Terrible Two's?? - Burbank,CA

K.,

I have 3 boys (16, 16 and 5) and they can be a handful sometimes. My advice at this time would be to take a look at how often you or your husband (or son's father) say NO! to him. Or if he is cared for by someone else. Little ones, at that age especially, are sponges and imitates his parents or caregivers. Anytime you want to change what he is doing Do Not shout NO! (THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU DON'T SHOUT NO! IF HE IS RUNNING TOWARD THE STREET OR PUTTING HIMSELF IN DANGER.)Instead remove him from whatever is going on and give a choice of what would be better to do. IE: saying why don't you play with this puzzle or this book? Or you could play or read with him.

I would not avoid play dates as that will make it even harder for him to socialize. What you need to do the next time you go to one is keep your eye on your son at all times. Be ready to praise him for good behavior and give him your attention if he seems to want it. If no one is playing with him maybe get down and do a puzzle together. A child at some point will come over and want to join in. Slowly get up and let them play but still be on the ready to help if any fighting over a toy begins. At that age I would usually take away the toy that was the problem unless they could agree on other toys. If he is not getting attention when he is behaving, he will learn that fighting over a toy will get your attention fast. Until your son learns to get along with others you need to not get engrossed in conversations with other moms at play dates (I know how easy that can be). Put your focus on your son to help intervene before there is a problem.
Read a chapter or two on Two's (maybe other mom's have some), talk about it with the other mom's you get together with. You might be surprised in the problems that they have had to deal with .

Remember to stay calm, be loving, patient and you will both get through this time.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

Hey K.,
You have gotten some great advice already.
I just real quick wanted to reiterate and say that if he is starting preschool, i would have MORE play dates, not less. It's okay, other moms have all gone through the same thing and understand. (and if they haven't yet, they will!) My sweet, darling, perfect little girl went through a nasty phase at about 18 months and we swore she had been invaded by the devil, but it gets better. Don't worry.
I would just make sure you keep doing what you are doing when you expose him to other kids and keep a close eye on the way you interact with others. Maybe make a point of (with your hubby or a friend) role modeling sharing and shaking hands and showing how nice and fun it is to be friendly and share and all that kind of thing!
:)
Good luck!
S.
www.MomsOnAMission.US

I like Eve M's advice. Calm, love and empathy are the best approaches. Punishment, ignoring, indifference, scolding/lecturing and even too much imposing "redirection" is harmful at his age. Your son is a normal, HONEST toddler.:-) Just think of his "No" as a strong opinion or aversion. Grabbing a toy just means, "I want that (and I'm expectedly the center of the universe, so I should have it)." I read a lot of empathy in your words. Explaining to the other children that he has a hard time sharing is the perfect response. In some cases, I don't think he should be expected to share. Toddlers have to reach a certain level of security in the environment and people around, in order to share. Manners aren't indicative of a child's value system; they are indicative of "training." His emotional health and your bond with him is the #1 thing you need to nurture at his age. His feeling UNDERSTOOD by you, and knowing you are ALWAYS forgiving and welcoming, are what will secure that bond.

Make sure your daycare doesn't use the "1-2-3 Timeout" approach: Operant Conditioning, just like puppy training. It can really be humiliating and harmful to self-esteem - especially in an early learning environment - to be separated from the group and treated as "bad." The way it's done so often is no better than shouting "I don't like you!" at a small child. It's unfortunately very overused. Check out this wonderful site: http://www.handinhandparenting.org Someone here directed me to it and I LOVE it.

Take Care,

J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

Hi

I am a mother of 2 and my son, the youngest, will be 2 in a couple of weeks. Honestly, I truly think that at this age they are too young to have too many playdates. My guess is your child picked up this behavior from other children and because he saw other children act this way, why shouldn’t he? Children this age love to mimic and they certainly do not know right from wrong. Your son is not being intentionally mean. He just doesn’t know how to handle what he is feeling. He wants to be around other children, but at the same time he wants his space. For a 2 year old that is very confusing! He handles it the only way he knows how and his first feeling is frustration. He displays his frustration by pushing and saying “No”. The best way to handle this is to be consistent with how you teach him. When he is pushing another child, remove him from that situation, explain to him that it is “not o.k.” to push and that if he does it again you will take him home and MEAN IT!

Also, children at this age don’t understand the concept of “sharing” and I think that is a really hard concept to teach. When your child is playing with other children and another child wants his toy say “When you are done playing with your toy can they play with it next?” If your child takes another toy from another say “When they are done playing with it then it will be your turn but you need to give it back right now”. A child will not typically understand at first and you just have to be patient. If he takes toys, explain and be consistent.

By the way, you shouldn't pass up on playdates. That's sending a message that he is being punished thus avoiding opportunity to learn HOW to play appropriately. Just keep a real close eye on him and be more involved with what he is playing with. Get down on the floor, climb up onto the slide, etc!! It can be tons of fun!

Like I said your son is not being intentionally mean. They are too young to even realize that there is such a thing as being “mean” like a 5 year old may understand. He just needs you to teach him right from wrong. Be patient with him and don’t get mad. Just know that what your child is going through is perfectly normal but with your love, guidance and patience he will learn.

Good luck!