My daughter is a young Kindergartner (turned 5 in August). In all aspects she is ready for school, however since she started school last fall sometimes she comes home and throws these awful tantrums. She bites, kicks, hits, pulls hair, etc..... Now mind you, these are not all the time, I would say about every 3 or 4 weeks she has one. Most of these tantrums rear their ugly head because we have told her that she has to do something that she does not want to do.
We told her to stay in bed or we will take things from her, this does not work it just makes it worse. We have tried taking away privileges, that does not seem to work. We have tried yelling, that does not work. We have tried talking softly that does not work. We have given choices that does not work. We have tried a reward system for good behavior, that tantrum still comes out.
Anyone have other suggestions that what I jotted down, please I am all ears! I just want my sweet little girl to come back.
Sounds to me like she's tired and cranky. Sometimes we girls just need to cry it out then we feel better. Don't make this a power struggle, just try to find a way to help her feel comforted and the two of may find a softer way to get through these afternoon conflicts.
Okay, some kids, while they are IN school ALL day... are behaving great and do whatever is expected & are great students. It is a lot of "work" for a child... .mentally and emotionally.
THEN, when they come home... they simply let it all hang out, because they have pent up stresses or just have to release their yah-yah's after being in school ALL day and "behaving."
Its not that she is trying to be bad/difficult at home... but its just a young child's way or "coping" with their day. At home, is where they 'can' express themselves or by the time they do come home, they just have to release it all. AND, when a child this age comes home... they are OFTEN very tired (but trying not to be) and hungry. This combo makes for a fussy child.
Whenever my daughter comes home... I LET AND ALLOW HER to "deflate. I KNOW she needs to. But I try and navigate her to do it pleasantly. If she is not able to, I make sure she is fed (because she comes home hungry after ALL day at school), and we have a "quiet time" where she CAN re-group, and get back to herself. THIS helps immensely. I don't 'nag' her about what to do/when/how, as soon as she comes home. I LET her deflate and re-group. UNWINDING is what she needs. Like any adult after coming home from an entire hard's day at work.
Girls, are also more emotional, when tired. Sometimes, you need to "allow" a tantrum to come out... otherwise a child gets all pent-up.... like a balloon that can't be filled with anymore air, before it bursts. OR you have her nap. Kids this age still benefit a lot from naps. My daughter was in Kinder at 5 years old as well...and in Kinder they would have a nap time. Or my girl napped when she got home. She still took naps until 1st grade. It helped her a lot. She'd be so tired afterschool.
Sometimes too, when my daughter is like that, I just don't say anything, but I hold her in my lap, and hug her and not "lecture" her and she calms down... and bonds with me and feels better.
It is about navigating their "moods" too... instead of "stopping" their moments of in-ability to cope with certain outbursts. So in this case, punishments do not work. And instead, teaching them 'how' to manage themselves when they don't feel good or are just plain grumpy.
A great book series is: "Your 5 Year old", "Your 6 Year Old" etc. which you can get from www.amazon.com Its a series about each age-juncture and what the child is going through. Although written years ago, it is still very pertinent.
Another great book is: "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" which you can also get at Amazon or any bookstore.
All the best,
Susan
it sounds like she was not ready for school maturity wise. I would talk to her teacher and find out how she is doing during the day and if any other kids pick on her. there may be a connection with her days at school, is she constantly being told not to do things or are the kids she plays with doing these same things. Good luck.
You say it is usually when she is told she has to do something she doesn't want to do. It is the same with my precious angel. We employ tatics from Love and Logic. Next time try being "scary calm" just shake your head and say in a very even tone. I don't deal with children who throw fits. You can finish that in (insert bedroom, outside, bathtub - where ever you like best). Then walk away. No more talking. NO MORE TALKING! When she is done with it she can then move on to the task assigned. Eventually she will catch herself before she ends up standing in the bathtub (that is my favorite time out spot - fewer distractions). Best of luck and I look forward to meeting you at the "Seperated at Birth Family Reunion". You'll spot us right off -we are the redheads. - D. M.
I would definitely talk with her about anything going on at school that she is upset about and talk with her teacher, too. If it looks as if nothing is wrong, then I would let her have her tantrum and just walk away and pretend she's not even there. If she gets attention, even negetive attention then her tantrum is working. The only way to end it is just give her no attention at all for it.
I think Kindergarten is when they find out they are "under the boot heel of the MAN!" LOL Seriously, my son used to blow like that last year when he was in K, but it passed as he got used to the school routine and responsibilities. I used to tell him it's OK to feel angry but it's NOT OK throw a fit.
Your daughter is going through a stressful change for her routine. Not to mention, our kids pick up other kids negative behavior at school.
Here's my question: Instead of taking away privileges, yelling and being 'negative' back at her... have you just tried talking to her? Constantly taking away stuff and focusing on the negative only enhances the negative. START thinking about being positive for her.
My son is five, his birthday is also in August. He and I talk all the time. When something is really bothering him, I use tools to get him to open up. (he has a puppet or we use a doll that looks like me - called 'mini mom'~ works like a charm every time!).
You have to realize that this is not easy for her~ as it apparently is not for you. Assure her! Get down on her level and be there for her... As the tantrums occur the way the do~ check in with her teacher on a weekly basis to see what is happening in the class.
But it is highly important that you and your daughter talk. I don't care that she's five... she can tell you what is going on. My son was able to communicate things to me so long ago that I just can't really recall the age as I always have open conversations with him.
EDIT: I just read Jessica's response. I am flabbergasted by this approach to a time out. Unbelievable and I feel this teaches more negative behavior, not to mention the emotional imbalances that can lead later. Sometimes, it's not cool to play a 'bully' with your child.
Have you tried time-outs? My friend uses a carseat for time outs. She secures it to a chair and then straps her daughter into it for time outs. It's safe and secure. It also carries a lot of weight since the child has to sit there for 5 solid minutes. Time outs have worked wonders for her and her daughter.
I think you need to draw the line and make a stand. Your daughter is testing the boundaries of her world. She needs to know that her world is safe, secure and that you're in charge of things. Be strong and stand firm!
Also, when she's good REINFORCE this behavior!! Reward her with physical touch. Hug her, kiss her and tell her she's being a good girl!!
