My 11 year old started middle school this year. She is a young 6th grader. She is smart (principle's honor roll), crafty, funny, talented, and pretty sensible. She can be a bit goofy and a bit clingy and seems to want to "fit in" more than we want her to be. She acts older than she is, and seems to not exactly be herself when around the girls that we have seen her with. My question I have tonight is this. Throughout her entire school career, so far, she has found it a bit hard to find that true "BFF". I actually hate that term, but I couldn't think of another way to put other than in my daughter's lingo :). She meets other girls and they become "bff's" but they never seem to call her or invite her to hang out, etc. She is always the one who has to do the calling and inviting. When she had her birthday party, about 10 people came, which was great, but nobody really keeps in touch to keep that connection going. I could go on and on about her personality, our homelife, etc., but the bottom line is this....how do we get her to be more herself and not be so needy, clingy and desperate to have friends? It's not like she is hounding people, she is just very enthusiastic when there is an upcoming sleepover or get together. Are most kids reserved and mature than mine? My older daughter who is 13, didn't really have this going on for her. From kindergarten to now she has maintained a core group, though, going to different schools now, still keeps in contact and has made new friends fairly easily. Our hearts ache for our youngest. Any insight? Thank you.
Does she have an activity that she loves and is passionate about? If not, find her passion and she will find other like minded kids and she will have many friends.
Not everyone has a BFF.
Kindred spirits can be hard to find.
She's her own person and she's not going to be exactly like your older child.
Being clingy in itself can put people off.
Middle school and high school are times when lots of friendships are coming and going.
Have her in activities where she can meet lot's of people and have more opportunities to meet people outside of school.
In school she can join a few clubs - her energy can be directed towards organizing activities.
If she's busy and less needy people will feel less hounded, they'll make friends more easily.
i worried about that a bit with my older boy. he was fun and popular and busy, but no super-close buddies.
some kids just have lots of more casual friends. and when my kid hit his teens, he actually did make a lifelong friend, which is cool. and i'm betting some of his college friendships withstand the decades.
but here's your bottom line- you want her to be 'more herself', but her authentic self doesn't seem to be what you want it to be. i suggest that you stop trying to fix her. instead of angsting over her and making her (inadvertently of course) feel as if she's 'too clingy' or 'older than she is' or less 'mature and reserved' than the other girls, i'm betting that if her own parents are genuinely thrilled with her just the way she is, she won't feel deep down as if she herself is inadequate and needs tweaking, and will gravitate to her own small and quirky social circle.
i understand the heartache. i do. but i do also think that parents today are way too much into their kids' business. at 11 she should be navigating her own friendships, with only a light touch and tweak from a practical distance from her mom. that's not being uninvolved or uncaring- it's trusting that your child is wonderful, and perfectly capable of revealing that sweetness and wonder to those who are open to seeing it. and sometimes that means goofing it up and turning people off. it's very hard to watch, but it's not only okay, it's a necessary development stage.
and it won't happen often. especially if you reinforce to her that she's terrific, and doesn't need to be like the other kids. you really want to her have confidence and individuality, right?
khairete
S.
Your daughter sounds a lot like me growing up. Granted we were military and moved every 2 years, I never found that BFF in any place really. I do have childhood friends that I keep in touch with, but not any that I would make God-parents to my children or anything. My older sister was like your older one though and does have best friends from her childhood.
For me it was hard being my older sister's shadow, even though we were and still are great friends. She included me a lot which meant I hung out with the popular kids 2 years older than me, but not my own age. I survived.
I always had friends, I always had things to do, but I wasn't the party girl that my sister was. We were very different and I didn't like my parents trying to make me the same as her. If I was happy I wanted left alone. Is your daughter unhappy? Has she expressed concern over her friend situation?
If not, does she do any sports? My daughter's best friends are her dance friends - she only goes to school with 1 of them, but she has known them longer than any of her school friends (started when she was 2). At school she is getting involved in clubs and activities so she is making new school friends that way.
I do agree with Suz that kids need to navigate their own friendships. But that does not mean they are capable of handling the logistics of getting together with another child without any parental involvement -- not at 11. They don't drive yet; they don't always even know their own schedules ("Oh, I have soccer tomorrow? I thought it was Saturday! I said I could do so and so tomorrow!") and they also sometimes just don't think to ASK other kids to do things outside school or outside their shared activities.
So encourage your daughter to ask other kids over. She can make the call but yes, you do have to have some involvement because a parent's not going to let Sally swan over without arranging day, times, pickup, whatever. Still too early for that, unless the kid is next door, and frankly the "next door buddy" thing tends to die a natural death as kids get older anyway.
If you are hoping other kids will call her to come "hang out" as you put it -- well, other kids may be very, very booked. That's what I've found. At this age and from this age onward, kids (at least around here) have after-school band practices, or sports, or dance, or church group things all weekend, or music lessons, etc.
You have to make those calls and make some plans that are a few days or even weeks out from now -- the days of "Oh, can Sally come over this afternoon?" are waning at age 11, certainly around us.
I do know how you feel with the idea that "she is always the one who has to do the calling and inviting" but you know what? That's sometimes the way it is. Total reciprocity just doesn't exist in life, even in 11-year-old get-togethers. Give more focus to the kids who do reciprocate and find out if the kids who don't ever reciprocate possibly do like your child but are just very involved elsewhere.
Does your daughter have activities? Scouts, church group, art club or class, clubs at school, sport, dance, anything? Friendships -- children's or adults' -- are better rooted in shared interests than in mere proximity. If she and you are figuring that her stock of friends should come mostly from schoolmates, just because they're schoolmates, I'd rethink that. Get her into activities that SHE really likes - don't do it with the goal that she will make friends. But help her research and find classes, clubs, groups that she can join where she really wants to be there because she likes the activity itself; friendships may follow and they'd be based on more than just sharing the same teacher at school.
One last thing. I remember the earlier post about how she was dancing on the edge of little-girl ways and wanting to be more grown-up. That's so normal and SO much better than a girl wanting to be too adult, too soon, so please try to treasure it. If you think she is acting a certain way -- maybe more "maturely" as she interprets that? Or goofier, to get attention? -- around other kids, that may be a strong sign that she needs to have some friendships that grow naturally out of shared interests and shared activity, so she does not feel she must impress other kids. If she is focused on a fun thing she likes to do, and therefore NOT focused on whether the kid doing it next to her likes her and will be her buddy -- then she will be "more herself" as you put it, and the friendships she makes will be much more real and lasting.
It takes time and patience from her and from you too, so please be sure she does not pick up on your concerns that she isn't making friends or keeping them. She will pick up on that even if you say nothing, believe me.
She may be just fine the way things are. BFF's sometimes come with baggage. My dd has one gal she's been best friends with since K (she is 11 also). However this girl is very jealous and sabotages my dd's attempts to do things with anyone else. This causes my dd lots of anguish.
Be careful what you wish for.
Have her join club(s) at school. How about putting her in leadership?
you have some real nice answers here.
I feel for ya and for her too. But do remember she will grow and find her way. And it really isn't about how many as much as quality. You want her to find someone she can truly like and vica versa. So even though this is hard it will pass and this won't seem so huge in time to come. It's better she know herself and continue being the interesting and interested person she is than to try to please others just because that's what society says.
Joining the club or group that fits her could make all the difference. Also there are all sorts of things she could get into outside of school, does she ride a horse or want to learn? There are some nice horsemanship clubs. This is only one suggestion.
I will be reading this one because my daughter is the same way. She does and 1 BFF but she is a year younger. My daughter complains about not having friends. I don't know what it is either. I did join the Y and she is in a lot of sports there but still not making that connection.
