ThanksSeeking A Little Support

Updated on January 11, 2012
E.S. asks from Newport, TN
11 answers

Not really an official question, and I haven't been on here an quite a while except for answering one question last month. Anyway, I am scheduled to sign papers today for a legal separation from my husband. I posted a long time ago about his perscription pain pill addiction and his anger and depression. It all cullminated (sp?) with him hitting me this past June. I stayed at Moms the rest of the summer until school started back (work). He was required to go to anger managment and I required him to see a counciler. He is on anti depressants and a non-addictive anti anxiety med. He still had a 'blow up' last tuesday evening, spending an hour or more intermittantly in my face calling me names and yelling at me from his mothers basement (where we are living since he quit his job and we lost our house). I know I am doing the right thing. He is still getting and taking pills that are not prescribed to him. One was on the chair he had been sitting in and when confronted, he said it was clonopin. I asked why he had it as he has an anti-anxiety med. He said they didnt work. He didn't seen bothered that it fell out of his pocket and was on the chair where our two 3 year olds could have gotten it had they been awake.
Anyway, again, I know i am doing the right thing, I am just scared and worried. I am going to have to do this all on my own. I have family, but they are all in other states, and they do support me. I am just really scared, and I am not really sure, of what. Maybe being the only adult in the household and having to do it all, not that I am not doing it all anyway.
I guess I am just looking for a bit of encouragment and emotional support. Thanks for listening. If I created more questions by this post, please feel free to ask, talking seems to help and I really feel alone right now.

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So What Happened?

Thanks Ladies, I printed this all and am going to keep reading it until I am at the lawyers office. To answer a few questions: I am working. I teach art and will finish this school year here. After that, I don't know. My mom has offered rooms at her house if I want to move back to GA. I can stay until I get on my feet, but I don't know. I do have friends here and my girls Daddy and his family are all here. I don't want them to be angry later and blame me for keeping them from their father or other family. My dad has rented a townhouse/apartment for us and is covering the cost of it until the end of June.
I am seeking counciling myself and am thinking about it for the girls. I don't know how much of their actions are from being 3 year olds or if the actions of their father are causing them to be more disrespectful toward me.
I know he will eventually hit rock bottom wether I am there or not. I also know that once they hit bottom, addicts end up either in jail, dead or in rare cases, turn themselves around. I am hoping for the later, but don't have much hope there.
His mother has been our girls care giver while we were at work, from the very begining. This will be very hard on her also, but I know she is part of the problem. She has 'pumped' the girls for information, and has giving their father (my husband) many of the pills he has become addicted to. His father passed away from lung cancer in March and she freely gave him many of his fathers pain pills.
I have a friend from church that has a daughter the same age as my girls and she is going to watch them for $40 a week. Yep, $40 per week! (She is hoping that my potty trained girls will help her get her daughter interested in the potty :) Again, thanks, I will let you all know how it goes.
Edit: Oh yea, we have never had joint checking or saving accounts and the future caregiver is well aware of what is happening. I just filed a report of the incident that occured last tuesday nad the officer said that he also recommends an order of protection, as many others have done. He was able to tell me that there are several kinds and described them. The options out there made me feel better. I want to be protected if he is angry, but he often isnt and I would like him to see his kids if he is acting like a parent...maybe.... In any case Thank you all so much and Christy Lee: that web site is awesome. I think I printed every page nad have been sitting here highlighting the relevant (to my situation) parts!

More Answers

✤.J.

answers from Dover on

You said at the end exactly what I was thinking throughout reading your post: you're doing it all by yourself now anyway so it likely won't be much difference.

I know what you mean about being scared anyway, though. It's a huge life-changing thing to begin the separation process, but you know you're doing the right thing.

If you have friends in the area who are the type to offer help, even just a simple, "Let me take the babies for a couple of hours while you grocery shop" take them up on it for sure! Other than that, just take it day by day. It will get easier as you & the kids get into a good routine. **Hugs!!**

3 moms found this helpful

C.P.

answers from Columbia on

This site saved my sanity when I left my ex. I hope that it helps you, too. It's just informational...the woman who wrote it dealt with a controlling husband. You don't have to share anything or buy anything. Just read.

www.youarenotcrazy.com

Get far away from this man. Heal your heart. You are not at fault for this.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.R.

answers from Chicago on

After you have made your first step of leaving him..you will find the courage to move on. You will find yourself free from an unhealthy relationship. No need to look back!

2 moms found this helpful
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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Oh Beth how hard this is for you. However, I wanted to tell you how much respect I have for you. This is a tough situation but you are getting out and getting your kids out.

If you can, I would move to another state. I know kids need their dads but your husband has shown that his pills are more important than his family. What about visitation? Is he going to get any? If so, are you sure the kids will be properly cared for. I mention this because you said something about a pill being on the chair. 3 year olds put everything in their mouths. I would let the attorney know about all of this. Your job is to protect your kids and you are doing that magnificantly!

Again, it take a strong woman to do what you are doing!

2 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

You are doing the right thing.
Although you are scared, I think it will feel easier eventually once you are not dealing with an adult who wants to behave like a child.
The only children you are responsible for raising are your 3 yr olds.
Hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful

Y.C.

answers from New York on

I am with Melissa, and with you.
I was thinking, you are the only adult in your house. But I get is still not as easy as it sounds to just pack and leave, maybe also scary that he would get mad at you?
Are you working now? Can you move out of state and live with a family member?
All these changes are not always easy to do even if we know is not only the right thing to do but also what it needs to be done.
You are not only doing it for you, but mostly for your kids, and in some way for your husband too, why he should change when nothing around him changes (at least on his eyes, because for all around him is changing for worst).
If he is not working, and if he is a danger for your kids, and also mistreating you, find the stenght you need knowing that things can only get better at this point.
And please, if at any time you feel treated (sp? afraid) don't hesitate to go to the police, even if you thing is something small and silly, is always better to be safe and keep anything documented.
My hope is that ones that you move he would touch bottom and put him self together, if not to be back as a marriage at least to be a good dad.
Sorry you are going through this, even if things seem bad and scary now, you are not alone, and you can do this.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

I am glad that you are leaving the vicinity. After reading about your MIL's enabling your husband, it is best that you leave. I know you don't want to take away the grandkids, but truthfully, I wouldn't worry so much about his family being angry at taing the kids away. They are not safe around your husband, and you know that.

Make sure you have everything like this documented. I know you don't want to throw your MIL under the bus, Beth, but if she were to front the money to try to get her son joint custody, (so she can have access to the kids), his drug habit could hurt them, and you know that. So rather than think you are hurting her, know that you are helping them.

Look, you aren't the first mom to deal with this. Remember all those who have gone before - they made it and so can you.

Hugs, Beth.
Dawn

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J.J.

answers from Phoenix on

Wow, this is horrible. What a tough thing to go through, but yes by all means, you are doing the right thing. It will be tough, but you can do it! Good Luck to you and your children and I hope your husband gets the help he needs. Although I do not think that he will ever be in a situation to be a safe part of your family again.

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E.M.

answers from Louisville on

been right there with you hunny. finding the pill on the counter was the last straw for me. i had a sprite bottle thrown at my head so hard it put a hole in the wall 4 inches from my head where i was standing... holding my daughter mind you. rx pills are just too tough to deal with esp if hes that far gone. go ahead and leave maybe ask mom or dad if you can come home for a while... good luck hun. ps i was worried about how my daughter would be with out a dad around about a year later i met a wonderful man who my daughter started calling daddy and 2 years ago the adoption was finalized on her 7th birthday. it will be ok stay strong and know you are doing the right thing

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K.W.

answers from Asheville on

You're doing the right thing for yourself, your husband and your children, stay strong. As far as talking about what's going on, I recommend that you find an al-anon group to go to(support group for people involved with addicts), it's free and helpful. Good luck!!

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L.L.

answers from Lexington on

All I can say, is that you are ALREADY the only adult in the picture for your kids. Your soon to be ex sounds relatively worthless in regards to adding to the parenting equation and he sounds like a source of stress. You may find that really you are loosing one frustrating (and dangerous) dependent rather than loosing a co-parent. You can do it!!!!!

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