Teenage Daughter Problems.

I just wanted to say that I used to be the same 15 yr old girl you are talking about. I was out of control and really all I was looking for was attention. And then when my mother would give it to me I pushed her away because I didn't want her to know that I was soft. I know doesn't make sense now. I have been disappointed by men all my life starting with my dad. I am married now to a wonderful man but I just lucked out, i really didnt' know how to pick them. Here are some suggestions. Take her somewhere that she liked to go when she was a kid and talk to her. Tell her about mistakes you made when you were younger, tell her about mistakes you've made in parenting her and then ask her for her help. What does she think will help the relationship, and no matter what she says or how wierd, selfish, or rude it sounds, acknowledge it. Her anger comes from fear. She is afraid of something. Open up to her and she will not forget it. I never did.

I think I can relate on your daughters side of things. I am a new young mom. 22 and I just had my first baby girl. My mother is now out of her 3rd marriage and her second ended in a very tragic manner. She is currently about to walk into her 4 th. My mother's decisions effected me greatly. Men jumping in and out of my life and not very "nice" men either. They always seemed ok in the beginning.
Sounds like you both need to learn to talk and listen to one another. She is threatening to run away but why does she want to run away? There is obviously an underlying reason. Sometimes you need to just listen. I think counseling will help her figure out how to get out what she is trying to tell you. I think it would be a great thing for you to go with her and get some counseling yourself. I would discuss counseling with her. I would try to show her how it may benefit her. Make a deal with her. Ask her to go for you even. So you can better understand her. It should not be used as a formof punishment. No one wants to be FORCED to talk to someone. Would you? That is just going to make her want to rebel against the idea even more. Then she will want to not go just to be spiteful. Take this as a first step in openning the lines of communication. If anything else find a website support group for teens and suggest it to her or just leave it up on the computer screen when you know she will be on. So she can discover it for herself. Be a mom but also be a friend. You have to be the one to show her how to get through this rough time. First heart breaks are horrible. Sounds like you are doing your best to work with her. I think you are going in the right direction. I think if my mom had taken more of an interest at that age and listened we would have a more stable relationship today. Good luck! :-)

I usually type long messages but, I have to download a bunch of Christmas pics... It will be a challenge for me to make some important and brief points... let's see how I do.

She does sound very typical.

If it helps any, I have a 16 year old daughter. She doesn't want a boyfriend. She says, that she watches her friends go through different boyfriends every couple of months. She sees their hearts get broken, and frankly, the drama is boring and repetative to her. She realizes that the HS world is a very brief period in ones life and most folks move on and don't even keep contact with HS friends, nevertheless; HS boyfriends. She tells me that boys are not worth the heart break at this age. That girls should wait until they've grown up a bit and are in their mid to late 20s. She also says that her plan is to promote herself first, through college, and do everything she wants to do before she lays it aside for marriage, children, and family time priorities. Having a boyfriend of any kind right now would only be a distraction from her living her best life.

She did go through the boyfriend phase in 8th grade. He was one year older. He was rediculously more emotional than her. She grew tired of his emotional games and feeling like she was on a roller coaster. The relationship lasted about 3 months. Since, then, she's maintained some genuine relationships with male friends (who I think may have a crush on her) but, she's very clear with everyone that she's not interested in more. Whenever she references to her "boyfriend" phase, she just says, "Man I was stupid. What was I thinking? I can't believe I thought he was so important. Well, that's all behind me now."

-Maybe, you can share another HS girls perspective with your daughter. Not every girl in HS cares about the peer pressure to have a boyfriend.

And my final points:

Thank God for Grandma... even if your daughter bounces back and forth between the two of you, just think of it as soft place to land.

As far as counceling goes... if she's got you and Gram to talk to and you all share a bond wih her, she may not need a councelor. Shouldn't most typical problems be resolved within the family anyways?

OK, gotta go,

Keep us updated.

Hi R.,

Having fairly recently been a teenager myself (I'm 27 in March) I remember a lot about how it felt to be that age.. My mother had always tried to be more of a friend than a disciplinarian and although I turned out okay - it could've been much, much better. What I wanted when I was 15 was to be left alone. I thought I was grown. I thought I knew everything I needed to know in the world and I thought no one could possibly understand my pain. Feelings were incredibly intense then.. I cut on myself and slept around to try to feel better about myself.

I am happy to be the person I am today and have accomplished many things. However, I would not have had to struggle quite so much if I had been given clearer boundaries. I would have had much more faith and security in my mothers ability to parent me if she had behaved more like a parent and less like a girlfriend. I would have known what to do about the feelings I had because I would have been given safe parameters to discuss and cope with my feelings in a productive way. I guess I'm trying to say that, 15 is a tough age - even if your daughter thinks she knows who she is and what she needs and wants, she doesnt. She needs you to guide her gently but firmly into adulthood.. because you know what it takes to be an adult, she doesnt - yet.

hope I didnt offend and good luck!
-B.

Hi- First of all, let me just say that she sounds a bit like me at that age (I am 36 now) Second, I ran away from home too, only I didnt tell anyone what I was planning...What Im trying to say is, although I know nothing about your daughter, to me, if she were going to run, she would have. She sounds more like she really wants your attention than anything else, even if she says the opposite. She needs to see that you and Gram will always be her safe haven, and that she can have a blast without a boyfriend in her life, as painful as it seems now. Maybe you could have "girls" night with her, you know, start something fun for the two of you and possibly re-connect? Go shopping together and buy yourselves something small, order a pizza rent a movie, or get pedicures together....maybe get your hair done together....whatever it is, just spend some "girl" time where she can be herself and feel beautiful, and you can discover things about her, and yourself for that matter, and have a closer relationship with your daughter. Have fun together-

I know what you are going through. I must have been the worst teenager in the world. I wasn't very educated about sex, drugs, etc. So that is probably why I got pregnant by 14 and on drugs shortly after. Now that I am 26 and I have repaired my life, I can see where my parents went wrong. All you need to do is EDUCATE your daughter on everything, then let her make her own mistakes. Don't force her to do anything, she will just get pushed farther away. She needs to know that you trust her. Don't go through her things! Don't ground her if you don't want her to run away. Set a reasonable curfew, know where she 's going and who she is going with. Other than that, let her GO. Counseling-well that could work. You might just wana let her know that you are there for her. You want her to be honest with you and let you in on her life. Well she's not going to do that until you back off and let her come to you. Give her the tools(education)and let her go. Thats all you can do.

Sounds like a typical teenage girl. Maybe get some counseling or find a support group for yourself in order to get advice on how to handle her. :)

R.-

The long and short of it is, yes. Your daughter did say those things to hurt and manipulate you. She may feel some hurt over breaking up with her boyfriend, but that's not the last time she'll have her heart broken by a boy. And if I remember clearly enough, 15 is a tough age for a girl. She will complain, bitterly and frequently that you don't give her enough "freedom". You could give her everything that she wants, all the "freedom" she's asking for, and she'd still complain.

Your job is not to make her happy, but to set and stick to limits for her. Unfortunately, her job is to test the limits you set. But please don't blame yourself for her pain. If men in her life have caused her pain, then it's the men that get the blame. It is not your fault that others have hurt her.

As for the councelling idea, I don't know that it would really help if she's unwilling to go.

If you want more ideas on how to deal with your daughter, I highly recommend "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend

Just remember that you are the parent and she is your child. Don't let yourself be blamed and manipulated by her. Find some good friends who will stand by you with help and advice for when the going gets tough. I wish you luck.
-B.-

Hi Rhonda !
You are doing the right thing by staying in front of her. Counseling may work but her knowing that you are not giving up on her will show her that you and your mother will not let her down. 15 things seem like the end of the world but just being there and listening to her is going to make a world of difference !!!

R.,

You certainly have your hands full. One thing that you might try is to have some quiet time with your daughter, and ask her quietly and loveingly how she is, and what is the most important thing in the world to her. Talk to her like she is a friend, not a daughter, do not try to coax her to do thus and so. Just listen mostly and tell her that you have those same feelings and wishes, if that is true, tell her your plans and what you like best. The more you try to force her the worse it is going to be for both of you. Be loving and non judgemental, tell her you need help on something for the class you are teaching or the class your are taking. Good luck to you and your daughter. She is really suffering right now, and so are you.

Maybe you can find an easy to read book at the library that you two can skim through together to learn about other people's lives. My grandson had the same type of experience in his early life. EVERY man in his life let him down, parent, grandparent, uncle, etc. He probably was very hurt, but he also never tried to get even with them. He just tried to be a decent fellow and deal with it. Those men were much more immature than he was and now is. He is a wonderful guy and a good parent. My mother was really difficult and ended up dying without being more loveing to me. I just feel sorry that she wasn't happy. Good wishes and again good luck to you both. C. N.

Hey R. don't give up on talking to your daughter BUT give her time & space and most of all let her know you will LISTEN while she talks and sometimes give advice if she asks for it. I say sometimes because sometimes you can't help but give it without being asked. That's when I tell my daughter ok here's the advice I wasn't going to give. She always rolls her eyes and says oh boy... I say "my peace" quickly and move on. I'm also the mother of a teenage girl. One day we reached a common ground where she can tell me anything without me getting "mad" and sometimes its not easy but I made the deal with her so I have to follow it. Now when something is bothering her I ask are you ok? If she says yes but I can tell she's not I say if you need to talk you know where to find me. And believe me she does. Car rides with your daughter to the mall work wonders. Let your daughter know if she doesn't want to talk now you will be here when she does and let her come to you. "Hold on loosly but don't let go" And my best advice is remember you were 15 once and would you want your mom to "preach" or just be your friend? Good Luck.

R.,
I know things are hard now and she has been let down a lot. I know how that feels. Right now she feels she needs to be angery at the let downs. She has to find someone to take the anger out on and you are her pick. Yes counseling will be good but if there is some one else she can trust then she will be able to let them know what is going on and then they can tell you. Maybe that would be a better way to start it then to just push her into counseling. The counselor won't be ale to tell you anything because of patient doctor privlage.
I myself have a daughter that is going to be 15 this year and her brotheris going to be 18 this year. I am close with my 15 year old and she tells me everything and won't tell her dad. Has your new husband tried to interact with her during this breakup she has been going through?

Try and see if she can trust men or not and that might be the problem. Your just the escape goat right now for her anger.

15 is a rough age and when life is testing you it is even harder.
Just make sure she knows you love her, she deserves happiness, and things will get better.
Try taking up some relaxing meditation or yoga with her.
Go for a walk,
no talking, if she wants to talk listen, but no talking for you.
Take her on a hike, go jogging move her energy.
Distract her with something out of the ordinary.
I know these things seem kinda weird, but when your out in nature it could be the best counseling ever.
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best
I know what she's going thru, she wants help, she just hasn't found what will truly help her.
Look to alternative ways, they might intrigue her.

Try not to worry. She will get through this and so will you. Don't over react to her words. Just respond to her actions. This is the advice I give to myself. I have two adult boys, one teenage girl, one preteen boy and two more little girls. I have found counseling and parenting classes are a big help with raising children of "today". None of my children attended counseling but they benefitted from me going. I was able to blow off steam and get very good advice. Go for yourself and bring a box of tissue. Then you can let the counselor tell you if she thinks your daughter needs to go or if it's just typical teenage stuff. The counselor may even have suggestions on how to manipulate your daughter into going. I wouldn’t try to force your daughter unless she is hurting herself.

I agree with Kristy. This sounds typical. However, you said that she's had some rough things happen to her. Those may need to be dealt with. Some negative experiences make the teen years a whole lot worse.

Both my daughter and I went to counseling, sometimes together so that we could learn how to communicate with each other and sometimes separately so that we could deal with our own issues. We went to the same counselor.

Because she is threatening to run away I definately advice getting counseling. She's 15. You can require that she go. There should be a consquence if she won't go.

It's good that she has a Gramma to stay with for cooling off time. Everyone needs to have more than one person that they can talk to.

You could also get some books from the library that will give you some ideas about what is going on and how to handle it. However, I recommend starting with professional help. Because of "the rough things" that have happened to her.

I believe that the complaining about not having enough freedom is most likely manipulation. What has worked for me is to listen to the complaints and be sympathetic but stick to the rules. All kids manipulate. That is how they learn to get along in the world. They're finding out what works and what doesn't. Try not to take it personally. That will help both of you alot.

The teen years are difficult. Hang in there. They do grow up.

Hi R.,

I know exactly what you are going through. The same thing happened to my daughter and myself. She is 16. Will be 17 in March. She is not even living here right now. It just got too bad. Sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes. She used to say the same things to me. I never remarried and I really didn't bring any men around her when she was young because I didn't want her to feel "abandoned" if things did not work out but after awhile, you have to do what makes you happy. When they get older they have to learn to respect you as a parent and know that you have always done what is best for them and the best that you can do for your family. My daughter has a hard time realizing that. She is stubborn, which she gets from me by the way, and thinks that she knows everything and can do whatever she wants. Kids need to learn that we are their parents and we know what's best because we've been through the same things in our lives and they need to respect us for who we are. I really don't have great advice, like I said, I'm going through the same thing with my daughter but I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one going through this with their teenager. I happen to know alot of people with the same problem. Kids are different now-a-days. I would of never been able to pull off half the stuff they do now with my parents. We were blessed but you dont realize that until you get older and have a family of your own.
Good Luck!!

Hi R.,
I am new to this group also and this is the first time I am responding to someone. I just have to say that I have been in her shoes!!! I have to ask... does she have a good relationship with her dad at all??? that is probably the number one problem... my experience is that since I didn't have a sold father figure in my life I looked for something to fill that void elsewere. It led me to some problems but really it has shaped me into the person and mother i am today. I just wish that my mother was harder on me. I wish she didn't let me talk to her the way your daughter is talking to you. I got away with everything because my mother was so much like you. Don't let her get away with talking to you and threatening you like that. Tell her you love her. I know it is hard but if that does not work, let her learn on her own. That is what I had to do. and actually it worked. I kind of wish that i could talk to you in person. I would love to share more of my opinion but mother duties call. I hope I have helped. Just hang in there!!! She will appreciate you later on, even though she thinks she wont. I promise!!! Take care and hang in there. Oh, one more thing... don't walk on egg shells!! It's your house! you shouldn't be uncomfortable because she is being a brat!!

Always, S.

Hi R..
try to think back to when you were 15. It was a long time for most of us, but try hard. For me, I too had many disapointments when it came to the men in my life. My parents were to blame for all of it, at least that's what I thought back then. I wanted so desperately to be who I wanted to be, have freedom to do what ever I wanted, to break free from the "bondage" that I felt my parents were trying to put me in. It was like this noise & frustration trapped inside of me & didn't know wether to scream or to cry.
I know now that some of what I was feeling was just normal tenage feelings & hormones. But a lot of what I was feeling was all the hurt in my past & not knowing how to process it all. The best thing my parents ever did for me was put me into counseling. Finding Christ was when my healing & change came. Looking back it was easier to blame my parents because I knew no matter what they would always love me. I also knew deep down that they would be there for me & get me the help I needed to survive & succeed, just as you are doing for your daughter now. Don't give up! Be proud of yourself for sticking to you decision to take her to counseling. She will call you one day as a grown up & tell you how sorry she is for treating you that way & thank you for helping her get through it all.

Hi R.,

I know this is a bit old for me to respond to as I am new to this group. also I am not sure that I should give any advise out; however I am going through pretty much the same thing. I joined this group to find out if this is something more parents go through or if only I was. I think more than I even could imagine are. sadly. I don't know if you would want to, but I would like to chat about our daughters so that maybe we could try and figure something out. Put our heads together and try and make them see that we DO love them and just want the best for them and we TOO are human and make mistakes.

Best wishes
Y.