How Do Help Your Child Understand That They Are Spreading Themselves Too Thin??

Wouldn't that be a consequence to her spreading herself too thin? Failing the test? If she can't keep her grades up, activities go. I don't see this as "breaking her spirit" I call it parenting.

Yes let her sink or swim. Middle school grades don't "count" in the long run (as in, they don't appear on high school transcripts for college admissions) so if she has an off grade every now and then as the result of pushing her own limits too far, so what? Don't be all negative and gloom and doom, just let her know that you expect her to keep up her grades, her chores at home and the commitments she has made to others and that if she over-commits, she can come to you any time and you'll help her prioritize without any "I told you so" feedback. I tutor some extraordinary high school students who do more in a week than other people do in a month. They do it because they can and they enjoy it.

From a practical standpoint, have her sit down with you and her daily planner and have her schedule everything for the week so that she (and you) can see it on paper. Is it logistically impossible or just very full? If just very full, see how she does.

FWIW I've always been a "super producer" kind of person - in middle school I baby sat every day after school until at least 5 as well as at least one weekend night a week, did dance, cheerleading, was class president, played softball, and kept a straight-A GPA. I sometimes went to bed late to get homework done but it was my choice and I'm glad my parents didn't stand in my way. They still think I'm nuts but that's what I choose.

I would let her go for it, with a condition on grades.
Set a limit, you can do as many activities as you want as long as you get "___" on your first report card.
I left it blank because every kid and family is different. My (non medicated) ADHD daughter is begging to take drum lessons this year but she is also a competitive gymnast, and that requires practice 5:30-8:30 three nights a week. I told her no more than two C's on her first report card and I'll let her do it. Two C's may seem like a low bar for a lot of parents but for HER that would be really good (she's in 8th grade.)
6th grade is a great time to try new things, and it's a good time to fail too, because it doesn't really count. Let her explore now, once she hits 9th grade there are no do overs :(

Here is what I have learned. There are kids that can do it all.

They keep their grades up, keep up with homework, cheer, act, play sports, take music lessons, class president, volunteer and still have time to hang out.

They continue to do this all the way through college....this is how they stay out of trouble. They learn their own limits and excel at everything, without getting overwhelmed.

Yes, there are quite a few of these young adults that I know very well. I was one and I also worked.

Our daughter also did this and so did her group of friends. Geeky, smart, enthusiastic, do not want to miss out on anything.

They blew away the SAT's. Got sports scholarships, academic scholarships, music scholarships, community scholarships and members of the honor societies for academics, music and art...

We just made sure we could keep in touch with them and provide the transportation until they could drive.

You can just remind her, to not over do, but let her discover on her own what it takes. Remind her when she makes a commitment to stick to it until it is over, but to be honest about her limits before signing up.

Yes,if she fails allow her to take the responsibility for it. This is what this time in her life is for. Never underestimate your child...

Hang on for the ride of your life. It is so exciting to see what they can accomplish.

Wow, it sounds like there should have been something said a while ago. For example, "Which would you like to do this year, cheerleading or music?" It is a parent's job to help our children with decisions. They don't understand that there are times when it isn't all about them and their desires. They also don't understand that their body needs some down time. When does she read a book for fun? When does she just hang out with the family? When does she do chores at home? When does she help a sibling with a project or a neighbor with a need? There probably isn't time for all of these types of things if she is over-involved. Does she have a need to excel or be praised for accomplishments? In answer to your question, you can't expect a child to understand everything you do. Some things they have to just trust mom and dad with. Will she be upset? Yes, the crying in her room for 10 minutes might just be a release of all the pressure she is under.

I would sit down with her and prioritize. We told the kids it's grades first and then other things as they were able. That they and we (since the parents end up schlepping from event to event) could only do so much. My SS was only allowed one sport per season. My SD was always in theatre and that took most of her time. So I would think about what *I* was willing to do (are you able to pick her up every day?) and then work from there with her on the schedule. If she can handle it, more power to her, but sometimes you have to be the heavy and say, "And when are you going to do homework, chores, spend time with friends and family, eat or sleep?"

You might also tell her that you understand that she wants to do everything, but her job is school and if she can't do that job first, then something has to give. If the play is super important but something else is not, have her drop that instead. There are reasons that schools require a minimum GPA for extra curriculars. Failing math has a whole snowball effect, like giving up time and activities for tutoring or having to do summer school (time + money + no time for a vacation). My niece failed English one year and my SIL made her pay for summer school and then also made her drop out of dance for the summer. If she'd done the work when she was supposed to, she wouldn't have had that consequence.

Remember, too, that everything is The End Of The World when you are 11-18. So don't take the dramatics to heart. Talk to her. And if it does hurt that she has to drop the play, there's another play and maybe next time she'll have her grades in order because she learned something.

Since my child isn't an adult and capable of knowing how thin she's spread, I only let her do two activities at a time. Right now she's choosing gymnastics (still on the wait list though) and her church thing they do for teenagers on Wednesdays. I'M spread too thin having to take her everywhere, plus my 4 year old's activities.

ETA: I just read that back and it sounded rude which isn't how I mean it. MY child is 6th grade too but isn't super mature like it sounds your daughter is.

how is placing limits 'breaking her spirit'?
decide how much extracurricular time you feel is appropriate, and let her pick which activities to fit into it.
saying no isn't going to break her.
khairete
S.

Some kids learn to juggle really well.
Others learn their limits only by over extending - which is followed by the crash and burn.
It's better she learn it now than in high school or college.
The only thing I'd tell her is what you already have - the grades MUST be maintained.

You could limit the number of activities she is allowed to participate in. Or limit the number of hours/evenings she can commit to activities. And grades need to be a priority. We all wish we could do it all but we can't. Choosing a limited number of activities will help her learn to prioritize and know her limits. Don't raise a woman who can't say "no" when she has reached her limit. We all know someone like that...

Maybe have her keep a calendar of the hours she has committed to activities so she can easily see when there is no more time left. And make sure that down time and study time are non-negotiable scheduled blocks of time too.

I would let her try it all, with a condition that she keep her grades up.

Honestly, I did everything in high school cheerleader, gymnast, theater, odyssey of the mind, literary magazine, yearbook, and I still managed good grades on top of it. Enough to get in the college I wanted on scholarship.

In college I did everything again. And I still love to do lots of things. Sometimes I overbook myself, but that's something I had to learn on my own.

Help her arrange her schedule and be there to offer advice if she gets overwhelmed. Sounds like she's a joiner and a do-er and there's nothing wrong with that!

Call me crazy, but you ARE the parent here. It is your job/duty to make sure that your child is doing what's best for her. It may not be fun, but that's what you signed up for when you had her.

Would you rather she be great at cheerleading or have excellent grades to get into the college of her choice?

My girl is only 5, but I have made it clear to her that she is only allowed one activity per semester. She gets to pick it, but only one.

Now I understand why our jr high has the 6th graders do only one fine arts credit and they are not allowed to participate in sports until 7th grade. IMHO--That is way too much for her to be doing. The transition from elementary to middle school/jr high is HUGE and rough. Academics should always come first. My kids know this and they have had to forego activities that they would have liked to do because they would have made the academics harder.

You can't just let her fall or learn the hard way, because the hard way will be less than stellar grades.

If I were you, I would get out a planner and write each day what she has to do, including homework and chores. Once it's on paper it will be easier for you to comprehend and if it really appears that there won't be any time for studying and chores, then sit down with her, show her and let her see for herself that she is really over scheduled. Then let her decide what to give up.

Sometimes we just don't realize what we've gotten ourselves in to until we see it laid out in front of us.

This is one of those times when it's appropriate to break her spirit and say "no". She probably needs your consent to do all of the above, so decide what you think is reasonable and tell her the boundaries.

"Sweetheart, you are allowed to have two activities. You may select which two you would like to participate in, but your job right now is to go to school and learn. The other things are extras. You can take some time to think about it, but tomorrow afternoon you need to let me know which two you are picking."

Period. End of story. She's excited and all of the options are part of what makes middle school fun, but at this age she doesn't have the ability to manage her time effectively. She does, however, have a parent to help her do so.

Try making up a calendar show her what a full month looks like, everyday, times, events, wake up to bed time. Then tell her you're proud of her, but her grades come first, if they suffer then most recent "commitment" must be put aside for whatever amount of time is needed for her to pick her grades back up.

Good luck.

i think you let her try.

but she has already been told if her grades suffer, something has to go.

you have to stick to your guns on that. and if the time comes, put your foot down. don't let the drama get to you. honestly to me it already sounds like too much - but you let her make the commitments so she needs to try to keep them. i wouldn't let her do so much next year, but that's just me. i know some moms let their kids have something going every single night. decide what your limits are and stick to them.

(i agree with Liisa, about everything she said. i also agree with Laurie A in that there are kids - in fact, in life, there are people - who can do it all. i'm not one of them. but they do exist! lol. my thing is - she may be quite happy to "do it all" - but who is paying for it? who is acting as chauffeur? i'm not a servant or a hired hand for my kids, and my wants and needs have value too - the need for down time, the need for quality family time. so to me that is a huge factor.)