Teenager Discipline and Behavior

Oh teenagers...they are so much fun, aren't they?

First of all, don't take it personally. Even the most loving and wonderful teens lie to their parents. That said, I would punish him in some way because that is not acceptable. Taking the car away for a month is reasonable to me.

I would also make an effort to find out where he was...maybe you could offer him an incentive that if he "comes clean" and tells you where he was, he will only lose the car for 3 weeks

Let us know how it works out!

i'd be more cocerned with what he went to do that he couldn't tell you about and had to lie and say it was work. Talk to him and find out what's going on. But yeah, definately punish him in some regard for lying. He has to know that isn't right. A month might be a little harsh, but at least a couple weeks.

A., you're not overreacting. He quite possibly is up to no good. I would sit down and talk to him about actions and consequences. He's not 18 yet and he still lives with you so you are liable for his actions! I would get to the root of what he was up to and go from there! ..He might need more punishment!!!

Your son is almost an adult. How do you want him to deal with conflict in his life, by assuming the worst and (over)reacting, or by trying to understanding the situation and dealing with it calmly and appropriately? Wouldn't it be wise to provide him with a good example of adult behavior right now? After all, your days of being in the parental driver's seat are nearly over, and no self-respecting 17-year-old is going to respond well to being grounded like a child--especially if there's no history of problematic behavior. It sounds like a great opportunity to have an adult discussion (not a confrontation) about your observations, concerns, and feelings about what happened and inquire about the same from him. Don't make this about you--make it about him, and the expectations he will face in the real world when he has to fend for himself and deal effectively with others (who may not be as supportive and understanding).

Taking the car away is a great way to send a clear message that you are serious about clear and truthful communication. You will also reinforce to him that responsibility and accountability are essential in having a relationship with his parents. At seventeen there will be many things that happen in your sons life that you will not be privy too. The best you can do is to pick your battles and hope he will keep you on as a consultant after the age of eighteen. As a mother of four, three who are now adults, my experience tells me to encourage you to keep your boundries clear with your son as well as the penalties for crossing them. Dont wane an inch if you want respect. There is not much need to banter out the issues with him as Im afraid much will be lost in the translation from adult to teen. Your actions at this age will speak volumes. I would do my best to let him know should he want to let you know the entire story you will listen without judgement. The time will come soon where you have little option to make decisions in his life. To earn is respect with clarity and love will keep the lines of communication open and always bring him back to you.

I think you should be asking yourself WHY your son Needed to lie to you. Taking his car away for a month is WAY too much! He is 17, next year he can leave you and be on his own. You might want to get closer to him and not push him away. Sounds like he does not trust you, otherwise he would have been able to tell you where he was going. I think You need to Connect more with him, not punish him.

First of all... do not make this about you "he hurt me." This has nothing to do with you. Your teenager was probably out doing something he though you wouldn't approve of, so he lied to make life easier for himself.
Also, if this is the first time you have caught him, then chances are he's done this many times already.
My 14 yr old did this the other day (well, something similar.) She went to a boy's house and said she was w/ her girlfriend. The Mom was home (I spoke with her as soon as I figured it out.) I told her she was allowed to go to boy's houses as long as there is an adult there, so there's no need to lie to me. I told her it was a safety issue and that I need to know where she is. I told her I would be checking up on her now for a while, but that if I found out she lied about where she was again that she would be severely restricted. I've been watching her like a hawk and (secretly) talking to the parents of places that she asks to go. It seems to have worked like a charm.
So my advice is (take it for what its worth)... find out where he was. Tell him you understand why he would want to do that, but that he needs to be honest w/ you about where he is. Tell him you care about him, and you realize he is almost a young adult, but that you are legally responsible for him for one more year and you take that very seriously. Then decide if he needs a consequence or not this time. Make sure you let him know you will watch him closer now.
A few questions to help you decide if taking the car is the right discipline...
1. Will taking the car really make him think and regret and change his behavior for good, or is he more likely to be resentful and thus more sneaky? You know him best.
2. Will taking the car away make it harder on you or him (do you have time to drive him to where he needs to go?)
3. Every consequence should be related to the offense. Does taking the car away make sense as a logical consequence for lying to you?
Consequences should not be punishments, they should be a way to teach your children the right way to do things. The best thing to do is to take the emotion out of it, and decide what will teach you child. This sounds corny, but if the reason you are upset is because of the lie, maybe you should find articles on kids that had lethal consequences to lying. Then you could take the car away and explain that you are doing it because he used it as a way to further his lie to you.
Good luck :)

Yes, you are over reacting by taking your son's vehicle away for a month.

Why don't you get over feeling sorry for yourself and find out what is really going on with him.

Maybe he was ashamed that he was not needed at work and couldn't face the humiliation he imagined he would get at home. Do you expect him to be perfect all the time?

Sounds like this teenager needs to spread his wings a little and experience who he is without Mom checking up on him at work. You actually go to his work and eat with him? Cut the apron strings and let the kid grow up.
Gale

I suspect he has always been an upstanding and trust-worthy son. Why did he lie this time? What did he feel compelled to do that he didn't think you would agree to or didn't want to get into a discussion about? Those would be my first questions.

He violated a trust, big time! I agree taking the car away for a time period is truly acceptable, but after you've sat down with him to find out why he lied to you. Ask him to come up with a logical and reasonable consequence and time limit. Remember, what ever the time limit is you will have to drive him to and from work. Or will he take the bus or walk?

I saw find out what was behind it and then make our decision.

Hi A.,

It's always tuff when our kids get caught in a lie. We want to be able to trust them.

The underlying reasons your son pulled such a stunt could be many. Why was he told not to come into work? Was he possibly embarrassed by it? Why did he not feel able to just tell you he didn't have to go to work? Kids will do some pretty silly things to save face. Where was your son during the hours he would have been working? For me, my worry would have been is my child safe.

Taking the car away for a month doesn't seem all that harsh. The only thing to keep in mind is now you will have to arrange to get him to and from work, school, and any other activities for that month.

If he hasn't already, try to get him to talk about what he did and why he did it. Odds are, he probably was faced with a situation he wasn't sure how to handle and chose the teenage way out of it. Teenagers do some pretty irresponsible things from time to time.

My prayers are with you,
L.

Dear A.,
It starts to become a real challenge to discipline kids who are nearly adults by legal standards. I think that lying is the worst sort of problem because everything we have with one another is based on faith. We have to believe we are honest with each other or else we have no way to base our relationship on anything. The discipline is up to you as long as he is under your roof.

However, probably more important is to find out why he felt he had to lie. If he is not in this horrible habit, then something pretty strong pushed him to that point. Find out what is out of balance...let him know that you are on his side. That is the primary thing with teens, for them to know you are on their side...you are rooting for them...you are their support system. If there is something working against that to alienate them from you and make them think they can't turn to you, then you have a much bigger problem.

Separation is normal at this age, but it should happen in ways that are encouraged by you to help build his sense of independence and self-esteem. Since he will be old enough to go to war, vote, etc. in a short time its essential that he feel confident and ready to leave the nest.

As his mom, its time to start letting him be in charge of you at times, so that "he takes the helm" and steers for awhile. Its natural for men to be in charge and we as their moms need to encourage them that we need them to be. For instance, my son decided to help me out and has been the one buying all the groceries for months now...he is a senior in high school. I give him my bank card and he does it all. He always buys me flowers at the store and I feel so loved! But, he is choosing everything, and he is holding a credit card with my total trust. These sorts of things are very affirming.

I hope this helps. Its very hard to trust once you have been lied to, and they need to know that they need to earn that trust back...and be forgiven and totally trusted.

Honestly, I totally agree with you, you shouldn't feel bad for taking away the vehicle for a month, it is a fair punishment. That's what my parents did when I lied about things, and they were sure to talk to me and let me know that they were very disappointed that they could no longer trust me and that I would have to re-earn their trust. Until I re-earned their trust I lost lots of privileges where trust was the major factor, it definitely taught me how important it was in my life, especially in social aspects. My only major advice is to stick to the punishment, no matter how difficult it is for you, if my husband's parents had stuck to their groundings and punishments like they said they were going to, we wouldn't have gotten away with all we did. Definitely not trying to worry you. Good luck, hope all goes well.

Hi A.,
Your son lied. You're clear on that. Before you go off 'the deep end', confront him. "I'm going to ask you straight up where you were on XXX. Do not waste your breath with saying you were at work. You and I both know you weren't." After you hear what he has to say, and -why- he chose to lie to you, then is when I would recommend considering the punishment for the lie. Given he is not a liar, he is most likely already waiting to be caught and is expecting to be punished. You may even ask him what he thinks you should do.
I believe in warnings before dropping the boom. So, a month of not having his car -may- be a bit severe -- again, given that he is not in the habit of lying already and is most likely a pretty good kid.
There are worse things than lying. But, that's where it starts. Nip it in the bud and you'll be happier in the end. But, nipping doesn't require jumping in with both feet on the first sign of 'trouble'.
Good luck!
K.

I do not think that you are over reacting at all. Driving is a privilege for responsible individuals. If he is not responsible enough to tell you where he is, then yes, take away those things that he values most. If he could not be honest and tell you where he was going, then he must have wanted to hide it from you which could have put him in jeoperdy. Until he is 18, you are legally responsible for what he does and where he goes. I say be honest with him at this point and tell him how much he hurt you and let you down. What some kids miss is that even though they may fear telling you the truth because they think you will not allow them to do things, the reality is that as parents it is our job to protect them. Good Luck.

I certainly don't think you have overreacted. Our teenagers need to know that having possession of a vehicle comes with responsibility...one being honesty and trustworthiness. Putting a time limit on how long the car will be taken away and your future expectations are good.

For me, finding out the reason for the lie is more important than the punishment. Then you can discuss the problem. But do punish him...if it is your car, take it away for a while.

granted my oldest is only 10.. i would take away his vehicle. or make him pay for his own insurance? where i live if you get caught driving without insurance they impound your car.
it doesnt sound like he is really interested in keeping this job either
maybe there is something else going on with him?
you have a spare set of keys?? next time he takes off leaving the car in the lot while he is nowhere on the property. just drive it home.
if it was my situation.. ( 7 yrs in the future for me) i wouldn't let him have the car back until he earned back the privledge 1 month is very easy in my opinion. :-)

Hi I have a daughter who will be 17 next month. I would find out first where he was and why he had to lie to get there. Does he have a girlfriend? Is he sexually active? These are things you need to know. If he won't talk to you maybe your husband. I would for sure give some punishment for his action until he earns your trust back. That might take more than a month. It is to scary out there not knowing where our kids are at every momement. They need to understand this. You do need to take something away that means alot to them so they will think twice again about lying. My daughter lied about texting and a myspace page when she was a sophmore know she knows lying is not worth losing her privilages for. Hope this helps. I was reading some of the other responses about if you take his car away you will have to drive him. I find out the most interesting things when I am driving my kids around by themselves and with there friends. It will also give you some quality time with your son even if it is only for a few min. I also have a 15 yr old son and we can talk with no distractions of the T.V. It really bonds us and he knows that I am always there. We talk about friends, school, and what ever he wants. You would be suprised. It's a great feeling when they say hey Mom you know what? And I just listen and then comment.

I was glad to read about a story with a teenager... although sorry about your son lying. Heck no, your not over exaggerating! Take the car away... or he will lie to you again! I have a girl teenager (13) it is WAY harder then I ever imagined.

G.
California

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I remember being his age and I wasn't the best kid. You taking his car away for a long time period like that is really going to make him think before he does something like that again. He needs to earn his trust back. I remember hating my parents for being strict with me, but now with having my own children I completly understand, and they are the reason that I grew up to be responsible and a good person with my life together.

Sigh...me, and all the moms with teens that I know, feel for you.
My daughter isn't to this stage yet, but my friend's is...he lost his truck altogether when things progressed to an unacceptable-behavior point.
You have to eventually come to a point where you decide how adult to treat him. Maybe he needs to be driven to and from work still. Maybe he needs to still be reminded he is technically a child until he proves reliable again. If the vehicle is in your name, maybe taking it is your best bet.

Above all else, try to talk to him about his reasons, without bringing your hurt feelings into it, if possible. (And maybe then about responsibility to his job and family and his future?)
GOOD LUCK, Mom! Try to talk to him. Then go with your intuition.

Hi A.!

It will be ok....I promise. It's time for you two to have a talk about "trust". Remind him of what it takes to trust someone.

First, you said this is new behavior, and something he has never done before. Well, then I would ask HIM the questions that you asked us.

Ask him.."how can I trust you when lied to me" "what else have you lied about" "what are you hiding from me that you don't think I would understand".....Ask him everything. After you hear his responses, you'll know what to do as punishment. It's his first offense, maybe a MONTH without a car is alot. But, to make your point serious, you can take it away for the weekend. That will probably "hurt" him the most, and let him know that you expect the truth for his safety. Tell him you understand that he is growing up, and there are "things" he won't want to tell you. Tell him that you WILL respect that. BUT you will not accept a lie about where he is going....ever! This is for his safety, as well as, parental rights "as long he lives under your roof" :o)

Ask him, A.. I bet you will be so glad you did :o)

N.

Definantly not! He needs to be accountable for his actions. What if you needed to reach him in case of an emergency? He has to realize that there is more in life then just himself and he is almost an adult and you won't be able to be there everytime he falls. So where was he? What was he doing? Who was he with? These are the first things I would find out...also why he felt he had too lie?

Maybe he's looking for more space or just wanted to get out for awhile. Whatever it is you should confront him and let him know you are aware that he didn't really go to work that day and ask him (nicely)if theres something he needs to talk to you about.Seventeens a ruff age and theres alot of testing going on, Be understanding but firm!

I don't think you are overreacting at all! Although I don't have teenage children, I have taught jr. hi and high school for 13 years. Your gut is telling you something and you are listening. Since your son has never exhibited this type of behavior before, I think you are right to call him on it and hold him accountable. He is 17 and his going to so much trouble to lie about where he was going, would make me doubt his trustworthiness also. I applaud you for following up with consequences. He will be a better adult because of it even if he doesn't see it now. You are a great mom.

A.,
Congratulations on being a great mom! YES, you should take his car away for a month, and NO you are not over reacting.
Toough love can be hard on us moms, but your son at age 17 needs to learn that there are consequences for our actions. He will be a man soon, and this is a very important life lesson.
I applaud you for being tough. The benefits will be priceless.

A., I bet you feel so hurt and confused. I have felt that way before, when my daughter was that age (she will turn 30 this Sunday so they do end up OK after all) she lied about quite a few things right to my face! I found that using the "behaviour = consequences" routine worked best for her and for me. That is, making the consesquences relate directly to the behaviour. So maybe if he lied about going to work, the consequence would be something directly related to the job. Taking away the car might just make more pressure and drama for you. Plus you don't want him to lose his job, you want him to learn how to be a responsible adult and to be honest. Pretty short-sighted for him to be dishonest about something that you could so easly find out about; shows he was not being evil but maybe opportunistic about the circumstances/situation.

So maybe the reason he was dishonest was due to his thought about what you would say/do if you knew he did not need to go to work. If he felt that he wanted to have that time for himself and that if he was honest, he would have to spend that time with the "family" maybe he thought it would be easier to just not change anything as far as you knew. Maybe he needed some time to himself and didn't know how to say that without thinking he would hurt your feelings.

I am not saying that being dishonest is acceptable, but trying to get inside his head. If you tell him that its OK for him to make those decisions as long as he is going to stand behind them, that might clear his mental path to tell you the total truth.

Then of course you will have to say "OK son" when he says he wants to "waste" his day/time off but he is going to be an adult soon and will have to learn that wasting a day might be a mistake. Maybe it would be OK tho, and then he would feel good about making decisions and you would feel good about raising a son who can make adult decisions. And better to learn those things when you still have the safety net of being at home instead of when you are out on your own.

Hang in there and try to keep in mind that you are doing a good job of letting your first-born spread his wings! And you have two more after him to perfect your mom-skills!

I would agree with the post that if you just caught your son this time, it's quite likely that he's done this several times before.
And too, it really isn't about you so to speak, it's about him and his behavior. Yes you are hurt, and his behavior is unacceptable, not because it hurt you because he lied. I to would say that you may have known subconciously that he wasn't at work given that you picked that day inparticular to eat there. Questions to ask would be what are his behaviors day to day? How are his grades? Has there been a shift in friend in the past 6 months to 1 year?
As a Leadership Coach, I initially worked with Families and Teens in Transition. And with the challenges Kids have today they view the world from a very different place and have many outside distraction that are often times not healthy.
For the kids it's best that both parents be on the same page, and have a structure, ground rules and known consequences in in place.
Best,
L.

Hi Ang,

Everyone....well, almost everyone had some valid points on both sides. Take a deep breath, think about it, talk about it and I know that you and your son will come to an understanding and mutual respect. He's almost grown and you've done an excellent job so far. He's a good boy, he loves his Mom. Just like when he was learning to walk...you can't stop him from falling every time, he'll learn. Trust in yourself and the things you've taught him will prevail...when he's thru doing it his way. Remember when we were young.

Hi there -

No, I do not think you are overreacting at all. I think a month without a car is a great consequence for lying to you. He should know how serious that is, and that you won't tolerate it.

I have also a 17 year old son that has been quite the challenge the last little while - I am also struggling with what to do with him, but what I have been doing lately and has seemed to work so far has been to have a very few 'absolute' rules - with big consequences - and then we work together on the rest - where he is involved and he can earn privileges. I tell him I love him to death, but that it's still my house, and there are certain behaviors that are simply not tolerated. I also have 3 other kids and a husband.
Some of the absolutes I have at my house:

I have to know where the child is at ALL times -
No lying
No abusive behavior (physical or emotional) to anyone -
Homework and work (chores and jobs) first, entertainment second.
Zero tolerance for drugs and alcohol - they don't come into my house, and I don't allow my kids to go anywhere where it is suspected to be. I've told my kids the police will be immediately called if this rule is even remotely broken.
Zero tolerance for underage sexual activity - I feel VERY strongly about this one.

That's pretty much it - everything else is negotiable.

I'd talk to your son and tell him how your trust has been broken because of the lie - it is much more than a lie - and that now it is his responsibility to earn back your trust - and that it won't be quick or easy. And also how hurt you were.
The other part of this is to find out why it was necessary for him to lie to you - what was he doing? Why did he want to hide it?

Good luck - this is tough one!

Hi, A.;
It is hard when these kids get so "big" that they are practically adults. I think you need to find out the story before you give a consequence. Try and find out why he lied, and see if you can together correct the situation. Remember to tell him what you appreciate about him. Take a breath and be thankful for him. J.

I would tell him that he has broken your trust and he has to earn that back and his car. I would allow him to do extra chores with the other children or just around the house and remind him when he gets upset that he has proven to be a child and shall be treated as such. When he acts his age again then he can be treated his age. Make him do stuff like mow the yard and take the kids to the movies.

This will show him he needs to grow up. He may be on his own next year.

M.

Hi A., Yep, no doubt about it, 17 year olds can be difficult at times, an older virsion of the terrible twos. Taking the car away for a month will probably lead to more problems. I always let my son know how unhappy I was about untruths, but as you caught your son red handed in his lie, I would definitly let him know how upset and disappointed you were in him. Is there a girlfriend you don't know about, or was he out partying with friends? There had to be some plan hatched that he left the car in the parking lot. Anyway, I know we want our older teens to set agood example for their younger siblings, and it's disappointing to us parents, isn't it. Good luck and keep your chin up! Sincerely, CJ

A.,

I hate to say this but it might be possible your son has a drug problem. I would buy one of those over the counter tests for drug use and check just to be sure. Only a suggestion. Along with drug use goes lying and deception.

Hi A.,
Not to put too fine of a point on it, but you need to get to the bottom of this NOW!

I wouldn't start thinking of what to 'take away' just yet.
Find out if you have a problem...
Its probably something not too terrible,
he just didn't want to work that day and maybe saw a
girlfriend or something.
But you are the adult here. Don't forget that!

Just let him know you happened to be at his work that day, so you know he wasn't there.

Just ask in a "non-threating" way where he was.

Because HE knows, that you know, he wasn't at work that day.

As his manager told you, the manager PROBABLY also told your son the next time he saw him, you were there that night.
Your son is probably wondering why you haven't asked him anything yet, and he's waiting to see what you are going to do or say, first.

If this is something minor like the girlfriend thing, then ask him why he felt he needed to lie in the first place?
If its something more serious, wrong crowd, etc... then handle it after you find out if there is a real problem.
But let him know the lying HAS GO TO STOP NOW.
Hope I was helpful.

I think it would depend on what he was doing instead of being at work. Can you share more information?
:-)W.

My son told me a similar lie over a job (he had left them a note quitting the job and didn't want me to know), and it was pretty upsetting. Fortunately he is not a liar at heart, and the situation turned out alright. Do you know why he lied yet? A month seems like a long time to take it away, especially if he's never done it before. It will probably hurt him more if you tell him that he hurt your feelings by lying to you. I've found over the years if I say less and just let him know he hurt me it is more effective than punishment.

I think it really depends on the situation and why he did it.

A.,
No, you are not over reacting, as the mother of 3 teenagers myself, I would definetly take the car away. Do it now,before he can get away with it again. Remind him that driving is a priviledge, not a requirement. I have made some mistakes in the past, and not followed thru enough, make sure you mark you calendar for when you are able to give the car back, provided that he has earned it back. I would also try to find out where he really was. My oldest is 18, and I still require her to tell us where she is and when she can be expected back home. The last thing I want is for her to go missing, and have no idea of who
she was with, or when she was due home. I also have a list of their friends and phone #'s for each child. I learned these things from a class I took about child safety when they were small. An officer had come to the school to talk to parents about it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure....as the old saying goes. Good Luck:)
W.

Hate to tell you this, but children do lie, so don't feel that hurt. You may think this is the first time, but odds are it's not, and this is not uncommon. The closer children get to adulthood, the more they will try to push of limits of their parents. Try to remember when you were a kid, and all the things you may have pulled on your parents.

This is a teaching opportunity, that mother's always find out the truth, whether it be that moment, a day, a week, a month, or years from now.

Keep with the punishment, your not over reacting.

He lied, got caught, and there has to be a consequence. Taking the car away for a month for the first offense might be a bit tough. Maybe 2 weeks this time with the warning that next time it will be 4 weeks. I always told my boys that telling the truth, even if I did not like what they had to say, would always be less punishment than my finding out they had lied.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. Kids need to learn that your word is worth something. Follow through - you can do it.

He also owes you the truth about where he was and what he was doing - that you can check on. He has betrayed your trust and now he must earn it back.

A.,

I'm sorry to hear about your son lying to you. Sit your son down and have a talk with him about how much it hurt you that he lied. As far as the consequence, I say yes, take away his car for sure! Then he will get the picture that you are not to be lied to and that he has to earn your trust back. For a month, he will have to find alternate ways to work, school etc. Don't take him. Let him figure it out on his own. Good luck to you and stay strong!

Molly

Hi A.,
What do you think his reaction upon returning would have been if you had the car towed? LOL Putting that aside, I think you have received some sound advice and are not being unreasonable at all; action equals consequence.
I hope he grows to realize the high value of mutual trust. A good barometer for him may be if he is not comfortable with being honest about where he is going it might not be such a good idea in the first place. We (Mom & Dad) have talked with our kids about their need for developing independence and at the same time talked about how if we don't know their "flight plan" so-to-speak, it will make matters more difficult in reaching/assisting them should the need arise. It would also definitely impact our trust in them as well as their availability to attend future functions. In this quirky, yet wonderful, role of parenthood we are continually challenged with a balancing act. It sounds like you are doing a great job as a loving, connected parent; your son is fortunate. He actions were intended to hide something he did not want public and, perhaps to shield you from something he thought would hurt you and might disapprove of. Keeping the lines of communication open/going is key. Wishing you a heart mending outcome.

Myself I would start by letting him know your heart, talking to him honestly and letting him know that lying to you really hurt you and hurt the trust between the two of you and ask him if he could NOW be honest with you and explian why he felt he had to lie to you and go from there. It is very hard but I think when we are that open and honest example that our teens can prayfully follow that example and then know that they do not have to lie to us they can come to us and tell us what is on their heart and we will be honest in return. I have 14year old twins and I already have had oh so much fun on this roller coaster ride of raising teens, but I was told by another Mom that if you think it is a wild and crazy ride for us, what do you think it is like for them? If honesty is what we would like to receive from our children I think we should be honest with them first.