Hello!
My very sweet calm 5 yr old has a very rough aggressive 5 y old cousin. Problem is they play very differently and let's call the cousin C doesn't listen to words and will not stop or use manners. My cousin is a passive mom who's answer is to yell or hit him herself. It's very frustrating since my family is close. I've taught my son to use his words and that he can hold Cs hands and tell him to stop loudly, but it's just not in my son. My husband and I stand up for ourselves and we want him to stand up for himself too. How do we do that without encouraging him to be aggressive too? I'm tired of him taking toys from him and being pushy....
Role play and TEACH him how to stand up for himself.
First, talk about it. Talk about using words, holding C's hands, and telling him to stop, like it sounds like you have done. Then practice it. Have him act like C first, while you play-act that you are him and how him how to do it. Then switch roles.
well, he's only 5. teaching him to stand up for himself is a process that will go on for years, not something he'll 'get' in an afternoon and then be fine forever more. you can't expect your good-natured son to be able to deal with the pushy one all by himself with no input from you or your cousin. give him the tools to learn, role-play with him, but intervene when necessary. don't expect more from him than his age and personality can manage.
khairete
S.
At 5, they need help from others in both standing up for themselves and being taught how to interact with others.
Be present when they are together, not hovering but close enough to intercede on your son's behalf. When C takes something from him (and your son doesn't say anything) you can say "C, that's not nice. You need to give that back to Joey and ASK him if you can play with it when he's done". You may need to step in to actually facilitate that if he isn't cooperative (but most kids are when it's an adult/other parent). If he hits or is aggressive, you can say "C, that is not acceptable. We don't hit"...if it happens again, you walk him to a seat or another area and tell him that he can resume play when he can keep his hands to himself. Be CALM and just matter of a fact.
While it is his mother's job to correct his behavior, it is your job to protect your son. Additionally, sometimes it takes a village to raise our children. Since you are close, I can't see where any of this would be a problem...wouldn't you want your cousin to help with teaching your son if the roles were reversed?
Not only will you be teaching your son you will stand up for him, it models how he can stand up for himself, it teaches both boys acceptable behavior, AND models corrective approaches for your cousin too.
Is your son actually bothered by his cousins behaviour, or is it just bothering you and your husband? It could just be that your son isn't bothered enough to do anything about it. I have a son who is like that. It isn't that he lets other kids walk all over him, he just doesn't care for confrontation. If a kid took his toy he would just kind of shrug his shoulders and get another toy. He is just very peaceful and easy going. I look at it as a good quality.
Does he live with his cousin? My kids were close to their cousins but not so much that it affected their development. Just make sure your son spends lots of time with good, kind people and especially other nice kids and he will learn by example.
Put him in taekwondo. It's GREAT for teaching self control and self defense. My daughter was a quiet child, and wouldn't hardly talk to anyone. Part of that was a speech problem that she's in therapy for.
In the year that she's been enrolled in taekwondo, she's a changed child. She's VERY out spoken now, still not quite comfortable in actually using her skills in self defense, but a LOT more vocal about telling people to stop and leave her alone.
We go through American Taekwondo Association. There should be at least one school near you.
It's all good and well to teach your son to use his words - however - not everyone responds to this.
Some kids will not respect you until you knock them down and sit on them.
Sign him up for taekwondo.
It will take time but he'll learn how to stand up for himself and when it is appropriate to do so.
As for your cousin's child - in your place I'd run interference.
Right now your son is not going to be able to handle him - especially since you don't want him to knock his cousin over and sit on him.
I'd keep an eye on him and stay on top of situations where escalation might get out of hand and cut him off at the pass when it's needed.
It might be a good idea to not see your cousin as much till her son gets a bit older and maybe becomes a bit more mature.
I'm sorry to say that being nice doesn't work that great with boys. We had a "no hitting" rule at out house and I tried to teach my son that we don't fight with people. He took it to heart and was a great little boy, then the real world stepped in. The neighbors had three boys all very close in age and very physical. My son was coming home from playing, being at the bus stop, whatever, saying that they punched him or other things. He was a big kid and could certainly hold his own but he was afraid he would get in trouble with us or the school. We finally had a talk one night and said that if they did it again he could do what he had to do and would not get in trouble from us and if the school had a problem we would deal with that also. The very next day he did just that and the neighbor kids came to our house to tell me that my son had punched one of them. They thought he would get in trouble as they knew we had the no hitting rule. I told them that from now on he would be doing what he had to do and we were fine with it. That was the last time they messed with him.
These neighbor boys were not bad boys or nasty children, they were just children with three boys very close in age. Unfortunately they tend to be physical. So anyways, I would tell your son to stand up to him. Take the toy back, push him back, whatever it is that is going on. I know this might not be the appropriate thing but it is the answer that actually works in the real world. You will not be there to run interference on the playground or in the classroom or wherever.
Maybe you can teach him this when he's older. If the other kiddo is hurting him I'd tell him off in front of his mom. If she doesn't do anything to curb his actions then don't let them come over anymore. See them in places where other kids are present. That way if kiddo is starting to be awful to your kiddo you can pick up and leave rather quickly.
There will also be other kids for the kids to play with, the other kid might just decide to play with the others instead of yours.
If his mom won't make him stop then it's up to you to make him stop. If she gets upset tell her good bye.
I'll second the martial arts thing. We'll be doing this for my kid too.
