"Support...YEAH RIGHT!!"

My husband's Mom seemed to do absolutley everything for him so he was not used to doing stuff around the house. We used to fight about this on and off, when I asked him to do stuff he would say how hard his day was (which most of the time it must have been, his work is very labor intensive). This used to really annoy me though because my day was hard with one kid at home. Then I was expecting my second and was worried how hard it may get.
Basically to stop any arguing I stopped being so nice about it, I didn't ask him to do stuff but told him I needed it doing. So instead of "honey, would you mind doing the....." I started to say "babe, I need you to do this" and he would do it, at first with some complaining but let the complaints go (or eye rolling), do not get into a fight about who puts out the trash, it's not worth it. So I would let him grumble about it but ignored it and carried on telling him I needed stuff doing which he got used to and stopped complaining. I did show my appreciation for what he was doing aswell, I always say thanks when he does something I ask him to do, that shows him I appreciate the help which makes him want to help me more in the future. You could also start asking your daughter to help out by putting her toys away and little things like setting the table or bringing her plate to the sink when she's finished. She is old enough to help with simple tasks now, and that may guilt your boyfriend into helping you more.
If your boyfriend really cares about you He'll get it. My husband became way more supportive after I had our second son. He helps a lot around the house now, I don't ask him to do most of the stuff that needs doing. If he really refuses to help you after the second child is born maybe you need to reconsider your situation, like you say you're doing it alone now anyway so what difference would it be not to have him around? Think about it.

So sorry to hear that.. my sister had her first baby when she was 17 almost 18.. and now she has 4 beautiful children and is married to their dad. They have had rough times, but now have a healthy and happy marriage after 12 years of marriage!. For them it's taken him growing up and lots of support from my parents helping.

Does your boyfriend have someone in his life (a man) that is a good role model? someone that can show him that being a good father means helping, changing diapers.. jumping in there?

Are you able to get counseling or go away to a marriage retreat for the weekend together?

Hope it gets better.

OHHH J., hang in there. First, your pregnant, tired, overwhelmed and wondering how its all going to work. It will trust me it will. My son was 3 when his baby brother was born and now that I look back he was amazing. I let him sit on my lap while breast feeding and hold his little brother and he never once was mean to him. So if that is any worry let it go. Secondly, I remember (even when I wasn't pregnant) that I wasnt going to do it all. And quite frankly you won't. Does it matter if the toys are left out, does it matter if the clothes aren't dried or folded, etc. Third, I don't think men truly think like we do. and I am not entirely sticking up for your boyfriend but think of his stand point also. He get's up, goes to work, brings home the money (which i'm guessing by your letter that you stay home?), and when he gets home he wants to just chill. right? on the other hand your been "on" all day, tending to your daughters want, needs and whims your brain is tired and you just want to feel appreciated and that would be by him just doing at least one thing around the house right? You respond to little things done for you ... right? Maybe talk just talk openly and honestly with him ... don't badger, complain, or scold. You might be surprised ? I personally am single, working mom. and sometimes I would love to just be home with the kids.
So here my side and maybe that will help you to look at your situation a little different. I have a friend who lives with me and 'for rent' he watches my boys (some of the time just the one because the other goes to school) and times when I get home from work I'm totally aggravated because I have to clean up the kitchen, pick up the toys and sweep or clean something else. I get up and go to bed cleaning kitty pans, feeding the animals and tending to everything (it feels like). At times I want to scream and holler (and at times I have) why can't the house be cleaned up, why aren't the toys put away... but then I try to step back and be grateful I have someone to watch my boys and they don't have to go to day care.I have to remember when I'm home I let things go til later. There has been times when I didn't have live in babysitter and my house was trashed, and I couldn't keep up and I would be down right balling to my mom that there is no way I can do it all. (then a babysitter would come over and help!!) Anyway there's two sides here. I understand your frustration really I do !!

but remember your pregnant, your tired, emotions are high, your not wonder women.(but pretty close). I hope that puts maybe just maybe a little different angle on things. Your awesome . you can do this and just tell yourself --- I'm only one person and if my house is dirty at the moment oh well.

What I do when my requests get met with eye-rolling is just ignore it (and ask in my nicest, most innocent voice).
When my oldest (who is now 3.5) was about a year old, my husband told me during an argument that "your job ends when the baby goes to bed." YEAH RIGHT! THat's when all the stuff I wasn't able to do during the day gets done.
Now that we have two kids (and my husband is out of school), my husband is a lot more supportive. For us, the key is for me to tell him (nicely, of course) EXACTLY what I need him to do. "Hey, can you keep her occupied while I give him a bath?" Otherwise, I'd have two kids in the bathroom (or the bathtub) and one husband flipping through channels in the other room.
Be clear, be nice, ignore the attitudes as much as possible, and don't be afraid to go to counseling if needed.
GOOD LUCK! Going from one kid to two is an adjustment.

I guess I am not the only one whose ex was this same way! He is an ex-husband for a reason. I'm not saying you should kick him to the curb....yet, but you guys seem way too young to be having kids and being in such a committed relationship. You seem very mature and responsible, but obviously, he is not. Try counseling, but if that doesn't work out, maybe you should go it alone. You are not married to him, thank goodness, and although it's very tough to be a single parent (been there), it's much better for YOU and your children to be away from such an irresponsible person who obviously cares more about himself than his family. I'm so sorry this sounds harsh, but having learned the hard way by being in your EXACT situation, I feel like I need to tell it straight to you. Here's what will happen in your relationship...it happened to me: You will have the baby, he will start "working late", hanging out with the guys more and more, not coming home, not answering his phone, you will feel more and more heartbroken and depressed, you will fight in front of the kids all the time, you will cry everyday. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN???? Please either get counseling or if he is not willing and doesn't change on his own, break it off, make sure he pays you child support, and move on! YOU DON"T DESERVE THIS!!! My thoughts are with you!

Hi J., I started replying back to you early and didn't finish and I am not sure where it went so, if you get this twice I apologize. Anyway I was saying wow you are so young to have your hands sooo full. About a week ago I had the same situation with my husband of 11 yrs. but been together 18 years. We have a beautiful son 9 yrs. old and he is the love of my life. I am also blessed to stay at home. Now my busy life isn't so much with two young kids, but, I clean the house, laundry, scrub floors, bathrooms, grocery shop, cook the dinners, my son is in 4 different sports so going to practices and games plus having playdates often really keeps me busy. Not much time for my self until bed. My husband and son DO NOT pick up after themselves at all because mommy will. Well it has gotton to me lately, plus I have alot of health issues, with surgeries. So anyway I tried to write down all the stuff I do in a day/week and showed it to my husband. Still really nothing. We have many fights. So to make a longer story short I just started asking/telling him, hey can you bring that plate upstairs to the dishwasher, can you start our sons shower, garbage is full and needs to go out. Things like that so I don't really give him a chance to answer yes or no. Because we know he won't do it by himself and if I ask nicely I get, well I worked all day. So I just tell him what needs to be done. It is kindof working plus with my list I make of the things I do at the end of the day he a least sees what I am doing. Also I have a chore chart for my son, make bed in morning, pick up toys when done, put dirty clothes in hamper, tuesday empty all the garbage cans so Daddy can take the trash out. Nothing major but at the end of the week when he sees he has helped out he is proud and gets to pick something out of the jar of the things he writes down during the week that he wants or wants to do. At least I am not yelling too much anymore. With your little one make a chore list with stars of the things she does. Make her bed (throw the sheets over her pillow) pick up her toys and put where belong. Help mommy dry dishes, girls like that, help set the table we need to make them feel they are important in making a home a home. Also you need to explain to him when your next child is born it is important that while one of you are attending to one of the children, the other parent play with the other child so they both feel loved and not left out because you don't want your daughter to resent her precious baby brother. Also when the baby is born have your daughter feel like the big sister and say things like you need to help your baby brother learn and teach him because you are so smart. Maybe she can help you feed the baby or change diapers etc... Please just take a deep breath and try some of my suggestions and hopefully they will help, we can't have you to stressed out because you need your energy for your two precious angels. If you need anything please don't hesitate to email me, I will be gald to do what I can. I wish all the luck, happiness and health for your family. Keep me posted.

Take care,
S.
____@____.com

well first nagging is only going to push him away more. my husband was never very helpful when our girls were real little ( i breastfed) and as we speak it is 9 am on sat. mornig he is still sleeping and i have been up with the girls since 7:30! you are very young and its not easy but i notice when i work full time he helps more, and when i work part time the house is more my resposiblity. being almost due with your second you might just be over emotional now, and he might be getting nervous too.

Besides being young, your BF sounds in very immature. However, he won't grow out of this without pressure. If there's a 3rd party who can talk with him or if you can go to a minister or someone for counselling, it might help. I think you need to stop knuckling under and taking this. I went thru this in my 1st marriage when we were young and I was very hurt and depressed but saw no way to change it. It's awful and really wears you down! I can see he's done a bit better with his 2nd wife because she's been more direct with him and more insistent. All I can say is, you are not alone but this won't get better unless you demand that it change. You can start with talking about being on the same team and how important he is in your lives, and do this apart from the time when it happens. Maybe you two can go to a cheap restaurant or take a drive without your daughter. Try to enlist his cooperation calmly, appealing to his more positive side, telling him how much you appreciate how hard he works etc. Good luck, J.! I think you'll have to be very consistent with this and develop a thicker skin - hard to do when you're 8 mos pregnant!! My heart goes out to you, believe me!

Dear J., My heart goes out to you. My ex was very much the same way. The worst thing you can do is to start treating him like a child. Believe me, it will only make things worst. Just let him know that if he cannot start acting like a man, then he needs to move out! You sure don't need three kids to take care of. The problem is that the only person we can change is ourselves. That means that we can change how we respond to the other person's issues, but we cannot make them do what they do not want to do. So if he cannot act like a man, kick him to the curb. He is not worth it!! File for child support, and find a mature man for you and your children. If anything will make him change, it will be seeing you surviving without him. If that is not enough to make him change then he isn't worth your efforts in the first place. Remember, we teach others how to treat us. Don't allow anybody to treat you this way. If he needs a mommy,then send him back home until he grows up enough to cut the apron strings. Good luck with you upcoming birth of another mirical. God bless you and your babies. (I believe all fathers should have to wear that fake pregnancy belly, and do all the house work and child care for the last month of a pregnancy that they have created in the first place. Ha Ha!)

Sweetie,
I think it's high time you offer boyfriend an ultimatum. I mean your kids haven't come to be all on their own. Two people helped create them. What? does boyfriend think that he's done his part and that's all there is? Was anything discussed beforehand? He's not living up to his responsibility, and he shouldn't be putting it all on your shoulders. He needs to step up to the plate or make up his mind that he's in over his head. And I know that sounds harsh right now, but is this the kind of family life you want for your kids? You have to think about that. What kind of a role model is he showing to be? You're young and you took on having kids a bit early but you seem to be shouldering it fine.
Good luck. I hope you find a way to work this out.

It take two to tango! If he roles his eyes and he doesn't want to help now he isn't going to do it after. You need to sit down and tell him how you feel and tell him if there isn't going to be help than there the door. Is he the father to both children? Your three year old also needs to start picking up her toys. Good luck but from the sounds of it you need to boot him out!

J...... Good Luck! You are too young to be having these problems already. If he isn't helping out with one child, he for sure will not help with the second. If you and your boyfriend are not getting along, the children will pick up on this and all 4 of you will be unhappy, which makes for a very unhappy home and it will affect your children when they get to school. It sounds like you need to get rid of him and live a happy life - you and your kids. Unfortunately, he will be in your life forever because of the children. If you have to go to counseling before you are married, you have some serious issues that will probably never be worked out.

Maybe having him there to see the birth will open his eyes. I think becoming a parent (you didn't say if your daughter is his daughter as well) can really transform a persons life. One of my best friends got her life together and became a functioning person when she got pregnant at 19. She managed to go to school and work while having a little one. And is a union organizer now. Maybe it will work for your boyfriend. Mostly what I hear is that us Moms become stronger women and learn to do it all (Like in my Grandmas day).
Good luck to you! A. H

I hate to be the one to tell you in this way, but there is nothing YOU can say or do to make him change his mind set about things... BUT others can.
There was a time when we would go to church after our first was born that my hubby would grab HIS bible out of the car and go inside. Leaving ME to carry not only the baby and all the gear but the food for the weekly potluck. UNTIL one of the older (i'm talking 70's )men pulled him aside and told him that he needs to help out more. That moms do so much that can not be appreciated until they are gone and that dads should pitch in around the house and with the kids. Well, from that very day hubby helps around the house, changes diapers, and carrys everything but the food into church... :-)
I grew up in a large family and never had complained to him about needing help becaus taking care of just me or me and a baby was easier than caring for 6 people under the age of 12... But now I don't need to ask. All I have to say is what would Mr. Meisle do?...
Does he have a grandfather or older man that he respects that you could off handedly remark about how tired you are and you wish BF would help out a bit until you get your energy up?

Does BF know how hard it is to care for one kid with no safety net? After baby is born and you feel up to being seperated from the, you should arrange a weekend away... Just you... visit a friend... He cares for the kids. Both of them. Don't get upset if the house is trashed when you get back... It will be. But he will have a new respect for the demands of the kids.

But until then, do you live near any relatives or know anyone with teenage daughters that may be willing to sorta live in for a bit?

At the very least see about finding a babysitter for a few hours so you can take a nap...

Hi J.,

Unfortunately, unless your boyfriend truly understands what is going on...then yes, this is how it will be when your baby is born. Many times our partners do not 'get it' that our jobs as SAHM's ARE 24/7 ... no breaks, no holidays, no time off...we're it.

Lovingly, you need to sit down and have a conversation with him. Do it during a time when you're not asking him to do something and he is in a good frame of mind. Explain to him that carrying this extra PERSON inside of you puts a strain on your body. You are having trouble breathing because the baby is pushing on your lungs because he is getting big and ready to be born. In turn, the extra weight puts a strain on your heart as it is pumping MORE blood through your body. When you're pregnant your blood volume increases. You're tired, your moody, and YOU. NEED. HELP.

In addition, when the baby comes YOU will be the one responsible for caring for this child. If you're going to breastfeed that means mommy is it 'round the clock, every two to three hours for several weeks. Giving birth is incredibly hard work and you WILL need to get some rest. He WILL need to help with your other son as well as allowing you some time to sleep so you can recouperate. I would also suggest asking your mom or a friend or someone you trust to come over during the day a few times a week to help.

If your boyfriend is unwilling to be a parent as well (kids have 2 parents you know, even when one is a SAHM), then I think you need to seriously consider if this is the guy you want to be with. You need a partner. I'm not a fan of breaking up a family, but both parents need to be present. Both parents need to be involved. It can't ALL fall to one. Sure he worked all day and is tired...but so did you. And you don't get to put your feet up at night and rest like he does.

What we do in our house is we have a schedule. For example... we give our daughter a bath every other night. So, one night I do it, the next my husband does it. That way, I'm not doing it ALL the time. On Saturday mornings my husband gets up with my daughter and is 'in charge' of her for a few hours. I get to sleep. :-)

Try and see if you can work something out with your boyfriend where he doesn't feel like he is 'doing everything', because I'm sure that is what he is thinking... but instead is willing to be a partner in the house and with the kids.

Good luck hon and cograts on the new baby.

Try to get him to go to your next OB GYN appointment. If you have the right OB, he/she will help educate and explain to your boyfriend WHY you're so tired, all the changes in your body, how all your organ's are completely squished due to the baby, how/why you can't sleep, why your feet are swollen and that you need as much REST as possible right now. My husband was the same way until he went to an appointment with me and my OB started asking us questions about housework, sleeping, etc. When she found out how much I was doing and how little he was doing, boy did she let him HAVE IT! Not in a mean way...she just educated him and explained all of these things that were going on in my body due to this little baby inside, and that he (the dad) should be taking care of me every second of every day, since I was caring HIS child. It really opened his eyes and he started helping quite a bit, without being asked and without rolling his eyes. Now that the kids are 5 and 3, I'm back to not getting enough help and the eye rolling again. LOL! At least it helped when I was prego though. Good luck to you. Keep us posted!