T8 Year Old Son Doesn't Want a Birthday Party

He doesn't want a party. Everyone else seems to have an agenda to make him want something, instead of just respecting him enough to listen to his words. Don't throw him a party, and tell his friends that he doesn't want a party.

I'd honor his wishes and plan no party but celebrate a family night out somewhere. He told you he doesn't want a party, why force one upon him? If he misses it this year, then next year he'll want one.

If he doesn't want a party, he doesn't want one; the reason doesn't really matter. He is telling you how he wants to celebrate his birthday: In peace and quiet. Why does he have to have a party to get cake and ice cream? My children do not have parties every year or friends over, but we always have cake and ice cream. He may just want to spend time with his family and NOT his friends.

I've never heard of friends acting the way his are. It's not their choice or decision. I suspect this may be why he doesn't want one, it won't be about him but about them. It is supposed to be his day.

I would respect his wishes and not throw him a party.

Gosh, if that were me, and I didn't want a birthday "party" and my friends were all hassling me about it and "threatening" me with not inviting me to their parties... just because I don't want a party......I would be so irked.
I mean, why can't a person, just do what they want? With no hassles?

I wouldn't want a party FORCED upon me.
And then, at the party I have to make all nice and pleasant even if I never wanted the party.
A forced party... is NOT for the birthday person. It is for the others. It is selfish to force a party upon someone.

In this case, everyone else... is dictating AT him, as to what he has to do. Even if he doesn't want to.
That is really not nice.

Imagine if that were you... and it was your In-Laws or friends that were doing that to you????
Wouldn't you be... irked? And irritated?
I would.

I problem, is NOT your son.
The problem... is ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE.
Who, are taking it like it is "their" decision.

There were times my daughter didn't want a "party" for her birthday.
FINE.
She told her friends. FINE.
They didn't make a hassle out of it and a drama for her.
Fine.
It is HER right, to choose... if she wants a party or not.
My daughter is 10. And she has lots of friends. And our home is always full of other kids.
So what.
She didn't want a birthday party before.
What is the big deal?
There is none.
It is the others... that are making it a problem, in your son's case.

And the other thing is: WHY ON earth, does someone HAVE TO do something... just because everyone else wants him to?
I mean, he is being himself.
What is going on is, peer pressure and family pressure onto him... and everyone telling him he is "wrong" for not wanting a party... and making him the bad guy.
It is HIS birthday.
HE gets to choose.
And everyone else should be respecting that.
Not worrying about what everyone else will think.

Which is more important?
Keeping up with the Jones' or doing what is right, for your son?
And what your son, wants?

Your son is not being a Drama Queen.
It is the family and all his friends, that are being Drama Queens about it.
Why should your son have to deal with a party.... that he did not want?

Your son's friends... are not nice friends. They are not nice.
Hopefully, your son learns from this... and learns that friends are not this way. And that, friends do NOT PRESSURE, you about things you do not want to do. Friends are respectful and caring. NOT forceful.
I hope your son learns, that many people are just not caring.
They only care about themselves.
And hopefully, you son learns... that "peer pressure" like this... is very toxic. And harmful. And dysfunctional.

Do you want your son... to learn to give in... to peer pressure????
Or to stand up for himself and be himself and to know what is right for him?
If you force this on him, you are teaching him that peer pressure is more important... than his own thoughts and preferences and beliefs.

If you and his friends force this party on him... he is also learning... that there is no such thing as boundaries. And that his boundaries mean nothing. And that peer pressure is more important.
Is that what you want?
Or do you want a child that believes in himself, DESPITE all the peer-pressure he is getting????

His friends seem really superficial.
And maybe he is tired of always having the house full of kids. Maybe they are just kids in the house, but not real friends.
If they were real friends, they would honor his choice.
If they don't invite him to their parties, so what.
If someone did that to me, just because I didn't have a party to their liking, I would not have them... as a friend anymore.
I would not want to be around them anymore. At all.
Bullying takes many forms.

Please show your son some respect. I know it seems like "all" kids love birthday parties but it's just not true. My older daughter loves going to birthday parties but she hates having them. After forcing her through a few in her younger years I finally realized I was actually making her miserable on her birthday!
She just hates being the center of attention, that's all, and maybe your son feels the same way, even if he isn't able to verbalize it.
She prefers to have a few friends over, for a movie and a sleepover, no decorations, no fuss.
PLEASE let your son decide how he would like to celebrate, and if he doesn't want to celebrate at all, well, I know it's disappointing for you but his day should be about him, right?

Don't throw him one.
It's not up to his friends.
He's the birthday boy, it's his decision.
Maybe the poor guy doesn't like to be the center of attention.
Just get him gift from you & on his special day make him his favorite
foods and a cake. Take pictures & call it a wonderful celebration just
for him. His friends don't get to decide.
Maybe even ask him if he would like to go someplace special that day
just w/you & dad for a quiet celebration. No friends.
Not all of us are hardwired the same way.
Don't "make him deal with it". It's his day, not his dad's.

Have you asked him "So, what makes you think you don't want a birthday party?" or "What about a birthday party seems like a not-so-fun idea?" (I rarely ask 'why' questions of kids, so I would phrase it like this.)

Here's the thing, from my perspective, just reading your post: it sounds like you feel you owe his friends the party because they love being around him. While it's nice to consider them, he might want you to consider what HE wants because *he* is your kiddo, not them. If you do have the party, he might think you care more about his friends than you do about him. Something to consider...

Kind of weird, in my book, that so much is being made out of it with friends, even to the point of retribution ("If he doesn't have a party then he can't come to mine..." I mean, what the heck? Who does that? Oh, yeah, a bunch of kids.... ) Is that what you want to teach him? That he should go against what HE wants and comply with the group for his birthday because otherwise they won't like him/won't invite him? That he should expect to bow to pettiness and truly, if this isn't a form of peer pressure you are asking him to concede to, I don't know what is....

I'm kind of wondering if it seems 'not special' to him to have the party with friends because his friends are always over? Maybe he just wants some one-on-one with you and dad and not having to share your attention? I don't say this to be mean, but because I see my son's jealousy flare up from time to time when we have his regular playmates over and I express interest in what they are saying/their desires of what to eat or play. I really have to be very present and aware in this regard, that it is harder for him to have to share my attention or defer to a friend (he's a bit less mature at 6, though)...

If it were me, I'd actually honor my child's request and stop talking about it. I would be clear that we would do something small (cake, presents) as a family and that would be it; and that once we reached a certain point, we were beyond the window of opportunity to invite people with enough notice, etc. Make the choice based on your relationship with him, not on those other myriad friendships, etc.

It IS his birthday, right?:) Let him choose. Until you know his deep-down reasons for not wanting a party, I don't think it's fair to just write him off as 'being a bit of a drama queen'. Usually the drama queen wants to invite ONLY certain people, etc.-- they want attention, not the other way around.

I actually had a former preschooler, who, when he turned four, insisted to his mother that he would not go to his own birthday party if they were going to sing "Happy Birthday" to him. Thankfully, the parents were gracious enough to honor his request... this kid HATED being the center of attention in that capacity. He was fine with it at circle times, game times, etc. but just not at his birthday. :)

If he doesn't want a party, don't plan a party. If his friends want to throw him a party, just tell them that's a very kind thought, but he really doesn't want a party.
As for the ones who told him that if he doesn't have a party, they won't invite him to theirs, I'm sorry, but f*** them and the high horse they rode in on.
Don't force the child to have a party he doesn't want.

M., your Son doesn't want a party....point blank period. And how DARE his friends act that way. They aren't true friends if they can't respect his feelings about this. He won't understand that at 8 years of age, but you can. I would relay what these kids are saying to their parents.

If you plan the party, and your Son walks around pouting all day, that will be terrible. I have an 8 year old Daughter, and this is around the age when they stop wanting the traditional party.

I would ask him what he would like to do, rather than forcing a party that he may not want.

Good Luck!

His friends are holding him hostage over a birthday party? They're what 8-9 year olds, is that a normal thought process for kids?

My kids have years where they don't want one, and years where they do. It's completely up to them. It is their day after all.

That doesn't mean we don't acknowledge it, we just don't make a big deal of it.

This could be more about "I don't want everyone staring at me, singing at me, etc." than about "I don't like parties." He liked another kid's party, yes -- but there, he was not the one with a spotlight on him. There truly are people (yes, even younger kids) who do not like to be the center of attention in that way, and there is nothing wrong with that; he might love parties but hate being THE party focus. Go with what he says, if he's been consistent about it, and be sure he understands there really won't be a party if he says he does not want it. Have over the kids you would usually have over, at a time you would usually have them there, and have a cake or cupcakes ready. Tell him he can tell his friends it's a party, or not, whatever he prefers. Do remind him (gently, don't make it a teasing thing) that kids aren't going to bring presents if it's not an announced party, and ask if he's cool with that. If he says yes, go with it. Next year he might decide he does indeed want a party, gifts, etc. - he might outgrow the stage of "I don't want to be the center of attention." But this year I'd take him at his word. If he decides after the fact that he would have liked that big old ice rink party or bowling party, well, you can tell him, "Hey, maybe next year." Learning opportunity. Oh -- and kids do not have to have a party every single year anyway, so he can learn that lesson from this too.

As for other kids saying "You can't come to MY party if you don't have one" - I would tell him to ignore that. But it's pretty snotty behavior, to me. If they were kids I knew well and who were often in my house with me in charge, frankly, I'd correct that kind of talk fast.

Look forward a few years. If you want your son to feel heard and listened to then, make sure you show you're listening now.

He doesn't think he wants a party. Don't throw a party. Even if he's wrong, he needs you to respect his wishes. No party. No big deal.

Your son can have whatever he wants, or doesn't want. Not everyone has a party every year. My cousin said that they were simply doing a family outing instead of a party. No big deal. I sent a present and a card and wished her kiddo well.

I think some of his friends need to learn that not everyone is the same and that if they are going to be tit for tat about it, they may find that THEY are unwelcome at events.

Tell the kids that you understand that they are trying to be kind, but sometimes people do not want a big celebration. They can individually wish him a happy when they see him, but it would be a gift to him to give him the un-party he wants.

Introverted me would approve. (Is your DH a social butterfly? My DH is. I am not.)

Nervy Girl mentioned some of the things that popped into my head after reading your post.

He has his friends over ALL. THE. TIME. from the sounds of it. Maybe what would be special to him is to NOT have his friends over and get to have the day about him and not about his friends.

And then there is always the possibility that he really dislikes being the center of attention. I have never liked it, either. Even my own wedding shower made me uncomfortable. I just don't want everyone looking at me. I am very definitely a small groups kind of person (or one-on-one).

Regardless of what it is, the fact remains that it is his birthday. If you want him to enjoy his birthday, why would you intentionally do something he specifically says he doesn't want to do? If you just want to celebrate his birth, then go out for dinner wherever he wants to go with just your immediate nuclear family. Or ask him what he wants for dinner and you cook it for him. Have cake after. Or let him order dessert from the menu (but do NOT tell the wait staff it is his birthday if you go to a restaurant, they will all gang up and make him the embarrassing center of attention--which you want to avoid at all costs. I swear those people make it a point to try to make the birthday person as uncomfortable as possible).

He does not want a party. Do not throw one and so not let his friends do it!!!

M.:

My girlfriend HATES to be the center of attention. PERIOD. It might not be about "getting gifts" - it could be ALL about being the center of attention - people making a fuss over him, staring at him, touching him, hugging him, etc.

As to his friends? I would tell them that while I truly appreciate what THEY want to do for him, they need to respect his wishes and NOT throw one. It has NOTHING to do THEM.

Your son may have a ton of friends - but they need to respect him and his wishes that he does NOT want one. He can go to others parties and have fun - because it's NOT ABOUT HIM.

Please do NOT force your son to have a party for himself. PLEASE talk with his friends and let them know it's NOT THEM and they need to respect his wishes!!

i'm not sure i really get your husband's attitude. it's not like your son is demanding something unreasonable.
if your husband didn't want a party would you honor his request? if it were you, would you expect your family to comply?
i don't think the reasons are important. he's 8, he's starting to develop some independent thought and actions. i would respect his wishes, and tell his friends to do so as well. the 'friends' who are threatening him with touchback don't really deserve to be considered in the equation, do they?
if it turns out that he's wrong, and he's sorry about not having a party, it will be a really important aha moment for him.
i would respect your son's choice and allow him to turn 8 in the fashion he prefers.
khairete
S.

My son is 9, and he is simply not a party person. His friends understand that. We don't have birthday parties for him. He has a friend or two spend the night for his birthday, and sometimes we go somewhere fun, but that's it. He has lots of friends, but they don't all celebrate his birthday. Because of that, he isn't invited to all of their parties. He is still invited to some (when they invite the whole class, or all of the boys), and a couple of them are like my son and just invite a couple over for sleepovers. It all works out fine. His feelings aren't hurt when he isn't invited because he realizes he doesn't invite everyone all the time either. I really think you should listen to your son this time, and I hope he has a happy birthday however you all choose to celebrate. :)

It is HIS birthday. Ask him what he wants to do--and do that!

I would honor your son's wishes and not throw a party. Many people enjoy going to parties, but some don't enjoy being the center of attention.

If I were your son and had expressed that I didn't want a party but you threw one anyway because my friends wanted it, I'd leave you to party with my friends while I spent the afternoon in my room.

Your son needs to know that you prioritize his wishes over that of his friends. If the friends don't want to invite him to their parties, that's their perogative.

It is his birthday. If he doesn't want a party then don't make him have a party. There were many years my oldest didnt want a party either. At her request, we have taken her to NYC to see a broadway show for many of her birthdays. Even this year she didn't want a "party" but she was having friends over like she typically does on the weekend. I was so surprised when they all brought gifts and she had one group of friends over Friday night and another group over Saturday night.😊

My daughter does have a Christmas party every year and she has had end of the school year hot tub parties. I think she just doesn't like the attention she gets for being the Birthday girl.

FYI... My daughter is involved in theatre and has had leading roles in many productions including at her high school even though she is only a freshman this year. (I am shamelessly proud😀) It is not like she doesn't like attention but I think it is just different when you are the birthday person. Once again, follow your son's lead.

If he doesn't want a party, then don't have one. A few days before, ask him if he wants to have 2 or 3 friends over for pizza and see what he says. Don't call it a "birthday party", but see if he wants to have a sleepover with a few buddies.

Why would your husband force your son to have a party? That's really odd to me. If he doesn't want one this year, then don't have one. His friends are pretty crappy if one year of "no party" means no more invites. That's really ridiculous and not likely to happen.

Make one more offer closer to the date. If he says "no", then let it go. Take him out to dinner or whatever he wants to do on his birthday and leave it at that.

If your son says he doesn't want a party, then he doesn't need one. Parties aren't the only way to celebrate a birthday.. :)

If the other children are asking you whether they can plan a surprise party or something, thank them for offering, and gently tell them that this yr, your son has different plans, and so you are not going for the party idea. Its OK, I think...

Have a bunch of kids over and don't call it a birthday party, call it a swim party, outdoor cooking party, game night, movie night with friends, etc....if he doesn't want to be the center of attention and stuff then don't make him feel that way.

I'd plan a party but just not call it a birthday party.

Do it. Have the party if only for the friends.
Tell him that you are doing it for his friends, not for him.
LBC

Ask him if he wouldn't mind if your immediate family went out and celebrated with dinner/ice cream or movie instead because YOU want to celebrate his birth. That way if friends ask, say you are having a family party only. And you get to celebrate his birth. And if he decides last minute he wished he was having a party, he still gets an evening dedicated to him.

But other than that, I agree with others. He's old enough to know if he wants one or not. Did you ask him WHY? If there is no underlying issue (doesn't wnat to invite this or that person, etc), then I'd say let sleeping dogs lie!

Did you ask him WHY doesn't want a party?

Perhaps he is looking for a day out somewhere instead. Like a zoo or amusement park? I'd sit him down and ask him what the issue is. Then explain to him that his friends really want to celebrate with him and that you're sure he can come up with something to do.

It's supposed to be HIS special day, why should he have a party if he doesn't want one? Plenty of kids don't have parties, believe it or not, even in this era of gimme, gimme, gimme.
And what kind of "friends" threaten him with "if you don't have a party and invite me then I won't invite you to mine" ? They sound greedy and selfish and not very nice and I say good riddance, I wouldn't want my kids hanging around with kids like that anyway.
I'm sorry you see him as a "drama queen" just because he doesn't want what you and your husband and his so called friends want, the poor kid is probably just trying to express himself, and I bet he's getting frustrated because nobody, not even his own parents, is listening to him.

Don't throw a party but do have his friends over (since they spend time there anyway). Let them plan to have a cake on hand, let them sing Happy Birthday if they want.

So invite his friends over, have some cake and ice cream. Just don't stipulate gifts, or decorate in birthday party decor, or write Happy Birthday on the cake. Make it as un-party as possible. No games. Just let them hang out, have the goodies and have it at that. If he complains you didn't give him a party, remind him he consistently said he didn't want one, so you gave him an un-party.

How was he about his previous bday parties? excited?
I would sit him down, and ask him 1) why he doesnt want a party(there may be an underlying situation that you are missing?) 2) what would he rather do on his birthday (other than Nothing)? and based on that answer do he wants. If its still "nothing" then I would keep a close eye on him to see what the root of the matter is. But I would still make him his favorite meal/dessert and spend time with him(just mom and dad..no siblings or friends) on his bday. and buy him a gift.
Good luck mom!!! I feel sad thinking of whats in his mind :(

Ask him if he just wants friends to come over and hang out, and have cake and ice cream. Maybe he doesn't like to be the center of attention. If that's the case, then just be laid back about it. Send out invites that don't say BIRTHDAY PARTY (maybe that just say "you're invited").

I'd be curious as to why he feels how he feels.

I used to want parties but not until I was much older because I was shy! Parties were just no fun for me.

Reading the post, I thought it was an 18 year old (the t8 threw me). If it were an 18 year old--I would get your dismay at not having the party and he is off to collge. But, age 8? He has a right and you have 10 years of more parties.