This is one of my many dilemmas. Last week i told my almost 16 yr old daughter to clean her room. Half an hour later i checked on her and she was online. I made her get off and i gave her specific directions as to what needed to be done in her room. 30 mins. later i checked on her again and she was online again. I took her modem away and repeated my insructions and left to give my 3yr old a bath. i checked on her again and she was in bed sleeping! I turned on the light and made her get up and as soon as i left the room she went back to bed. I am so tired of this and i have 2 other kids and a husband to deal with so i can't stand behind her the whole time. The next morning i refused to drive her to school and she had a whiny fit and started to yell at me! After she left i tried to go online to access our insurance info for a claim FOR HER and the usb cables were missing! That was Friday. I picked her up from school only b/c she is in the band and they had a game and it was too late for her to walk home alone. All weekend long we had the same battle and her room is still a mess although i do see some small patches of floor here and there where she made some sort of effort, who am i kidding? This is just one of many issues lately. I have tried many things and they don't work. Lossof priviledges, no rides to school loss of allowance, and short of standing in her face until she completes it everything has failed. Any ideas? She has also started to talk back and belittle the family. I know she's a teenager and they change drastically at this age but this is unacceptable behavior. I was prepared for some rebellion but not like this. Help?!
Thanks for the ideas. Alot of them have been tried and have failed. It's as though she just doesn't care. I take her to school and once a week we leave early and have breakfast together just the two of us and thats when we talk. I know she isn't involved with drugs or anything and she doesn't go anywhere where there isn't an adult chaperone nearby and b/c there isn't public transportation so i have to drive her everywhere anyway. She doesn't bathe her sister i do everything where my 3 yr old is concerned. I don't even have her babysit unless absolutly necessary(i have doc appt,etc.)The only chore she has is her room and laundry and 3x a week she does dishes or garbage. Most of her free time is taken up by band and colorguard. Then she comes home grouchy and complains about everything with a vengenge. The only thing i require in her room is no laundy on the floor, no garbage laying around and her clean clothes folded/hung and put away. She has dirty dishes which isn't allowed to have in her room anyway and when she does do her laundry she throws the clean clothes in a tight ball on her closet floor. I'm going to try a few of your ideas in maybe a combination. I have offered to help but she says i'm invading her room and i have also made a writtn list and tacked it to her door. as far as not driving her to school i just wanted her to know how it felt when someone didn't do what was expected and how it effects everyone else.
Have you asked her why she won't clean her room? If its a huge mess, she might feel overwhelmed. Maybe offer (or insist) that you'll help - or help her get started with it. Sometimes that doesn't work I know, but its always a good thing to try first b/c sometimes a teen can actually work things out civilly once you get them thinking they have pointed themselves in the right direction. Good luck!
HI, I do believe in choosing your battles as the other moms had said, however, this is about more than the room. You told her to do something and she made a decision NOT to do what you said. This will carry over into dating or hanging out with friends. You tell her to be home at a certain time and she again will make the decision not to do it. We have a 16 y/o son and when he 'forgot' who was parent and who was the child, my husband stripped his room down to a mattress on the floor. No chairs, no tv, no video games, no football no nothing. It may seem extreme and I admit we had to do it a couple times, but we felt that we needed to get him to respect authority (us, police, teachers, etc) now or we would be in trouble down the line. Also, we NEVER allow the computer in the bedroom. It's out in the living room. Hang in there....I think that's why the good Lord made them so adorable as babies....'cause he knew they would drive us crazy during the teen years!
I was a lot the same when I was growing up, and letting the room stay messy isn't a fix for the rebellious behavior, and disrespect. I think she should have to be made to clean her room. I am now a single mom with two young boys, and they learn to clean up after themselves, ALL THE TIME. I don't let it go, I don't tell them we can do it later, and I never will. I think it's important that the respect you demand is given to you from your daughter as it should be. I don't know what types of privileges she has at this age, like TV, Computer, going out with friends, etc. But it would ALL end until she listened. I am a VERY strict mother, and I know that sometimes you have to do things to get your point across. If you go in and tell her to clean her room, and she gets online, I think taking the modem away was a VERY good idea...when she gets in bed after that, that's tricky. I would pour a glass of freezing cold water on her...but that's me...I do whatever works to get the respect I know I am deserved. My situation is different than yours though because I have two boys, no daughters, and my sons are very young. But I ended up living in group homes because I was such an out of control teen...and I often told my parents I wouldn't do something by either telling them to their face, or by showing them I didn't care what they said by doing something different. Either way, it wasn't the right thing to do. I wouldn't let her leave her room, even to go to the bathroom until that room was clean. I tell you, I am kinda oldschool when it comes time to get my point across, or time for punishment, I want it to stick in their head, that if they choose to defy me, or disrespect me, they will have it in for themselves...and they will wish they never had done those things. I wouldn't just take her privileges away until she gets her room clean either, I would take them away for a week. A solid week of no computer, TV, friends, etc would probably get your point across. And if she just tries to go to bed, drag her out, and make her do chores around the house. Being a mom of 3, I am sure there has to be plenty to do in your household!
Anyway, there's my two cents...and then some!
A.
Go to www.parentingtools.org. Brad Schwall is a family counselor and director of Homeworks, a program for kids. He has some wonderful advice regarding all sorts of issues. I recommend you visit the website and pose your question to him and see what he advises. This is a very difficult phase of life for your daughter. I think if my girls give me half the problems I gave my mother as a teenager, I'm in BIG trouble. There's a way to get to her...but also a way for you to find her triggers and buttons, as well as your own. Contact Brad at the website. I don't think you'll be disappointed.
Hello J.,
I am going to reply to you as a person who had it out with her own mother. I was really screaming for attention but my mom just punished me for everything I did. Nothing I did was ever right for her, even though most of the time I was not.
Speak to her like a YOUNG adult. She is too old to be spoken to like a child and too young to be an adult. Let her have some say on certain things, like how she keeps her room. If she wants a dirty room then fine, BUT do not go in there and pick up her clothes to wash them. She'll learn soon enough that placing her clothes in the laundry basket or room will insure her of clean clothes for the week. She needs to take responsibility for that. Also, take the computer out of her room and into a public area; ie. living room, family room, or den. Punishing her by not taking her to school will eventually lead up to skipping school, and that is a whole other problem you don't want to deal with. Try not to use that as punishment. Pick your battles but play it smart. Also, she is not wanting to bathe the you 3 year old because she is thinking that she is should not be responsible for that chore. Maybe she shouldn't but that is a discussion that you should have with her let her know what you need from her by telling her not demanding and ask her what she needs from you. when you talk with her you need to be calm and get her when she is calm. Ask her out on a date to a lunch or dinner. Also see if she needs more time with you away from the others. Perhaps a couple times a month you and she can do mom and oldest alone time. She is probably doing what I did and is just SCREAMING!!! for attention.
Remember one last thing, if you just moved here from Chicago she might be resenting that. She misses her friends, maybe. Be sensitive to that issue. Reassure her that she will be fine and encourage her to get involved.
I hope some of this helps. Good Luck and let us know how it is going.
S.
I would sit down and talk to her and try and be on her level..You said you were new to DFW (originally from Chicago)..Ask questions (all kinds), if your new to DFW, then I am guessing she is too,and its a hard age to move when you are that old and having to make new friends (especially in highschool)..You have gotten some great advice from alot of women who have or who have had teenagers..I don't have any teenagers, but I am not far from my teenage yrs..Just make sure there's nothing wrong emotionally before you go tearing down the walls, it will only make it worse. She might just need to let some things out and doesn't know how, or afraid to unless you initiate it...Your a great mom, and I know you will take everyone's advice and put it into a positive.
I don't have a teenager yet, but those days will come. I do, however, remember my teenage years VERY well, and you couldn't pay me enough money to relive them. There is definitely more going on here than simple disobedience. I can tell you that when I was a teenager, there were significant issues going on. I was depressed because of those issues, and depression can literally render you incapable of performing the most basic activities.
The one thing I didn't read in any of the other responses is the matter of respecting her. Yes, your the mom and the adult, but that doesn't strip her of the right to be respected as a person. Which means that you have to open up the communication channels and let her know that she can come to you. My guess is that she's dying to talk, but doesn't feel like your open to that. Your in a new town - she's probably missing her friends "back home". Maybe she's experiencing some peer pressure at school with things that she doesn't want to participate in. She could very well be suffering from depression (particularly if she's sleeping more than usual or at odd hours).
Please don't shut her out just because she won't clean her room. Find out what's going on with her first - then determine the best course of action. Don't assume anything - good luck.
HI! Where are you located ???? Give me a call tomorrow - I have 18 yr old son - 16 yr old daughter - 27 mon old son and 11 mon old son.....###-###-####
Teri
I completely understand!!!! I have a 17 year old step Daughter that lives with us full time and a 14 year old step daughter (doesn't live full time with us anymore)
I tried many thngs being nice being mean nothing seemed to work.
One day I got so fed up with it I went in her room and cleaned it myself. I threw everything in garbage bags (about 4 of them) When she whined about it and threw a fit when she couldn't find something. I kept the bags of stuff from her for about three days. I gave her one bag at a time back. Until she either put it away or threw it away. she tried hiding it under her bed or in her closed and I would take it away again for longer. It took awhile but when she realized I wasn't going to give in it finally worked. Grantite her room is still not spotless but at least I can walk in it without getting sick at the mess.
I hope this helps you as well as it did for me.
J.
I have a daughter the same age with the same problem. Our fix was to allow the bedroom to look like whatever she wanted it to, as long as the door stays shut, at some point, our daughter decided she couldn't stand it anymore and cleans it on her own. She is also required to hold a part-time job of at least 20 hours per week in order to be able to pay for gas and a payment on the car that we bought her. If she doesn't work, she rides the bus (considered very embarassing). A doctor once told me to choose which battles were of extreme importance and only fight those and all the others will soon correct themselves. I am not sure how true that statement is, but so far it has worked for us. Our daughter still has a smart mouth sometimes, it's funny, my hearing doesn't work for some reason when she talks like that. I don't respond until spoken to properly. I hope this helps. Goodluck and stay strong.
S.
I agree wholeheartedly with Sherry - pick your battles! Clean rooms are (truly) overrated. And jobs are a necessary part of being a teenager, I think.
The bigger thing I would do if I were you is to remove the computer from her room. Put it in the family room, or somewhere else where it is "public" - too much danger these days in kids being online unsupervised. Good luck! S.
J.,
oh do i feel your pain! i have an 11 yr old doing this to me even when she was still 10!! i pray you can get it under control. Your email was a reminder that i am not alone. The advice you have rec'd sounds like it will work. I'm going to try it too. Good luck!
J.
I learned that if you can find her currency...whatever that might be you can RULE the WORLD! No really you can teach her to rule her world. I tell my daughter that she has all the power in our relationship. I have 5 kids total and 2 are teenagers so this works for me. Everything starts coming to me when things aren't getting done...cell phone, computer,phone, rides, friends. I think right now she's just testing you to see how far you'll go. I no longer have screaming matches with my 16 year old. You do what I ask or I do nothing for you until it's done. If she starts yelling and screaming I go away. I'll either walk outside or go to my bathroom and lock the door. I also act as if I just don't care. If it gets to be too much...then I'll tell her she's about to be grounded. She's extremely social and we always seem to have a house full of friends so to cut her off from that seems like torture. There's got to be something that your teen would give her right arm for...now you just have to figure out what it is!
I think you've gotten some GREAT advice here. The issue IS respect and compiance.
How about this. Sit her down in the kitchen over a bowl of ice-cream and tell her about the day she was born. Just sit down and talk to her like she's an adult. Work your way into a discussion about responsibilites and her role in your home.
Ask her what she thinks it should be. Try to mold her expectations around your own (not the other way around) and come to an agreement. Don't forget,this is negotiation to YOUR advantage, not hers. Try not to get into a heated discussion or battle it out. You've done that and it isn't working. I used to teach middle school and high school kids and did stuff like this all of the time. They want to be treated like adults, even though they don't have a clue about being one.
Give her a little inch, but don't let her take a mile.
All this said, she has to understand that you own the house. You cook the meals, clean the toilets, pay the bills. You do MORE than your share of the grunt work. You carried her for 9 months in your body. You let her live. She has to understand that you gave her the greatest gift (living) and it would be nice if she showed you a little appreciation. All you're asking is that she lend a hand here and there.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
