Talking About Your Kids to Other Moms

I do not talk with other moms about my dd. I come to places like mamapedia to vent or get advice anonymously.

I don't blame her for being upset, I got upset with my mother when she talked about me to others...I still remember being upset about it and I'm in my 50's - it is a big deal.

It really depends on what is being discussed and how. Parents discuss parenting issues but step parents do not. It would be especially bad if you were drawing lines between the behavior and her mom.

I absolutely agree with you. It's unfortunate she overheard but it happens. Tell her that you know she talks about you and her dad to her friends.

Of course I talk about my kids to other moms. It is normal. They are my friends. I'm not gossiping, or starting trouble. I LOVE my kids and I'm totally devoted to them. It doesn't mean I never need advice!

However, your 12 yo daughter may not get the difference. It is of course unfortunate that she overheard. I'd just totally apologize to her. Try and explain to her the difference between that and say you talking about her to HER friends or something. She may or may not get it. Really just suck it up with her.

As far as hubby goes, sorry he is wrong, just explain to him there was no bad intention and the bad luck is that your daughter heard it. It would be different if you were actually trash talking about your daughter like "oh she's so fat and so ugly and stupid" or something awful like that but I am sure that is not what you did! Explain you were asking advice from friends with kids that may be able to help and you will be more careful not to do this when your daughter can hear!

Ugh, I hate this. I really struggle with it. My kids HATE it when I talk about them with other moms but of course it happens! That's what at least half our conversations are about. All you can do is try to be mindful about it, especially when your kid is within earshot.
And just what does your husband think a bunch of moms sit around talking about anyway, stock prices and the conflict in the middle east? Sheesh. Our main focus and the biggest thing we have in common is our kids.
Your husband is an absolute JERK to be making you, the woman who is EDUCATING HIS CHILD, feel like a horrible person.
Perhaps he should send his little princess to school so she can learn that the world does not revolve around her and her every little hurt feeling.
ETA: how can people say step parents should not discuss parenting issues?! One of my good friends is a step mom to four kids and she is WAY more of a mother to them than their own mother is!!!

We feed our children, we clothe our children, we do pretty much everything for them. In return, our kids need to lighten up and know there are some things us moms will continue to do with or without their approval and the kids need to respect that.

First, call your husband on his double standard. If he is complaining to his mother about his family and yet calls you a terrible person for talking behind people's backs, then he is living a total lie.

Second, your husband was very unkind to you. When people make mistakes, we don't call brand them as terrible people. You are NOT a terrible person, C.. Don't own that!

I don't talk about my kids struggles to other groups of moms. I am a homeschooling mom, and I totally understand where you were coming from, wanting advice on how to better educate and motivate your step daughter. However, I've learned that I need to ask such advice privately to one of my fellow homeschool moms, or one of my teacher friends. That way, I can still guard my child's reputation and self esteem.

I'm sorry that your daughter eavesdropped on a conversation that you didn't intend for her to hear. Your heart was not malicious, but a 12 year old isn't mature enough to reason that. I am so sorry that you are being cut down by your husband in such a cruel way. I hope that he learns to do a better job of honoring his wife.
Hugs!

I have a close group of mom friends and we can and do share everything about our lives and our kids. Our kids range in age from 9 - 14 now. We discuss issues with school, learning disabilities/meds, discipline, hormones/first periods, and on and on. It just makes parenting so much easier to have a trusted group to share difficulties with, and to know that they are dealing with similar issues.

I don't think it's bad that your daughter overheard, and it's perfectly normal that she didn't like it. I would have a talk with her about friendship and sharing among girls/women. I would say that I hope she has/will have friends that she can get advice and support from.

When I was young, I had NO friends who would talk about anything personal (periods, dating, anything). It took me until I was over 40 to develop this kind of friendship. Everyone should have friends like this, including your daughter. Then she can talk about you with them...

ADDED: Of COURSE stepmoms talk about, worry about, get advice about, their stepkids, the same as bio-parents do. I've been a stepparent for 27 years and a bio-mom for 11...

Of course I talk to my friends about my kids. My friends have a wide variety of methods of parenting, backgrounds, and professions, and their advice has been invaluable over the years. I can't imagine who would be able to make it through raising children without asking for advice from friends! Especially when it comes to homeschooling, you run into huge challenges and you're bound to need advice from moms who have been there and done that. I do not think you were wrong; in fact, I believe the fault is your daughter's for eavesdropping on a conversation that was clearly not meant to include her.

The fact that your husband then said you were a horrible person to have spoken to other moms about your challenges with teaching your daughter math... where does he get off? Would he prefer that you just not attempt to teach her math at all? I doubt it.

My oldest is 11, and I really think this is the age when hormonal drama rules. My previously sane and normal child now cries about everything (just this morning, she bawled because she didn't have time to moisturize her face before we had to leave for little sister's orthodontist appointment... I mean, REALLY?). I don't see your daughter's outburst as being out of the ordinary for her age group. The problem I really see is your husband backing up a drama-queen tween instead of his wife. He should realize that no mom can go it alone, and we are better for the advice we receive from moms who have been there before us.

Husband was and is wrong. Does he never ask his own peers for their thoughts and experiences about things? Or would he respond, "No, not about anything related to my family"? Maybe it's a mom thing.

It's interesting (and sad) that he and your daughter (yep, your daughter though I know you're her stepmom) frame this as if you were gossiping or bad-mouthing her. You surely were describing an issue ("She just refuses to do X and it's frustrating for me") and asking for advice ("I don't know how to change it. What would you do?").That's not "dishing" and it's not gossip. There is a difference between talking "behind someone's back" and asking privately for feedback about something. It's also not something we want the kids to overhear. But it's not only fine, it's necessary for us to learn as parents!

I certainly do get that your daughter was upset and frankly -- as a mom of a girl the same age -- it's too bad she overheard because girls are very sensitive at that age about the idea that they are being talked about. My daughter's ears can hear us talking nearly in a whisper on the other side of the house: "Hey, are you guys talking about me?" Um, not always, honey!

So I can see apologizing to her, but I also think she may be old enough for something of an explanation: "As a homeschool teacher I do need the advice of other homeschool teachers. I shouldn't have put it the way I did, I agree. So -- how about if you and I talk about it: What do YOU think we should do together to work on this issue of getting math done? I would like to know what you think and what schedule you would set, and so on." Or...something along those lines, whatever works with your particular kid.

I took down my previous answer, as it isn't pertinent to *this* particular question~

ETA: I feel strongly that I need to add this-- I wasn't aware that your 'daughter' was actually your stepdaughter. C., this is something you *need* to create a distinction on, for everyone's sake. Calling her your 'daughter' is misleading. I'm not saying you can't love her like a daughter, but honestly, as a stepdaughter myself, the rules DO change. I would have been devastated to hear either of my stepmothers talking in anything less than a positive light to others. CRUSHED. And it would have been weird beyond words if they referred to me as their 'daughter'; they were gracious and always introduced me as "my husband's daughter". (it's complicated, but I have two dads-- bio and adoptive, as well as three steps, only the bio and adoptive dads are allowed to 'claim' me; the rest were not.)

If you are talking about math challenges, then yes, that's hurtful to her because it's likely something she's sensitive about! It would have been different if you were all talking to a prospective tutor and getting help, but just chatting with the other moms, you have to reign that in if she's even remotely within earshot. You might not agree, and you don't have to, but honestly, if I had a blended family and was struggling with a stepchild, we'd be dealing with those issues in either a professional setting (like tutoring) or in a therapeutic setting, and I'd be keeping any venting to my ladies nights out when the kids are not present. I can totally see why your husband and step-daughter are upset. The reality is, this is a very different situation than a mom who had a more-or-less typical relationship with their kid doing a little grumbling. You NEED to see the difference here.

We are all on mamapedia, aren't we?

The fact is that, sometimes, one of the best ways to figure you way around an issue with your kids (or your husband, or your MIL, or your friends and it goes on and on) is to ask another mom - another woman. Fresh ears and fresh eyes can make a huge difference. I think one thing that woman can be really good at is advising each other. You weren't just having a hen pecking party. You were having a strategy session. Even if no useful advice is offered, it is so wonderful to know during really wonky situations that there is someone else who is dealing now or has dealt in the past with what you are going through. That alone can make all the difference in the world! To know you aren't the only mom who has had to say, "Get off your brother's face!" is refreshing.

You are good. I would just maybe go over with her the difference between seeking counsel from someone you respect and malicious gossip and offer examples that would apply to her own life. I would do it where your husband can hear. ;)

It sounds like I'm in the minority here. I'm not saying I've never complained about my kids to other moms, but I've learned not to do it through the years (I don't count Mamapedia since it's relatively anonymous and it's a forum for help).

Maybe it's the area I live in, but I've found that most people don't really care about your issues. They just want to feel superior to you in some way. I have one, maybe two, very close mom friends with whom I confide, but that's it. Otherwise I don't like saying negative things about my kids (but I also try to resist being braggy-braggy too). I have learned the art of picking up tips from other moms without going into too much detail.

I also felt differently once I read that you are her step-mom. I think with step-kids you have to go out of your way to make them feel good about their standing with you.

I do think your husband was wrong, and if he's not very careful he will make this situation much worse than it needs to be.

I would tell step-daughter that I just needed some feedback on an issue (sometimes we moms have to talk stuff out) but that I think she is awesome and that I'm always there for her.

Good luck.

I hate to say it but it is a bit different when it's your step kid. No matter how long your around and how close you are eventually they do have different feelings. I certainly would reprimand her for eavesdropping as someone said....but don't add a punishment. If I was punished after telling someone my feelings then I wouldn't feel like I could express my feelings to them.

As for it being normal to vent a tad....yes!! Ofcourse. But don't 100 percent push her feelings aside. She has a right to feel how she does no matter your intent. I would just be careful in future discussions.

Of course I do! I'm here...I talk about my kids on a closed FB group, and I of course talk to my peers in real life. If anything is very sensitive I of course retain that in confidence but how else would we know how to be parents if we didn't talk about our kids?

Shame on your husband for his reaction. He is 100% wrong.

And for your daughter, I would reprimand her for eavesdropping on adult conversations and remind her that it's unacceptable to do so. And let her know that parents talk to each other about their kids so that they can learn how to be better parents, and that we also talk positively about our kids, sharing their successes just for the sake of sharing them and so that other parents can learn from things that worked well.

What you did (discussing struggles with peers) is totally normal and okay. Like you pointed out, I am sure she talks about you to her friends, ect. Preteens are just notoriously thin skinned and prone to drama. Ignore it and let it pass.

It is by talking with other mothers that we are able to see our issues in a different light and it helps us all to learn to be better parents in the end.

I echo Julie S. I think it is a completely different role when it's your step-child. Unless you have been in her life since day 1, but if not, then I kind of feel like lines were crossed.

However, your husband shouldn't tell you his opinion of it in front of his daughter - it starts a battle that's unnecessary.

So yes, I'll talk to my friends about their kids and my kids, but I keep my circle of friends close that I discuss issues with my stepdaughter - though it's a very different relationship there than most people have.

I have one friend, that I trust to tell ANYTHING to, I know she will not tell a soul. And I am her friend for that too. We work together, and do lunch about once a month, and spill the beans on everything. We sit there for hours talking. And that is the only person I'd tell all my info to. I get it that we all start talking in a mom's group, but some kids are just more touchy than others. I wouldn't do that anymore, because really people will start forming an opinion of your daughter because of what you say.

I'd say sorry and let it go. I'd pretty much say what you said. I'm sure your daughter has vented about you on occasion, and it's not like you don't love her and think she's amazing, and you've probably told her as much.

If I hadn't had my friends to vent to when my kids went through their teens, I would have gone nuts.

Tell her not to eavesdrop. She'll get over it.

And your husband needs to lighten up. Your daughter is probably about to become a lot more unpleasant in a year or so, and your husband might feel the need to vent once or twice himself.

It's mama networking and it produces some different ways of looking at problems and sometimes leads to solutions. Does your H talk to his bosses, coworkers, customers about situations at work and find a solution to problems? Yes, I'd bet on it. He's just afraid you are going to spill the beans about him. And you did. On here. It's safe.

I am afraid there is some kind of underlying trust issues or old trust injuries that are making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.

It's perfectly normal for moms to talk to other moms about their kids, both the struggles and the triumphs. It's how we moms get ideas for how to deal with the issues, and how to improve upon our parenting abilities.

Your step daugter was eavesdropping on a conversation that wasn't any of her business. Though it was about her, it wasn't *for* her. You weren't "talking about her behind her back," as you are an adult in charge of her care who was seeking ideas and validation from your peer group.

You're not her BFF, going to your other bestie and gossiping about her, you're her parent and you were seeking parental advice. I should hope that none of what you said was mean, hateful, or malicious, and what you did say was done with a kind heart in the best interest of your step daughter. You don't owe anyone an apology, and further, her father should not be taking her side against you, his wife.

You're in the right here, as far as I can tell, and should stick to your guns.

We understand your intentions, but...what Nervy Girl said. I just want to add that (in her mind) not only are you an "outsider" discussing her shortcomings, but you are also discussing it with the parents of the kids she hangs out with, which means that her friends could also find out. Are these ladies even your friends? She likely sees them as only the parents of her friends. Her father was being protective. "Horrible" was really stretching it, so you can still tell him to suck it.

Before I read that she is your stepdaughter, I was thinking that you should just apologize to her for not being more careful to keep it out of earshot of others and tell your husband to suck it, explaining that women process differently where men just mind their own business and don't get involved in the lives of their friends. (Yes, there are men who consider it a betrayal to discuss family with outsiders.) That step distinction gives a different dimension. You refer to her as your daughter, but does she think of you as her mother?

of course it's normal. and yes, in our homeschool co-ops we all shared struggles and triumphs and helped each other brainstorm through challenges. it was part of the strength of having the communities in the first place.
i love that you refer to your stepdaughter as 'your' 12 year old and that you've taken on the privilege and problems of homeschooling her. it's a tough age- i'd have given my SM fits. that doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. ignore the naysayers.
your husband troubles me far more than your daughter. he should be cheerleading and supporting you.
i suppose part of the problem lies in specifically what your SD heard. 'i'm having a terrible time getting her to sit down and focus on her math. she's so easily distracted and it's making me nuts, and we end up yelling at each other' is far different from 'that girl is so stubborn and stupid, i could just kick her', KWIM?
if your comments were not insulting or pejorative, you have nothing to apologize for. at most i'd say 'sweetie, i'm sorry you're upset. just like kids, moms need to get together and kvetch sometimes, and you know as well as i do that you and i don't see eye to eye on your math studies. if you think about what you heard me say, i think you'll agree that i wasn't dissing you, i was asking for help and ideas about how III can help YOU. i'd welcome your input about it as well.'
it's ludicrous to expect that we never converse about our families 'behind their backs.' most normal people can differentiate pretty well between advice and malicious gossip.
khairete
S.

Wow. I am impressed. You are her cheer coach and homeschool teacher? This is a little off topic, but if you do so much, is her 'real' mother involved? You seem to be handling so much in the young girl's life. Someone mentioned it is not your place to do/say certain things unless you are the bio or adopt her. Is adoption an option?

Im not so sure that a steparent HOMESCHOOLING a 12 year old girl is a wise move. Send her to school if she won't do the work for you. I absolutely loathed my steparent at that age and Im sure you arent loathed, but its not exactly easy to get along with pre teens anyway. When I try to help my 12 yo daughter with math (or anything) it doesnt work well. And as far as the conversation she heard, just explain that you are worried and care about her success that's why you were asking the other mothers for advice. Your husband called you a horrible person in front of her? That didn't help her have the respect she needs to have for you.

I was a stepmom to an adult daughter and her young son. I hated the role. It's a no thankful position. Good luck.

I have been thinking about this more and more as my children get older and know what is going on around them. I am trying to be very careful not to give too much info about negative things going on with the kids at all, and especially when they are in earshot. I try to remind myself that they are people and it doesn't feel good to have someone talking about your issues to others. Yes, there is a time and a place for bouncing ideas off of other parents, but limit that to very careful discussions and only when you are alone. It's about respecting the children's feelings and respecting their lives. Sure I'd love to complain about my kids to friends sometimes, but I'm trying to think of it from their perspective. I don't want them to grow up and think they are a burden either. Just my thoughts on this. On the flip side, venting to friends is sometimes absolutely necessary for our sanity!

what is going on.....?

No...I actually complain in front of them. So I don't have to talk behind their backs.

I absolutely do! All moms need a sounding board, and to be able to bounce ideas off of each other. You didn't do anything wrong.