J.N.
Dear D.:
It is so sad that trust has been broken. You sound terrified. I know that you have his best interest at heart, but wrestling over control of your teenager's life does not always work. Physically, he is now a young man, and mentally and emotionally he is struggeling to reach manhood.
Try talking to your son without judgment. For example, you may mention his grades. You have noticed that they have slipped. Are they important to him? Has he found other priorities? Find out your son's long-term goals. You can ask him which decisions are putting him closer to that goal and which ones may interfere with it. Teenagers with clear longer-term goals are much less likely to get into trouble.
Sometimes when teenagers start to work, they focus on the short term goals of a paycheck, car, and date for Saturday night rather than the long terms goals associated with education. You can help him research the facts. Would it be wiser to invest time studying to earn a scholarship or invest time in work and a car? What are the costs, financially, socially, in terms of self-esteem, etc. You may think you already know the answer (perhaps that is the work ethic that you were raised to have), but I implore you to keep an open mind. Each person may come up with a different answer. The answer is not important. Teaching him to THINK through the options is. Young people often do not even realize that they have a choice. They just act or react. Hopefully, this thinking process will carry into other areas of his life.
Praise your son for the good things that he is doing. For example, he is showing responsiblity by maintaining his truck and his employment.
I talk to my son about why I believe that it is important to make good choices. For instance, lying hurts relationships. Is lying worth risking our relationship? When it comes to sex, the bible says that two shall become one. This is the truth. Babies may be born, diseases may be exchanged, but also when two souls unite, a piece of each soul is left behind. Will each girl take care of that piece of soul? If someone has too many sexual relationships, will they have any soul left to give to the person they eventually marry? Porn is the same way - it often interferes with relationships - it changes the way that men look at women. You can ask him,"Is it worth risking your future marraige?"
Your son must internalize these thoughts and make good choices for his own benefit, not to avoid trouble from Mom. This way, he will truly become the man that you want him to be.
I always tell my soon-to-be 17 year old that he is a young man now. The decisions that he is making now will effect him for the rest of his life. I cannot control him. So far, he has honored these responsibilities.
It seems that you are trying to control your son out of fear. I would like for you to put your trust in God and the things that you have taught him. If a boy your son's age is determined to get into trouble, nothing will stop him.
My thoughts are with you,
Jen