Teenage Stepdaughters Friends Are Weird

Hi S.. I'm M.. I have a 16 year old step daughter. The hardest job I have EVER taken on in my life. I don't have any advice about her friends, but sometimes I just need someone to "vent" to about the teenager. If you ever need to vent let me know! I'm looking for someone I can talk to that I can be confident will keep what I say confidentinal. We have two boys as well. My son is 15 and my step son is 12. I "like" them much better. Why are they so different? So much easier.
Well take care and good luck with a touchy situation.

im 23 so it wasnt very long ago that i was a teenager. in my experience the overly peirced and foul mouthed kids are usually the most harmless. i hung out with this same crowd when i was younger and i stayed out of alot more trouble than i would have hanging out with the popular "normal" looking kids. i found that most of the "normal" kids were doing most of the drinking and drugs where as my friends for the most part stayed out of it. no offense but i think you should look past their outer appearance and give them a chance before you make a judgement on them. to this day i still have visible tattoos and piercings but it doesnt change the fact that i am a good mother. im just not the normal run of the mill mom. im not saying that there arent the few bad kids that are a little weird but for the most part they seem to be less affected by peer pressure and they also dotn really care what people think of them thats why they look they way they do. give em a chance before you push them away from your daughter. these kids dont need to be prayed for or pushed away they need to be given a chance. theres a reason why your daughter gravitates toward them. besides looks they are normal teenagers with the same growing pains as any teenager would have.

The way my mom kept tabs on me and my sister and our friends was that our house was the place that everyone could coe over and hang out. What's funny is although everyone thought my mom was so "cool" and they were able to talk to her about things they wouldn't/couldn't tell their parents, she was actually the strictest parent. I had the earliest curfew, wasn't allowed to get my driver's license until a year after everyone else, etc... I think that she ended up being the coolest because all kids thrive on those boundaries, no matter how much they "hate" them

Love them. Pray for them. Affirm what's "cool" and unique about them. Be what may be the one positive influence in their lives. And make sure you do the same for your own daughter, so that her approval, love, and guidance comes from you and not from the rest of the world (I recommend the "Five Love Languages" books for ideas on how to do this.)

If you're so inclined, you might also want to seek out a church that has a strong teen program. The inclusiveness and challenging lessons I see in my church's "Axis" program has really impressed me. Here you see what you'd expect (from appearances) to be the "cool kids" and the "rejects", all getting together and supporting each other under a youth pastor who's both tough and very real. In case you're interested, my church is Mosaic (Bible-based nondenominational) in Oakland, near Winter Garden/Clermont. I was also impressed with the spirited teen community (and humorous, inspiring teachings) at Idlewild Baptist in Tampa. And there are plenty more to choose from! I'll be praying for you and for all the parents of teens out there!

You need to give people a chance, especially young people. I have an 18 year old so I know what I am talking about. I've judged based on stereotypes and looks when it came to my daughter but I learned to get to know them and found that they are just as weird as we are...basically, no difference. Maybe you should get together with the kids and see what they are about. Maybe the mall or something and actually try to remember when you were young and how adults always thought the same of us. I'm just saying give them a chance, kids these days are so ready to be grown as we were that all they need is good guidance, maybe you can be one of those moms who can guide her friends as well as her. About the piercings, alot of kids see it as fashion and jewelry. I have the marilyn pierce and it felt fun and exciting...Its not a bad thing to do.

you say she's moved in with you- is it full-time?

maybe try counseling w/ her? don't use 'her' as the excuse, use yourself, lol, tell her you are interested in counseling so that you can be a better step-mother
it's an adjustment for everyone, it seems...

S.,

That's sticky territory. It sounds like she may just be trying to get you or your husband's attention. My advice would be do not forbid her from hanging out with her friends, she will do it behind your back anyway. Offer to get to know her friends better at your house. Then talk to the friends as much as you can to figure out what type of home life they have and maybe even get to know their parents. I usually insist on speaking with the parents before kids come to our house just to make sure the parents actually know they are coming.

Also, at her mom's I would try and not dwell on it. You can only control what happens at your house. There must be a reason she came to live with you instead of staying with her mom.

Good luck.

Well, it seems to me she's living with you guys at the age of 14 for a reason, right? Her mother probably didn't say/do much to help her choose her friends wisely. As parents, we have to set a GOOD example for our kids to have something to go by. As for the kids that are coming into your house with the foul mouths, you need to set them straight with YOUR rules at YOUR house and let them and step-daughter know it's unacceptable behavior. It's unfortunate that we have to let our kids choose their own friends, but that's what helps them figure out who they are too, ya know? As long as she knows right from wrong and sees you and her father practicing these things, she will follow your lead. She must understand that things are different at each parents' house, and rules applied at her fathers' shall be followed or she won't be allowed to have "these weird friends" over at your house. If you see these people reflecting on her behavior, I'd just not allow her to be around those bad influences.

Hang on and bite a bullet because this is going to be a bumpy ride my friend.
My son went through the gothic thing at age 14, his friends were freaks, into drugs, smoking, drinking and everything else that goes along with it.
We moved to Florida right before then and the move, new schools, me being pregnant was just not a good combo for him and those emotional teen times. It was really his 14th year that was the big problem.
He was grounded for 3 months and my ex-Navy husband installed boot camp. My son is now 18 1/2 and going off to college in the fall and is the greatest kid you'd ever want to meet. You all will get through it and she'll come out fine, but you have to be very firm with her and strong.
Email me directly and I can tell you more specifics. My son will tell you that he is glad we were that way with him otherwise he would have been lost forever.
Hope I can help,
T.

As it maybe sensitive coming from you, talk to your husband about this. It should come across as his idea and maybe her mom's if she's game. Or you can wait it out, it'll take a few years but she'll see it's not attractive.

I know of the teen wierdness only because of my nephew. I would suggest that you actually get to know the kids. Invite them over for a pizza party where you can trap them in the dining area for at least a little while. Make sure your house rules are clearly posted by the door or the fridge. Get a white board or a cork board and list the basic house rules, this way the foul mouth coolness can be taken away without you being the witch. I was able to meet and get to know my nephew's friends at his funeral and realized that even though they looked very goth, weird,etc. that they were some of the sweetest kids I had ever met and they really cared about their friends. Truely, it doesn't matter what they look like. Most are just trying to get attention that they don't get at home. Make sure that they know your rules and follow them while there, but that doesn't mean you have to be a tyrant. You can be nice to these kids and maybe become a house that they want to hang out at. It will be a little easier to keep an eye on what your step daughter is doing that way also. Hope this helps!!

Unfortunately you can't pick her friends, and the more you try to control it the more she will want to hang with them.

Are you just having an issue with the piercings? I mean any teen, "normal looking" or not can be a bad influence. Not to sound rude but I think you might need to stop judging ppl by their looks. I guess if you met me you would think I'm "weird" I have quite a few visible tattoos and piercings but that doesn't make me a bad mom. I just don't fit into a box like most ppl do.

She's 14, 14 for me was HARD, no matter who my friends were. Why don't you get to know these kids? Invite them over for movie night, pizza party etc. That's one really good way to weed out the ones you prob don't want around, they see the parent is involved and won't be back, but the ones that have nothing to hide will think your cool and want to stick around.

Dear S.,

I'm a Mother of (2) Step mother of (2) total 4...
The old saying about being judged by the company we keep, well some can look past all that stuff, but I had a hard time myself. With one's natural children the parent has more control, and more leverage. If her well being is at stake by the friends "since friends do have an influence" then you as a step parent have limited options, so try to make them count.(They usally do radical things to their bodies because of low esteem/following the scene or it's a scream for attention/any kind of attention..Address your concern with the natural parents and work with them, try not to let this issue divide you from your husband. (speaking with experience) If he has respect for you then he will hear you..... Other than that your only hope is to build and keep an open repore with your step-daughter addressing your concerns about her well being.
My step son has come home in the summers with spiked bleached hair, his mother is a hair dresser and believes he has a right to express himself. The dad gets upset...Once it doesn't become an issue or gets the attention the fad is lost... My son wore his hair long from 7th Grade til just this week, he got a buzz cut and it was his choice. They are learning to make choices in their lives and learning from them. His dad gave me a hard time at first but his grades were good. His grandmother even told me he looked like he was wearing a mop one summer. Well did it bother me, yes, but at least he grew out of it...Having longer hair wasn't worth the battle, because you must choose your battles so save them for the really hard stuff...As long as the grades are good,don't let the little stuff bug ya...At least she's not the one with the piercings ect...if she's wise, then she will see this and her friends as they are, making a choice to be like them or keep her own identity.
Good Luck and take care...
L. M