Talking About Fat Shaming with My Son

Shift the focus to being "healthy" instead of using words like fat and thin/skinny. And each person's "healthy" can look a bit different. People come in all different shapes, sizes and colors. This might sound silly, but when my kids were very little, I used dogs as the analogy. Dogs come in all sorts of sizes and builds and colors and hair type. You wouldn't want a german shepherd to try to be like a poodle. They just each be the best they can be for themselves.

I'd go over how he would feel if anyone started picking him apart on his attributes/abilities.
Everyone is good at something - though it might take awhile to find out what our talents are - but nobody is good at everything.
I'd challenge him to find something nice to say about anyone/everyone.
And of course - if you have nothing nice to say - then saying nothing at all is a good option.

We have a rule you don't comment on people's appearances. We just have had that since they were very small.

When the kids hit puberty, they covered this a bit at school and some of the puberty books talk about weight and changes to bodies, etc. We have never focused on weight at home. I have not talked about it with my kids. I do not want them to be body conscious. We don't leave scales out and we don't talk about diets etc. We are health conscious but never talk about being fat or thin.

My husband's family is overweight (to the point of being obese) and so our kids know that they have some health concerns. They just accept this and we've never really gone into detail about it. I didn't see the need.

I think at some point, when it came up, we just explained that words like "fat" are unkind or hurtful words.

As for being in a competition as to who is skinnier - can't say that ever came up. I think that's something you want to nip in the bud. Sounds like Ann may have heard something at home maybe, or is overly concerned at a young age (and boys can now be too). If anything just say it's good to be healthy but it's more important to be strong than thin - and we don't compare ourselves to others.

What's important is that everyone is happy and healthy and leave hurtful terms out of it. Thin can be just as hurtful a term to some kids. Better not to comment on other people's appearances. There's no need :)

ETA: Amanda - love your dog analogy!

I’m more concerned with this skinny-pact between Ann and your son than I am with Betty’s size. He’s gotten the idea, and so has she, that skinny=good and fat=bad. Certainly everything about society tells them that, from casual talk to values on TV and in ads marketing products and toys to kids. Take a look at the toy circulars and commercials – everyone is skinny.

Body image issues start early, and many eating disorders stem from this focus. Maybe Ann has the more unhealthy body, you know? Without giving him something to discuss with other kids, you can point out that there’s a lot going on inside, and many body systems that need to be kept healthy – stuff he can’t see.

Maybe Betty doesn’t like to run or play tag – not because of her weight, but because she doesn’t like them. So what’s wrong with trying other games or just going for a walk around the playground or tossing a Frisbee? Maybe Betty doesn’t play because she’s judged by other kids.

I think you’re on the right track by tackling this early and on an ongoing basis. It’s not just one talk – it’s a parenting philosophy. I’d take the approach that a person’s body is their own business, and it’s not up to us to comment on it or touch it. Yes, you can say that body image is neutral, and part of that (not the opposite) is that we don’t comment on it. Period. By focusing on what we see, we’re missing the person’s essence, which is inside and in their behavior.

Noticing body appearance is normal. Commenting on it, or making a value judgment on it, is not. Extend that to other areas: people make judgments on what is “pretty” and what is not, for example. We make judgments based on skin color or hair type or style of dress (think of all the people who cross the street to avoid someone in traditional Muslim garb, for example). It’s absurd to suggest that we don’t notice how someone looks (weight, skin color, etc.) but that’s very different from making a value judgment. Your son (like most of us) is making a value judgment because he’s heard others do it.

I always recommend good books suggested by a good children’s librarian. You can start with sports figures if you want – but look at Wilma Rudolph who overcame a weak and diseased body to become one of the greatest athletes of all time. Look at a short basketball player like Muggsy Bogues or an average-sized (but short for football) player like Doug Flutie – emphasize how they worked hard to develop muscles and brain (strategy) for becoming great players who were well liked and respected. Then look at Stephen Hawking whose body betrayed him, but who has defied all predictions and been stronger than anyone could possibly imagine (not to mention more brilliant).

I think it’s also wise to introduce books on the body – circulatory system, musculature, endocrine, etc. so he gets an age-appropriate viewpoint on the complexity of what’s under the skin. That’s all the stuff he can’t see, and while it’s one of the reasons we go for check-ups and vaccinations and so forth, it also shows him how little a person’s outside appearance tells us what’s going on underneath where all the action is.

In another few weeks or so, you’ll be able to amble to the nearest high school to watch spring track and field practice for free. Your son will see all kinds of body types achieving in different areas. Now, he might see some tall and thin ones doing pole vault and hurdles, while seeing larger bodies doing shot put and discus. But not always. He’ll see distance runners of varying sizes (my son was not the tall, lanky type but he set school records), and he may see sprinters who are built much more like running backs than they are like marathoner Bill Rodgers. Ask him to pick out the best athlete on the team. Of course, he will not be able to. Then go back in late May and see who you remember, and who has done more with training and strategy and nutrition and maximizing oxygen usage for muscle health (okay, that last one’s a little beyond him at this age, but I’m making a point!). The point is, where they are now and where they will be down the road are very different things. It’s what they do with their own bodies, and what they love, and what they learn, that matter.

I think you are right to emphasize good nutrition and a mixture of foods, and to work steadily to get him off the “skinny is good” kick. This is, like “the sex talk,” not a single conversation but something you work at consistently as a family value. His focus should be on his own body, and nurturing it in every way, and not on other people’s bodies.

We just told our boys that it's not nice to call people fat, and we should try to find ways to describe people other than fat/skinny and skin color. Hair color and length are ok. Tall and short are ok.

Really, just teach him to eat well and that it's important to stay active. Those are healthy habits. It's often true that people who are healthy are skinnier than those who are not, but it's not 100% true. We all know people with crazy metabolisms, and we also, likely, know people who try very hard to stay healthy and really struggle. Try not to link those two concepts too much or compare him to others. It's important to eat right and stay active, because that is healthier for our bodies and our minds.

I would focus the conversation on what is on the inside that matters.

If my boys came home and told me they are in a competition to see who can be the skinniest? I would tell them that "skinny" isn't ALWAYS HEALTHY. There is a HUGE difference between HEALTHY and THIN.

He needs to be told that people's bodies change over the years. If you have baby pictures of him when he was "chunky" show them to him so you can say, Look Johnny. You were chunky here. and look how you've changed....see? She can change too! She can with your help not your mean words!

I would also tell my sons not to judge people by the cover. He needs to look at everyone around the school and see that EVERYONE is different. Taller, shorter, wider, thinner, etc.

Why not suggest that he work with Betty during recess to play? Encourage her to run with him and Anne. Encourage her to do things with them.

Ask him how he would feel if people didn't want him to play with them because he's too skinny and might not have enough energy to participate.

2nd graders aren't PC, and it's fine for them to comment on what they see. but one can certainly work on curbing the pejorative aspect of it.

ann may indeed be skinny and betty fat, and if it's simply remarked in passing, not 'ann is better because she's skinny' or 'betty can't run because she's fat' i wouldn't over-emphasize it and make it loom.

what DOES loom for me is the skinny competition which i find far more alarming than the offhand comments. how are you handling that?

i would 'counsel' this by not lecturing. if he makes a comment about betty not running because she's fat, i'd respond with something like 'maybe betty just isn't a runner. what is she good at? oh, making paper airplanes? how about if you run with ann for a while then hang out with betty and make a fleet of fighter jets? it's great to have friends with varied interests.'

if you redirect the borderline scornful remarks into finding positive attributes i'll bet it sticks better than just explaining to him why he shouldn't use labels. especially if he's still THINKING in labels.
khairete
S.

My biggest concern would be his competition to see who can be the thinnest, boys are subject to eating disorders same as girls. As for not fat shaming, just teach him it is never appropriate to comment on any body else's body.

It sounds like your son is intelligent. Noticing a person's size is normal, as others have said, but commenting, labeling, and competing to be the skinniest are unacceptable.

It's hard for a young kid to comprehend "energy" in terms of food and digestion. I'd put it another way. Maybe you can get a children's book about digestion, and what food actually contributes to our health, cell development, brain growth, skin, various organs, etc. Maybe you can explain what being too skinny does to our bodies, and our growth. Talk about protein, good fats, healthy foods, not relying on cookies and soda and candy, not eating something that someone randomly hands out.

And help him craft an answer to use when Ann challenges him. Perhaps she comments on the food he eats. Maybe she keeps track of what they're both eating, or how they look. Or maybe he's the one who instigates the contest. But regardless, it's important that he has something kind and factual to say to Ann when the topics of "skinniest" and "skinnier" come up. Something along the lines of "it's not important to be the skinniest. I'm eating healthy food to have a healthy brain". Or "I'm not going to have this contest. Food is fuel and everybody is different". Role play a response with him. Ask him to think about other "contests" or "competitions" that kids might have and how they can be dangerous (racing bikes without wearing helmets, older kids who drive too fast, or any other instances that he may have heard about). Ask him to think about competitions that might be helpful (a team where the members are all doing their best to encourage each other and play fair, or studying hard to win the spelling bee while still respecting the others, etc). After all, these competitions often start out fairly innocent, and then end up with teens eating detergent or doing dangerous stunts. You have the opportunity now to help your son develop critical thinking and learn to make good choices. A "skinniest" competition in 2nd grade is a potentially dangerous path to take.