The Best Interest of My Child!!!!

By "doesn't respect" do you mean he undermines you or says rotten things about you? I don't think I understand the whole situation . . .

Unfortunately if he has legal rights to her, then there isn't much you can do or do anything about who he has around her. I was divorced when my daughter was 2, and he had been cheating for sometime,and I ran to my attorney for everything, so we had orders that no one of the oppsite sex could be around the child between the hours of 8pm-8 am, which only protected her overnight, but.... he still snuck around and mutual friends told me she was there everytime during his visitation. Truth of the matter is I couldn't stop him, he was going to do what he wanted, and lie to me as long as I tried to enforce the rules.I started taking a different approach, not worrying if she was there, and I made my ex-husband actually start respecting me which ultimately showed her he genuinely cared about his child. I started being nice to her, cordial, not overly friendly because truthfully, I knew she was caring for my child when he had his visitation. I did not want her taking anything out on my daughter because she was part of me. Now, my daughter is eight and we can all sit at her softball games and talk, laugh, we talk when they pick her up, and it's usually stepmom who picks her up now. She has actually become my alli. But... they don't attend very many softball games because they are too tired etc.. better for me, my husband now is the one who is there and has taught her how to play. She will remember that.
My husband now, he has a similar situation. I met him when his son wasn't even born yet. He was born 2 weeks after we met, they had been split up, and she hated me from the get go, did not know me, and told him I better not be around when he had the baby which was for a few hours a day a couple times a week. I was on the other end now, and I took care of him, rocked him, changed diapers, fed him etc, and now he is 4, and his mom and I get along fine. She did tell me a few years ago she was glad it was me and not a bunch of women in and out. And... she knew her baby was loved and taken care of, and at the end of the day that is what matters. I'm not saying you have to be friends, but make a huge effort to be cordial. It's amazing how much better you feel. Also, you want your child to grow, be happy, and suceed, not worry all the time about adult issues. I told myself if I truly love my child, I will do whatever it takes to make her life happy, and I did just that. It was a tough pill to swallow, but I love my child enough to make things work for all of us and I have to share Christmas and all other holidays, so it has worked for us, and like I said, my ex-husband was cheating on me with this woman for quite a while, and she knew he was married. take care of yourself and your baby, no one else will do it for you. The more you make of it, the more he will do behind your back because men don't like to listen to women whine and complain.If you don't have any court orders or paternity established etc. then you don't have to let her go anywhere, but...I do agree with he needs to be paying child support to see his baby.He won't want to visit the baby around you, or at your house, it's obvious he has moved on, and his new girlfriend probably plays a big role in him picking the baby up and taking her for the day. I tried that too, and we were still married at the time just separated, and he just wouldn't show up if I forced him to stay at my house with our daughter. If you don't have court orders in place, get a friend to go with him while he visits with the baby, that is another option. i feel your pain, and it doesn't seem fair, but I have been through it.
Good luck and remember, your baby's best interest comes first. You don't want her to grow up and her dad say I didn't get to see you much because your mom made it impossible.
Something else I wanted to mention, the law allows the father to have the baby for day visits, just no over night visits until they are 2, unless you work out something with him on the side. If you don't have any court orders in effect, don't let him take her until you do, my attorney advised menot to although I knew he wouldn't run with my daughter, he legally could keep her from me until we got into the family courts to get visitation orders. Just FYI. People do crazy things, and these days things are easly turned around on the mother when your intentions were innocent. If he wants to see her and you don't have specific court documents, meet him in a public place, restraunt etc, and let him see her for a bit, only if you want to. We as mothers are very protective of our offspring, and men do not have the instincts we have.
KristinI.

? - Do you have court ordered visitation and child support? If you do, you have to abide by that. If you don't - you don't have to give him visitation at all.

But you cannot choose who he hangs with. You either have to let her go and keep you mouth shut or keep her home. IF you think the company he keeps in endangering your daughter and you have NO court ordered visitation - don't let her go and don't worry about it.

My choice, in my situation was to have no child support and no court ordered visitation. This was the only way I felt I could protect my daughter.

Been there,done that. You cannot have it both ways. Most of this will hinge on whether you have court ordered visitation. Then you have no choice. hth

I have a few questions before I give you my opinion. Do they smoke around your daughter? Do they refuse to change her diaper? Have they ever done anything to endanger her? Does she come home not having been fed?

At this point, your daughter is 6 months old. Just because you don't get along with the new girlfriend doesn't mean that she can't be around your child. I don't like my husband's ex-wife, that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to speak with the children on the rare occasions she remembers she has them.

If your daughter's father has nothing wrong to the child, and has never endangered her, or done anything to make you think he were unable to care for her, then you have absolutely no right to keep her from him.

Have you heard the phrase - keep your friend close and your enemies closer? Unless you have some really good reasons for not getting along with this girl, I would try to befriend her. I can tell you from experience that this is the best for all involved. Especially your children. Of course, if you see or know of things happening that put your child in danger, then I would seek advise from law enforcement, etc. - but beware of playing games with CPS. Once they are involved in your life it is hard to get them out. I have seen this happen way too many times because people dont want the other parents boyfrieds/girlfriends involved. Sometimes if you take the high road and "kill them with kindness" you'll be surprised what you get in return.

Good luck!

Unless you know some deeper dark secret about his girlfriend that saids something like she is not good around kids or she does not like your child; then I would have to agree with him. A child always benefits from having their father around UNLESS he is violent,a drug user, or any kind of bad man. If he is not, and the women is not, Let him see the child. If you don't like the other women because he is with her and that is the only reason. Then you are cheating your child. I have been on both sides of this. I was the girlfriend who loved and took care of by boyfriends childen. I have been the mother. My daughter could not visit or play with her half sister and brother because their mother hated me and told me so. She told her children that my child did not exist and her father should never bring our daughter near hers'. This kind of behaver from her, shows she would hurt my child. So of course I did not allow him to bring our child any where around her. However, he was allow to see her because I knew he was a good father and would protect her from ANYONE.

your baby is little and can't speak for it's self. This is perfectly normal behavior on your part. The law is on your side. From what I've seen from watching my friends who split up and had infants the father can't keep the baby till the baby is 18 months. Things may have changed, but you are right to feel this way you can't be to protective of someone so small who can't tell you what happened while they were away from you. When your child is older your child's father has the right to see him. He's the father and there is no changing that. As many poor choices my ex makes and my kids deserve so much better from a parent, at the end of the day the fact that they need their dad not some substitution to guide and direct them. Good luck and use the law they're on your side.

If the shoe was on the other foot and he had custody of the child, would it be FAIR if he would only let you have visitation under his supervision just because he didn't approve of your choices in men? Is your decision in the child's best interest or yours because you are still hurt over the relationship? I am not judging, but asking questions you should ask yourself and honestly answer before making the decision you are trying to make. If it went to court, custody would be 50/50 whether you like who he is with or not.
K.

I agree that if you have a court order you have to abide by it, if not, you can make whatever restrictions you want but also remember, your daughter wants to be around her father and it sounds like he's trying to do whats right when it comes to his daughter. Also, as long as his girlfriend treats your daughter right then it doesn't really matter if you get along with her or not although it would be nice if you could both show each other respect when your daughter is around.

If you were to have court ordered visitation, he would probably not be allowed to take her on his own until she is much older. We were told recently by friends who went through something similar that they consider it best for the child not to start extended or overnight visits until age 4. I'm not sure if that is a law or not, but worth considering.

And would I trust a new, part-time parent to properly care for MY 6 month old baby out of my presence? Absolutely NOT! You appear to be talking about a father who is only JUST getting involved with the child. That screams immaturity and instability, in the first place. Unless you have something in writing, governed by the court, I wouldn't dare let him take her unsupervised. I can also tell you that the "possessing parent" has all the rights if he chooses not to bring her home one day. I'm not trying to scare you, but this happened to my brother and sister-in-law when they split, before the court order was in place. It took him 5 months to get his son returned to his custody.

Is this about your child's best interest or yours? As much as we want to protect and control our children's surroundings, we must realize that our children are not our possessions, and each parent has the same rights to have relationship with the child. He has the right to be a father to his daughter, to use his judgment to parent her through trial and error, just as you do. As long as you can't point to any legitimate danger for them, then you have to just pray for the whole thing and hope that it works out. It's hard, but you have to make sure that your judgment is not based in ego. I'm sorry.

I would disagree with Heather......It seems that your daughter is the first and only thought on your mind....as a mom you have every right to be concerned of who YOUR child is around! I am sure if you got a boyfriend he didn't like he would be asking the same question as you! I say stick to your guns and let him know that you don't feel that it is a good time to be bringing anyone else into your daughters life except her own parents at this time. It is a crucial time in her life and she needs balance....Not a new girl this month and possibly another one the month after! Hang in there and keep on being an advocate for your child, you are doing great!

let me play devils advocate for a few. is the reason you wont let her go with her daddy becasue of the girlfriend only because you personally do not like her or has she been in trouble/bad influence to your baby girl?. if its personal because you ex has a new girlfriend that you just dont like with no reason to think that she would harm your baby then i think you might be being unreasonable. if there is a legit reason for your baby's safety then you are completly in the right to be wary of letting her go. i only say it this way because my husbands ex was saying the same things about him and i when we 1st met about letting his daughter come visit us i have no criminal history and am ex-military she just didnt like the fact that he had moved on. i'm not saying this is your case bust just sit down and think about it for a second. your daughter will be much better off having a relationship with her father in the long run if that is possible. i do agree with the before posting of getting something on paper so you both have something to go by it will be a lot less heartache and stress in the end.

I am not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you have some issues to deal with regarding the father of your daughter. You not getting along with his new girlfriend doesn't give you the right to restrict his visits.

I am sure you don't want her growing up thinking her dad has multiple girlfriends, but if that is the case, then show her the way you would like her to lead her life. Let her know that "being a player" is not acceptable behavior.

You did say he is coming into his daddy role. You should have an adult discussion with him and tell him that you don't want her exposed to multiple girlfriends. Maybe he will cool it.

There are worse things to have in a parent, he could be totally dead-beat and not want anything to do with your daughter. Be thankful he is in her life because NO you are not being fair.

I would sit down and with both of them and have a talk. Regardless of your feelings toward your ex and his g/f; you're daughter needs to have a relationship with her father. if he loves his daughter he will not allow anyone to speak of you in a negative manner in front of her. no, she doesn't know what is being said...yet. but babies and toddlers can pick up on emotions and the tone of someones voice. you need to make absolutley sure your ex is acting in a responsible way when he has your daughter. i didn't allow my children to see their father because i didn't like his mother. it was wrong of me. it put a strain on their relationship that has never been repaired. (my kids are 20,21) they still talk to to their dad but do not have a close relationship with him because one wasn't built when they were young. i didn't realize MY mistake until a couple of years ago. put your feelings aside...all of you...and concentrate on the most important person in your lives. if your ex doesn't bond with your daughter now, it may never happen and you cannot really love someone you don't have a bond with. i recommend parenting classes for you and your ex. if you take it to court, they'll probably insist on it. good luck and remember, ALL of you need to do whats best for your daughter. the g/f may not even be around later but your daughter will still need her daddy.

first you need to pray about this situation...clarity, wisdom and peace of mind for whatever decisions you should make. you do what is best for your child-above your interests, above his interests. i would get it court ordered though so there is no "he said, she said". you child is going to have enough issues growing up without mom and dad being together. you both need to focus on her and not bring "significant others" around her at all! that means you not dating either or bringing men around her. the chance for her being in any type of abusive situation goes way up when parents aren't together.

I can understand your worry. To begin, it must be hard for you to be away from your baby being so young and more so to know your baby will be in contact with someone you're not getting along with. I don't know that having a serious conversation with "daddy" is possible. Have him try to see how this is a concern for you. Express true concerns not just that "you don't get along with her" You should really think of doing this through court though and maybe then suggest at court that he get supervised visitation. Whether it'd be at your house or maybe his mom's house or just someone you trust. This is tough, try to establish some time of civil realtionship with g/f because if "daddy" is going to be with her, this will only benefit you by knowing your baby will be well taken care of. Best wishes

I have to say that your concern seems valid, the fact of how he feels about you or acts towards you will eventually affect how your daughter feels about herself (how men/boys are suppose to treat her, it becomes very disfunctional). You have to try to talk to him as civilized as it can be, for the sake of your daughter. He doesn't have to "like" you but he should treat you with respect as the mother of his daughter. He owes that to your daughter, if nothing else. It doesn't have to be either or but it has to be healthy for your her. Don't give him too many reasons not to be in her life. She will resent you for making that happen. Hold your head up!: )

I would tell you that as long as you trust the daddy, it is okay. You have no control over who he has in his company when he has your child. Your child is just a baby and if he wants to see her, then you should let him. I hate to tell you this but it does not get better, and you have till your child is 18 years old to deal with him. It is always in your childs best interest to have a relationship, a good one, with her dad, because later on in your daughters teen years, you will see the affects of a good dad, or not.

Unfortunately we can't control who our ex's put in their lives. You need to let your child spend time with her daddy. If you have a custody agreement you would be violating it by withholding the child. Even children as young as your daughter can pick up on the animosity between her parents. Be careful and give him a chance.

Oh, honey, you are young, and I can see why you would be upset, but you have no REAL reason for keeping your child from him just because he has a girlfriend. He's not going to be alone forever, and therefore there are going to be other women around your daughter. That's just reality. Good luck to you N.. And don't think this other woman is in ANY way a threat to you. She's not. I know you might not belive this now, but you will always be mommy. Nobody else. I used to think about that, cuz I always knew me and my boys' dad wouldn't last, and I thought that the idea of another woman being around my kids was the WORST! Not anymore. I would give anything at this point for him to find someone else and leave me alone! And I feel no threat whatsoever from another woman. It really will be OK. I promise.

I am also a divorced mom with 2 kids. I am not sure how old your ex is... but I feel maturity is very important. Sometimes dads need some growing time to be an great dad when he is by himself (sounds like he is trying). Also, I feel it is very important for your daughter to know her father and to have a healthy relationship with him. It needs to be consistent for that. Your daughter needs that so that when she is older she will know how a man is supposed to treat her as a wife, girlfriend, friend. So please allow contact as long as she is safe and cared for in a nurturing environment especially at this age. Personally, I would be very weary of overnight visits and stick to day visits such as walks in the park or play time at your house. Gradually, you can see him in action and gradually allow him more time away from your house such as trips to his parents' house. As far as the girlfriend thing goes...you may have to get used to that. One day you may be in the same position with a boyfriend. Good luck!!!

Hi N.,
My friend is going through this now. I think she is young enough that if you went to court (through atty gen or private lawyer) he would have to visit her at a neutral place. My friends son is 9 mths and the father gets him 2 hrs once a week and the 1st 3rd and 5th weekend for 4 hours on saturday. But in her case the father has been involved since birth. I really urge you to go to court. Just call the atty gen and they'll set it all up. Everything was going good for them and then he got mad one day and threatened to not return her son. He could have legally done that since neither had custody of him. What I'm stressing is if his name is on the birth certificate you really need to get custody of your daughter so that he doesn't take off with her. Good luck sweetie!

Go with your instinct. Until your daughter can talk, you don't really know what went on during your daughter's visit with her daddy. If you are uncomfortable, keep the visits to your house only or at a park or public place where you both are present (preferably without the girlfriend). Hope this helps.

I would suggest getting to know his girlfriend before you say "noone around my daughter besides me." I felt that way about mt baby's daddy's girlfriend at first too. Now I trust her more than him. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable that we get along (she also has a kid by him.) Also, I think that he's not "disrespecting you" by having a girlfriend around your daughter. I grew up around both my mother and father's gfs and bfs. I didn't think it was terribly bad...just a few things to think about. Good luck!

Dear N.,
I'm a 50 yr.old mother divorced was and is single since my daughter was 3 yrs of age. My experienced was that I wanted my daughter to have the contact with her father but he was more into his new relationship and his now divorced wife was very controlling at that time and did not want my daughter around so he stop the communication with my daughter. My daughter was very hurt and it is important that they have a relationship as long as you see your daughter happy. It is difficult for us mothers to let go but if he is going to be the father that he is and takes that roll now, talk to him and tell him that this relationship is not only to his convenience, he has to be around now and for ever if he is serious about this.
Good luck

Gladys

I'm prefacing my response by saying.. you did not say why you didn't like her so I have no reason to believe it is a "physical danger" issue.

Yes, you're wrong for not letting him take his child without you present. You are trying to control him and you are using your daughter and his desire to be a father to do that. Unless this woman is abusive to your daughter in some way you can't tell him who he can and can't date and have around his child. He's a grown up and can make his own choices where his child is concerned just like you can. You want to dictate every choice made where your child is concerned and that isn't fair to him. If you want him to be a Dad, respect him and let him be one.

You didn't specify why you don't like this woman. If your child is in danger by being around her then my advice would be different. If you just don't like her because she is the one your ex is dating and its a jealousy thing, then you need to back off and let him have his child.

Also, ppl seem to be making the assumption that he isn't paying child support.. is this the case? he should be or i don't think you're obligated to do anything... but obligation or not, you need to do what is right and unless she is in danger, your daughter needs her father.

Personally, I think it is irresponsible of parents to bring boyfriends/girlfriends into their childs life before the relationship is committed..... but not everybody does things my way :)

You may not like my answer, but unless they are doing something potentially harmful around your daughter, you can't withhold her from your ex. I think you should consult an attorney to make sure you now your rights and are aware of his rights too. Look in the phone book for a legal aid clinic(this would be free or low cost) or look for a Women's Center---often they provide free legal assistance. I think you are right to be cautious about this situation, but you have to be realistic.....he is the father. And whether it is fair or not, he does have rights. If you do notice genuine/potential harmful situations, openly discuss them with your ex....and then document those concerns and the way the situation was handled. And I would try very hard to word any concerns about your daughter only about her...EX: I notice that her clothing smells like smoke.....it's bad for her to be around smoke and I expect you to share that concern with me. (then document that and his response) Be upfront with your expectations and stick to your guns. As for dealing with his new girlfriend....tell him your direct concerns, but be aware that "complaining" about her can come across as jealousy...yeah I know it stinks! It may also be a good idea to agree to drop off and pick up in a neutral place or with a witness so you can discuss issues in a non threatening way. I wish you the best of luck and I hope my advice was helpful.

N.,

When a child is under the age of 4, the courts usually require supervised visitation if the custodial parent (you) request it. It starts with visitation at your home or a public place for a few hours. Then it gradually works up to unsupervised visits and over nights. You simply go to the Attorney Generals office and file a petition for child support and visitation. If you can show the courts proof of violence, drugs, etc. then this helps for future visitation later in life. Your daughter is an infant, and they depend on their mothers for everything (breastfeeding, etc.). So, continue on the road you are, just make sure to keep your cool, don't yell or argue with him, and remain professional and respectable when dealing with him. Just remember, you're the bigger person. Good luck, and if you need any more advice, don't hesitate to contact me.

Well, i agree with cindy a., he needs to limit the number of girlfriends he brings around his daughter. And, he must have some respect for you! The two of you are responsible for your daughter, she sees the relationship between dad and mom. It's up to both of you to make it possitive. Don't make it a war. If he can't compormise with you than, maybe his visits should be at a "common" place, i.e. Grandma's, uncle's...you don't have to hoover around him during his visits. Your daughter's relationship with her dad is very important, also.
Your worry is justified in my eyes, you seem like a loving mom, good luck!

I am sorry that you are going through this but your child needs her father and you need to put her best interest at heart not yours.

Hi N., sorry that you and your poor child have to go through this. I am not an expert but have read quite of bit. I can tell you that your child needs her father. If he is going to manipulate the situation that will only hurt your child at the end. The girlfriend needs to stay out of the situation. If your ex gives this person (girlfriend) any rights then you as the mother you have every right to step in and say something. I do not see anything wrong with you wanting to be present when he is visiting. Let him earn that trust.

Good luck,
Elisa

I agree with most of the other mothers. If you do not have a court-ordered visitation schedule, then you do not have to let him take this child. If he doesn't want to abide by your rules, then let him hire an attorney so that this will go to court. This will mean that he will have to pay child support and medical insurance (if he is not already) and he will have to abide by the decree, just like you will. I doubt seriously that the court will agree to you asking for supervised visitation, unless there is some type of criminal or mental-illness history in his past. I hope everything will go well for you. Best wishes!

I would see about getting court-ordered child support and structured visitation. If he isn't contributing anything toward her support, you get to call all the shots. It's to her advantage to have her dad in her life, so don't deny him access to her, but don't let him put you on a guilt trip. You have the right and responsibility to protect your daughter as much as possible.

I would check with the laws in your area to see if you have any legal ground to stand on first before you say any thing to him. As her biological father, he will have some rughts unless you can prove that he's unfit or able to cause her harm or expose her to a lifestyle not safe.

N.,
As hard as it will be to let your ex visit your daugher without being in your presence, it is what needs to be done. This is going to sound mean but I don't know how else to type it so I hope I don't upset you. Your words "everything turned out great and he was really excited. However, he does'nt have any respect for me" speak volumes. It doesn't matter whether or not he has respect for you. (I've had to parent through a divorce so been there, done that.) What does matter is that the love for your daughter has to be GREATER than the dislike you have for each other and/or each other's significant others. Whether or not you get along with the new girlfriend is insignificant. (Believe me, again, been there done that.) Yes, you will be fearful, especially because of your daughter's young age, that things may go wrong when your daughter is in his care. That won't end, even when she's older. That's just the nature of being a mom. And don't be surprised when he does things differently than you...if your daughter isn't endangered by his actions, its ok. If you had stayed together, you both would not have done things alike. Thats because your a woman and a mom and because he is a man and a dad. (There is truth to the whole Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus.) He is not going to want to visit your daughter in your presence because he is going to worry that you are judging him, his new girlfriend, etc. Even though you two aren't divorced, it might help if you contact the state/county and both of you go through the class required by the court system for divorcing parents to attend on how to co-parent after a separation/divorce. It will give you great insight and direction. It will also be one of the best classes you could attend for the best interest of your daughter.
Blessings,
D.

Well unless you have reason that the law will require him less time with her, most of the time they grant him his rights as far as 50%/50%, because you both have the same parental rights. Unless you go to court, but I've seen most of them get granted the 50/50. Where you have custody of her as far as living with you, but he gets her every other weekend and every other Wednesday. And unfortunately is none of (our) business who he has around her, wether we like it or not. I've gone throught it. Right now I know he's being disrespectful and it sounds like you're upset with him, but move on and pray that he is a better person and father. Unfortunately, you will have the next 18 years to deal with him, because of your daughter. Good luck. I also forgot to tell you, through my experience with my daughter, when she was 1 yrs. old, I had agreed to meet her father at his mom's house so that his family could see her, boy did I make a mistake. If legally you haven't gone to court for child support or custody, I would think twice about letting her go. When I got to my in laws house, I realized that I walked into a trap. As soon as I walked in, her father took her from me, told his sister to take my baby to the back room and lock the door. He called the cops to remove me from the property, I tried to explain to them that I just took her to see them, but they said that since we hadn't gone to court for custody or child support, that he had the same rights as me. And since I was on his family's property, I had to leave. Later that night his mom called me to pick her up, because she probably screamed her head off w/(these strangers) and they knew I had raised her all this time alone. Thas was a feeling I wouldn't want to go thru again. Good Luck!

If he has no respect for you don't expect him to respect your child. You are this childs protector. You care and want the best for your child. He left the child and you. Visits out side of your protective eye should be out of the question until she is old enough to tell you what happened to her while with him.

Anyone that will be a part of your childs life you need to make it your business to meet them to let them know your expectations for your child. Make sure you speak to him as well as any girlfriend(s) who will be around your child to ensure they are fully aware of the consequences that will occur if anything happens to your child.

Been there before and once everyone envolved was on the same page I had no problems.....

Good Luck

N.,
If you trust your baby's father, then you'll need to trust his judgement on the people he'll bring around her. If he truly has her best interest at heart, then you'll have nothing to worry about. You probably won't like all the people he befriends, so best to just trust his judgement and keep yourself out of all that drama. That said, listen to your instincts, if you feel your daughter is in anyway endangered, you do need to protect her but if it's just someone you dislike, I would try and set my ego aside and let father and daughter have their time but be sure she's safe. Good luck!