!! Thank Need Advice on Something My Best Friend Is doing....HELP!

My best friend and I have daughters one year apart, and they are both into the boyfriend years now...
My daughter speaks to me openly about everything, and so does her duaghter. She just isn't comfortable talking to her own mom, but I always tell her that if I feel she is in danger or something is wrong I need to tell her mom, and she is okay with that as long as I dont spill all the beans. lol
Anyway...I would be very short and sweet with her, and explain that you are in control, and your daughters sex life or lack there of if a private matter, discussed between mother and daughter, and tell her she should pay more attention to her own child!
If she is as good of a friend as you think she is, she will understand and back off, and if not, then I guess you find out who your friends are when the cards are all out on the table!
Good luck

You are absolutely correct in shutting down these questions. I think you have tried the PC (politically correct) approach and it is now time for some tough love with your friend.

I would sit her down, look her in the eye and have a TRUE heart to heart with her. Let her know that the line of questioning is not only inappropriate, it is also offensive. Remind her of your previous attempts to gently redirect the conversations and let her know that it has to end. Maybe she doesn't realize how the questioning is coming across. Put the heat to her and ask her something like "Jane, your constant questioning about my daughter has me worried, is there something you are trying to tell me, maybe something you feel I should know?" When she says no, then sternly nip it in the bud.

I agree with Leslie S. I would definetly tell her that your daughters sex life, or lack of, is not open for discussion. Tell her you appreciate her concern, but you have it covered.
Now, if she is looking for advise because she has a daughter, than tell her you are willing to offer her some advise and parenting tips if she needs them.

Maybe your friend isn't getting any and is trying to live vicarously through your daughter's youth! idk! What a WEIRD thing to ask of you! I would ask her point black "what's the deal!? Why do you want to know so much? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't want our friendship to be like that."

I think what you wanted to say was appropriate and tactful. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. Seriously, your friend is rude. You shouldn't even have to talk about what you are doing to ensure that your daughter is doing the right. By the way, you sound like an awesome mom and I think you are doing a great job with communicating with her.

Have you asked her why she's so interested? Ask her if she knows something that you don't. Then say that you've told her all you know. As a best friend, she should know when she has overstepped her boundary. Maybe she just thinks that just because you tell her everything as your best friend, she has the right to know everything about your daughter. She's not your daughter's best friend and your daughter has the right to her privacy. How would your daughter feel if she finds out that you have been telling your best friend everything about her? At this point, you can also tell your best friend that you are happy that your daughter is confiding in you right now but if she knows that you are telling people about her personal business, she won't trust you anymore. I'm sure your daughter will thank you for asking your best friend to back off. Like it or not, if it comes to losing a best friend vs losing your daughter's trust, I would rather lose the best friend because gaining back a daughter's trust and respect may take a lifetime if not ever.

I would also ask your daughter how she feels about the situation and if you should talk to your friend about it. Your daughter may have good input about the situation and have good suggestions.

Good luck. You sound like a good mom and I hope your friend will respect that about you.

I'm going to take the more positive and perhaps optimistic approach and say that she is scared about how she will handle her daughter's first serious boyfriend and is trying to learn from your experience with your daughter.

Honestly, I think the next time it happens I would just say to her that one of the things that makes your relationship with your daughter successful is trust and part of that trust is that your daughter trusts you not to tell all of your friends about her private business. Since you don't want to breach your daughter's trust and perhaps cause her to no longer confide in you, you would prefer to not discuss her private life anymore.

Good luck,
K.

WOW - If she is your best friend, maybe she just feels a special tie to your daughter, none the less, if you are uncomfortable with her asking such questions, you need to say something. I also feel that it is inappropriate for her to be asking such questions. It is really none of her business, and if you want her to know you will volunteer the information. The way I see it, you have 2 options, you can invite her to lunch (or whatever it is that you guys like to do together) and hit the situation head on and just come right on out and tell her that it is bothering you, that you love her and value her friendship but you don't wan that to be the topic of every conversation and that when you are ready to talk about it or have something to talk about in regards to that - you will. OR you can wait until you are together again and when she brings it up you can then tell her you don't want to talk about that or whatever you feel to be appropriate at the time. None the less, you need to let her know. She will never know that it bothers you if you do not tell her! It would not be fair to hold resentment against her when you have not even expressed your feelings to her. She is not a mind reader. If she is truly your best friend, then you should be able to express your feelings to her. She may get defensive or might have her feelings hurt at first. But I think that she will eventually get over it if she does have that reaction.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business and I really think it’s inappropriate of you to keep making this a main focus in your life. We have it under control and neither my daughter nor I feel comfortable with you asking things that are private matters.”

There you go. Tell her just that. She is overstepping her bounds. I had a person living across the street that did this to me and my saving grace was her move to Hawaii, thank you, Marine Corps.
You have to step up and claim your space. The next step is your sex life with your husband. I had to distance myself form this toxic person in my life before the move.

I think Karen B. is way too optimistic (though that's a really nice trait in a person). I think your friend is a nosy, gossipy control freak, and any blunt thing you say to her will be well-deserved.

Asking this question once is normal among friends, asking ad nauseam is bizarre.

Sorry, no offense, but she sounds like a plain, old fashioned SNOOP.
I've got a nephew who has his first "real" girlfriend. I don't ask my sister if they make out, if they're having sex, etc. I mean, what could I do about it even if they were? I certainly wouldn't enlist my kids to find out.
Your friend seems a little overly zealous about finding "information" about your daughter that really isn't any of her business. If you want to confide in her about something, that's up to you, but the constant questioning after what you've tried to say politely would get on my nerves too.
Next time she brings it up, you can tell her, "You know....I'm beginning to think there isn't much to our friendship anymore beyond you questioning me about my daughter and her boyfriend. I'm not feeling very comfortable about that. I'd like to think there are still other things we can talk about."
That might give her a subtle hint.
If it doesn't work, there's nothing wrong with you just coming right out and saying that your daughter's intimate life simply isn't any of her business and you're NOT going to discuss it with her.
I have an acquaintance, won't call her a friend, I know her through some other people. She always asks the most inapproapriate questions. How much money doesn your husband make? You got new kitchen floors? How much did that cost? You flew to Florida for a funeral? How much did that cost? Your husband bought you an anniversay ring? How much was it? Your kids got new bedroom furniture? How much was it? Never seen that sweater before...how much did you pay for it?
I've joked that people should just put price tags on everything so maybe she'll quit asking. It's not like she's a financial planner or CPA, she's just a nosey snoop who is completely centered on what other people pay for things. Don't ask me why.

As for your friend, I might just be kind of blunt with her.
Especially if it's to the point where she's focused on it and worried about it more than you are.

It sounds to me like you have covered the bases with your daughter and her boyfriend and beyond that, things can be private family matters. If you said something to your friend, who's to say she wouldn't repeat it to her daughter and her daughter would repeat it to someone else and that's how a bunch of rumors and things get started that really aren't necessary.
I'm not saying that would happen, but there are many ways we have to consider protecting our kids. Protecting them from a snoop is one of them.

Just my opinion, and no offense intended.
Best wishes.

Okay, after reading your post I would just plainly tell her that it is none of her business on how you handle your daughter and her boyfriend, and what your daughter does or doesn't do with her boyfriend. And please! please! tell her that curiosity killed the cat!!! :)
Explain to her that you "DO NOT" want her to be asking your daughter any kind of personal questions, and that you don't want her to make your daughter more curious than what she is at her age!.
You just have to sit down with her and say it like it is. There is no going around the bushes here, you have to be firm, honest and yet tactful.
Blessings

Personally, I understand asking one time, but obsessing over your daughter and her boyfriend is weird in a creepy way.

The next time she brings it up, you can just say, "well there really isn't anything more on that subject I want to talk about, so what's happening at your job these days?" If she continues, look her straight in the eye, smile, and say, "seen any good movies lately?" Next time, "excuse me, I need to use the restroom" In other words, after one polite request to change the subject, just ignore it, she'll get the hint. Yes, it sounds completely like gossip to me, and highly annoying. I would suggest you warn your daughter to be careful talking to your friend's daughter, as her Mom seems to take an interest talking about very personal matters of others. Reassure your daughter that you don't care for gossip, and when you get together with your friend, you aren't at all going to be discussing her business.

You said it best yourself. I don't think this woman will get it until you stop her in her tracks. So say what you quoted above:
"I don’t think that’s any of your business and I really think it’s inappropriate of you to keep making this a main focus in your life. We have it under control and neither my daughter nor I feel comfortable with you asking things that are private matters.”

This would be my EX FRIEND. Why would you even submit yourself to hanging out with her after the initial weirdness? You should say exactly what you thought of saying at dinner. Life is too short to deal with people like this and especially for your daughter to have to deal with YOUR friend being like this. Good Luck with this one!

I know you have already responded, but I agree with you and most of the other moms that this is out of line and a little wierd. It sounds like she is the type that thrives on gossip, and your daughter in her happy well adjusted relationship isn't enough gossip for her, so she is turning it into something it isn't.

I also think maybe she is suspicious of her own daughter and projecting that onto yours. Maybe she thinks her daughter is doing all the things she is saying about yours, and if your daugher is doing them too, it makes her feel better as a parent.

I agree, saying exactly what you said above would perfect, and hopefully shut her weird curiosity down. Good luck, it sounds like you are really lucky with your own relationship with your daughter.

If she's a friend, she will respect your daughters' growth and you can accept her good intentions.