Summer Visitation for My Six Year Old and His Father
Updated on
May 04, 2012
C.L.
asks from
Albany, CA
7
answers
Less a question, more a plea for support/ similar experiences.
My son is six years old, and has lived with me his entire life. His father did live with us in NY for several years, but moved 1000 miles away a few years ago. My son does know who his dad is, has had a relationship with him, and still speaks to him fairly regularly. I have full custody, but when we went to court last year I advised the judge I wanted to allow summer visitation. His father is entitled to six weeks with him, and this will be our first year following through.
His dad isn't my favorite person, but he's also not a bad man, loves his son dearly (although he doesn't always contact regularly, and struggles with following through with financial support). I've known him for almost 10 years, and he's a good guy for the most part. He is capable of being fun, attentive, responsible and a good parent. There are also other family members there that are dying to spend time with my son, like his grandmother, and some younger cousins/ cousins once removed in the area. My son has been quiet about the visit, saying he's excited to go but not being too over the top (I think he may be being sensitive to my feelings, not wanting me to be lonely).
My fear is this - how am I going to survive six weeks without him when the longest he's been away from me has been 5 days at most!! I have major anxiety.. That I'll fall apart, won't know what to do with myself, or that my son will have so much fun fishing, camping, swimming, boating, jet skiing (Florida, and his father has a really nice lifestyle compared to my struggle, work and go to school) and being with his dad (its obvious he craves male attention) that he won't want to come home! Will I have to drag him back? If I do have to drag him, is that okay? Is it damaging psychologically to allow a six year old to be gone from his primary caregiver for that long? What about a mini vacation for me to visit him for a long weekend? Will that make things harder? I'm sincerely trying not to make this about me, but I feel like curling up in a ball and crying for the entire time.
And then on the opposite end - I'm youngish, had my son when I was 20, and this will be my first summer of absolute freedom since he was born. No obligation to come home directly after work, I can go out as late as I want on the weekends and be as tipsy as I want, no cooking a balanced dinner or packing lunch. What if I love it and I'm resentful when he comes back?! I can't imagine that being the case, in a million years, but a friend cautioned me that the adjustment period when he comes home will be tough too, for both of us.
I have about a month, and I'm steadily ramping up to more and more anxious. Help! I'm doing the right thing, right?! (Not that its going to change based on other people's opinions. Lol)
You just get used to it like any visitation. I cram more of my work hours into when I don't have my kids. That way when I have them I have more time to goof with them.
At the end he will miss you as much as you miss him. He will not want to stay anymore than you will want your free lifestyle. :)
Try the working thing, it really does pass the time. Granted I do this weekly but the same principal applies. Even if it won't cut your hours back when he gets back extra money in the bank is always a nice thing.
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K.P.
answers from
New York
on
Ensuring that your son has a relationship with his father is absolutely the right thing. Enjoying your time as a "young adult" without a child is the right thing too. You won't resent his return in any way. If anything, it may encourage you to take a little more time for yourself on a regular basis!
How will you survive? It will stink. Six weeks in a row is a long time. Is it possible to break this up a little? Can he go for three weeks in June and another three weeks in August? I'm less concerned about you and more about his ability to be away from home at that age for that length of time. Just a thought.
Otherwise, talk for a few minutes on the phone each day. Skype when you can. Email when you can and send care packages!! Send him little packages on a weekly basis so he knows you are thinking of him... little things will go a long way.
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S.S.
answers from
Binghamton
on
It's so nice to hear someone else obsessing about these things too. My eldest is going abroad for an entire year and I have no idea how I am going to handle it. But rest assured I will, and so will you. Maybe we'll crawl into a ball in the corner and cry for a while, maybe we'll go dancing. Either way we will get kids back who have had an experience that we, in our selfless mommy wisdom, have let them go to so they can grow. And ultimately it will make us all stronger, though I have the sneaking suspicion it is going to hurt like heck sometimes too. But when was personal growth painless, right?
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L.B.
answers from
New York
on
It is better that your son has some uninterrupted time with the Dad. I do not think a visit in the middle from you is a great idea. Just as he may get comfortable, you may disrupt that. I know from experience how horrible it is to be without your kid for the first time. I try to plan events such as hosting a jewelry party. I plan weekends away with friends or other activities so I know I will have something to look forward to. And yes you will feel resentful when you lose your freedom again. We all do. Enjoy your 6 weeks and do not let your son feel sorry for you or act super upset. Get plenty of rest while you can as well!
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K.M.
answers from
Kansas City
on
You will survive! Enjoy some "you" time. You deserve it! Have you already paid for travel arrangements? If not, maybe you could reconsider the length of time. Six weeks seems like a very long time especially if there isn't much of a relationship between your son and his father. I would have tried 1-2 weeks. Just my two cents....
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M.P.
answers from
Portland
on
I suggest your anxiety has kicked in big time. What do you do for your anxiety? May be time to take more meds, do more exercise, consciously think more positive thoughts, distract yourself with activity, etc.
You're over thinking this. You will miss him but you will also have fun being a young adult. He will miss you and want to come back. He will have a wide support system there to help him deal with being away from you.
Start using positive affirmations. Tell yourself something positive every time a negative thought enters your head. You are definitely doing the right thing. It's important for your son to know his father and that family. They are a part of who he is.
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J.M.
answers from
Philadelphia
on
well I'd say get a good cry in the first day and then make plans on things you always wanted to do but coukdn't. Make a bucket list. Sky diving, sleeping in, reading a book on the beach, taking a nap on the beach, working out, going on a date, (s), have a summer fling, make new friends, host a bbq, go to a play, visit museums?? there is so much you can fill your time with that you cant do with kids
