Thank You All for Your Response.

Hello,
I think it is appropriate to look for professional help ( counseling). This is my biased opinion. I am child and adolescent pscyhiatrist.
Good luck!
V.

sound like you have a hand full there. and i can remeber being the same way and i turned out just fine. but anyways the things my parents did that i think helped me the most were, taking things away from me, a big one was a car (we live in the middle of nowhere so a car is a VERY big thing) if a school dance is coming up make her work for before and after the dance to prove that she can earn it and the reason i say after is she will work for the dance get the dance and bam she is done. but if she has to prove to you after the dance that is willing to work for it then it will help with the next one if she does not then that's it she done. a big one and i'm sure you hear this a lot is that you and your husband must be on the same page no matter what. if not then anything you do will not matter she will just keep going back and fourth between you until she get's what she wants. you said she is going to be 16 soon i don't know if you are going to let her get her drivers licens but use that over her make her work for it. most kids that is a really big deal. i do know that one of the main things that helped me with my parents was noing that no matter what i knew that they loved me. my mom told me over and over and over, i did not like it at the time but looking back it did help me out a lot. and as far as the boy thing goes, i know for me and others the more you tell them no no no the farther they will go. these are all things that you can use to make her work for them. the main key is that she has to earn everything take it all away. i hope this helps if you want to talk just send me a msg. like i said i was there and i was a lot worse trust me.

This is a very hard age as I am sure you can remember. Perhaps you were never this bad but everyone struggles with growing up. I think it is very important that you and your husband sit down together and talk this through. Something very important to remember is to pick your battles. You mention brushing her teeth, this is not something I would fight with her over. If she wants nasty breath then fine. She is old enough that she should WANT to brush and if she doesnt its just to spite you, so stop fighting about it and let her skip morning brushing. The big things are like homework, school activities and chores. Everything else should just be ignored. Another thing that might help, let her have her space. She needs her own place to just be. If she wants her room to be a pig stye then let it be a pig stye and just keep the door closed. Dont do her laundry, if she wants it clean she needs to go into her room and get it and wash it herself. Give her those responsibilites. It will make a HUGE difference is she is in on the discussion that comes up with specific consequences for her actions. LISTEN to her and what she has to say and try and use her thoughts and ideas. Also, I think that the other commenter was correct in that you need to get her to a counseler. There may be something going on that she wont tell you.
REMEMBER to praise her when she does good things, does her chores, or doesnt argue. And give her hugs and tell her you love her alot, even when shes not acting apropiately

Please talk to the high school counselor and find a therapist who does well with family issues. You are dangerously close to loosing your daughter and this would be a huge tragedy. Your daughter seems to understand that her behavior is disruptive and inappropriate. I am sure she is lovely most of the time and balks only when she really wants to do something with peers and school related activities. Sometimes, however, this is a cry from limitations. She may be going through a development crisis and need your support. Although she is arguing with you and fighting everything you do it may be due to her wanting to be responsible and mature, yet fears the separation from you while seeking independence. Young adolescent children often act very contrary to whatever their parents wish. You, your husband and your daughter need to set a goal and a plan and stick to whatever you decide for your daughter. A therapist can help you in this but if you wish to go it on your own set limits and stick to them. You can restrict activities without “grounding” or “punishment”. You can tell your daughter that she has choices of one activity over another. It sounds like your daughter wants to do everything offered and this can be confusing even for her.
You must take control of your situation and convince your husband to stand by you in the decisions you make. Your daughter is going to be much happier if you set limitations and have expectations of her. At 15 years of age, she is showing her desire to be independent, but she needs to know that she is approaching this independence in an inappropriate manner.
Do see assistance for your daughter and yourself and husband. The guidelines a therapist can offer will help you immensely. It will also assist you in making your plan. If someone other than you and your husband suggest something this might motivate your daughter more. She needs a reason to feel motivated and willing to better herself and to create a lasting relationship with you while gradually pulling away to adulthood.
The best of success to you.
J.

Loveandlogic.com get some guidence from them & look in the blue pages of your phone book for goverment help. I would seek professional counseling. Your kid sounds like a nightmare. You should go to counseling first without her & your husband too. If your husband & you are not united she will do what I call devide & conquer. It is a common strategy among all children ask for what you want and if you don't get it ask the other parent until you get what you want and turn the parents against each other. Paying your child for getting good grades is asking for more trouble.

Hello M.,
I want to congratulate you for making it this far. I am mom to six kids and 4 granddaughters. My youngest is 3, my oldest is 26. It does not mater what sex of the child the all go through this stage. First,you need to sit with your husband and figure out what battles you want to fight. Second, Figure out what she wants, ex sample she wants to go hang out with her friends, in order for this to happen; she needs to follow the rules and apply herself at school. When you set down to discuss this with her have her help set the rules for being out with friends, and let her know why you what her to follow these rules. ex sample you have to let use know where you are at all times and be home at a agreed time.
There is a agency on SE 92nd across from Lentz Park. They will help work with you and they have a thing where she could get paid to go to school. Remember When they get to be teens there learning to be Adults with kid responsibilities. Be flexible
If you would like more pacific suggestions write me back. I would be glad to help in any way I can.

Thanks
G.

May I suggest getting her some counseling... I know she will put up a fight but it is for her own good! If she has a better relationship with her father because you are the "bad guy" in the family, have him take her and maybe sit in on a few sessions... the counseler may have all of you sit together at some point.

Maybe there are some pent up aggressions that she needs to tell a neutral party! Her life is moving at light speed and for alot of teenage girls it is stressful and no matter what they do they still feel like they dont "fit in" they lash out to feel like they have some kind of control of their lives because they are constantly being judged at school and in social situations.....kids are mean!!! There may be some depression involved so it is really necessary to have her see someone!

Just remember you are doing the best you can and that is exactly what you should be doing!! You are doing the right thing!

Stay strong and may God be with you!!! Teenagers are tough!

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$475 and you will know what she is really thinkig.
January Seattle 3 days.

Hopefully she is not on METH...it seems as though she has all the signs. drug test her.

Sorry, you are going through this.

em

Hi.. no advice, sorry to say, but your daughter is doing things my 15 yo daughter and her friends are... "Typical" teenager stuff but I hope you are able to find a source of peace while going thru this difficult stage of your daughter's life.

Good luck, take care and try to find a middle ground for your family so you can all live fairly peacefully!

B. :)

Ok first of all you and your husband have to be a united front. My stepdughter is only 7 but is doing all the things you have been saying that your daughter is doing. She is quite simply acting out. My stepdaughter would use me and my husband agains each other and really cause problems for us. Now that we see what she is doing we have formed a united front and things have changed. Not completly better, but they are improving. My husband giving in to her was our biggest problem, because she knew if it was just me she would be good, but as soon as daddy got home she became a monster again. She still tries it sometimes, but now my husband is nippin in the bud now and she's starting to realize that she's not gonna get any where. Its not gonna get better over night, but it will. Another thing you can try, is positive affirmation. Instead of catching her doing bad, catch her when she's doing good and praise her for it. We had to do this with our son and it has help immensley. Again not an overnight change but his timeouts have dropped dramatticaly. I know it sounds simple, but my daughter at 7 is already doing this, so maybe you will have some luck with the stuff we tried with our daughter for your daughter. I hope it gets better.

M.,

I wonder if maybe she is feeling controlled and confined and as a result, she is rebelling against everything including the very ligitimate limitations you set for her. For example, a 15 year old should decide if she is going to brush her hair and her teeth and should be granted some freedom of expression for how tidy she is going to keep her room so long as she cleans it say once a week. Teenagers can just be messy and disorganized, but they do grow out of it (I did).

It sounds like your daughter is very frusterated can be very hurtful. I am glad that you are not putting up with the hurtful behavior because you must take a united stand against this with your husband. Being united may perhaps be one of the most important things to combat this (even if you are sometimes both wrong!) otherwise as you have seen, she will play you like a fiddle!

I do understand what it is like to be a teenager who has parents who demand too much and tried to micro-manage my life. I felt completely overwhelmed and I wanted space to be me like so many teenagers need. My advice is to pick your battles and really stand strong with your husband on them, and let everything else go. Good Communication is key. Hopefully she will slowly gain trust and things will get better.

Best of luck to you M.!!!

Hi M.~ Wow, what a spot you are in, I feel for you and your hubby. Ok, so I don't really know what kind of advice to offer or really know the extent of your whole situation, but speaking from remembering being 15 myself........I acted alot like your daughter from the sounds of it!! I really rebeled when I was 15, said sooooo many hurtful things to my mom and tried to do whatever it is I wanted to at that time, talked on the phone till all hours, snuck out, lied......And I TOTALLY regret doing all that to my parents!!!!! At 15 I just thought the world was mine to do as I pleased, I was boy crazy and just didn't care. My Mom never did the boot camp thing to me, but I TOTALLY agree with those!!!! I think they are great programs and there are alot of teens who really benafit from those. I was headed down the wrong path......but truned my life around when I met my wonderful Hubby. Some kids just don't get it. I regret now all the hurtful things I said to my parents, and really wish I could take them back. I have two beautiful little girls, 2 and 8 months. I really hope they don't do those things or say things like that to me, but with the way society is now days, it is scary. I hope that I can teach them right from wrong and just do my best as a parent. They are still young, so when it comes to experience with a teenager I don't have that yet :) But I just remember being alot like your daughter.....She WILL regret things when she is older and has a family of her own.......I would strongly suggest the boot camp or some counceling......Limit her the best you can, but also let her make some of her own decisions......She will learn, and sometimes, you have to learn the hard way. I did. But when it comes to most stuff you need to pick your battles. My parents ALWAYS faught me on what seemed to be everything! I felt I couldn't do anything....So I did things to spite them. You mentioned brushing teeth....If your daughter wants nasty icky breath, then let her, her friends will let her know, and the embarassement along should make that situation change.....You just really need to pick your battles. Anyways, I hope that helped! But I would say hang in there, it will get better!! Take care!!

has your daughter had anything tramatic happen to her? she sounds like how i acted as a teenager after i was abused. i never told my parents what happened i just acted out, i felt like i needed to take control of every thing because it was taken away from me, maybe her acting out is a cry for help because she dosnt know how to deal or confront her inner issues. just a thought, i wish you the best and hope things turn around for you, and her sake. god bless