Teenager Under-achiever

I like the advice that everyone is giving. I would also try manual labor. Let her know that these lazy attitudes are not going to get her anywhere. If she wants to show some motivation then the manual labor will go away. When I was younger it was wash all cars on sat morning before I could do anything. Bad grades meant that the windows, gutters, and garage were getting cleaned. They work great for my 15 year old right now too. He loves his video games!!!! You don't want her to learn the hard way. Try to make it harder now!

Have you ever had her tested for ADD? Her behavior sends off lots of signals that this is a possiblity. ADD kids are often very smart but tend to underachieve because the thought of organizing all that stuff to actually do it is overwhelming. ADD can be managed very well with behavior modification and medicine. Good luck!

Wow! I have a 16 year old male version of what you describe. I ended up enrolling him in home school on line and he isn't even passing all his classes this way. I just decided that he is old enough to find out the consequences on his own. Unfortuately, since he knows everything, he is going to be in for a very rude awakening and I believe that he'll have to learn from his won mistakes, no matter how big they are.
Good luck to you.

I too have a daughter who is a bit "lazy" and hard to motivate. Nothing seems to faze her at all. I found it very helpful to read up on Enneagrams. This is a personality typing theory that helps you understand yourself and others. You can get books on this subject from your local library. Try this website http://www.9types.com/ I'm thinking your daughter may be a type 9. They can be hard to motivate, but it helps to understand where she is coming from and why. Good luck. Sandy

I was the teenager you are describing here.
I found school to be effortless, and I always brought home B's, without studying or putting forth an effort. I was more concerned with the social side of school. Now I really wish I could have applied myself more, earned a scholarship and gotten a good college education. I think I would have thrived if only I had someone who encouraged me to go for it. I am now 35 yrs old and have no real work skills and have worked most of my life in retail. It's really hard for me, because I know that I am smarter than that and I can't get anyone to see that with my work experience. Tell your daughter that everything she does now will shape her life and what kind of living she will make. I thought I would get married and my husband would support me, and he did for many years, but we still lived paycheck to paycheck. Now he is on disability because he has M.S. and it is up to me to take care of our family's needs. Every woman should be able to support themselves because you never know what may happen down the road. Life throws you a lot of curve balls and you need to be able to adjust. Let your daughter know what you see in her and encourage her to really look into her education, college is only 4 yrs of a very long life, and it is so worth it.

HI
Don't worry too much. I had two teen daughters who were the same way. I would say most teens are close to that. My two daughters have grown to be very responsiable mothers, who are having trouble with their teens. Pay back.HAHA!!! Regardless, they are very loving children now, and would do anything for mom if I asked them too. Have faith and everything will turn out in the end. You are not alone, and I feel for you because I have been there.
Your friend M.
Grandmother 61 y.o. four children

She sounds just like my daughter when she was a teen & now shes almost 35 with 3 little ones of her own & she turned out just fine. As a matter of, I'm her best friend now. She's not the least bit lazy now, but she sure was then when it came to doing things around the house for me. She had started taking riding lessons when she was 7 yrs. old. She took them untill her teens & we had bought her a horse when she was 8, so taking care of her horse was one thing she always would do on her own. So I knew she wasn't as lazy as I had thought, as long as it was something she wanted to do. She was pretty smart in school, but she just wasn't that interested. I think your daughter is pretty typical for a teenager. Keep encouraging her but try not to let it sound like you're nagging. I'm most sure you get the "eyeroll" & the "look" from time to time...LOL. Try thinking back to when you were a teen & what thoughts and/or excuses went through your mind when being confronted with your mom or dad to do something you didn't like or want to do. Of course kids don't want to clean house or make a real effort to do good in school. Heck who really wants to work at anything for that matter. Being truthful here, but I never did "get it" untill I got married & had a child of my own. Then I knew & realized what I had put my mom & dad through at times. I could never figure out why they worried so much about me & why I had to be home by a certain time & why they insisted I get good grades at school & why I should be a more responsible teen & be accountable for things I did wrong. I swear, I just did not get it!? I honestly could not see myself as being a problem to them in any way. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do & never even thought about how hard they worked every day to keep us in food, clothes etc... But once I had to do all this on my own, I figured it out really fast...LOL. College will be good for her as long as she has the desire to get ahead in life.

It's really hard being a mom, especially a single mom & the teen years are very trying for sure. Sometimes they don't follow the dreams we have for them, but most times they turn out fine either way.

My oldest child, a girl, who is now 23, lives on her own and is engaged to be married. She had many of the traits you are describing. She did not want to go to college and I'm not sure she had the grades to get in. Once she left home, she had to live in the "real world" and has grown up a lot. I always thought she was "afraid to achieve". I know that sounds wierd, but she had (and still has) so much potential. She is smart and chooses to live a very safe and comfortable life. It was very hard on her father and I to accept. You can't change who they are. We get along much better now that she does not live with us. She experiemented some with drugs and alcohol and still struggles with depression. She has been on antidepressants since 17 and had counseling as well. Understanding her depression and dealing with it has helped alot. I hope this information has been helpful. HANG IN THERE!!!!! You're doing the best you can.

A.--

Your daughter sounds like me at her age. I went to college, and I finally found out that people were concerned with how
clean my room--aside from just the parents--and it mattered to me what they thought.

In college, it will also be up to your daughter to determine how seriously she takes her schooling. Her choices will fall directly on her---and you won't be there to "push". Let her succeed, or fail on her own--better she learns now, than later as a working adult. She may not have acheived her own
"sense of self" yet. You've got to give her space to allow her to make changes SHE determines are important.

Not only do colleges look for good grades but they also look for consistant grades.

Has she been exposed to different jobs out there? Maybe if she meet people who had different jobs and she saw what each one entailed it might spurr her.

Maybe she needs some street years before she understand how important college is.

Let her see just how hard things are to obtain without a decent paycheck.

It is never too late, exspecially for a child.. think about
how much you have changed, from when you were 17.
I have a 17 year old daughter as well,, she was unmotivated
and lazy by my standards...My daughter does well in school
and just graduated yesterday with honors on a early
release program... Now I am tring to help her find something
until college to do.. I think your daughter is old enough to
sit down with her an have the talk, by that, I mean personal
responsiblity to you and herself.. It will take several of these talks to get it to sink in... My daughter never had to
work for anything until last year,,, grades and pretty much everything came too easy for her. I learned awhile back
that instead of taking care of my children the way I did, I should have taught them to take care of themselves. It was a
failure on my part.. I taught my children that I would take
care of them, I know why I did it now. I felt guilty about
other things in my life... I raised my children for the most
part single,, I thought I was providing security for them by
making sure that all the bases were covered all the time. I
provided most of what the wanted and all of what they needed so they
would not worry about the fiancial situation,and being safe
I think now I went overboard.
I know it seems that its too late... Think about all that you
do for your daughter now... She needs to see you as a person
not just as a mom. You have to look at the situation differently..you need to communicate to her how the real world works.. Its hard she will be very resistant to change
but growth as a person isn't easy. Let her know that you
love her and that you will be there but,,, but she owes you something too. If she doesn't do what you ask,of her make
it clear that you will not do for her either.. It is about
respect. What she does on doesn't do for herself is on her, not you.

I don't have a teen ager, my little ones are under 5, but I'd like to offer some advice. I'd suggest making her get a job. Especially a job that lasts all summer. Take away her free time and make her pay for everything that she wants. Maybe having a "dead-end" boring job will wake her up and make her realize that she'll have to work a bit harder in school if she wants to have more than a crappy job after high school. Also, maybe she can intern or take a low paying job in a field in which she is interested. That could motivate her to pursue college subjects in her field of interest.

Dear A.,

I could have written the exact same letter about my son. Our background is so much alike. I'm 53 and my son is 17 year old. I'm a divorced mom living with my only son.
He is smart and intelligent and as you daughter, he does not want to put any extra effort for anything. He plays the sax and without my hearing of any practice at home he got the highest rating in a district competition. He has been a straight A student and again without doing any studying at home.
However, this year, he is getting behind. He's been constantly late from his first class, sometimes even skipping school all together (saying "Mom is OK, I'm a senior, everybody does this", etc), not doing his homeworks and just not caring much about his grade any more.
I'm getting so frustrated with him. I need to push and push him every day for everything. This is the time to apply for colleges, scholarships and take his ACT. In spite of my constant daily reminder, he only applied for a few. He did not do as well on his ACT as he could and should have. I bought him a practice book but I just could not make him to sit down and study.
Often time lately, I feel myself as a failure. I just don't know how I can make him to comprehend the importance of the ACT score, his last year's grades and have him to put some effort into his own future.
I myself need some advice from other moms or just hear how they are doing with the teenagers.
Thanks,
J. C.

A.,
It's very intersting..I just had this conversation this morning...

Our world is very hedonistic and self consumed.

In order to raise socially conscious children- we must show them how fortunate we are and- that our home is a village- we are all accountable and responsible for one another...

Everyone taking care of our home is a labor of love- not a chore. In addition- WE have to be an example of gratefulness and service...

My son and I proactice volunteerism and random acts of kindness daily- I show him how fortunate we are and tell him how much I value him in my life...

Now, instilling ownership and accountability is an ongoing dialog and consistancy is key....

If you and your daughter would like to join us for a volunteer event visit my network at www.avillage.ning.com

You can also nitche out the time to find a local charity on your own to help..it will bring you closer as mother and daughter- and as women- and create dialog of appreciation and gratitude....

M.

Hi A.
When I was reading about your daughter, it reminded
me of my daughter. She did try to get pretty good grades, but as for doing things around the house, she did do her own laundry, and did not put it away, her room was always a disaster area. I got to the point of just shuting her door
so I didn't have to look at it. She didn't do much else around the house, no matter how hard I tried to get her to do another things it just didn't happen. She went to IUPUI for 1 1/2 yrs. She has worked since she was 14. She is 26 now, and married to I think a great guy, I'm very proud to have for
a son-in-law. Since she started working I think she has had
6 different jobs, that seems like alot but she has been a valuable asset at the last 4 jobs she has had. When she was
22 she got I believe the car was new, it doesn't have all the
latest gadgets but she was so proud of that car when she first
got it, because she had such good credit she didn't have to have a co-signer she said all the people at the dealership were impressed with her such good credit. I'm so very proud of her. Also when she was still at home I would try to get her to cook, I wasn't to successful. You know what, since she has been married she started to cook. Her husband has been really, really good for her, she's not messy anymore as far as I can see from their apartment. I wish I could say the same about me. Oh well. I hope I helped you alittle.

P.S.My daughter is an only child, when she was growing up I made point of not spoiling her to much, for one thing we can't afford it since I was a stay at home mom.The only thing she does now that I don't like, but it's out of my control is
that she smokes. I wish she didn't,but there's nothing I
can do, or at least I don't think there is.

A.,

I never put forth very much effort in High School. I stared college, quit, and went back a couple of year later, after I worked for a year or two at minimum wage and found out that everything was not so "easy" as it had been for me earlier. I don't know if she will, but even if you slack in High School, if you have intellegence, you can get on the horse and ride through college and do well. Although I did not have a wide selection of Universities to start, I graduated tops in my major, and was accepted to a good graduate school. I did notice that a lot of the "high acheivers" I went to high school with did not do so well once they got to thier choice university, so high school is not the do or die that most people think, they can get it together later if they decided to work hard, but they have to make the decision. I stay at home with my kids now by choice. Hope this helps! M.

I have three teenagers in my household--all with varying degrees of motivation at various times. I see that you are an educator--so am I. I have found that switching it up, as you would do for kids in your classroom, is the way to go. What I mean is, our own kids are going to respond differently to different things on different days. I do my best to assess the mood, then go for it. When I meet resistance, I try to make things a barter, or "you scratch my back I'll scratch yours" kind of thing. If you make such and such a grade on such and such a test, or week, or quarter, or whatever, I buy your gas for a month--or something to that effect. Or I get you the $400 prom dress, instead of the $150 one, or something along those lines. I don't pay my kids for grades or chores, but I find that the monetary stuff like the above does make a difference--it's a bonus, like at a job. Also, if your daughter has identified her "passion", you can use that to your advantage with all kinds of incentives. If she hasn't shadowed anyone in a career she's thinking of, that's a great way to get her motivated to make the grade, so to speak. My daughter is into photography, so if her midterm grades were all A's or B's, she could get a new camera for her class, and take an excused absence day to shadow. Those types of things. Good luck!!!

Log on to Love and Logic's website: http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Read the parent article "When It's Time for Them to 'Get a Life'"

If you give her an allowance, I would change it to putting a dollar amount on each of the chores you want done. Does she have driving privaleges? And I mean privalege. My kids {6} have all learned this lesson. I currently have just a 16 yr old girl at home. If she doesn't get her chores done at night I get her up extra early the next day. This seems to be good incentive to get them done. Good luck!

I honestly think she is the typical 17 year old. I was the same way at her age (and regretted it because now intellectually, I am BORED and LOOK for the stuff to do that I was doing in school!!!) I had a 3.4 gpa and that was without trying at all. I rarely did homework unless it was done the class before it was due. I really think you've done a GOOD job with her all around. As you've stated, she's not into drugs or anything wild. That's saying something. You didn't push too hard but didn't let her do too much. It's hard to find that line. Push too hard and they dive into the drinking and the drugs, not enough and they think it's ok. You're a good mommy! Someday she will thank you, I promise. Why? Because you are describing me to a T at that age. Good luck!
J.

I had a similar problem. I found out that money talks. I offered like $10-20 for an A, $10-5 for a B, etc...if she got a D she had to give some back. I almost needed to get a loan to pay for a report card. I think it's too late for you. How is she going to go to college? If she doesn't keep her grades up she will flunk out. We paid for our son to go to college until his grades got bad then we cut him off. If he still wanted to go he paid for it. Good luck to you....

I have a 7-year-old with a similar personality. See sounds "gifted" to me. Often times gifted children are not high achievers, but she is clearly capable.

The fact that she is going to college is great!! Focus on the positives. It may not be the college of your choice, but that is okay. She may have a rude awakening in regards to responsibility (at college) and realize that if she does not want to live in a pig sty she will have to take on more.

Good luck and try to honor the strengths your daughter has.

Wow! Your 17 y.o. daughter sounds just like my 17 y.o. son. He also is very smart, learned to read at the age of 4, thought everything else would come as easy to him, and hates to do anything more than what he has to do. Unfortunately I don't think there is a real cure. His jobs are also unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, and putting away his laundry. He doesn't do any of it without being told it needs done (even when the trash is overflowing). He can get good grades if it is a subject he likes, but does not put any extra effort into the others. He will just be going to a local college this fall because he is not mature or responsible enough to go away (nor does he care for the idea). I think I have just come to terms with the fact that he is a pokey boy and hope and pray that he will turn out okay.

Hi A.. I'm afraid I can't help from a mom's perspective--but it wasn't that long ago (7 years) that I was a very-book-smart-without-much-effort, pretty unmotivated & directionless 17-year-old myself. I am prone to thinking "I am smart & accomplished, therefore everything will turn out fine as if by magic," and I tend to drag my feet & not take action on anything until I clearly have to.
So the thing that has helped "grow me up" the most, I think, is being dropped into situations where I "have to"--where I have responsibilities with no safety net. E.g., I have to get out the door to work on time because (a) no one is going to wake me up (b) no one is going to get me out of trouble for being late and (c) no one else is going to pay for my rent/groceries/car insurance. Or I have to make some concrete, practical plans for my future because, believe it or not, I am not going to be able to just float through college studying whatever obscure subject interests me and then have someone hand me a career on a plate. (realized that sometime senior year--of college--and boy, was it scary.) Or now I have to figure out how to be a mom, ready or not, because I don't get to just say "I'm not sure I can handle this--I take it back, OK?"
So there may be some things you could do to start pushing your daughter onto her own two feet a little more; assign her some job, let her know it's important/valuable, let her know it won't get done without her. But I realize she doesn't have much more time at home, and this is probably hard to do in a household where whatever one does/doesn't do affects you both (if you just stop doing the chores and tell her it's her job, you may find that she has a much higher mess tolerance than you, and you just end up living in filth), plus you are her mom and she knows you can't not take care of her. Moving out/going to college may be the best thing for her.
And it may take years to see any shaping up--and she may just be content not to achieve much, by most people's standards. I mean, I, for example, am doing OK these days, but I still feel like I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants here. I am happily married, not in debt, my husband and I both successfully finished college, and we have some probably-achievable goals for our life, but no well-defined plans and no money to speak of. If one of us would get a nice salaried corporate marketing job like all our classmates, we would probably be pretty comfortably off, but we wanted fun & aesthetically pleasing occupations (and we, um, didn't try quite hard enough not to have a baby right away), so we will probably be scraping by like this for years.
Or take my sister-in-law, who is about to turn 30 and has just barely mastered paying her cell phone bill on time. She's had at least 2 phones cut off for non-payment, and 1 car repossessed, and my in-laws worry about her constantly, but really she's doing all right in her own slightly messy way; she's been working as a nanny for several years, every family she's worked for has loved her, she's very involved in her church, not on drugs or living in a dump or in a relationship with some creep, or anything like that. I think her parents have just had to give up on ever having her be organized or financially responsible in the way they are, because it's just not in her personality, period, and bringing it up just starts a big fight and fixes nothing.
I don't know if this is reassuring or helpful at all--it's no great specific advice, I know. I don't know that anyone ever turns out quite the way their parents hoped...But don't despair, being smart still helps, and going to college helps, and having a mom who clearly cares about her and wants to see her be self-sufficient will help a LOT. Some of us just have to flounder around for a while before we turn into halfway capable adults, and it is hard to watch, but it does get resolved after a while, especially with a parent who can be available, loving, and stable (and offer a safety net if we REALLY need it) while waiting for us to finish floundering.
Good luck!!

Oh do I hear you! I am the mother of a highly intelligent 17 year old son who is pretty much the same as your daughter. His jobs around the house is to take out the trash, do his laundry and to do the dishes every other day. Now he will do these things "if I ask him" and sometimes I have to remind him several times. He is has a wonderful magnetic personality and he doesn't really back talk me or give me trouble. But, he doesn't seem to take his school work seriously and now I'm finding that half the time he doesn't even go to school. He talks about college but I try to tell him "finishing high school" is the first step before college! He is going to be 18 in less than a month and I fear that he's going to do something he will later regret. I've learned that from a very young age, you cannot force them to do what you want. I too have tried to take everything away from him as punishment; it doesn't really have much affect. At this point, I've decided to just treat him as an adult. I tell him what is right but it is his decisions and choices. No matter what he does I will love him. One of his College Prep English teachers told me once that he would be fine and that he would "wake up" sometime. I just am praying that it is soon! It's funny, he has recently gotten a job working fast food. He doesn't really care much for the job but he likes the money. The funny part is when I pick him up, what he complains the most about is the way his coworkers and managers don't take pride in doing the job right. I know he has what it takes to make his life into something wonderful; I'm waiting for him to begin taking those steps.

What is it that YOU are doing that she can do for herself?? If you are doing things that she needs to be doing.....STOP! If she is living in your home, she is not a guest, but rather a member of the family w/ responsibilities. If she chooses NOT to honor those, then she does not get ANY priviledges with the family NOR outside of.

Respect & discipline is LEARNED. She obviously hasn't either. Does she have ANY motivated friends? She needs to figure out SOMETIME SOON that when you don't respond or take responsibility, there ARE consequences....i.e. not getting good grades will limit her college selection.

If she seems to lie around and doesn't take responsibility around the house...require that she do it elsewhere....GET A JOB or volunteer at a community center, senior citizens home or something. She doesn't seem to have a sense of value or worth, either. Don't buy her ANYTHING.....not even clothes, shoes or whatever. If she can't do things to "earn them" by helping around the house......She'll have to find other ways to get what she needs....like getting a job.

These are LIFE SKILLS we're talking about.....not just an attitude & laziness problem!!!

Wow! It's me!!! It's hard when things come so easy that they don't have to study and still do o.k. I had a rude awakening when I went to college and I struggled the first year because I had never learned to study because I didn't have to before. The good news is that I finally did figure it out and I not only got my bachelors degree, but eventually went back for my Masters degree. Hang in there.

Please have her tested. Sound too much like the story of another 17 year old. The tests results showed that she has ADD. She is now a straight "A" student and very happy.
It's heartbreaking to think of all the punishment she endured because we were not aware of the cause of her problem.

Boy do I sympathize with you. My 16 year old has been "skating" through for years. Now she is a jr and something seems to have finally clicked. She hasn't brought home one d this year and very few c's. It could be that she has realized how important learning something in high school is. (wishful thinking most likely) or that fact that after years of trying to act like she doesn't care that we weren't allowing her any time on the computer and being stuck at home she suddenly woke up and realized her friends were dating, driving, (people with d's have no need of a license or permit) and having a lot of fun. She on the other hand was at home.
Now that she has good grades she is doing the things her friends are doing. Although she doesn't have a job or car. We don't want her working during the school year until we know she will continue to get good grades. (working to get extra money is a privilege after all)
Because of her past performance when she goes to college it will be a local community college we are not willing to spend the big bucks for her to go off. She can live at home and work to help pay her college fees. After a couple of years if things are going ok then we will talk about a four year school.
We are trying to teach our daughter that if she wants things she will have to work for them. When she is tired of doing without she puts out the effort to get and keep what she wants. (now she is working on getting a cell phone out of us but no luck there yet) She finally decided a "D" lifestyle wasn't for her after all.

Hello A.,

WOW! Is my daughter jennifer visiting you and I didn't know it, lol?? Jennifer just turned 17 this month and will be a senior next yr. She is also very intelligent, and usually makes very good choices. I KNOW she is capable of straight A's, I've seen her do it on many occasions. She is talkign college's and taking some college prep courses, but it always satisfied with a B or C. When I know she could do much better.

I have always told the kids to try thier best in every class and if a C is all they could do at thier best, I would be happy. But what to do when you know they could do better.. *Shrugs* lol I will be watching the answers you get. As for chores around the house, it is like pulling teeth. Jennifer does her own laundry and she did dishes last night for the first time without complaining about it. I told her if she could not do them without complaining twice a week, I would give them to her for the WHOLE week. That shut her up *Laughs*.
She shares a room with her 15 yr old sister, and I told them no outings to anywhere til it was cleaned. It was cleaned REAL quick lol. Every kid reacts differently to punishments and I have 4 kids so its been a trial. My oldest who is 22 could be grounded to her room for not doing something and it didn't phase her. So I changed it to grounding her to the living room for family time. She was not allowed in her room except to go to bed later that night. It drove her bonkers :)

Sounds like you have suggested or asked enough for things to be done, now its time to put your foot down and tell her how it will be. They don't like it, but we parents have to be firm in what we expect.

Good luck, I wish you the best!
T.

My nine year old is exactly the same way. I have no advise, only looking forward to a response to your question

I was in a similar situation as your daughter, Igot skipped 2 grades early on and had straight A's until about 8th grade, then I discovered boys and when I graduated I had mostly B's and C's. I wish I did more in school, because now I am attending community college, trying to get a bachlors degree with three children, which is really hard. I am not sure if it is too late, but I would at least try to get through to her. If she thinks it is ok to bring home mediocre grades, then do the things you do for her mediocre, like buy her less name brand clothes and shoes, make Ramen noodles for dinner and tell her that is the equivalent of what she will be eating and wearing if she does not get better grades. School is her job, and when she does her job well, she gets the perks of better "pay" and if she does a minimum wage type job on her schooling then she will get that lifestyle.
I have been going through the same thing with my 14 year old and I started "paying" her for her job the same way, and she got the picture really quick. I now have the opposite problem that I can not afford to "pay" her for the lifestyle that she should be having with straight A's...
But she understands our situation and she knows she will get her rewards for those later in life.
I hope this helps, good luck.

Find the NPR interview Diane Rehm where she interviews Ken Robinson It is all about creativity and differnet ways of tapping in to it and ways of achiebving that are "outside the box"
I would do some volunteer work with her TOGETHER, you only have months left before she will be away for long periods of time. Habitat for Humanity, Earthwatch etc. You can bond, give back to community and hopefully open her eyes and perspective on the world. Volunteering and giving service can change a person.