Tact and 6Th Grade

I think you're over-thinking this. My friends and I exchanged gifts at school, and sometimes I gave gifts to someone who didn't give me one, and soetimes I received a gift from someone I didn't give to. It really wasn't a big deal.

My daughter is in 5th grade and we see the same dynamics sometimes. I tell my daughter if people aren't being civil, to stay away from them for that day. It's just not worth it. I think it's time for you to let her deal with it and same with the other mom.

As far as groups go, my daughter is in a large show troupe for dance. There are something like 60 of them this year, in different groups. We are all close (for the most part), but then her specific group she is closer with...there are 11 of them. Within those 11, she is best friends witf 3 of them - they call themselves the 4 stooges. I think it's normal to do this at this age especially.

I think it is time you step out of this.

There have been many times my daughters and their friends have given gifts to their BFFs and not every member of the group. It happens and it is no big deal. Sorry you are reading too much into it and quite honestly you can't control everyone and how they do things. I have had to give gifts to my friends in school over the years due to holiday schedules and I never gave gifts to everyone in the group and I didn't expect (or receive) gifts from everyone in our group.

**On a side note your daughter is now in MS so I would stop using the term Playdate - believe me it is not cool after 2nd grade ;)

Overreaction.

I'm a bit confused by the scenario you paint, but it sounds as if you're saying that three girls were going to go to the library -- just them -- to exchange gifts among just the three of them. Correct? Well, they were doing it fine, in my eyes. They knew it would be rude to exchange gifts with other kids present so they set up a way to exchange gifts and not do it in front of others. What's the issue there? They don't have to announce to everyone "We're going off to exchange gifts privately now!"

My daughter is a seventh grade middle schooler and she and her friends are all very sensitive to the idea of "I have something for Sally and not for Mary, so I'm going to catch Sally between classes X and Y because Mary's not in those classes with us" and so on. Kids this age mostly get it.

When you say one girl "orchestrated the event" I think you're giving all this much more weight and importance than it deserves. Three girls wanted to exchange gifts. They decided NOT to do it in front of others. That makes sense.

If you don't want your daughter bringing gifts to school, that's fine too -- Have her tell her friends, "It's family policy that I can't bring gifts to school but I'll drop them at your house over the break." Not a playdate, just dropping off. It's your policy, end of story. But intervening with the other mom was going a bit far, I think.

It sounds as if maybe you're seeing the whole group of 6 or 8 girls as one collection of friends that should stay intact, but believe me there are already sub-groups of better friends within that set. And you cannot control other kids' bringing gifts to school for your daughter and her receiving them there--are you going to tell your daughter she can't receive gifts at school either? Where do you draw that line?. You can control her taking gifts to school, sure, but in this case I think it sounds like the kids themselves had considered the fact they should not exchange in front of others.

Your daughter is in middle school now. It is no longer "playdates"... that is preschool through younger elementary ages.

Dynamics change, friends sometimes change daily.

This is something that your daughter should learn to deal with on her own. She needs to navigate her friendships..... not you. Look at the undue pressure you have placed on your daughter by not allowing her to take a gift to school?

I know it is hard, my daughter turns 19 next week, and it is hard as a mom to learn to keep your mouth shut and stay out of your daughter's drama, especially as far as involving other moms which will create even more drama.

Giving gifts at school is a normal part of friendships. I see this in elementary school with friends exchanging gifts with each other. There is no reason the friends should go hide or make special arrangements to exchange gifts so other feelings won't be hurt. It is a part of life that the children have to learn to deal with.

Do the best you can to listen and communicate with your daughter. Do no bad mouth any friend she may be upset with at the time because that friend may very well be the best friend tomorrow.

Good luck.

why can't there be sub-groups of friends?
it's not like the first girl asked ALL the girls to come, but just wanted to exchange with her besties.
i'm going out to lunch on sunday with 2 of my friends to have tea and exchange gifts. these are the ONLY friends with whom i exchange gifts. we don't feel the need to invite other friends, even though in some cases the friendships are closer. this is *our* tiny group within several expanding and contracting other circles. and we don't feel as if we have to hide it.
i'm with the other mom in this case.
khairete
S.

She's in sixth grade, you are WAY too involved. It's time for you to let her navigate her social life on her own.

My sixth grader brought little gifts for four friends only. She was discreet about handing them out, sounds like your daughter was too. It's more important that she not participate in middle school drama and make her own friend choices then try to include "everyone" in her close circle of friends.

I honestly think you're over thinking this. These little situations are how children learn to interact with each other on a more adult level. Not everyone gets a gift but we treat everyone with respect and kindness.

I agree with you, excluding people is not nice manners. You daughter needs to learn to evaluate and look at the big picture. She needs to put herself in other peoples shoes.. And then needs to make decisions that she can stand behind.

She will not always make the right or best choice. So she will then need to learn to admit, it did not end well and decide how to fix it.

You are a guide at this point.
You can express your feelings, give her things to consider, but at this age, she may need to experience some mistakes.

She then will need to figure out how to accept the consequences,making amends, apologize, or be known as a person that once she makes up her mind, she us not going to back down.

You know your child is a good person, but she is not perfect, never will be. But if you do not allow her to make poor decisions, she will not nderstand why they were not the right choice.

This is one of the hardest things as a parent, we must allow. Our children need to learn the good and the not so good, to be able to have empathy and be a well rounded person. Take step back and now allow her to decide what is the best behavior on her own.

I do not agree with the other mom. It explains a lot about her child...I hope her child learns a lesson in empathy also.

I tend to agree with you, though I don't think the other mom was wrong either (perhaps she could have been more graceful in her explanation of her perspective - then again did she owe an explanation?).

You were trying to "see around corners" for your daughter and avoid potential problems and hurt feelings. There is nothing wrong with that. At least she can tell the non-included friend that this wasn't her idea (if it comes up).

I feel so sorry for "girl" moms sometimes. It's tough enough with boys, but girls and social situations seem to be a minefield.

Blessed are the peacemakers!

Your a blue person aren't you?
http://www.theslideprojector.com/pdffiles/learnertypes.pdf

I say this because as mothers we want to protect our children from the pitfalls of childhood and yet they have to slowly spread their wings. I have a really hard time with this myself. You did the right thing in bringing it to her attention but I would have let her take the gifts and make the choice for herself. This way if anything negative ensues afterward you will be able to help guide her with how HER choice affected others
Good luck, I promise it gets better

I'm on your side on this one. Her dd may not be close friends with other girls in school but yours is. Christmas may be about giving but not at the price of excluding.

You have said your piece to your daughter and it may be difficult, but you are also right in letting her handle this on her own.

My dd exchanged gifts with some kids and not others. Her closest friends were included (there were even a set of twins in there but she only exchanged gifts with one twin!)

I let her work it out on her own. I can't keep track of all of this and she used her own money and set it up without my assistance.

For better or worse, I let her work it out. I rarely involve other parents in anything...that's when stuff gets REALLY sticky.

My best advice is to relax. A month from now, nobody will remember who gave who what, etc. There are probably other dynamics you aren't aware of and I find whenever I get into her social life, I make things worse.

6th grade is about the time most kids start forming closer friendships with a smaller group of people. The dynamic of the larger group is going to change. Guiding your daughter with advice is wonderful, but don't try to control it the direction or outcome.

Going off privately to the library to exchange gifts with your closest friends is actually a pretty tactful and mature way to conduct it. It is private enough that there should be no hurt feelings or drama.

Everything Leigh R said.

They took steps to keep it private and keep hurt feelings to a minimum (hopefully none). Talking to your daughter to ensure that SHE understands what might happen if they are unsuccessful in their attempt to keep things private is as far as you needed to go.

... my daughter is 11 and in 6th grade.
She has varied friends, and one that has been a friend since 2nd grade.
She has already, exchanged gifts w/her varied friends, at, school.
And with the one she's been friends with since 2nd grade.
It was no big deal.
And there was no drama.
And the thing is, NOT all the friends, have to overlap.
Even adults, have different circles of friends. That do not overlap.
So you see, my daughter, per the friend she's been friends with the longest... she just went up to her, in school, when they had a moment, and they gave each other their gifts for each other.
It was nothing orchestrated. Nor pre-planned.
And it did not have to be a play-date, just to exchange gifts.

I think you are way too over involved. This is a simple thing, a mole hill, if you will, and you are turning it into a mountain. If just the three girls go to the library to exchange gifts, I don't see the problem.

Would it be less of a problem to have only these two girls over for a play date and not invite the rest? I don't see a difference.

I would be interested in your take on "middle school politics."

FYI - yesterday my 11 year old GD's class exchanged Secret Santa gifts. No one brought a gift for her. She watched as all the kids opened gifts and was not upset about it at all. She told me in a very matter-of-fact way and offered that perhaps the child who got her name didn't have any money so they couldn't get a gift. She's okay with that because she understands about being poor. Her mother is very poor and my GD has learned great empathy for folks who are struggling financiall

I'm with you, but it sounds like we're in the minority. Emotions are so on edge during middle school. Why create opportunities for hurt feelings?

I'm late responding. Is this what happened? U .wanted the original lib exchange to take place at ur house and this mom went off weird.