Please Help Need Advice

13 year olds need rules and they need you to be the adult. Put the computer in a common area of the house. If she chooses to spend her time in her room, great, give her books to read.

Definatly get the computer out of her room! It's not safe! It's also becoming an issue between you and her. She needs to learn that there are guidelines. Explain she can still use the computer for fun/social things but there is a time limit. This way you can monitor her time and weather she is doing school work or chatting. I also agree that she should be involved in some activities. Sports, art, music. Things she can do w/her friends even. Even if this starts a "screaming match" she should understand that it needs to be this way and that it will be this way. Don't give in to her because of temper tantrums. Good luck!

You should get on Hulu and watch the recent Oprah episode with Peter Walsh. The family was similar to yours - older son and younger son. The family was a mess because of all the electronics, and they did a one-week challenge in which they were all taken away.

The parents had to step up and set rules/guidelines, the brothers had to interact, and the family had to learn new priorities to really come together.

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Peter-Walshs-Stripped-Down...

Remove her computer. She is isolating. Don't punish her, something else is going on. Very likely you will need to find counseling for her; you don't know until she opens up and lets you know what is going on. Be her MOM first, friend second and person to go to bat for her third. Simply explain that it is not normal what she is doing, and that you will have her talk to her doctor (best way to get a referral) if she is not comfortable talking to you. I wish you the best of lukc, and hope for the best and pray it's not the worst.

Good luck and hope to hear what happens,
M.

I would sit down with her and set limits on the computer usage. Do whatever is the most convenient and reasonable for your situation but perhaps no computer until 7:30 and then she can be on it until bedtime or whatever works for you. If she can't abide by the limits then definitely take the computer out of the room.

Once she is away from the computer make sure you do have something worthwhile for the 3 of you to do together. If you make her come out of the room only to sit and watch TV together or with nothing to do together she will just sit and mope about not being on the computer. You need to have something planned that takes her mind off of it and lets her see that being with the family can be fun.

Good luck,
K.

I agree with a lot of the posts here. I don't think she should have a computer in her room because of garbage out there and as a mom, encourage her to get involve in activities, if she doesn't care for active sports, have her take up art, or something like that. She is not going to want to play with her sister, she's a teen and her sister is 3. Regardless how she reacts, that computer needs to out where there are traffic in the house and can be seen what she is going and there should be time limits. Also, maybe if you can, do things three evenings a week with a weekend, filled with activities and fun with both of them and that way she is out of the house and enjoying things away from the computer. Plus, she can help with her sister occasionally, like could you get the diaper bag for me please, or could you hold her coat for a few minutes or something like that. Then say, oh thank you, you're such a great helper.Now is the time for her to have rules regards to computer and does she have chores to do in the house, that could take her away from the computer for a while in the evenings and then your 3 year old will see that and do it too. :)

I think the computer should be in a common area of the house. also, you need to check her browser history, facebook account, etc. etc. There's a LOT of crud out there that teens easily find. Be vigilant! You could also look into a kid safety software that will block access to questionable sites. I think O. is called "Be Safe"?

parents need to put restrictions on kids & their technology......computers & tv's should not be in their bedroom & their should be time constraints on computer use.........and i think it's horrible that cell phones are allowed at the dinner table.........my daughter is 19 & although she lives at college when she is home she knows my rules, no cell phone at the table ...........at 13 she will NOT want to spend time with her 3 yr old sis or you, so you need to make family time,......,maybe tuesday is family night to watch a movie or play hide & seek or make sundaes, or cookies.....then thurs is her day to help you make dinner.....let her know that this isnt a punishment but just like her computer time is important to her that family time is important to you...........oh & by the way my dghtr is 14-17 yrs older than her siblings & i used to "force" her to hang out with us & she hated it, but she recently told me that she secretly enjoyed it but didnt want to tell me at that time........... set some ground rules now & it will pay off in the future

My son has an alarm clock in this room. Besides a few lamps, that is the only electrical gadget in there. The computer is out in the living room where everyone can see what everyone is doing and I only let him use the computer for a few hours a week for a few games he likes. If he has a book report or something for school to work on, no game playing is permitted until the work is completed (to my satisfaction - sloppy work means he does it again). My son would much rather read than do anything else. For his good grades, I go out of my way to get him just about any book he wants at the book store. Sometimes I have to tell him "No reading for fun" until his homework is finished. Since you've let the computer use get away from you, you're going to have a rough time getting it under control again. If you want quality time together, make sure you have something planned where everyone can participate. Maybe you can all bake a cake together or some other project. Go for walks together (3 yr old can ride in a wagon if she gets tired walking).

i would prob suggest what the others did and put the computer in a common area where you can keep an eye on what she is doing and for how long. limit the time unless for school work that she is on there. also 10 years is a HUGE age gap for a lot of kids especially a teen. it's probably going to be hard to find things that you can all do toghether that they will both enjoy. i would say maybe cook a meal together as a family or have a family pizza/game night that you can all play together. go browsing at a store or go to a park with both of them. 13 is an awkward age where parents and younger siblings tend to be pretty uncool :). i have a 15yo niece who has 4 yo brother and she stays in the computer (in the dining area) and on the phone texting ALL DAY LONG, and gives her mother grief if she is asked to do something. i really think it's the age.

This is a true story. Two 12 year old girls in my town met a 25 y/o man on My Space and chatted with him all the time. Then one day Girl 1 had a fight with her parents, she called Girl2 and they called My Space guy. He met them at a convenience store and they happily got in the car with him. A store clerk saw this and called the cops. AN Amber alert was issued with their faces all over the papers. Two days later My Space guy brought them back and dropped them off. He and his friend were later arrested for all kinds of things that I will leave to your imagination. He claimed it was all consensual, which it probably was, except for the girls ages. Well this too made the news and of course everyone knew who was involved. Both families moved to avoid the publicity.
SO what should you do? Take her computer away from her, examine each and every My SPace, Facebook, and IM that she has. Make sure you personally know everyone on her friends list. Then only allow her to use the computer in a common area, so you can keep an eye on her. She gets mad and screams? Oh well, then take it away altogether and ground her for being disrespectful.
Its really really important for her safety. Please do this NOW.

I remember staying in my bedroom all the time. I would have lived there if I could. That said...yes there also needs to be family time.

My 15 yr old spends a lot of time in her room and on her laptop as well. Most of her laptop use is homework/research related. Of course she is on social networks and I monitor that. One thing we won't do is put the spy software on our child. I just don't care for that.....I am the type to be open and honest and so far it has worked well here....not be sly and go behind her the back to spy. I would feel violated if someone was spying or going through my things so I treat my daughter with the same respect . OPEN communication about anything and everything is what we do.......

She also has internet access with her IPhone and for the most part, she is spending time with us watching TV, chatting, etc and still has her social conversations going on with her phone.

We all 3 are on the computer a lot and we just talk about how you have to balance the usage and if you can't balance, then you need to break away from it to get a grip on organizing time.

I usually don't punish by taking away the computer because for my daughter, it is a must have for her homework. When needed, we take the IPhone.

Is it possible to move the computer to a common room instead of her bedroom?

Be scared of what she might be involved in on the computer and fight the battle. Move the computer to a common area of the house ie:livingroom, kitchen, etc. where you can see what she is doing on the computer. I have friends and family in law enforcement and the horror stories of what goes on on the internet is scary! Please for your daughters sake be the overprotective mom and get involved!!!! ASAP!!!!! A.

If it's any help, that is completely normal at 13.

You can limit her computer time, and you should give her consequences if she screams about it.

However, once they reach a certain age it is normal for them to not find their family very interesting. I have found that the best times I have with my kids now that they are teens is when we go out for dinner. Then it is just us,
there are no computers or friends, and we all laugh and have a good time.

And yeah, the computer should probably not be in her room at 13. .

Hi- I didn't read all the responses but you need to take the computer out of her room and put it in a common area immediately, no matter how crazy she gets. Also is there a way to spend some time ALONE with her? That's a big age gap and while there are some things you can do all together I'm sure your oldest would enjoy and benefit from some time alone with you. Just try to keep up communication, it doesn't have to be a big deal. My 11 year old and I go for walks, window shop, cook or watch movies together. It's not just about the dangerous people and stuff online it's about too much screen time isolated in her room. Kids need lots of time interacting with family and friends in the old fashioned way. She may say she doesn't want to go at first but once you start to regularly engage her in activities and conversation I bet she enjoys it. I would try to be really strong now because it's just going to get harder as she grows up and gets even more independent.

Hi S.,
I have a 14 year old daughter. Teens can be challenging.
My daughter has a Netbook computer which she can take into her room, but she doesn't have unlimited computer time and she has to turn it in at a certain time on weeknights. She also has a lot of hobbies and activities which keep her busy.
It's normal for teens to want to spend time online. Sometimes they don't really know what else to do with themselves - they are too old to "play" and this is how they chat with friends (as opposed to hours spent on the phone when I was a teen and mom picking up the extension telling me she needed to use the phone now.)
I would be less concerned with her not wanting to spend time with the toddler and more concerned about HER - what quality activities and hobbies does she have that interest her? A 3 year old isn't a companion or playmate for her - most teenagers are not going to want to spend their time playing Candyland and watching Dora the Explorer. There really isn't much that they would have in common or activities that they would share.
I spend time with my teen by doing things that SHE likes, such as going out for coffee/tea at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. It's not my favorite activity but it's what SHE likes. Even just driving her to and from her various 4H activities and Youth Forum meetings is a way for us to spend time together and when some of the best conversations take place. We sometimes cook together to make dinner.
I would suggest finding time to spend with her WITHOUT the younger sibling. I know that may be easier said than done, but there are things that she may want to talk to you about, things going on in the teen circle, that are just not appropriate for a 3 year old's ears, and she may feel that she is constantly interrupted by a chatty or needy younger sibling (because that's just how 3 year olds are).
Focus more on HER and how she'd like to spend time with you, and remember that parenting a teen is very different than the younger ages you've already been through with her. Some desire for separation from parents is normal and healthy, and their friends become more of the focus of their life - this is normal, and part of the process of growing away from us and being ready to go away to college in a few years.
Good luck!

I have to agree! Take the computer out of her room. She does not need that kind of privacy. Nor, at thirteen does she know how to handle it. She does need the boundaries...as others posted. It does not have to start a screaming match...if you don't engage. (I know...easier said than done, but you can do it.) If you just sit down and tell her that you're doing it because you love her and you're concerned for her safety..she'll understand...later.
There's not many ways to get out of the situation without making it uncomfortable for her...what I really mean is she's probably gonna scream no matter what cuz 13 y/o are crazy...all of them.
Someone very wise told me once....once you've gone down the road from having made a bad decision...sometimes, on your next decision you no longer get to chose between good and bad...you have to choose between bad and worse. My opinion is that you ABSOLUTLY have got to take that computer out of her room. If you knew there was someone trying to harm her on the other end of it...what would you do?...well there is...and there's lots of them.

Take the computer out of the bedroom and limit her time on it. Make her earn computer time.

Sorry, computers do not belong in the bedroom. I don't know how parents and media ever started this idea when some parents won't even allow a TV in their child's room. The computer needs to be moved into the living room, family room, or another area of high traffic volume. As for playing with her sister....Come on, she's a teenager. Teenagers do not play with little kids, but you can have her help you take care of her sister once in a while. Notice I said "help you," this does not mean you leave them alone, because they may fight. You need to teach the 3 year old how to play on her own like I did when I was a kid. (My sisters are all 15+ years older than me.)

I don't think a child should have a computer in her room at 13. There is too much dangerous stuff out there on the internet and it makes the time spent on the computer too tough to monitor. Place it in a public area of your house and limit her time on it. I imagine it will result in the epic battle of the century, to put it mildly, but stay strong and calm and you can weather the storm. She will scream, she will hate you, but in the long run, she will love you even more for it.
Then try to find time at bedtime to sit on the edge of the bed and hear about her day. It may take time, but I feel sure you can reconnect, and then more time with the family will happen automatically.