Teaching My 6 Month Year Old to "Self Soothe" at Night.

First, congratulations on becoming a Mom! I hope you're enjoying the experience.

My son (who is now 18) used to cry himself to sleep at night and then as a toddler he would babble himself to sleep. As he got older, he needed to read before he went to bed. I kind of see this as a verbal pattern.

When we talk about sleep issues in my Gymboree classes, I always like to relay this story because I think it's helpful for people to know that we all get through it and babies do what they need to do to comfort themselves.

It's great that you are now putting him in bed awake - you should feel good about that move.

Let me know if you have any questions.

J. F.

When I started to do cry it out, the doctors told me the average child gives up after 3-4 days. Even with a consistent routine of soothing, stories, bath, etc, my little boy cried every night for a month. Some nights it was 45 mins other nights 5. As I discovered, he is extremely persistent and very sensitive to schedule changes (he likes to eat on a schedule too).

Any deviation from his schedule, going out of town or skipping 1 of 3 naps (until 9 mos, then 2 until 18 mos) for grocery shopping for instance, or staying up late one night, would result in starting over with the sleep training. But I kept with it and now at almost 2, he usually says "taku" (thank you) and "g'tie" (goodnight) as I leave the room. He rarely cries anymore, but we do still have the occasional nap where he cries for an entire hour without going to sleep. Going out of town or other disruptions are not so much of a problem--he snaps back into his schedule right away now.

So to answer your question about how long it will take: it depends on your son's temperament. If he is like mine it could take a while, but most likely it will take less time. I also recommend Weissbluth, it is one of the things I give new mothers. As you wait for your child to stop crying every night, know that you are doing the right thing. A well rested child is a joy to have around, learns faster, and even in the "difficult" stages is easier and more fun.

Hi A.!

Letting your baby cry it out is the most difficult thing....but good for you for sticking in there. Consistency is key! I had to do the same when my daughter was 5 months old (she's now 7 months). It took about 5 days of her crying for 45 minutes....then it went down gradually from there. There are still days when she cries for a bit, but on most days, she fusses for 10-15 minutes and then falls asleep. It will get better - just hang in there!

Liz

Hang in there. You are doing such a huge favor to your child by helping him learn to self-soothe. The response about making sure you're transitioning your son to sleep during his sleep window is a great suggestion. I highly recommend the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. It explains the background to sleep windows and the optimum time for the age of your baby. It was a HUGE help for me, but I didn't know about the book until my baby was about 7 months old. By practicing a consistent sleep routine and combining it with the optimum time period for baby's sleepiness, my son quickly adjusted to the routine. Our routine for example is: reading books, prayers, rocking to lullaby music for the length of one or two songs, and then saying goodnight to a few things we see along the way to his room (pictures, doors, stuffed animals in his room, and the last one is "night-night" to the tiger in his bed and then "night-night" to my son. All of this shouldn't take more than 30 minutes (anywhere between 6:30-7pm and he is in bed no later than 7:15), but he goes to sleep awake and sometimes talks to himself and then he is out for the night. It is tough to get everything done by the magical time period, but we've learned if we don't catch that time period, our son has a harder time settling and going to sleep. My son is now almost two and we've stuck to the routine since he was 7 months old. Cameron will adjust, but be patient and if you need to tweek a few things so be it. Something that really helps my son is learning that everything goes night-night and we've been saying night night to different objects since his infancy. After rocking him, I used to walk around the living room and choose a few object like pictures, candles, books, different toys, etc and then walk toward his room continuing to name a few things. This pretty much signaled to him we were done for the night and on our way to his room. Now, we end our routine with rocking and walk straight to his room and there we say goodnight to a few animals. No matter how you do it, it shouldn't take long and it has to be consistent in action and length at the right time. Hang in there and know your son will appreciate the gift you are giving him by allowing him to learn to self-soothe. All the best to you.

Is the "scream" a whiny, "I'm not happy about this, but I'm not dying" cry or is it a panicked, totally freaked out, "I'm scared and NEED you" cry? If it's the latter, I would worry about the harm you are potentially causing your child according to certain studies. If it's the former, it should pass soon and be nothing to worry about. I hope this helps and doesn't just make you obsess about what type of cry it is.

By the way, babies aren't necessarily supposed to sleep "all the way through the night" at 6 months (yes, I know I'm going to catch a lot of grief for saying that). But, biologically, it's a myth of Western society that babies are supposed to "neatly" fit into our adult schedules and sleep all night. Just my "opinion".

Every baby is different and every family must find what works for them. I hope the 20-minute crying sessions end for you soon. At least you're lucky in that they're only 20 minutes. I've heard of much worse!

Cassie

Hi A.,

I don't understand why would anyone make a big deal about this. I had a tubal reversal and now we have 2 children, now 4 and 5 yrs old. We had so much fun with them when they were babies and now. We rock them to bed, slept in their bed, slept with us in our bed, sang with them and read to them. Now that they 4 and 5 Nathan is now reading to us and so is Isabell. My husband does the bedtime routine and he enjoy every moment . Don't get me wrong We tried this method and all we got was a unhappy baby. Why let them suffer if you can hold and rock your child. I also have a 20 yrs old boy, and he turn out very good. When they get older it is more friends than parents. So enjoy them while you can. My Aunt who is more like you guys never really enjoyed her children and now she passed away.

ENJOY YOUR BABY AND DON'T WORRY........

M.

The cry it out method is becoming less and less popular. I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old, and with both I didn't let them cry it out. They are only babies who don't know why they are not being held or cuddled. The thought of my children having to cry to go to sleep does not sit right.
Listen to his cry. Is it an I'm scard and need you cry or is it a I can't get to sleep cry. If his crying is one that sounds scared or in pain etc, pick him up. The reason the baby falls asleep is he is exhausted fromcrying and gives up because no one is coming in to comfort him. Apparently your son is not giving up. Try another way.
I believe 6 months is still too young to self-soothe. I'd wait til he was 8 months and try again. Also use a pacifier or a favorite stuffed animal or something he can use as comfort since you are not there. Just laying in a crib by yourself with no cuddles is scary for a baby. My son sleeps in his own room in his own bed and my daughter sleeps in her crib in our room. (2 bedroom house)If she wakes up I let her know I'm there, I don't always pick her up, but i rub her back etc. Good luck

Try using a pacifier to help him fall asleep. After about five or ten minutes of crying, go to him in his crib, rub his forehead or pat his back to soothe him and see if that works. Let him see that you are there to make him feel better but DONT pick him up though.

As long as your consistent with the night time routine (same time, same order of events) it should take a week.

Try to keep in mind your baby is crying because there is a change in routine and babies do not like change. Once they get use to their new routine, they're fine.

I rocked my daughter to sleep every night up until she was 3 yrs old. DONT RECOMMEND THAT. Although its nice to have that snuggle time with her, when she wakes up at night where does she go, to me and wakes me up. So when I had my son, I did not rock him that much. Yes, I missed tha, but he was not a snuggler. He wanted to be free. So i had no choice. He is now almost 3 1/2 and he goes to sleep when I put him to bed. He cries sometimes, nut he was testing to see if i would come in. I did sometimes but kept it to the minimal. Let him cry it out, should stop soon..... good luck. Don't give in...you will lose the winning battle.

How long have you been training him? It should dwindle and be less time each night. Are you doing the night routine before you put him down so he know what to expect? Are you putting him down during his sleep window so that he is not over tired? If it's the right time, there should be minimal crying. Hope that helps.

I rushed my response to you and looking back at it, I see it came off harsher than I had intended. I didn't mean to imply anything or any guilt and I think it's up to the individual ... I just meant that if you are feeling the way you described, it's ok to re-think your decision and if you are unsure ... it's great to get the other opinion so that you can know if that feels better to you so you can proceed and decide what to do now. As for the studies and guesses ... what I do is look at the behavior of the kids whenever parents give their advice. That's one thing you can't do on this forum. If from your own observation, you see their children behave the way you wish yours did, well, I think those methods seem to have worked for those parents. Keep in mind, every child is different so the same methods may not work for your child BUT that doesn't mean the method is wrong. That's my point. Whichever you decide to do will be right for you and your child because you did it and are comfortable with it's results. You are the only judge. Sorry if my response offended. I leave it hear just so you can see my viewpoint for my family. My kids do not rule the roost and many parents think I'm too strict with them in other areas but they all ask how I got them to be so well-behaved ... but I will take the comments warning of this and keep an eye out for any negative reprocussions.

My original response was ...
I'm sorry but I am not a proponent of letting babies scream themselves to sleep. I know a lot of people are but sometimes I think you must go with your gut. My heart is ripped out to hear my children scream so that's my gut saying, "it's not right for us." I've even heard about studies that show it's detrimental ... not meeting the child's security needs etc. I don't know the answers. I myself have not done any studies nor have I directly read those studies ... just heard about them from another mom. I just cringe to hear about it. For me, it seems there may be other issues that crop up during day if you let them scream without meeting their calls or it may tell the child an unspoken message I don't want them to have if I don't rush in to sooth them. All the moms who have older kids who soothed their child's screams said that eventually they do learn to go to sleep on their own and they are more secure in the long run ... but again ... who knows? Keep researching and follow your gut. That's what will be best for you. Please read up about the oposite opinion though so you have both sides.

Sleep training takes 3-5 nights usually. Do you have a bed-time routine? You can still rock him until you feel him relax - read a bedtime book like "Goodnight, Moon" with the lights low after bath time, etc.
When my son was that age, I carried him around the house shutting the blinds, turning off lights and saying goodnight to the trees & birds outside, goodnight kitchen, goodnight toys, etc. etc. and then we would read the book. He still wants that bedtime book when he feels sick instead of his usual dinosaur and bug books.
Make a routine - experiment with what your son responds to and then stick to it like glue - exactly the same time, same sequence every night.
If your neighborhood or household is a little noisy - put a white noise machine in his room to mask the sounds of traffic or the dishwasher, older siblings etc.
Hang in there and don't let the anti- sleep training mommies make you feel guilty. You're teaching your son a necessary life skill.
P.S. Does he have a snuggly blankie or little stuffed animal to sleep with? My son still sleeps with his - but hides them if other kids come over. Already trying to be cool at 4!

Every kids is different but it took my son around two weeks but the crying time got shorter and shorter until it stopped. He might cry just as your put him down for a while but that will stop eventually too.

Hi A.,
Well, the hot button once again! I must say I'm with you on letting him cry himself to sleep. 20 minutes is a very reasonable amount of time. I've experienced worse with my own kids. As far as how long will it take, I do believe it varies, but in general what I've seen and experienced is withing 1-2 weeks it is pretty much over. I don't know how long you've been at it, but I encourage you to hang in there. I, too, will probably make some moms mad with what I have to say, but I can't figure out what is so wrong with CIO. People keep saying studies show this and that about causing insecurities and distrust etc. Well, my question is how on earth can they prove anything? Who knows what each child would have been like had some other method been used. There's truly no way to know. All these studies are just guesses. I really believe that if you love on your baby all day long and fulfill every need and want they have so they are secure in your love for them, crying for a little while at bedtime each night cannot erase or diminish all the love and care you give your baby at every other time of the day. On the contrary, I can see how running to your baby with every peep can turn them into demanding, co-dependent children who run the house and adults who believe the world revolves around them. Anyway, stick with it, and it will be over soon and you will have a happy, healthy, well-rested baby!

Hello A.

I think I must agree with Kathy ... My son started to sleep through the night when he was 8 months by himself, never pushed and now he is 14 months old and sometimes I had to let him cry for about 5-10min tops and I knew what type of cry was.... I knew if it was that scrreaming-type "I'm scare mommy" I never, ever let him go to sleep like that ... instead I was/am with him until he'd fall asleep which is like 5 min... If you feel you're doing the correct thing for you and your family then hang in there... the good news is he managed the skill to self-soothe by going back to sleep by himself the whole night which is not easy for a baby .. I highly recommend you "the no cry sleep solution" is amazing and helps you understand more of your baby boy...

Dear A.,
If your baby is sleeping through the night, you are doing something right! I have two kids, and it is always difficult to hear your baby cry. I think it's best to get them used to being able to go to sleep on their own at this age. Trust me, there will be stages as your son grows that he will not want to nap or go to bed, and there will be crying involved. But, it's not the end of the world. Just give plenty of loves and cuddles during the day and get him used to his nigh-nigh routine. Some may disagree with me, but I think it actually makes for a more secure child. We travelled a lot when my kids were little, and they would go to sleep anywhere. They weren't much for sleeping during the day, but they still would lay down for rest time. I got them used to it when they were just little babies.
My children are both extremely affectionate and cuddly so it didn't adversely affect them in any way.
My mom always said it's a sin not to let your babies have a good cry now and then...that they can't exercise their lungs by coo-ing 24 hours a day.
Hang in there.
You're doing a great job!

Children of all ages can be very strong willed. Sure he would rather you rock him to sleep. Be patient. As much as you love your baby and give him lots of love and attention, you don't want a life of bedtime problems. Be happy that he is going to sleep after 20 minutes. It will get better but each baby/child is different with different temperments.
F.