3 & 5 Year Old Sons Visiting Their Father and He Says They Want to Live with Him

Dear Sweet Mama: Please try not to let this upset you. I was a product of the same "Summer Vacations" in Phoenix as a child. We had a blast and I can still remember the fun we had with my Dad. Although we would have loved to live the "Fun" life every day, we came home, went to school and had the responsible, routine lifestyle molded by my Mom and Stepdad that became my foundation as a successful businesswoman, wife, mother and friend.

In addition, I do not know of any judge that would give full custody to a father that does not hold a full-time job, does not pay child support, and left the state without taking care of his children first.

Keep us posted with an update.

I think that it's not up to the kids where they will live, which is why a court would not take what a 3 and a 5 year old say into consideration. Of course Daddy played the "fun man" for 6 weeks, and of course little kids want to live where it's FUN and there are no responsibilities! We've had our daughter say she wants to live at grandma's many times. Grandma's is fun, there is candy and lots of TV and attention. What YOU know, and they don't, is it wouldn't be good for them to live there. That's why adults make the decisions.

You can't prevent daddy from being the fun man. You just can't. Fortunately you know he's going to turn you into an income source and be a poor father so you can make a sound decision.

When your kids say "I want to live with daddy!" you can just respond with "sounds like you had a good time!" I wouldn't answer the question about living with daddy with a "no, you can't" because then you might have to explain. Instead, just acknowledge that daddy is a lot of fun, and won't it be fun when they go to see him next summer? If they persist, then you can just give them a big hug and say "well, you will see daddy next summer, won't that be fun? I'm so glad you are here now!"

It's best that they stay ignorant of the reason. If you feel you need to explain a little, tell them that you and daddy share the job of raising them, and they live with you part of the year so they can go to school, and they can see daddy in the summer and have fun.

No need to say more than that. And stay strong with keeping them living with you. It's the best thing for them, even if they don't know it. (And unfortunately when they get much older they will actually see why, and that's sad!)

My boys always want to live with grandma/grandpa if they have gone for a sleepover I wouldn't be too concerned with that.

I would be concerned about not having an actual court ordered visitation schedule you need one to protect you and your kids. I would not wait until they are home I would go o the courthouse today and get started on a motion to modify the current court order to include a specific visitation schedule.

I would go see a lawyer to see what rights you have in your state.
50/50?
If that's the case, you fight to stick to it.
I understand your worry but you are their mother and you fight for your rights!!!!!
Take a deep breath and handle one thing at a time:
-getting them back home
-seeing a lawyer to find out your rights (then implement them)
-how far away do you live from each other?
-don't fret over what the kids "want" to do....you are their mother and know what's best.
-protect yourself legally and don't give in to anything!
-your cute babies can say what they want to say but you as their mother know what is best for them!
-hang tight, hang tough, protect yourself, find out your rights, don't cave in to anything
-It's normal for a child to say he wants to stay with the "fun" parent. You know....the one that doesn't make them do chores, hold them accountable, tells them to put away their shoes, takes them to the doctor, has their best interest at heart etc.
-Don't ever give up your right to be w/your child OR to have 50/50 custody.
-Kids say things all the time. I know they would miss their mommy.
-Protect yourself and find out your rights.
I wish you the best!

My two four year old girls would love to live with grandma (she has a pool!), Uncle Dan (he buys them candy!), or best friend's mom (she jumps on the trampoline with them!). It's the age. Everything looks good in the moment to a preschool aged child. But they'd really miss their mom too much. In three days after getting home, they'll have great stories of the summer at dad's, but they'll be thrilled to be with their mommy.

It sounds to me like you need to modify your child custody agreement to specify how much time your boys spend with their dad. Also, if he's not paying child support, tell whomever you're supposed to. Part of being responsible for children is paying, not just playing.

The kids are living for the moment, so I wouldn't worry. Right now they are having a good time and said what they were feeling. The biggest advice I can give you it to NOT say anything negative about living with dad or about dad, it will backfire on you. As difficult as it is and as much as you may want to just say it to bring them back to reality, not a good idea. First, they are too young to make that type of decision, and I am sure they will get over the daddy high soon!!. Just have compassion when you pick them up and try to stay positive. Don't show them you are upset, and maybe even plan something fun for the day when they do come home. They will miss their dad because they weren't married to him lol!! So try to not take it personally, it doesn't mean you are not a great mom and that they don't love you. They don't have the same issues with dad that you do so try to keep that in the back of your mind. I know it hurts, I had that happened to me once when my son came home from a visit from dad (who is the biggest jerk ever!!) It made me feel like garbage!!!! My ex barely saw my son and now my son hasn't seen him since he was 12, he is now 26 and it does effect him, so try to tolerate dad, for the benefit of your sons. You do not have to defend yourself as a mom, you sound like a great mom, but unfortunately this is their dad and although you are divorced he is there forever. When the kids talk about dad say things like I am so happy you had fun with dad, and dad has his own rules and mommy has hers. This way you are not putting dad down but letting them know you are separate and do things differently. It is a tough thing to do but I came from divorce and my mother HATED my dad , and let me know it, and it did effect my relationship with him. So I learned when my marriage didn't work that I would never do this to my son, so I took the high road. The jerk never kept up his relationship with his son, so I knew I made the right decision, and I am sure you do too. Keep positive and keep your morals, and values, when raising your kids, they will always know, and love the mom they have. Good luck!!

Nevermind what the kids told him they have been manipulated. Take them home if you have custody. Were you living in NY or in SC at the time. Do you have full custody or shared custody. Mothers can often get a lawyer for free.
If you move to Baltimore the law is totally in the mother's court. He might not even get an overnight with them. Next summer when he asks do not send them. The idiot is how old and married for the third time? He'll be married five times by the time he's 40. How much upheaval do your sweet children have to endure.

You need to get it specified in the court how long he gets them. And go pick up your kids.

You children don't know what is best for them. They don't get a say in this. And push the child support when you get these kids back.

The last thing you need your kids to see is a slacker for a dad. They'll end up like that too.

Dawn

In my experience from my job, where I see custody issues all the time, I have noticed for the most part, kids always want to "stay" wherever they currently are. It's common for that age to say they want to stay with daddy when they're with daddy or stay with mommy when they're with mommy. And as they get older, its my observation that they start to use that against a parent when they are angry or wanting more freedom that the other parent offers. Just remember - there are MANY OTHER ways to judge your kids' happiness and well-being and just because they may verbalize they want to live with daddy, this alone should not convince you (or him.) I would just explain to your ex that you want the kids to maintain a good relationship with him but that you are not going to have them uprooted like that. I agree that your custody order should specify visitation rights even if you have physical custody. And if you grow concerned that he would not return them (not just that he's asking to have them live with him) then you need to discuss this with a lawyer to possibly modify the visitation order for supervised visits or something.

My kids always come home from a weekend night stay Grammy & Papa's saying they want to live there... mainly because they are only there for a short time and they get more one on one attention, get to go out to eat and go to the big pool. Well, that was till they stayed there for swimming lessons for 2 weeks and both Grammy & Papa had to work... then they didn't do as many fun things, didn't get as much attention and didn't get to go to the pool except for lessons & then it was kinda work.

Once they got home, they enjoyed the family time and attention. They also saw the other stuff we do - like swim in our pool in the yard almost everyday (eventhough its not the big underground one), go for family walks & play family games.

But it does hurt when they say they want to live somewhere else, although they fully don't understand what they are saying. Right now they are overwhemed to be with someone they don't see often, it is new and exciting... but in time they will want there mommy - nothing really beats mommy in the end.

Keep taking care of as you have been, but you might want to get your papers looked at and get them clerified a little better. Since he does live so far away - have the papers actually set-up limits on summer/winter visits.

Good luck and keep your chin up - you are doing the best you can... they will see what you have done for them someday.

Doesn't matter what the kids want. They're not old enough to decide. If you have a court order granting you physical custody your ex cannot legally keep them away from you. He can keep them causing you to go back to court to get a warrant to pick up the children. But he will be in trouble if he does that. He can go back to court and try to get physical custody changed but I doubt that the court would grant that.

I suggest you talk with a lawyer so that you feel more confident and then remain calm with him, knowing you are in the right. Don't fight with him. Don't try to convince him he can't keep the kids. But do confidently tell him that you expect them back on such and such a date. Remind him of the court order.

It might help to have an attorney send him a letter with a copy of the current order. Scare him a bit.

You do not have to convince anyone that you're a good mother unless he takes you to court. So relax. Enjoy your time in ways you can't when you have the children. Worry doesn't change anything but makes us miserable.

You can't change him. You can't prevent him from using the kids. You can document what he says and does. This will indicate, if you do have to go to court, that he's not acting in their best interests.

What is appropriate for time spent with him depends on him and the children and how they get along. I suggest that 6 weeks is too long because of their young ages. They will cling to what they're used to and in 6 weeks they've been with Daddy long enough that they may favor staying with him making the transition back with you more difficult.
I recommend that you talk with a child development specialist about the length of time for visits.

It's not your problem that you live in different states. It's not your responsibility to see that parenting time is convenient for him. He had planned to move to your location and he decided not to. That's his choice. It's good that you want them to be with their father but he is the one who chose not to move with them.

I don't understand why you decided to and live in different states so far away. I think it is best for you to move home (it sounds like you are the one that left). Kids need both of their parents around to make for consistency. I assume you have custody. It just seems like a better plan to be close.

My ex and I live less than a mile apart and that's the way it has been for 14 years, we both need to be there for our 18 year old daughter. We need to be together for many, many things. It has been the BEST situation that she can always be with her parents.

Its summer vacation. The kids are missing their Dad and now that they have him don't want to leave. The rules are probably more lax because its summer and he doesn't see them often. Step mom hasn't become the 'wicked' step mom yet. However its vacation. Its not the everyday routine. If they were to live with him and attend school and do homework, etc. they would be running to stay with you.

When you go to pick them up they will be ready to come home.