Still Not Myself After Miscarriage

After my miscarriage I took Vitex--also known as chaste tree berry herb--to balance my hormones. Took a little while, but it worked. Took about 3 months to feel totally normal...and if it helps, I conceived again the first time we tried and am now holding a healthy one year old.
Good luck in feeling better! This too shall pass.
J.

E., my heart goes out to you. I've been where you are more than once. For me the best thing I did for myself was go see a therapist to talk to. Talking to my husband still brought up all those raw emotions. I needed that outside perspective to help me process the grief and to learn how to cope with it as it crops up from time to time again. It also was really beneficial for me because my therapist was able to discover that I go through Postpardum depression after a miscarriage as well as after I having my daughter. I needed medication to help my depression go away. If I hadn't been in counseling I would have assumed I was just taking it too hard and "sucked it up" and tried to keep going which would have had a worse effect and taken longer to heal. So for what it's worth, this is what I would tell my sisters if they went through this. Talk to a therapist. Having someone not emotionally invested in the grief helps to put it into perspective. I was able to talk through all of it, the excitement I had, the disappointment, the anger at my body for not keeping my baby, for not making my baby perfect so it could stay--the grief. and the fear of trying again. Anger at God for letting me go through this.
I was able to go through all the steps of grief, learn to be more gentle with myself and to love and respect my body again. I have a beautiful 3 year old girl who came after my miscarriages. I was in the hospital much of that pregnancy to keep her, many of my fears were realities for me but I was able to get through it and find peace in the process. There are still days when I am sad for what I lost, but it isn't a controlling grief anymore. I'm not able to have more children, so I am extremely grateful for the beautiful little girl I have, especially after I lost a couple before her. I've had close friends go on to have 2 or 3 after miscarriages. Not go through the PPD (post pardum depression) The journey is different for all of us, but the wonderful part is, we never have to go it alone. I hope you find your peace.

Honey, be patient with yourself. Mourning and grief take their own time.

Give yourself the gift of minimum standards until you feel in the groove of things again. For example: you may decide that everyday, no matter what, you'll have a made bed, empty sink (which doesn't even mean the dishes are done, but that you have full unobstructed access to your sink), the floors swept and/or vacuumed (maybe in just one or a few stratigic rooms), and some sort of extra easy dinner for the day. As a Mom; tell yourself at least one story for the children a day that you read. Set your minimum standard and strive for those few things allowing yourself to feel like you accomplished the day...if you do more then that is BONUS!

We like to jump back into our old lives, but we can't. Everything is a new normal.

I suggest getting the book, "Gone Too Soon".
Here's a link to Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Gone-Too-Soon-Infants-Children/dp/1...

If you scroll down a bit you'll see that it's frequently purchased with 2 other good books, "We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead" and "Mommy Please Don't Cry: There Are No Tears In Heaven"

Now some people may say silly things to try to make you feel better or put you back on the path of "normal" so they don't have to face the pain you may be feeling, but that doesn't change the fact that you need to nurture yourself...you need to be gentle with yourself...and you need to allow the normal course of greif to flow. Let yourself cry, let yourself be angry, let yourself be disappointed; Choose a time in the day when you can lock yourself in your room or bathroom or be with a friend where you can let it all go and then make room for your happy feelings about everything else bubble up.

Get a notebook that you can write, draw, scribble, doodle, and color in. When you're feeling overwhelmed, or UNDERwhelmed, stifled, empty, angry, sad, confused...basically any time...open it up and release yourself to that paper. Words and functional or proper sentences are NOT important...the release is. Your notebook is always available to you no matter what time it is, has no feelings that you should be over anything or that you should be holding onto anything. Just take a few minutes and RELEASE. Crumple the paper, write random words, stab the paper, scribble random colors, draw stick figures, write letters, create poems and songs, draw beautiful scenes, draw dark and angry things, swear, pray, encourage, plan, be grateful, list things to be thankful for, list things you're good at, record quotes you like,...just RELEASE onto the paper. Keep it as a reference for when times are better and/or someone you love is going through the same journey--you can share it if you like for honest and credible empathetic advice.

Remember your husband, too, is likely sad. He, too, probably feels uncertain but is trying to be strong and pretend everything is normal. Men do that. They fake strong and unchanged as a protection for themselves as part of their way of protecting you. Unfortunetly, they sometimes use anger and short tempers as a disguise for their sadness because "men aren't supposed to cry". Some men are more open and sensitive while the woman tries to be stoic. I mention this, because in grieving together it's very easy to allow the other person's style to offend the heart. Make it a priority to allow affection and connection with your man. This is important for your unity; scientifically, for your body to produce oxytocin and endorphins which raise your positive feelings. Dark chocolate will help, too. :)

It's very important you get proper nutrition, sleep, and hydration. Sometimes we don't want to eat and feel like we can't sleep during times like this, but you must be extra careful about tending to your body. I would suggest getting a superior suppliment (of course, I suggest SHAKLEE)and protein drinks to assist in this, especially since we tend to lack the desire to eat well--or at least, cook well.

It is impossible to be unchanged by this. The "myself" you may be looking for could be gone forever...the New You, may be better...allow that to be true and you'll find peace.

I could give you some good advice if you are a biblical Christian, but I don't want to bother if you're not, because I know that non-religious people often think that Christians are fools.

Let me know. It's advice that became my turning point when I couldn't get past an extreme crisis and had developed PTSD as a result.

Dear E., I'm so sorry!!!! I can only image how that would be. But I do know that one of the best things you can do is to talk about it. Try and find someone who will listen and support you in your feelings. Holding in feelings like that will only make it worse. The more you can talk about it - the better it will make you feel, and the faster you will be able to move on. When you do talk about it, make sure to talk about how you feel - try not to dwell on just the negative. I hope everything goes ok. Again I am so sorry. If you want to talk, let me know.

Dear E.,
everyone's responses had a lot of good advice, but I just wanted to add that you may be very depressed while grieving this loss and you may want to seek professional help for you and your husband. Whether you choose to talk with a clergy member or a therapist, even just a couple of sessions can help put things in perspective. Allow yourself time to be sad and grieve - this is not affecting just you but your whole family. Talking about this with someone else can be really helpful.

take care, S.

E.,

I had a miscarriage 4 years ago, and it was devastating. It was so hard. And then, a few months later I felt I was past it. However, my next pregnancy brought all those emotions up again, and my entire pregnancy was filled with fear because of it. I saw a counselor who recommended and lent me a couple of books (that I can't remember the names of now) that were helpful. Also, she recommended that I write a letter to baby. That was so helpful--it allowed me to process my grief and my fear and my guilt (I felt like maybe I wasn't excited enough, and that was why my m/c happened) on paper. It took a couple hours and a lot of tears, but it helped me work through my grief. I think it is very common to feel "not yourself" for weeks if not months later. In addition to all this emotional stuff, you have a ton of physical stuff going on. So, you could possibly benefit from having hormone levels tested and corrected, making sure you get outside and walk or get a little exercise several times a week, even taking a good quality multi-vitamin and some fish oil (I like New Chapter Organics and Carlson's for brands) can help you to feel better physically. My heart goes out to you during this rough time. It is tough. Hang in there and don't be afraid to seek professional help if you need it. And getting pregnant again is not the answer. I wish I would have dealt with my grief more before getting pregnant again. Best wishes.

I lost a baby a 19 weeks. It was horrible and I am so sorry for your loss. I think when you put the emotional loss of the baby together with wild, bouncing hormones - it creates an emotional mom. It just takes time. If you aren't feeling better soon however, you may want to talk to your doc. - some anti-depressants or hormonal treatment could be needed. I found that prayer was essential in my healing process - feeling like there was a purpose behind my loss made it more bearable. Irritability is a sign of depression; it often gets missed as a symptom. Sometimes talking to other women who have had the same experience helps too. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm right three with you, unfortunately. I am very sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages in the last 6 months- one after the other. We miscarried at 8 weeks in early May (had a D&C) and then we just miscarried again at 12 weeks at the end of Dec (another D&C). My hormones are completely out of whack, and I fluctuate weight, and am SUPER emotional! Some days are good, others are more challenging - anything makes me cry. I also find my patience is short and I have a little temper sometimes that is not very common for me.

After my first miscarriage, I got back to normal within about 2 months or so...I think my hormones weren't very crazy at the time, so I did okay.

This second one is a bit different. I was further along and think that may have something to do with it. We're currently going through some testing to figure things out and as of yet, we don't know very much. I have to wait another month for blood work. I tell you this because I think my healing and feeling "normal" again won't come until I know more about maybe why this keeps happening and until my husband and I know if we will be able to try again or not. Emotionally, that keeps me fairly fragile and I now have an added fear about what we'll find out and our "next steps." That's keeping me from feeling "normal" right now...

In the end, just be watchful of yourself and ask your hubby to keep a close eye on you too. That way, if he sees something you don't, it may be very helpful when talking to someone or a doctor or whatever you need if things don't even out for you in the coming weeks. You're running after toddlers and have gone through a sad loss - give yourself time to get your energy up again and get plenty of rest... that is KEY in healing.

Take care of yourself! Again, so sorry that you're going through this.

Best of luck to you,
S.

Hi E., so sorry for your loss. I too had a miscarriage July 4th, 2004. I was so hoping for a baby and when it didn't happen I was devastated. The only thing that kept me going was that we had just moved a few months prior so we had some new exploring to do. So I guess you could say I took up a new hobby to get my mind off of it. I still grieved, just didn't feel like I had to give it all my time and attention..
I hope you find peace soon and again I am so sorry for your loss. We are all here for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My girls were 4 and 2 when I lost my angel. Give yourself time, it took months for things to be "normal". In addition to grieving, your body is still dealing with all of the effects of having been pregnant. Things got better after a couple of months, I still had melencholy moments, but I felt able to function. I found comfort in a journal, books (Empty Cradle, Broken Heart), and an online support group. It was after my due date before things were near normal, and not until my son was safely delivered that I felt safe. Everyone is different, and grieving for the loss of your child is a life changing event. Give yourself time and permission to grieve, the pain does dull as time passes. My miscarriage was 5 years ago, we miss what might have been, but celebrate what we have.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

They say time heals all things but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I have been where you are-I had a miscarrage when I was 27. Remember that you didn't carry to term but you did carry a baby so your hormones are out of wack for awhile. It takes sometime for your body to reset. Plus you are mourning the loss of your baby. I remember the feeling of resenting everyone I saw who was pregnant. Especially those who didn't want there babies. Give yourself some more time, let yourself hurt and think about that baby-to you it was a person-and part of your future. Then slowly begin to move on. Don't let your husband rush you into anything you aren't ready for. I was pregnant 3 months later, but I was terrified for the whole first trimester. Unfortunatly if you choose to have another that fear will probably be with you as well. I will keep you in my prayers for a sense of peace and the ability to move on. Send me a message if you need anything at all.

oh ,E., I am so sorry to hear about this. I had a miscarriage many years ago. I still have no children of my own. I took a long time for me to deal with this loss. Things will get better, but I dont know if they will ever get normal again. This is a loss of a child and that is painful no matter how long ago it is. Let your self mourn the loss and Remember no one is perfect. Just take every day as it comes and soon you will be back in rytham with life again. You are in my prayers.

I'm so sorry! Six weeks after a miscarriage is still like 6 weeks after a baby. You're just now "recovered". However, you have no baby to show for all the hormones, plus you have grief because of that. Six weeks is always a really hard time for me. About 4-6 weeks after the due date is always hard, too, as you start noticing all these sweet little babies and you don't have one of your own. Having children of your own already does not really help, but people will tell you it does. There are two books that have really helped me. One is "Empty Arms". I think the author is Pam Vandrevelt. The other is harder to get a hold of, but you can read it in about an hour. "Known Only to God" by Martha Cummins Love. It will get easier as time goes by, just like any loss. Right now you're still dealing with hormones on top of everything else. You and your family will be our prayers. I hope the next pregnancy comes soon and is smooth.

I've had 2 miscarriages. Both times they were very difficult for me. My first one was when I was about 7-8 weeks along and my second one was 20 weeks along. It's perfectly normal for you to feel te feelings that you are. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're dealing with a loss that is a very difficult loss to handle. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. I've been through it twice and can completely understand what you are going through.

E.

I am very sorry for your loss. A miscarriage at any time is hard to go through. You have to mourn your loss becuase to you that child was yours and you loved it before you ever met them. Understand that it will take time to get through this hard time in your life. My advice to you is to pray for the stregnth to move on. The Lord loves you and will bless you. I too had a very hard time after my miscarriage. I became very depressed and unfortunatley my hubby and I were total opposites. He couldn't wait to start trying again and wanted to be around his new nephew and my pregnant cousins and I wanted nothing to do with anyone who had a child. I thought it was unfair. Eventually with help, love and stregnth from family friends and most importantly the Lord I was able to move on and conceive quickly and give birth to a beautiful baby girl. I would suggest that if you do not start to feel like you are moving on soon that you talk to your Dr. You can easily become depressed and stressed from this. Your Dr can help you. I also found it helpful to do something special on the estimated due date. It was hard but it helped me to move on. Good luck to you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

You are grieving the loss of a child. Be kind to yourself, take some time to do things to help you recover. I personally just started concentrating on getting to TTC and move forward, that and a lot of walks. It took a few weeks, but it did get better. ((((((HUG)))))).

Hormones are nasty little things when they get out of wack. If it lasts must longer, speak to your doctor. They can help you get your hormones into check. Hang in there, it does get better. :)

I had a miscarriage one year ago January at eight weeks (DNC). My husband and I fought about it because we were both hurting and kind of blamed each other. For several months after , when I would see a pregnant woman, I would get mad and jealous at her. What made her better than me? Did I do something wrong? It got to the point that my husband knew I had thought about or seen a pregnant woman because I would be in a horrible mood. I cried all the time and I really mourned for my baby. (It didn't help that I have seasonal affect disorder!) By the time spring came around I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I focused on our new puppy. That's why I got a dog, I desperately needed something new and little to take care of. It helped me tremendously, but that might not work for you. I had a friend, who when she miscarried, she planted a flower in her garden that was different than all the others so she could have something to take care of that would be a healthy reminder of her baby. I'm sure dealing with a miscarriage is different for everyone, but I would imagine it will take a few months to feel like yourself again. Take your time to mourn for your baby but I'm sure you'll get back into the swing of things in a few months. I know wht you're going throgh is difficult, but hang in there and try to enjoy your other boys more than you normally would. My thoughts are with you!

Sorry to hear about your misfourtune. I have never been in your shoes thank god but my advice is to take a vitamin b compex . This will help you to with you temper moodinedss and energy level.

Dear E.,
i am so sorry for your loss. Do not be so hard on yourself. The way you are feeling is NORMAL. You lost a child, you will grieve. Your hormones haven't regulated and you have had a loss. Cry when you need to, if your boys ask why you are crying tell them, look to your husband for support.

After the loss of our son I could not look at babies, on commercials, the store, family friends babies it was to much. After our miscarriage it was the same thing. I just took things slow, and did not expect to heal over night. You are a wonderful mom! Take it one step at a time. Something that might "take the edge off" naturally & help regulate your hormones is what I affectionatly call "happy cream". If you would like more info please feel free to message me. If you just need to talk, vent or cry I am here. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. G.

I am so sorry for your loss E.. I have never experienced the pain you are in, however I do know that with grief you cannot put a timeline on it.
You are entitled to feel the ups and downs right now. Not to mention your body is readjusting not just your emotions.
Go talk to someone, even find a support group so you can be around those going through the same pain and you are normal!
Nobody can tell you to get over it or when to be right again, that takes time. I always heard you have to feel in order to heal, that is true and you need to allow yourself to feel and get through it. Find support wherever you can, church, groups, family, friends, see your Dr if you think you are sinking into depression. Your hormones are out of sync too. Just do good things for yourself so you can be the mommy you want back, but give yourself time to heal.
HUGS and God Bless you!

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I do think what you are going through is normal. I miscarried twice between my first and second babies about 3 years ago and I still cry over those babies I lost. It took a few months before I really felt like I had things under control again. Time has made things easier, but yours happened only 6 weeks ago. I think you need to give yourself more time to grieve. You could talk to your doctor as well and he may be able to help to get you feeling back to normal. You lost a baby though and it does take time to get things back to normal. Don't be too hard on yourself. Again, I am so sorry.

Give yourself time to grieve. If you're a reader, I'd recommend A Silent Sorrow, Pregnancy Loss: Guidance and Support for You and Your Family By Ingrid Kohn, MSW, and Perry-Lynn Moffitt. I'd recommend going to Share meetings (a support group), but I don't know if there's one in St. George. You could still contact someone by phone:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/resources_share_groups....
There's a lot out there to help you out. I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

I have never had a miscarriage, but I know that having children takes a huge toll on our bodies. I feel that you should definately get your hormones checked. It is definately a misconception that only older women need to get their hormones checked. I got mine checked about a year ago and was really surprised. I just recently took my 18 year old daughter to get hers checked and she had to go on thyroid pills and progesterone. I know a great doctor that specialized in bio-identical hormones (the ones that resemble our own that our body makes.) If you are interested just tell me and I can give you the name and number for him. I do know that if I had never gotten my hormones under control that my stress would be unbearable.