free and just for a couple hours on a Saturday morning. It was very informative and wasn't done in an embarrasing way. My daughter is 16 now, but she started developing very early.

D.;
When I was young sex was not discussed and many girls had no instruction at all even about getting their periods. I am so glad that there is more openess in today's world with regards to "the talk".
Our children come home with more information at a younger age today, and it is very important to keep lines of communication open with them. Jamie Lynn is not the role model I would recommend for a young girl but the up side of her pregnancy is that it can be used by parents to highlight the difficulties of engaging in sex before you are emotionally mature enough to be in a committed relationship, let alone to raise a child. No method of birth control is entirely effective.
I have known several ladies who were teen moms and they are extremely good mothers, but being a mom before you have a chance to grow up is not easy. It takes a level of maturity that most of us fail to reach until we are well into our 20s.
Good luck with your daughter and your son and I hope you can raise them without too many dramas.

D.,
These days, 9 years old is not too young to start talking to your child about sex. In fact, these days, girls are even starting their periods as early as 8 or 9.

I guess I always believed that I would prefer talking to my kids myself, and knowing they have the right information, rather than letting their friends fill them full of whatever they know.

Even a show on Animal planet might help to get the ball rolling. I know being around farm animals have given a good idea to my kids. When my kids asked "What is the rooster doing" I just told them "trying a make baby chicks." They didn't really want to know more than that. My younger kids (7 and 9) haven't asked anything more than that so far.

I might just ask her how she thinks babies are conceived. She may already have a pretty good idea- then you can talk more about the importance of a committed relationship and waiting until she is mature enough to handle it. My 15 yo DD and I talk about sex all the time. She does ask me "What's it like" "Why is it a big deal" "Does it hurt" and I try to give her honest answers to those questions from my perspective. I much prefer her talking to me than getting only teenaged beliefs and information from her friends. All of those little talks over the last few years have really helped- and it doesn't fell awkward anymore- to either of us. I think we started around age 10 when I talked with her about her period.

I still go by the adage that when a kid asks a question- I answer it as simply as possible- and without elaborating a whole lot. This has really helped me in my talks with DD about sex.

Good luck.
M.

I have a ten year old. I have not run into this yet. What you say to her is the truth. I would suggest you and her plan or have a mommy and daughter day. I would say the first thing that should be explained is that this is something that should take place in marriage. That it is special and not to be done until then. Explain to her through your life experiences that life brings into play situations that cause different circumstances. This is something that requires maturity and is something to be shared later in life. I hope this will help you. Be Blessed!

I think 9 is old enough for the basic basics. Just be really clear but short. They really don't want all the gory details. :-)

I would say something like:
"Have you seen couples in the movies kissing and making out? Ok. Sometimes it goes further, and people have sex, which involves their naked private parts touching. Sometimes this can lead to a baby growing in a girl or woman's body. It's great if you want to be a Mama and are ready to be a good one, but not so great if you are too young. Babies are cute, but they are hard work".

I'd leave it at that. If she wants any more detail, she'll ask.

L.

Tell her the truth!
One of the best things my Mom did for me was to have "the talk" early, I think I was in third grade, that way when other girls at school came up with strange ideas I was able to say thats not true. I felt informed and not in the dark about it all. Make sure to include that it is supposed to be only in the confines of marriage, that helped me feel safe somehow.
Hope this helps!
Katie M

I believe, as a health educator, and as a mother, that it's important to be as truthful as you can be with your children, using a language that they are able to understand. At 9 your daughter should be able to understand quite a bit about the medical biology of how babies are made. There are many good books out there to aid you. You may want to ask your pediatrician for a referal for a book he or she reccomends. What's most important here is that you have the opportunity to open lines of communication with your daughter. You have the opportunity to show her she can trust you to give her the correct information so that the next time she has questions she will come to you. Let her questions guide you. Just answer each one simply and honestly and then wait to see if there are more. In my experience she will stop asking questions sooner than you think and quickly want to move back to little girl topics of interest. I found a great book for my daughter and after we talked about things I left it with her to look through at her leisure. When she has more questions she asks them. Don't panic mom. You can do this!

I think all the advice about answering what she asked and to be matter of fact is the best.
I have learned that to say less is more. In my family, we have two daughters, when they brgan their period, we went out to dinner at that child's favorite place. Dad bought a bouquet of pink roses for her. We embrace womanhood!
Yes, both daughters had their own moment of becoming a "woman". They are now in their twenties and in college and we still talk all the time. I certainly hope you all will contiune being the woman your daughters run to when they need someone to talk with. Have a Sunny day!

:)A.

The American Girl series makes a book "The Period Book" that my daughters (12 next week and 9) both read an we found very helpful. A friend had suggested it to me and it is surprisingly well done at a child's level but very accurate.

Tell her the truth. Answer the questions that she asks with straightforward answers and leave it at that. Let her know that if she has any questions that she can come to you to ask. Kids that can talk to their parents openly about sex are less likely to do something stupid.
Discuss some of the changes that a 16 year old would have to deal with if they got pregnant, or discuss choices that they would be forced to make if they made choices like that.
Good luck!
P.S. I am a former middle school health teacher and have read articles that show evidence that talking to your kids about sex is important to kids. You would be surprised at all of the stuff a 9 year old can be exposed to already from peers, and so much of it is misinformation.

The direct approach has always worked for me. Not a graphic description. There are several different books available that you can read together. These books are written for your daughter's age level. The ones I've used are illustrated with funny cartoon figures. You can find them at the library in the parenting section.

It sure is easier when kids bring this subject up one part at a time as they grow. I am sad that teens are having babies and that information is put into the mainstream media as if it's just an act and doesn't involve love and responsibility. The book I used many years ago started with describing a relationship.

Now is the perfect time and age to tell her.. and I am shocked that if you haven't already told her something that her friends haven't! There are many books out there that can help you through this process.

and let her guide you as to just how much you can share with her.. let her ask questions, and answer them as plainly and practically using proper words for things as you can.

one friend of mine had a son that asked him "where did I come from" - and he was about that age.. so she spilled everything out to him... then he said "Oh.. my friend he says he came from "x" hospital" - all the boy wanted to know was which of the two hospitals in our town he was born at. So she learned a good lesson.. and told me.. find out specifically what they want to know. Ask your daughter questions and let her ask you. You might even start with "how do you think it happens" and try not to giggle if she gives a funny/silly answer. And go slow... because she might not be ready for ALL of it... my son was grossed out (most kids are and that is the way we want it right now, right???)

oh.. and there are books that can help a five year old too.. obviously on their level. and you may even want to start there with your daughter.. and work your way up to her age. Every kid is different on what age level their brain can actually handle!

good luck

I believe it is extremely important to respond to your daughters question. However,the response needs to be honest using vocabulary she can understand.We are living in a time that sex education needs to start at home using all the facts. Sex should always be related to marriage as it was intended to be. Explain that God made both male and female to join together in a Holy union to bring forth children. Men were given a special seed to produce children in an intimate setting with their wives. now in all reality we know that people do not hold to these norms. Young people today are actively involved in all types of sexual acts. there is alot of inappropriate touching and kissing that lead to sexual activity. Many risk are involved including hiv/aids.Explain that your other daughter has made a mistake, but that their isn't anyone who is perfect. Continue to educate your child as she grows older. Remind her that her job is to continue her education in order to have a better future. Remember participating in sex comes with many respomsibilities and risk factors. These are things that young people are simply not not ready to handle.Even though condom use is on the rise, the only safe sex is no sex at all.Most young people who make mistakes have the ability to become peer educators. They learn by experience how difficult it is to be a teen parent and continue their education. They also acknowledge first hand the fact that they no longer have time for a social life. These teens have gained experience through their life situation to teach others.Your daughter who is sixteen can be a very important tool for her younger sister.

Stay encouraged
Advice/Public

Melanie,
For boys, I used the book, "What's going on down there?" I do not recall the author, sorry.

i didn't read all of your responses, i did see your update...
but i did want to write what has been working for our family.
I am a Birth Doula so these types of conversations, and questions come up alot:) I have been very open with my daughter (5yrs), telling her how our bodies work... but i haven't told her EXACTLY how the "seed" gets into the mommy :)
i'm not ecaxtly sure how i will introduce that yet, but i think that it will be when ever she gets old enough to ask (hopefully 9-10yrs!)
she has watched youtube videos of births (home births as they are usually more low key, and not a lot of drama...) I think a lot of women have FEAR or childbirth and talking about it as we would any other bodily function (she has asked about passing gas, pee, and poo also and i explain where those functions originate) has worked, and will hopefully avoid any akwardness in the tween years!

M. L

The truth!!! I was always very honest with my sons. They are grown now. They always have been comfortable talking to me about sex. Sometimes they tell me more than I want to hear. If you don't tell her the truth, the internet or some friend of hers older sibling will. Trust me, it is much harder on the parent. The child isn't really phased by the truth.Come on, it is only sex. It is a natural part of our being. Don't make more out of it than it is.

Hhow i, D., I would just tell the truth, and explain that how wonderful being a mother is, and how much you enjoy being a mother and the plans that you maded to have your family with a mother and father who love them, and go from there. Every children needs that special circle to raise a child and just because the Jamie Spears has chosen to have a child, with out being married it may be the way some people live but this is the better way, and you will be surprized how this will affect your daughter, if you tell her the truth, then she will come to depend on that truth to be there good or bad. Good luck, P. B

Definitely be open and honest. Your daughter was open and honest when she asked you the question. Telling her the truth about the issue will show her that her body isn't anything to be ashamed of, but a beautiful vessel that has the potential to create life. Providing her with the right information will also help better prepare for the future, so that she can protect herself when you can't, and maybe she help out any friends with parents that won't address the issue. Good Luck!!

I'm so glad that this conversation is happening. I love the ideas of the several suggested books. Does anyone know of similar type books for boys?

My daughter is about to turn 21, and I can tell you that not only do the questions get tougher but the answers get more important too! I think the most important thing is to always be honest because when she gets older she will need to know that she can trust you for real, honest answers. Also it's important to be cool, calm and collected and let her know that it's OK to ask and even tell her (once she's a teenager) that you will answer anything or find her someone to answer anything she needs/wants to know. Once she's 18 doctors are going to talk to her like an adult and close you out of even routine checkups, so she needs to be prepared to be responsible for her own healthcare decisions (like vaccines for cervical cancer for example), or ready and used to asking you for advice. Stay close so you are her most trusted confidant! That's the most important thing. It's a much wilder world out there than when we were young. M. S.

Hello,
I say have the talk with her she is ready if she is having questions. My parents did not really have the talk with me I learned everything in a church youth group when I was 10 and the rest in elementary school in about 5th grade when they seperated boys and girls and had those videos from the 70's. So the sooner you start the more educated she will be

Be honest and answer her questions directly. Don't hymm and hah...and you don't have to go on and on with your information. Give clear answers to her questions. It is best that you talk to her and answer her questions yourself, because if you don't, she will get her questions answered from someone else and they may not be the correct answers. Try to make her comfortable in your discussion, be sure and praise her for coming to you for answers and be sure the door is open for future discussion. Good Luck! Nana I.

My husband and I are extreamly honest with our kids. We have 6 & 7 year old boys and a 3mo old daughter. Ever since our boys could talk and ank questions we have made a point to answer their questions as honest and clear as possible. My oldest son is 7 going on 37 and has lots of questions. He asked us about sex and babies long before we ever thought he would. i think if they ask they are ready to know. You don't have to give them details but just explain to her that sex is something that a man and a women do when they want to have a baby because that is when they are responsible enough to take care of it. explain that Jamie Lynn is not an adult and should not have been having sex and as a result will be having a baby. If we as parents don't explain things to our kids and just say " I don't know" or not say anything at all then they will get the answers from someone else and it may be the wrong answer.Hope this helps.

you should tell her the truth tell her how how babys really get in your tummy my parents did when i was 5

First of all you need to understand you child and how much she can understand. My eight year old and I have had this talk in some way. I tell my kids that sex if for two "adults" that love enough to marry. That might be old fashion, but it is what I beleave. We watch a lot of animal plant and shows about animals and baby's. both the kids seem to understand that part real well! When they started asking more graphic questions I answered the questions simply. I beleave if they ask they are old enough to know. Hope this helps.

I have already explained to my 9 year old son in a blan medical way how these things happen. If she asking its my policy to be truthful. Most kids find at this age that the whole thing is discusting. If you keep it a secret then it turns it into something bad or wrong.You might think about getting a book. Give it to her and tell her that if she has any further questions that your open for discussion. I also think that she has probly herd of menstration and if she has not she is old enough to learn what is going to happen to her body in the future. Just so you know my 6 year old girl knows what it means to menstrate.good luck, M.

When you talk about menstruation, make sure she knows that it typically happens ever 28 days, not on the same day each month. I wish I had known that when I was a pre-teen and teenager. I would have been more prepared and had less accidents. I think we should teach pre-teen girls how to track their cycles the way women do when trying to conceive. It would help them understand their bodies so much more. "Taking Control of Your Fertility", by Toni Weschler is a great book for women. I think the information could be adapted for teens and pre-teens.

Thank you for asking this question. I felt it on my heart to share with my 9yo about this stuff but wasn't sure if it was too early. I was pondering when i first learned of it and it was in 6th grade and I learned it at school. Never once did my parents ever have "the conversation" with me. I want Sam to be comfortable with who she is and becoming and i really want her to discuss it with me. I still am not sure what exactly I will say. I have rehearsed it and tried to prepare myself, still, not sure of myself. I know I will pray for wisdom and it will come. I need to do more reading on how to best answer simply. Good luck D.!
W. from Indiana
A little about me: I am 36 yo with two girls, 9 and 5 1/2. I have been married 17 years in April to Michael.

I am not sure if any of the 24 responses you have received advised the Planned Parenthood classes? They have classes for 9-12 year olds on puberty, it is for mom & daughter only and the one I went to with my daughter had I think about 7 others moms & daughters in it (they also have them for boys). It is an all day class and they serve you lunch. The first 45 minutes everyones quiet and shy but after that everyone, especially the kids really open up. It was likely the most open communication I have seen in a very long time. My daughter loved it and has not been afraid to ask me anything (which I love). We went with my best friend & her two daughters & told our girls that if they were ever not okay with talking to their parent about anything that they can come to me or her, knowing we are all on the same page is comforting. They also have a sex education class for 13 and up.

Hi D.,

I would consider telling her the truth at a level she is able to handle. You might just say that two people get a special kind of closeness and with that kind of closeness a baby can form. Very high level and answering the questions that she asks directly is generally the best ticket. Then, when it is appropriate share with her your values on the matter.

Good luck,
T.

Any young girl near going through puberty should read the Judy Bloom book "Are you there God it's me Margaret". It helped me when it was my time. I was able to relate to Margaret.

My 7 year old asked me already too.
I used the dog as an example (he is male and fixed) and i showed her pictures of her anatomy (not the male). I also explained periods and how God feels about all this.

She then asked me if I had ever had sex... I told her that is how I made you sweetie. She said EWWWWWW!

Hi! I have 10 years old daughter and she'll learn into the sexual educator would teach students about it and be happy and don't worry it's be okay.

I had the talk with my daughter at the age of nine and that was with my oldest daughter i have two of them at the time one was nine and the other eight when the nine year old came on her period first i sat them both down at the same time i believe that you know what your kids can handle and i believe at the time they could and i feel that honesty is the BEST WAY so i told them both about babies were they came from what happen when you have a period what guys will say to get in your pants the words that they will use and when they got a little older i told them what the street will say when it comes to oral sex we as moms have to teach our girls and boys because the street will teach them my daughters are now 25 and 23 my younger daughter got married at the age of 19 been married for four years now and did i mention that nether one of them has no CHILDREN yet well the marry one is havin a baby in september and i just thank GOD for havin the realationship with them open now my son he 15 and i have done the same thing with him to and teaches him that you have to RESPECT YOURSELF and WOMEN and to not have sex until he finds a wife and i know that our kids dont wont to hear these things some time but we have to make them because there are things out there worst then you can IMAGE and we dont wont are kids to get that

From THANK GOD FOR CONCERN MOM

take the opportunity to go check out the Bodies exhibition which is now in Fort Lauderdale.....its wonderful and my 8 yr old girl and 9 yr old son...learnt a lot and so did we