The Boy Who Wont Stop Whining and Crying...

We had the same problem and we threatened putting oil (vegetable) in his mouth - as you would threaten to wash out a child's mouth with soap for talking nasty. He didn't like THAT idea and it worked! We still have to remind him what we will do if he doesn't quit "squeaking" -- isn't that what you do with things that SQUEAK... oil them??? lol

whatever works -- once I threatened it, he may n ot have believed it - I tipped the bottle to get a tiny bit on my finger and came toward him with it -- that was the end of the squeaking!

I tell my 4 year old I will not listen to him until he talks in a normal tone and stops whining. If he can't do it, then I walk away. When he's ready to communite, he does. Sometimes I help him find the words if he's frustrated, but I make him change his tone at least a bit before I help him.

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Hi! I've found that whining comes about when my son doesn't know what he wants or he's bored. It's almost a habit from when he was little and couldn't communicate well and doesn't even know he's doing it sometimes. Best thing I have found is to find little jobs for him to do along with me around the house. sticker charts work well, but my mom always used "button jars" where each of us had jars that we could fill with buttons each time we did a task. when the jar was full we got a treat. the other thing I do is ignore his whining or say that I can't hear what he's saying when he whines. it's very hard and you need lots of patience...you have to take it on a day by day basis. Hope this helps a little bit!

one thing that made a difference for us was to spend more happy time together. i notice that when i'm too busy to play with my son, the only time he gets my attention is when he needs something... and it makes him more whiney. so just reading books, playing a game, making cookies, or something that you both enjoy will help.

Have you ever analyzed his diet? My son is 6 now and always had a very difficult time with whining and severe temper tantrums (45 minutes long!) as well as night terrors from 18 months - age 4. Within the past 3 months, I started looking at his diet. He is a picky, but healthy eater. Still there were things that I was able to change and eliminate. You can google "ADHD Diet". My son is not ADHD or ADD but the diets are actually good for any child by eliminating artificial ingredients, knowing what fruits are more beneficial and reading labels. I also pack a lunch for my son. School lunches are filled with artificial ingredients, unnecessary dyes and processed foods which do affect our children's behavior and concentration levels.

I have also tried to be very calm with him, but do put him in his room when he whines/tantrums without a good reason. I did work with him on communicating better. I would tell him - 'If you angry - say Mom! I'm so angry because...' Its better to teach him how to communicate when he is not in a whining mood. Talk about it when he is in a positive mood and let him know that the next time he feels upset, try to tell you in this way rather than whining and crying. Let him know that its okay to be upset but you can't help him if you don't know why. Keep the conversation very brief and work with him when he's upset. He will learn. Reward him with positive feedback when he communicates properly.

I have seen very positive results.

J.,

I help parents with this sort of thing all the time. We brainstorm about possible causes and solutions together, with great results. I am a mother of seven, and a parent life coach -- different because the parent is always in control and can express their OWN parenting stye. If you'd like to chat, my first consultation is free and there's never any pressure to sign up. Please visit my site www.whyjustsurvive.com for contact info. :-)

Check out the book smart discipline, I have been doing this for a month now for whinning or crying about everything and my daughter is doing well. She is 5 but lessons do apply to 4 year olds too. I do believe it is a phase all kids go thru, but I just could not deal with it anymore so gave this a try!

check out 1 2 3 magic, I cant remember the author? but you can get it at the library

Being the kid in the middle can be tough. He probably needs to know that he's special to you. I heard of a mom who had a "precious half hour" with each of her kids each day. During that time they did whatever the child wanted to do--crafts, reading, going for a walk, etc. All the kids came to know that whoever was having his special time was not to be interrupted, and that they would also get their time.

Something else is to let him know, kindly but sincerely, that if he is whining or crying he cannot be in the same room with you. Either walk him to his room and leave him there, or else you leave. Hide a book in the bathroom if necessary and spend some time in there alone. It's called "Taking the Sail out of the Wind." It works. Good luck

K. (mother of 5 grown kids, including some who whined)

My daughter whines alot -- I saw on supper nanny one time to whine back at them so they can hear how silly they sound. It actually works! My daughter laughs at me and when she starts back up again...i do it again. It sounds very immature -- but at some point they will figure it out.

One of your house rules must be NO WHINING (from anybody).
I would explain to him that you will not pay attention to him if he whines.
And then don't.
Tell him that when he can speak in a normal tone of voice you will listen.
And do it.
If you stick to this he will quickly get the idea.
You don't need to do any explaining or talking....he already knows he is doing it and that it drives you nuts.
I would go so far as to leave the room if he starts in....

My son is 9 now and he went thru this phase too. I used to pretend I couldn't hear him if he was whining. It took him awhile, but he figured out he wasn't going to get his way with the whining. He also went thru the crying stage and we would make him go to his room and calm down. He would cry for no reason, he wasn't hurt or anything. That seemed to work, because he hated being in his room by himself.

I'm sorry that I don't have any genius advice for you. I have twin boys (who are now 9) that have always been very whiney/crying etc. I never responded to their fussing... I would tell them in a calm voice that when they come to me with a big-boy voice, I will ALWAYS help them. But when they come to me wining and crying it makes me not want to help them. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't... but he WILL grow out of it eventually if you just stay consistant. =)

ive only had one whiner in the family so far and i just whined back it really anoys them enough to make them stop and listen to how bad it sounds, they also have a book on this i sent it to my sister and i think now she has sent it to my daughter. called stop the whining.

Hi,i read all the advices that you got so farand they didn't seem to provide any real answer, because I have a 6 year old son who does that too. I have a 3 year old daughter who actually doesn't whine and i don't know what to do about it. I also know that my son is very sensitive, and feels things very deeply. I'm sorry i don't have an answer for you.I' m actually looking for one too and if you find something that works for you let me know. thank you.

When my kids are whining I tell them that I cannot understand or respond to what they are saying until they use their big kid voice. Sometimes I make a joke about how they sound and imitate what they sound like. It will get them giggling and hopefully forget what they were whining about so they can focus on using a more age appropriate tone. All kids whine unfortunately......you just have to encourage them not to.

We went thru this with my stepdaugher. I wanted to roll her head (can't stand a whiner), but I personally don't believe in physical discipline. To correct/change this issue quickly, you must be consistent. Don't give in 1 single time. I promise this will work. Don't walk away when your child does something you don't like or because he is breaking a house rule. Don't get mad- make & keep eye contact with him. Tell him you can't hear him until he talks right. Repeat yourself if necessary a couple times. Then give him a 2 minute time out to stress your point. Increase the time-outs by a minute during the same day if he continues. Start over with only 2 minutes each new day. They catch on if you have the patience. Take care of this before he gets any older.

Maybe it's the only way he feels he gets your attention?
Just a suggestion.

same problem with my 3 y/o boy

You've gotten lots of advice... We don't speak "whinese" in my house, because I don't understand it. "When your ready to use your words, I will help you." These statements have worked very well with both my boys.
We also eliminated dairy as that was the cause of my little one's fits. Hey, ... I like your new shoes, and he'd start crying.
That's my two cents anyways, hope it helps.

I have a friend who always makes her kids repeat what they just said in a non-whining way. She will say it in a normal way and have them repeat her. Then she will take care of what they need. I like the idea of having them repeat what you say because sometimes kids either don't have the language skills to say what they need or don't know what it sounds like in non-whining tones. I don't like the idea of ignoring because I always try to treat my kids as I would like to be treated. And I don't like being ignored :(
Also, as I was reading the other responses talking about reward systems for your son, it reminded me of a Berenstein Bears video my daughter watched once. It was about Sister's nail-biting habit. They were trying all sorts of things to get her to remember to stop biting them, but what ended up working was giving her 10 dimes (a week? a day?) and taking one away each time she bit her nails. Then she didn't have to have a perfect day in order to keep her reward. She just tried to work on keeping more each time. I'm sorry I can't remember which video it's on - try the library.
Good luck!
J. B (mother of 2. Age 5 girl and age 2 boy)

My son used to do that but when he was 3 or so. I used to tell him he would lose a privelege, like watching a program he liked or not being able to play with one of his toys/games or I would explain to him that I would totally ignore any requests/questions from him until he could ask correctly without the whinning in his tone. He eventually realized that he would lose more, rather than gain anything by not improving his act and he no longer does it. It worked for us. Good Luck.

STICKERS! Stickers are a wonderful trick. Every time you catch him using "big boy words" and not whining/crying, let him put a sticker on a chore chart paper placed on the fridge. Let him pick out the stickers from the store and he'll absolutely love putting the stickers on. But, if you catch him NOT using "big boy words" HE has to cross a sticker off. If he gets a whole page filled, he gets a reward (a dollar to spend at the store, an extra 10 minutes before bedtime, a special movie, a trip to the museum, etc. Be consistant and if you have to take the chart with you to the store, library, church, etc. DO IT! It may take some time, but it will work. Before you know it, he'll forget about the whining.

I'm going through this with my 3 year old daughter right now. Anytime she doesn't get what she wants it is a major crying and whining fest. I decided that perhaps she just didn't know what to say - so we came up with fiddlesticks, phooey, twinkletoes, or darn. So now we she starts gearing up I ask her - what do we say instead of whining? And that usually thwarts it. Not always, but it is a little repreive. Good luck.

My friend just read a book about breaking kids of whining. Here were some of the suggestions she shared with me.

Whine back your response. Lots of times they are so used to it that they don't realize they are doing it and how silly it sounds. Make it silly so they won't think you are making fun of them.

Tell them that you are not going to listen and respond until they speak in a normal voice and then ignore them completely. The key to this one is not giving in and just going about your business.

If you are in public, give one warning and leave immediately. Leave the cart at the store, the dinner at McDonald's and just go.

It's finding the thing that works and being consistent with it. The book said if you keep changing tactics you will seem unsure of your own authority and they will continue to challenge you.

J. after reading your story have you ever decided to try a sticker chart with him? Like go to the store and have HIM pick out some fun stickers and than get a calandar that he could have hang in his room. And explain to him every day that you do not whin or cry we will put a sticker on the calendar. And if you can go a whole week with stickers than we can decide on a reward. Like do somehting fun with him. Take him to his favorite place to eat or place to play. Or even surprise him with a toy or something. And each day he puts a sticker on the calander let him know what a big boy he is. But if he does not get a whole week filled than you explain to him no reward at the end of the week. If you just want to start out with just 5days rather than 7days you can do that. I hope it works out for you. V.

My, recently turned 5 yr. old, daughter does the same thing. The only thing I have done with her is tell her that I can't talk to her while she whines. I also tell her, when she cries, that it is not worth crying about. It doesn't even matter why she is crying, I still say the same thing. When she is really bad, I sit her on the naughty step of our stairs, which is our time-out spot, and tell her that we can talk or fix the problem when she has calmed herself down. It really seems to work. She is doing much better. Good Luck!!

Hi J., I'm not saying you don't but you might want to take just a little extra time just for a little one on one for him. I know I have triplets two boys and a girl that will be 4 in May and of course one always feels left out. So don't ya know I have to take a little extra time out for him for a couple of days to hug and kiss and I let him help with recipes and I just put him first and praise him constantly for a couple of days and that usually takes care of the probem. That is until the next one gets the notion they feel left out. As a SAHM it is a ongoing thing especially with triplets. Good Luck, A.

I'm going through this right now with my son, and his whining hasn't completely stopped but I think it's starting to get a little bit better. When he whines, I say, "I'm sure you didn't mean to use your whining voice, but that's how it sounds right now." This is his cue to get control of himself to speak in a regular voice. If he doesn't and he continues whining, whatever it is that he's whining about I calmly tell him that it will not happen, because as a mother I am not allowed to say yes to anything he whines for, that's just one of the rules of my job. Of course, he sometimes cries at that point, but more often than not now he will take a deep breath and get control of himself at the first warning because he knows I'll follow through, so if he really wants something he'd better ask in a nice voice.

My daughter does this when she is over-tired...but I try to make sure that she doesn't get any attention for the behavior. So putting your son in a room (where he can read or play or watch t.v. or whatever) without others around for attention or distraction may help.

Have you tried not responding at all to the whining and crying? It will get to be like the boy who cried "wolf". You won't know when there is something wrong & when there's not.

Does he ever tell you what the problem is and do you ask? If so, have you explained how to handle it differently and WHY? People respond BEST to an explanation rather than "because I said so."

maybe he needs the one on one time to converse w/ you. I'd certainly give it a try and see if it helps or takes care of the problem.

Might want to set aside 20-30 minutes, if you don't already....JUST for the two of you. You can talk, read, do a project, puzzle or whatever. That might help, too.