Telling a Child Daddy Is Not Their Biologial Father

I was adopted by my step fater. My mom just told me calmly and just in an I am explaining to you tone. she told me the story of how she met my biological father and then just said he had some problems and wasn't ready to be a dad, but that me being happy was all that was important so my "dad" ( I adore my step dad) wanted me to be part of his family so much that he wanted a judge to write a law just for me ( I was 5 at the time) saying we were a family. Hope this helps

My mom informed me that my dad was not my biological father when I was in 7th grade. In my opinion, she waited a little too long. I was disappointed that I had all these other relatives that I didn't know about but knew about me.

I ended up meeting my biological father and biological grandparents, aunts, cousins a few years later. It was nice. I look a lot like my bio father and it was nice to see the resemblance.

Just offer as much information to him as you can about what happened. Also, let him know its okay if he has questions. My mom and I have not spoken about this since she told me, but it would be nice to hear the story of what happened. She is not a very open person. I have heard some info from my grandma and other family.

Good luck!

I suggest that you go to premarital counseling to make sure this marriage lasts, if you decide to marry, and if you guys break up, do not date any more men until your son grows up. It sounds like you had two bad guys in your life already, that have hurt your kids. I am not trying to be rude, but there is a reason women pick bad men, and if you think that you just had bad luck with men, then you really, really need to figure out why you have been in so many bad relationships for your sake and your kids. There are already 3 fathers in 8 years. This is a bad track record and makes me really sad for you and your kids.

I know lots of people that have been through several marriages and they always think that they just picked a bad guy, when I on the outside am seeing that their kids have no stability and the women are a bit blind to their own mistakes. And these are good women, but still blind.

Oh, I wished you had told him the truth earlier, way earlier. It is important to tell him as soon as you can and in as positive a way that you can.

I am adopted and I was told that I was adopted so early that I don't remember when they first told me. My parents said that my birth mother loved me so much that she wanted the best parents/ life for me and I grew up believing that with my whole heart.

You will need to find a positive spin on this for your son to hold on too. He needs to feel that there is permanance in his life. Will your ex husband still see him or is he out of your son's life? You need to make sure that your son knows there is a 'forever' dad presence in his life. You don't want to teach your son that men come and go throughout a person's life.

Good luck.

I think you need to have a good sit down talk with your son and calmly explain his relationships with the men in his life. I had a son in a situation where he had known his bio dad but didn't know that he was his father. For reasons of my own I felt it was better for him not to know. At age fifteen something came up and he had to be told. That was much more devastating for him than if I had been honest in the first place. It may not be easy for you to tell him about his father and the ways he's related to each man in his life, but as he is getting older he's going to begin to put certain things together and try to figure it out on his own. What he comes up with for answers may be more harmful than the truth is for him. Don't expect one sit down to resolve all his issues. You'll need to keep on being supportive and ready to answer hard questions, but in the long run it will be worth the effort and emotional trial that you'll go through.

The sooner you explain it, the better. I was 9 when my mother sat me down with my baby book and told my dad wasn't my father. I took it in stride. I was too young to take it too seriously; I was secure in my family. I knew my dad loved me and had always been there for me and always would. An older child will question everything, who they really are, where they come from, etc etc. show him photos and explain to him who his biological father and that your fiancee loves him and while he cannot be his biologial father, he loves him and wants to be his dad. I hope this was helpful!

I don't think you need to put labels on things. You have a great situation, in that your fiance wants to adopt your son and your son wants to be adopted by him. Perfect!

I think when your son asks questions, you should answer them simply and truthfully, but don't say anything until he asks. And I guess you realize that explaining "biological" entails explaining sex to him.

Your son has a dad (your fiance). I don't think you have anything to worry about. Now get that adoption (and wedding) underway.

p.s. When you explain anything to him, please avoid the use of the word "real." You know who's the "real" dad? The man who's there and loving your son, and who your son loves back.

both of my girls are adopted and we've been upfront since the beginning..but when my oldest started having some identity issues and acting out we went to a child therapist for me and for her to make sure we deal with helping her in a healthy way....it was only a couple of months but it really helped.....you might want to check into that....The most important thing for your son is to know that you and your new husband as well as the old husband LOVE and WILL always CARE for him. That will never change and you all will always be with him no matter what.

I would tell him about his biological father in a positive light....saying that he knew he could not be a good father and cared for him so much that is why he is not in the picture..or something like that.

but a therapist is great to help out...dont' be afraid to go.

Seems like the two responses you have already received are the extreme opposites. One accuses you of lying, the other has personal experience with being somewhat traumatized.

I would think that, if you have a good relationship with your son, and he already has confusion about his sisters, this is the perfect time--both because of his age and the changing situation in your family--to discuss ALL the ways people can be family. He is old enough to know/learn some very basic "where do babies come from" stuff, so without going too deeply into sexuality, you can explain that his body got 'made' by you and another father. This person gave him his body heritage, so there may be things about his body and personality as he grows up that don't seem to match others in his family, and those are probably things that let him know something about his bio-dad. Tell him whatever wonderful things you can remember about his bio-dad, whatever made you want to be sexual with him and have a baby with him in the first place. Don't get into much about why you aren't with him anymore.

Then you can also describe the relationship he has with your ex-husband as a "life dad", someone who thinks of him as a son, and always has, so he can love him and keep calling him "Dad" since that is who has been there for him and helped him grow up.

Talking about your new husband can be more about how a new family comes together and sees itself as one strong thing. Your son is really old enough to be part of the decision about whether he is adopted or not, so you may want to get together as a family with a family therapist who works with blended families to help your son see why you and your fiance want to do this and help him make the choice without a lot of emotional pressure one way or the other. Maybe include your ex in the discussion at some point.

Ultimately, the goal is to make your son know that he is so lucky because he has THREE fathers and not just one. And that he is loved and supported.

It is best to tell your son now. Just make sure that it is not when you are angry over something he has done or not done. If he should ask about how he has other sisters you can sit down and explain to him in a kid manner how this is.

I say this because we adopted our son at 6 weeks old and every time I wanted to tell him (about 9 to 11) he would do something off just at the time I wanted him to know he had another mom and dad. One day he asked if he had any other parents because we had friends that he called mom and dad and we said that yes he did and went on to explain it to him. He never got upset or angry at us just happy to know that there were others. To this date he has not tried to find them (now 36).

Just always tell him that you love him no matter what.

Good luck to you and your upcoming marriage. The other S.

Be honest and now. My best friend found out in her 30s that her dad wasn't her biological dad. She had gone to a family reunion and someone told her her dad (biological) was really ill ... long story short, she ended up meeting her biological dad and it was a hugely dramatic deal that ended up with her and her parents never talking again.

Better to be honest. I would write out your key points on a piece of paper so you convey things clearly.

I suggest you check out the Adoptive Families website and/or magazine.

Although you did not adopt your son, I think you would find it useful. There is a lot of information on how to talk with children of various ages regarding complex personal and family histories. It will offer you some ideas about what kind of language to use.

It has helped us communicate with ALL of our sons, not just the one we adopted.

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/

Maybe start by telling him how most boys only have one dad and he has two. Then, after you break the news to him that his biological dad is actually someone else, make sure to emphasize that he is so very lovable that he has two other dads who love him.

I think that you should not proceed with an adoption until you tell him the truth. It could be confusing that someone else can be his "real" father when he thinks he already has one. I think you could just tell him that you had a relationship with his father, John Smith, but that his father could not take care of him and you decided not to stay together. Then you married husband A and he loved him and wanted to be a part of your family. Mommy and Daddy didn't get along and now you are marrying husband B. I personally think he's too young to know about half siblings, but if they are a part of your life I guess you have to deal with them.

Hi K., I cant imagine having to go through this, and im pretty sure it would be difficult to know what to do, but I think that you should definetly tell him. The question is, when to do it....You dont want to tell him to young, and not understand what you are telling him, and you dont want to tell him when he is too old, and resent you for not telling him sooner. It all depends on your son, is he a pretty intelligent individual...do you thingk that at the age of 8 years old, he would completely understand the situation...I personally think 10 is a good age to tell him... but like I said it all depends on him I guess...
P.S.
You mentioned that he knows he has siblings by his biological father, and he is confused on how that is...therefore, yeah, I think you should wait a little longer. Hope this helps...

If u think he is old enough and if u think he could handle it.I think it would be the best to tell him the truth before he finds out some way.He might want to know who his real father is.My mom took that from me.My mom had me thinkin my brother and sissters dad was my father.Then i was ease dropin and found out that i had a different dad.So i was up set that she didn't tell me.I know she may have had her reasons but i still would have like to known my dad or even meet him.I don't know much bout him.I think it is important that u tell your kids and let them know.Don't hide it from them.Cause they will find out and some will be mad from not telling them.

Your question also asks how to explain this in an unconfusing way. I agree with the suggestion of telling him the story of you and his biological father. Maybe draw up a family tree type thing for him so he can visually understand the different people in his life. Start with immediate family and maybe he will ask about other grandmas, cousins, etc. If you have lost track you can fill in the missing parts together.

I have only recently seen family trees for maternal and paternal sides and the confusion is 3 and 4 generations ago. Maybe you could draw a family tree together with your son.

Just tell him the truth. There is no easy way, and he will be angry, he has a right to be. After all, you have been lying to him for 8 years. I would think about getting him in to see a councilor so he has someone "safe" to talk to after you tell him, he may need that. This will not be easy, but the sooner you tell him about this lie, the sooner you can begin to rebuild your relationship.

Why is this an issue? Is it a legal thing? If bio isn't involved and has no power in the situation, why bring it up? The only reason to talk about non-involved bio-dad is if someone would spring it on your son suddenly. If this isn't going to happen, than just let your fiance adopt him when you're married.

I speak from experience. My father is not my bio-dad. Bio left before I was born. I was told around the age of 10, but I had also noticed that my birthday and parent's anniversary were not 9 months apart. It didn't destroy my life, but it does cause some grief, strife, soul searching, etc. So if it is necessary legally, or due to family communication and it coming up, tell him in simple terms, but if it's just a fact that you know about and will have no impact other than being in your head, I don't know if he needs the info.

Hello! In my opinion, you should have sat down and told him already. I don't agree with not telling him unless a situation comes up where he may need his biological father for something, such as blood, or transplant, or anything like that...God forbid. You obviously never want to think about things like that, but it does happen. Speaking from experience, for 16 years of my life I thought my 2 younger sisters father was my father as well. Come to find out, my cousin told me when I was 16 that he wasnt in fact my biological father. I was absolutely devastated. After all, this man took my Mom and 2 daughters in when I was 2 weeks old, my older sister was 18 months old. We ALWAYS thought he was our father. When it came time for me to actually have a say in things, I wanted to find my biological father, I wanted to know what happened with him and my Mom, his side anyway...seeing as they always say there's 2 sides to every story. I was finally developing a "friendship" with him, as I always told myself I didn't need another father, I already had my Dad. By the time I started to get to know him, it was too late. He was very ill and he ended up dying shortly after I met him. I have a half-brother from my Father and his 2nd wife, that I don't even know. And it's heartbreaking because he knows stories and things about my father that I would like to know. But because of his crazy Mother's lies, he wants nothing to do with me, my sister, or our kids :( I hope sharing my story with you helps you in making your decision! Take care, and good luck!!

I would think that since he is experiencing you changing spouses (not meaning to be negative in any way) it would be easier for him to understand that there has been 3 key men in your life and he was born while you were with the first one. and his sisters were born when his father was with another woman. If it helps show him with maps on paper or draw pictures/symbols to cut out and move around.