Tantrums & Screaming No!

Hey A., this all sounds normal to me (I have 4 year and 18 mo. daughters). Here are the best things I have found (from friends, pediatrician, etc.).

1. Tantrums are not acceptable. My doc said to place her in a timeout as soon as the tantrum ends so she learns that is not acceptable behavior. In a public place, you pull aside out of the way and speak a firm NO ______ (yelling, screaming, whatever is the offending behavior). He said not to take the child home if that is what they want, because it reinforces the yelling and tantrums as an effective device for getting their (wrong) needs met. That idea is nice, but you have to feel it out, I've found. By the way, we use the pack 'n play for the timeout spot (otherwise, the 18 mo. old would be everywhere). It is empty and away from the "action" and she knows it's not fun time. One minute (at least) for each year of life (so 1 min. for 20 months, but 2 mins when she turns two).

2. When you ask your child a question, "no" is a natural response of many kids this age for two reasons: One is that they are testing us as parents and looking for the limits of their independence (the limits that they desperately crave and need set for them to feel secure). The other is that NO is something they can say as an immediate response. If you give them some time and talk (I know that's hard at such a young age) they can "change" their mind but really they're just processing what's happening and "No" is the placeholder while they figure out what they really think. This does not help the repeating "no"s of a tantrum, but it does help the everyday communication (did for my first). I often asked a question that was reasonable for her to answer, got a "no", waited, and then got a "yes". Then I would repeat, "So you want/choose..." and when that was confirmed we went from there.

It's tricky dealing with this during pregnancy when all your senses are heightened as well (I remember), but you'll make it!!! I do agree that ignoring won't make this behavior go away. Keep looking for solutions that work for the parenting you and your husband choose and that work for your daughter. And remember, give something a try for at least a week or two - most of these patterns take some time to be effective. You'll see how she responds and can go from there.

Hello A.,

Sounds like you have a normal toddler on your hands. I know how that goes.. I have two, and one on the way.. so I am all about trying to find a quick resolution to the tantrums they throw! Every child is different so what works for one, doesn't necessarily do anything for the other. I am guessing you found this out with the wise advice of "just ignore it- thats what did it for my..." Yeah, I am with ya.. my girls get worse when they are ignored. Plus, I am not one to let things like ill behaviour go unnoticed..so it goes against every thing inside of me. :-) My top three "tricks" that work for BOTH girls were..

1. CONSISTANCY.. kids need to know that when you say NO you mean NO, regardless of how incredibly wild they can act up. Let them know that if you tell them that they will be "punished" in a certain way, that you follow through with it. This allows them to be able to think about their actions a little easier cause they know what mommy says she means. It is a hard thing to do, but works so much quicker and easier when you realize you are trainig them now to be responsible, and respectful later when they are not so easy to pick up and make them do what you want.

2. Find a "discipline" they don't like.. for us, when the girls throw fits, they end up out of the environment they are in.. eg: if we are shopping, I take them to the car and if I need to I go home. This works quickly, I think my oldest experienced it twice, and have had no problems since - my youngest has learned by observing what happens to big sis :-) If we are at home, I remove them from the area,take them to their room, or to a spot designated for poor behaviour and as often as I can (I too am prg. with no. 3 and it gets difficult to physically lift them) I DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO THROW A FIT ON THE FLOOR, they can scream all day long standing up.. in their room lol, but not on the floor.

3. I make sure that they are aware after all the above, that I love them, and that they get repremanded because they are doing something that can hurt them (falling down, or throwing things, or hitting whatever the case may be...) and hurting others ("mommys heart gets sad when you do things that are not nice") I tell them that I know they can do better, and I want them to enjoy the day, that it is nicer when they are nice.

Lastly, I will tell you what I tell everyone, but seem to forget alot myself. Sometimes, we as moms, but esp SAHMs tend to forget to take a breather ourselves. Then when the baby has a bad day we translate it into a HUGE SITUATION that needs immediate resolutions. When you can, step back take a breath and PICK YOUR BATTLES. Make sure your not going nuts over something because you yourself need a moment of alone time. That happens to me more often that I care to admit :0) Hope you see some calmer days ahead, and remember that all the crazy times make motherhood the wonderful experience it is - and reminds you to appreciate the good days that much more!!

K.

Ahhh newfound independence. Your daughter is behaving in an age appropriate manner albeit not in a socially appropriate one. If you have netflix (or blockbuster) or if you want to buy new, I HIGHLY recommend, the Happiest Toddler on the block:

http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-DVD/dp/B0001...

The techniques are simple: acknowledge the emotion, repeat the emotion, offer an alternative. Here is an example:

My 22 month old son began to scream when I told him it was time to go inside. I spoke "toddlerese" with much expression as suggested by Dr. Karp.
I said, " No No No you do not want to go inside".
He looked at me very surprised.
I said, "No No No you do not want to go inside."
He looked at me again with his mouth wide open.
I said again, "No No No you do not want to go inside, but we must take sister to potty."
He calmly walked inside without a protest.

It sounds easy doesnt it? It is and its about acknowledgement. We all crave acknowledgement of our feelings on various levels. WIth very young children acknowledgement is all that is needed.

Good luck.

Tantrums are hard for parents to deal with. With me being a parent I know. Some where in our little minds we think it reflects on our parenting but it dosent. My son is 18 months and throws tantrums sence he was 16 months. I nanny a 23 month old too. So I suggest the book Happiest Toddler on the Block. There is a dvd too. It really has helped. They are trying to comunicate with us and some where it all gets mixed up and so they have a melt down. It is completly normal for children to act the way your daughter was at the party. If we can make it threw toddler years we can do anything!!

I remember those days.. She's acting normal for her age. The hardest part is to keep calm yourself. Unfortunately you do need to ignore some of the no's.. She's testing the waters, so to speak. When she sees a response from mommy, well, let's bring it on more! My advice is to set rules and CONSISTANTLY INFORCE them. Once you give in it is over as she'll have the upper hand at that point. She is too young to understand a time out.. Distraction/diverting her attention someplace else is what works best at this age. I would tell my kids that if they did not listen we would leave. This included parks. When they tested mommy and I followed thru, they were great the next time! And to this day when I say it's time to go they come immediatly! STAY CONSISTANT!!Anyway, once the baby comes she will demand even more attention. Have daddy take her out, just the 2 of them to make her feel special (and give you a break!) Good luck and HANG IN THERE.. as a mom once told me: "I promise, it will get better" and it did ;)

Your DD is at a hard age. They are just really learning to express themselves and the first word they really know is 'No.' The first piece of advice I have is to NOT be embarassed when she does this. All kids do this. Feeling embarassed makes you tense which she can sense and that makes the situation worse. When my son gets like this I try several things.
1. How long has it been since they've eaten. Tantrums are always worse when they have low blood sugar. Offer a drink or snack. Don't bribe with dessert but with something healthy.
2. Have a trade item in hand. If the tantrum is over Bobby's toy, find another toy and offer it.
3. DON'T be afraid to leave! This one works wonders. My son was acting up in Target. He went into a royal meltdown in front of everyone. He wouldn't listen and the more I tried to quietly control things the worse he got. Finally I said, Ok, let's go. Picked him up kicking and screaming and walked out. When we got to the car he realized that we had left his drink and toy that we had just picked out. After sitting in the car for a few minutes, he calmed down. We went back into the store and paid for our things. (the toy was put away until another day).
4. Go shopping with a family member or friend. If my child has a meltdown, one of us takes him to the car while the other pays for our things.
The hard one is the leaving one. Especially when your at a store and really need something! However, it only takes once or twice and they see that you really mean it. Once I drove to the store - 30 min. - and when we got there he REFUSED to get out of the car because he wanted to go to the toy store and not that store. I told him that if he didn't get out of the car we were going home. He wouldn't so we did. I made sure to avoid the path past the toy store, that would have made it worse.
Good luck.
M.