Teen Trouble

Wow, does this sound familiar! As everyone else has said: let her dress how she wants. As long as she is staying out of trouble and doing okay with school work and grades, let it be. Be thankful it's the only thing she's doing. It took me a while to get to that point with my 15 yr. old daughter. On another note: have her see a counselor or therapist for her depression. She may fight it, but if she finds someone she likes and can trust, it will help. Good luck! If you want to talk, I'm here.
A. Z.

sweetie this might not be anyof my business but i'm younger at 22 and i have a 17 year old sister. Let her dress like she wants. Clothing is just an expression. You shouldn't judge people on appearences and if that's the way she likes her clothes let her. She'll grow out of it. I had a friend that used to do the whole black make up thing but she grew out of it. At least shes not wearing daisy dukes and half shirts...she's covering herself so she still respects herself. She's 14 and t's and armbands aren't goth they are skater, punk, rock. It's ok, give her a while. Shes trying to find herself.

I would consider yourself lucky in one way..at least she's not sneaking micro mini skirts out in her bag and changing at school. She's 14, she's at an age where she's trying to find her self, her own space. Let her know she's beautiful no matter what she's wearing, and that no matter what you love her unconditionally. I think you should support her and let her know that people shouldn't judge her based on the color of her hair, or the size of her shirt, etc.. We live in a culture where it's only acceptable to be thin and pretty, maybe she's not feeling that and so she reaches for something comfortable to her. Just support her and be there for her no matter what. Don't sweat what she's wearing this year because next year will be a whole other ball game. Keep her busy and involved in sports or whatever she may be into and just stick close. I know it's hard with little ones to take care of, but you need to make special time just for you two.

That's my advice.. hope something helps. good luck!

14 is a tough age. I would definitely sit down and talk to her about things, about why she dresses the way she does. It's a shame, but kids that age are mean, and dressing a "different" way than the majority will get you talked about. There's nothing wrong with dressing differently than everyone else. I think it's your daughter trying to figure out who she is and what she's all about, which is great, but she also has to realize with that comes people talking about you because you're not following the "norm". I would talk to her as much as you can, without coming across as nagging, and try and do things with her and just make her feel better about herself. She'll eventually grow out of all of this and figure out who she is and feel comfortable with herself. Good luck!

My oldest is only 11, so we haven't had anything like this yet. But my husband and I have discussed what would happen when this day comes!! As hard as it would be for me, I would let my kids dress, and color their hair as they wish....as long as they're not doing drugs, drinking or being promiscuous--those are the biggies to me. They'll have to decide if finding their own style and being judged on appearance is more important than 'fitting' in with the current styles, etc.

I was sitting out on my front porch with my 65 year old neighbor one time, and she just went on and on about some kids who walked by....purple hair, black clothes, etc. They were not doing anything 'bad' at the time, just walking by, and she was judging them....it was at that time i decided as long as mine are 'good kids' i don't have a problem with the way they look. They will just have to learn how to deal with the negativity from other people.

Good luck!

B.

Hi J.,
I have a now 19 year old daughter who started dressing like your daughter at about the same age. I have two daughters and I always pretty much let them dress how the liked. I was just happy they weren't showing a lot of skin and going outside in lingerie. I have let both of my daughters have body piercing (not in the face .... that's the one line I drew) and my oldest got a tattoo when she turned 18. The way you dress dose not define your character. Your daughters individually must be more important to her than being "teased" at school. Plus by the time she reaches high school the people who are taunting her will be asking her for fashion advice. Good luck with your decisions.

I was a "black sheep" as a teen and I just have to say that the more you tell her NOT to do something the more she'll do it just to spite you. Just let her dress as she wants. She's sure to grow out of it. Most of them do. I know from being the oldest of 4 girls that my parents were harder on me so I rebeled more. They let my sisters do more of what they wanted so my sisters went more mainstream. We all turned out fine. You may take her to a counsellor but she may rebel against going and not listen to a counsellor just like I did. It's worth a try. The only reason I went is so I could communicate better with my parents. The counsellor told them to ease up on me.

It sounds to me like she might need some professional counseling. My 12 yo daughter has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, as well as PTSD and ADD. When she tried dressing this way, we talked and realized that she just wanted to sink into the background. Due to such low self esteem, she WAS alienating people, because she feels she doesn't deserve to be treated well. Anytime you want to talk, email me!

I think she is probably trying to find who she is. Next year, she could be into totally different clothes. I would try to pull the reigns in a little, but still allow her to express herself.

At that age it is tough. I have a 14 year old daughter. She is trying to find herself. Give it time it may just pass. Sometimes if they see you react they do it even more hardcore.

Have you had her talk to a counselor?

J.,
My oldest daughter, who is now almost twenty went through this stage. It was a little weird at first for me to see her dress that way. People would stare at her and point, saying things to the other kids and all. I tryed talking to her and getting her to change the way she dressed to help her fit in better, but it didn't work. She wanted more stuff , to make her stand out it seemed, she told me she didn't care what the other kids said. She liked to wear what evwer she wanted, she had the black shirts, pants, and even the "arm warmers" kinda like gloves, they hook over your thumb and pulled them up to your elbows. She had the necklaces the whole nine yards! She dyed her hair many colors, from black to red, blue every color you could think of, it changed almost monthly.
I learned to go with the flow, I even went with her to the store and picked out stuff with her! It really became a fun game with us, and got us even closer to each other. She out grew all of it when she was old enough to get a job, most stores and other places don't hire kids with different color hair. So she stoned it down and went back to the "norm" as everyone seems to call it.
Like I said before, she dresses normal now, not wearing all that dark make up and works at a day care where everyone loves her. The kids , the parents all the other teachers. She is one of the best workers there, all the parents ask her to babysit on the weekends. I don't think you have anything to worry about, sounds like your daughter is a sweet girl, just going through a stage of finding out where she fits in and who she is. I'd let wear what she wants and just stay in tune with her.
Be glad that she isn't into drinking, drugs, cutting or putting herself out there for guys to take advantage of.

J.,
I just went through this with my 13 year old daughter. This is her first year in Junior High and the kids group you. For example there is goth, preps, band geeks etc. It broke my heart to have my girl grouped as goth, but she wore black or something with a little color but mostly black and heavy eye makeup. I'll be honest I didn't worry much about her appearance at first because I know how sweet and caring my daughter is. It wasn't until she had a fight with one of her friends that I realize my daughter was considered goth at school, because her friend was more than happy to tear my daughter apart with her comments. We teacher our children that outside apprearances shouldn't matter it's whats inside that counts but life isn't always that simple. I hope your daughters goth look is just a phase. Maybe if you talked to her and asked her just to try some different colors of clothes they can even be darker shades of maroon and cut back on the makeup (that's if she is into that) and see if the kids treat her any better. I know in my daughters case the fight with her best friend was the best thing to happen to her. It was a wake up call for her. She hardly wears any black, has cut back on the eye makeup and you can actually see her beautiful blue eyes! Good luck!

If she is moving over to dressing goth...I would take her out of that school and put her in a private school. She could be going down a bad path. The people she hangs around with....Are they dressing the same way? If so, you may take my advise. Remember..You are who you hang out with. That dress statement also says alot about their behavior. I have a 14 year old daughter too and she does not dress like that at all. And if she did..I would have something to say about it. If she did'nt listen then I would have to take a drastic approch and rermove her from that school and away from those people. You are the parent and you need to set a good example that says to her that you make the rules and she needs to obey them for the sake of her future. Good luck and may God be with you.

Kids need to have an opportunity to express themselves and clothing is one of those ways. Honestly, my husband was totally into the goth thing as a teen and young adult. He sported a mohawk which had most of the colors of the rainbow in it. He wore combat boots, only black clothes and lots of chains. Today, he is the principal of a K-12 school, has a PhD and wears khakis and polo shirts.

Your daugther is trying to find herself and if she is willing to accept that some people are going to judge her for it, then I would say let her do it. Now, if she exposing parts of her body that have no business being exposed, I agree with censoring her fashion sense.

Good Luck,
Barbara

OK before my son dumped water all over my keyboard i had typed a whole big long thing but I have decided to make it short and sweet this time i think she may actually be punk rock as opposed to goth the way you explained it punk is very in with teens these days and they are actually more artistic and intellectual than you would think just be looking at their clothes and that may be what she means when she says she doesn't want people judging her by the way she looks and she may also mean you clothes are just clothes but if you aren't a little more sensitive to her feeling you may lose her because she will feel you don't understand and not want to confide in you anymore no matter what she wears she is still your daughter and that is all that should matter

sorry to seem blunt but i went thru the same thing as a teen and i grew to resent my family for not respecting my choices I am now 23 and just starting to rebuild my relationships with my family and whould hate to see something like that happen to anyone else over the clothes a child chooses to wear.

My daughter went through the exact same thing when she was 13. We did group therapy and family counseling. She refused to do meds but turns out she was fine with the counseling. We forced her to pick a sport, she chose volleyball. When she started high school this year, she turned 14 and started playing volleyball--a lot less drama in high school than middle school, the goth thing is less popular in high school, too. Now she dresses very attractively-fashionable but modest enough to be acceptable to me and she is much happier. I don't know what grade your daughter is in but being 13 and the 8th grade was hard. Also, in the 8th grade not only were all the kids dressing goth, they were also cutting themselves, so you might want to watch out for that. Good luck.

I know you may not want to hear this but the (goth) look is in.
My 16 year old nephew is into the similar look,I as a parent believe that the most important thing we can do as parents is give our children the love respect and understanding that they so need. Of course you dont want your child made fun of or ridiculed. i think as long as the clothing does not in any way show private body parts or too risky, then maybe ther could be some sort of compromise ie.. maybe on certain days you can pick something for her to wear and vice versa let her dress you up in goth for a day! Try to make lite of the situation this could be a wonderfull (bonding) oppertunity with your teenage daughter! besides isnt whats on the inside what really matters?