My 16 year old grand-daughter lost her mom when she was 12. She has always been under the influence and very close to the boy my daughter adopted, who was 9 years older than her. She has been dressing differently for as long as I can remember, as did he, often with odd colored hair and once with a mohawk. He left when their mother died with his wife to California and now has a ton of tattoos, as does his wife, and owns a tattoo palor while she is a ER nurse.
I never thought that Id see the day that she would date a boy like him.
He is 17, going on 18 and has 3 tattoos, a pink mohawk, a lipring, wears gawdy pants and boots. I do not like him just for the fact that I do not want her to end up like her "brother" and his wife, which is exactly what she wants.
They dated from october 09 till june 10 and she just said that they had a bad fight and she was being unforgiving.
It is also very embarrasing for me to be with them at the mall or anything. His mother seems happy to take them places, and I wish I could be like that, but if my friends were to see me I dont know what Id do. He treats her well, always buying her nice things and taking her out to dinner on the weekends. Hes nice to me an dmy boyfriend, but Im jsut very upset that she might end up being the tattooed woman she wants to be.
Seriously?
I'm sorry, but I don't think any of the things you mentioned (tattoos, a pink mohawk, a lipring, gawdy pants and boots) are indicators of character, which IS, after all, what you're really concerned with, aren't you?
I also responded to your other post about the same issue.
my mom tells a GREAT story about when she was a teenager. jeans were not something the 'civilized' folks wore when my mom was little. you put on jeans to work on the farm and then you didn't wear them anywear.
Imagine my grandmothers HORROR when they became the fashion. My mom tells a story of my grandmother refusing to leave the house with my mom because she had put on a pair of jeans to go to the grocery store. My grandmother was mortified about what people would think about them and how my mom would be judged as having no ability to be civil or act decent in public.
Hee Hee.
What's really very sad about your post is that you are unable to accept your granddaughter for who she is. You even say that you don't want her to be who she wants to be. I would be very sad if someone I loved didn't want or accept or love me AS ME.
You are doing your granddaughter a dis-service by placing so much weight on appearances. I'm sure your granddaughter can feel your disapproval and after already suffering what must have been a devastating loss of her mother, she could probably really use some unconditional love from you.
Please try to see past what color her hair is, or if her shoes match or if she has a tatoo. Look at her value system, how she treats others, is she learning and education herself, does she have dreams. See if you can look at her and see those beautiful qualities that she will need to become a strong woman.
You asked this exact same question earlier and got a lot of great answers. He sounds like a really nice guy and seems to treat your granddaughter really well. She is only 16 and a lot can change in her life between now and adulthood. It sounds like her brother is doing really well for himself and his wife. She could have a lot worse role model in her life than a successful business owner who just happens to have a physical appearance you don;t approve of. Get over your superficial judgments or you may end up alienating your granddaughter and loose her from your life over something so inconsequential as her (or her boyfriends) physical appearance,
When I was younger... a young college girl.... I dated a singer from a rock band. He had a Mohawk and tattoos and dyed hair. He'd pick me up on his motorcycle, at my home, while I lived with my parents at that time.
My DAD said: he didn't mind what the boy looked like, but all that mattered was that he was a productive citizen in society, treated me well, and was not a jerk.
This guy mind you, was very bright, educated, talented, creative, sensible, off-beat, outside the box, and was a straight A, COLLEGE student himself, and had impeccable manners.
So, how he looked, was no indication of 'what' he was.
I also at one time, dated a guy that was a Professional Skateboarder. Long hair, tattoos, punk style. Very smart. He has his own business and was Sponsored by huge corporations.
So, how he looked, was no indication of 'what' he was.
Your Grand-daughter's older brother, owns his own business and his Wife is an ER nurse.
That sounds, very respectable to me.
Oh. might I add. I myself, dressed different, was into punk, had a mohawk myself, but was a normal everyday college girl.
I today, do not look like that of course.
It is no indication of "what" I am. Then, nor now.
I am educated, double majored in college, had straight A's, too.
Now, I am a Mom. To 2 great kids. And a Husband. Living a normal life.
all the best,
Susan
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Shouldn't the real issue be how he treats her, not how he looks? Would you rather her be with a guy who wears cardigans and loafers with short hair, but treats her crappy?
So you don't want your granddaughter to date someone who treats her well, and is kind to her and you, because he looks different? Um would you rather her date some preppy frat boy who is a date raper? I mean at least you could take him to the country club.
My advice, get over it. It sounds like he is a good kid. So what he looks different. Sounds like her brother and his wife are doing GREAT looking the way they do. Don't judge. this is the second time you have posted this question and you are getting the same answers as last time. Move on and let her be who she is and who she wants to be so you don't drive her away.
I agree with many of the previous posters - a business owner and an ER nurse are very respectable. If they (the brother and boyfriend) are decent, kind, law-abiding citizens I don't see what the issue is. A 16 year old will go through a dozen personas before she finally "grows up" and figures out who she is. If this guy treats her well and she is happy and being responsible then I think you need overlook the hair and tattoos! It's just hair and tattoos!! She could be dating a gorgeous, preppy football player who puts her down, hits her and pressures her into drinking and drugging. I know I'm being a little harsh, but seriously, think about it. It sounds like your grand daughter has had some struggles so far in life, give her a break, support her, love her, get over your insecurities.
A., I think the 26 answers you got the first time you asked this question were pretty spot on...
Who are you (or your friends) to judge a person by the way they look? He's nice, treats her well and she's happy. That's all that matters.
What if she were dating a clean cut guy who was mean to her and treated her terribly?? Would you be ok with that because you wouldn't be embarrassed of him in public?
I really don't get it. Seems like you're being judgemental.
The fact that people have tattoos, or piercings, or "weird " fashions, is no reflection on the type of people they are inside - it has no bearing on their character, their morals, or the type of adults they will eventually grow up to be. My older stepson is 17, he has a few piercings, and he has had his hair in stringy dreadlocks for the past year. Do I like it? No. But I can't make him wear his hear different or choose different clothes. His mother does not want him to get tattoos but once he is 18, I'm sure he will, and the thing is, once they are 18, they are legally adults and can do whatever they want (except legally drink).
What you should realize is that they are not the only kids in the world with tattoos, piercings, odd clothes and crazy hair - there are thousands and millions of other kids just like them. It's ironic that many of these kids do these things to be "unique" and yet also are trying to look a lot like others with the same appearances. Point being is that they are in good company. Remember too that what your granddaughter thinks is cool now might be a different story in 10 or 20 years and she has kids of her own.
Don't risk alienating them just because you don't like how they look. Accept them for who they are and what they look like. Stop worrying about what others will think - you are too concerned that their appearance is somehow a reflection on you and your values. Would her mother have been more accepting?
The main thing to take into consideration is the person's character since it matters more than anything else. I don't care if someone has a mohawk or lip ring as long as they're decent human beings. Heck, I used to hang out with "Mohawk Girl" when she was still at my high school and we'd have deep conversations about life and love during PE. Admittedly, I'd never date a guy who looked like that, but I just have different preferences. She might change her mind in the future; teens have a tendency to be fickle.
I'm not getting what you mean by "a boy like him"? If you are talking about his hair, clothes, piercings, and tattoos, that is not who he is, that is a style that he is wearing. Who he is, from your description, is a nice boyfriend who treats her well, takes her to dinner, and buys her nice things.
I have a tattoo and a naval piercing, I'm also going to have a PhD within the next two years. I'll be 50 in March and have three grandchildren. Most in my immediate family have multiple tattoos and piercings.
Over half of all people under 30 have tattoos, which makes owning a tattoo parlor a fine business to be in. If your granddaughter ends up like her brother and his wife, she'll have a professional job or be a business owner. I also wonder why you put brother in quotations, as he is her brother, just adopted not biological.
We can't go through life being embarrassed by choices others make, only our own. If your friends see her and her boyfriend, I hope you introduce them with pride and have something nice to say about who they are, not something bad about how they look.
We all have personal preferences on appearance, but tatoos and piercings do not always mean a person is a bad seed. An elder at my church has a tatoo!! lol
I know it has to be hard being a mom and a grandma. If this boy is genuinely treating her right and respecting her as a young woman, back off a bit. Keep raising her right..set reasonable limits and remember that she is probably just as embarrassed by how you and your friends dress!! I remember being MORTIFIED by my mom's close in the teen years.
So you don't want her to be a business owner or a nurse....both fine professions as far as I can tell. Like I said to your other post...you need to get over the fact that he doesn't look the way you want him to. He isn't YOUR boyfriend and, again, if he treats her well and SHE likes him then I think you need to step back. Are you sure you aren't more concerned with the fact that your granddaughter is going to move away like her brother did? You lost your daughter and don't want to lose your granddaughter either type of thing? Perhaps I presume too much. Obviously you are hung up on the issue of appearance (though I think it might be deeper than that) and peer pressure (what would your friends think...) and, frankly, at your age (which I am guessing is at least 50) you should be able to get past wondering what your friends would think. If they ask tell them that your granddaughter picked a boy whom she likes, he likes her, they have fun as a couple, they treat each other well, they are happy, etc.
As for the tattoos......did you know Thomas Edison had a tattoo (in fact he invented what was to become the modern tattoo machine)? So did Queen Victoria. As did Winston Churchill's mother (and *gasp* she had her nipples pierced). Andrew Jackson had one. So did James Buchanan. The Iceman. Queen Kamamalu. On and on the list goes. I would say these people did pretty well for themselves in spite of being tattooed.
it sounds to me like her brother did pretty well for him self. a business an educated wife and im guessing there happy. what more could you want for your granddaughter. it is understandable that she looks up to her big brother, you didn't say if the kid is in to drugs and stuff. i guess the first thing that i thought of was the old phrase clothes don't a man make.i guess that could be said for hair too.
I'm not sure what having tattoos has to do with personality. My husband has a tattoo and had several piercings when he was in college and is a very successful engineer (and now ultraconservative). Tats aren't my thing, but half my family has them and they are good and loving people.
If he's good to her and to you, then leave it along. Boys with "clean cut" appearances can be jerks just as easily. I'm sorry that you are embarassed by her appearance, but that's really your issue to deal with.
By the way, there are worse people she could emulate than a successful business owner and a nurse.
you know what, A.? get over your judgmental self. i responded to your previous post. yes, i'm a former punkrocker and am now a professional engineer. i have tattoos. i'm well-educated. i still love punk music. see? these things are not exclusive. i also have many, many friends who are tattoo artists. they make a good living and support their families. what would be wrong with that? NOTHING is what. love her for her. love the brother for him. people are who they are. is she embarrassed to be seen with you? no? maybe she should be.
I did not read your other answers, but guess what I did see your other post about being "embarrassed" about your granddaughters boyfriend and now you make this post as well! You are just embarrassed of this boy and isn't the boy your own daughter adopted, wouldn't you consider him your own grandson????? I think your daughter might be looking down and frowning right now on how you are frowning a pone her "children" and yes the older boy in California is her son! And of course your granddaughter might take after him, she cherished him as a brother! Maybe if you are so worried about it, maybe call up the older brother and have him talk to the "boyfriend" to see what his intentions are with your granddaughter, maybe he can get a "feel" for the truth if he isn't already telling your granddaughter the truth. But I tell you what. If you don't knock if off you are going to push your granddaughter further out of your house, and yes just buy talking about how her boyfriend looks our how "embarrassing" it is to be out with them! Believe me she won't want to be around you anymore and spend all her time with just him and won't want to be around you anymore.....Think about it and leave the subject alone and as long as he is treating her with respect and you with respect them leave them alone!!!!! It will be the best thing in the future for you!!!
No offense, but the problem lies with you. Not her. She is happy being who she is. I am saddened that you can't accept her as she is. She may not live to your standard, but please try to love her like she is---not who you want her to be or who you want her to date. Best wishes!
M
AGAIN, is this a joke? You can reword this post however you want, but you are being judgmental! You are only focusing on his appearance not his character. AGAIN, this is a learning moment for you... I think deep down you don't care how your GD is treated, you just want her to be with someone and BE someone that you are willing to be seen in public with...and that is sad, sad, sad.
I realize that being a tattoo artist is not what you desire for your granddaughter but a tattoo artist is just that an artist, if the artwork was on a board would you be so against it? I know for me getting a tattoo is not something that I would do but I have family members with tattoos. It does not make me love them any less. I also may not approve of the way my SIL encouraged her well developed teen to dress but I do not love them any less becasue of it. A tattoo parlor is a place that provides a service, much like a beauty/barber shop, a dr's. office, post office, nail salon, bank etc... All these places provide a service. As long as the business is run properly, does nothing illegal and can keep it's doors open then it is an asset to the community. Just because you do not like a certain service that is provided does not mean that it is wrong, it just means that you can choose to not partake of that service that is offered.
You said that the brother and the wife now live in CA and own a tattoo parlor and work as an ER nurse....They seem to be making a decent living for themselves and are independent.....I'm not sure what the issue with her wanting to be like that is........? The tattoos may turn you off, but once she turns 18, the decision is her's.....
Also, please do not judge people for the way they look......People who have tattoos or piercings are not BAD people and they are not rebelling, dangerous, druggies, criminals, etc......Some are...just as some without all the tattoos are too.....
I have one tattoo and plan to get more of my children's names.....I teach Special Needs and have the personality to match that profession......My tattoo is small and hidden because of my work, but it is there and it doesn't make me any less of a person.....My mom has 3....We went to get her 2nd and my 1st together..She is a successful business woman and is one of the sweetest people and GREATEST mother on the planet!....My best friend has so many I lost count. She works in retail management and is another one of the kindest, gentlest people I've ever met......My sister has 4-5 (can't remember) and she is finishing school to be a teacher and has tattoos that are hidden because of the profession she's chosen. She is mild-mannered and would bend over backwards to help you anyway she could.....My husband has 5 and wants more....He would love to have an entire sleeve done on his arm.....He treats me like a princess and provides for our family as a Correctional Officer....He LOVES our daughter with everything he has and often spends "Daddy and Me" days with her even after working long 12 hour shifts for days at a time....He is a wonderful man........
My point is: Look inside and you will see the person.....some people think tattoos are art and some don't, but please do not judge or shut yourself off to people because of how they look.....If you think that someone clean-cut will treat her better or be a better match or whatever, you may be VERY wrong...Looks do not tell you ANYTHING about a person, some may argue....but I have been surprised (good and bad) by the way people act and how they look.......
Ok, so you have friends, that might judge you based on your granddaughter and you are not wanting that to happen.... Are you in high school? Wait, your a grandmother... are your friends in high school? I will recommend getting grown up friends in a closer age group to you because a woman your age needs friends that are not in high school.
You seem more upset about "looks" and what your friends don't seem to care about anything else. Kinda selfcentered... more than kinda... but if it really bothers you then just don't take them anywhere ever and in fact maybe never see them again. That way your "friends" won't act childishly about it because you will NEVER be seen with her and this boy so they can not see you together.
Other than that, I can't think of ANYTHING you can do.
