Hi there,
I have been a stepmom for almost 4 years now. The stepkids are a 5.5 yr old boy and a 13 year old girl. The girl is not technically my husband's OR mine, but sort of came along with the 5 year old (his biological sister) and so we raise her as our own. I also have a 4 yo son of my own. The first couple years were really rough - the stepkids mom was not so awesome - ( doing drugs when the kids were and weren't there, neglecting them, she lost the daughter when she was younger, etc. ) so needless to say the kids, especially the older girl had ALOT of problems. Not to toot my own horn, but both of the kids are doing so much better now, a large part due to stability that they have in our home - We have them a little more than half time. The problem I have is that I'm pretty sure their mom is bi-polar (or something similar) because the will express extreme gratitude on day and then flip flop the nex day and tell the kids how awful I am. I am a homeschooling mom and childcare provider which she hates because she thinks her kids should never have to share anything. Anyhow....the issue I am having right now is that my 5 year old stepson let loose to me today that his mom does not want me to be at my stepdaughters birthday party next week. We have always done joint birthday parties, but this year her mom insisted on throwing a huge party (way out of either of our financial means). We told our daughter when she asked about doing this, that we thought it was way too expensive and that she would have to see if her mom wanted to pay for it. So now, I don't know if it's because of that, or something else that both of the kids have told me that their mom said she would "let them" invite me, but that she was not happy about it. Oh, I should mention that my husband - who is NOT ACTUALLY her biological father either - is invited, as is my own son! Just not me. My stepdaughter wants me there, but of course now feels in the middle because her mom approached her with this - not the first time her mom has put her own drama on her daughter's shoulders. It is just so hurtful because I do EVERYTHING for this girl. I got her set up with therapy, I buy all of her clothes, I pay for her after school activities, I'm the one who helped her through her getting her period, I help her with tween boy drama, etc. etc. I think I have decided that my bio son and I aren't going to the party, and that our family will just do something else special for her ( my son's idea - unfortunately he heard about the whole thing form his 5 year old brother). I should add that my husband IS on board with the idea as well. I feel horrible, and I'm tired of mom making me feel like a horrible person because the kids like me! help!
I think you should go. That will show you daughter that regardless of conflict between the parents you are not letting her down (you said she wants you there). And after all, you son is her brother too.
My question is, does the girl want you there? If so, than go, and just ignore bio mom to be there for your daughter. If she does not want you to go, then don't, and do something special with her later. I would not consider the bio-moms wants at all in this, it is about your daughter and her birthday and what will make her happy.
I would tell her that you love her and dont go. Don't go for the simple reason that you love her and you dont want to have to put your stepdaughter in the middle of this. Maybe the 2 of you could go out alone for a movie or something to kind of make up for it, but really, you have to be the bigger person simply so that it doesnt fall on the 13 year old's shoulders. She's probably already pretty ashamed of her mother and her mother's actions and she doesnt need to be put in the middle any more than she has to be.
Well your only source of information is your 15yr old stepdaughter, they can stir up drama on their own. I would talk to the other mom and find out for sure what the deal is. Nothing wrong with having a separate party if you arent into the other scene.
Sit down and talk with your step daughter. Let her know that you love her and are okay if you don't go. That you don't want her to feel in the middle of the fight. That the two of you can have a special girls day together.
I think if you act like it doesn't bother you and you plan something special with your step daughter, it will take the weight off of her shoulders, which she shouldn't have there, anyway, she's just a kid. Make sure hubby takes pics and video and let your step daughter narrate it when it comes time to watch.
I think gracefully backing off is best for your step daughter. She needs to see a mature woman doing the right thing for the situation. Good luck.
Hi M.
You've gotten some great answers already; the two I like most (as an observer and not as a participant in your life) is to either approach this mother woman-to-woman, or to take what your stepdaughter said at face value and do something else, as your son sweetly suggested.
One line of your post really stood out to me:
"I'm tired of mom making me feel like a horrible person because the kids like me! help!"
In some ways, I think this is your bigger challenge; you are going to have to find a way of compartmentalizing your interactions with her and putting them into a different context. I know-- from personal experience-- that this practice is easier said than done. People who suffer from mental illness do not have the same filters- or even the same realities- that the rest of us do. It might be worth it for you to find some support and resources which deal specifically with relating/interacting with family members who suffer from bipolar disorder. You might even find a great group online. We have a garden variety of mental health disorders in my immediate and extended families (my mom has borderline personality disorder+narcissistic personality disorder-- FUN!; one sister has bipolar disorder; and my stepmom's sis does too, and that's been informative to watch). I have learned to take a lot of comments with a big grain of salt. Learning skills for keeping yourself "whole" when someone is going off on you for no rational reason other than they seem to want to destroy you-- it's a nice day when we can say "WOW! That is So Much About THEM!" and keep moving forward.
Your stepdaughter will come into an age when she's older and has more perspective and believe me, she will be enormously grateful to you for all you've done. That sort of gratitude comes with maturity, age, and objectivity. She's lucky to have you. So many kids don't get this sort of support, even in the homes of their birth parents. (I had a great stepmom too, so I know this also!:))
Best wishes.
H.
I would assume all information you are getting from all parties is inaccurate; either unconsciously inaccurate or intentionally. I guess I would just not want to react in anyway to what you are hearing or feeling in case it is off-base.
Anyhow, continue being the good and caring person you have been to your SD and bow out gracefully and quietly. Your DH and SS should go to the party will your smiling blessing. You will be doing her a huge favor by avoiding the drama that her mother MAY be trying to create.
You should wait until your SD's birthday, give her a card with a heartfelt message and a hug and then tell her you would like to celebrate her birthday in a special way. Ask if she would like to have a ladies-lunch-and-spa day with you the weekend after her birthday. Or something similar.
This is one of those situations where I would have your husband (whom I am assuming was married to her at some point, or maybe not, but they at least have the son together) go to bat for you. I am a stepmom too and while my hubby's ex does not have nearly as many issues as what you have to deal with, I've found that trying to talk to her myself about stuff with the kids only makes things worse (no matter how nice I am). I've learned to let Dad manage things and talk to her, even if it's not what I think needs to be said and I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds. I would have your husband talk to her, and make it clear that inviting everyone but you is not acceptable. Sounds like she probably does have some mental issues unfortunately, and maybe enjoys "stirring the pot" and creating drama as well. It's hard if the kids don't fully understand the situation, and you don't want to go bashing their mom to them, but the 13 year old might be able to understand better than the 5 year old. Maybe if you told the 13 year old you really want to be there for your party but for some reason her mom does not, and you are really not sure why but unless something changes, you are trying to respect her mom's wishes. It is not fair to put kids in the middle, but if the 13 year old really wants you there, maybe she should tell Mom herself if Mom is willing to listen.
Good luck, sending you strength - I know this sucks...
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Go to the B-day party just to spite the nasty mother. If she is on drugs you can get legal help in taking full custody of both kids. How terrible for the 13 yr old to be caught in the middle. At least your husband is standing behind you and the children.
If the mother won't stop her abusive behavior you will have to intervene as children raised by mentally deranged parents have multitudes of problems. Especially if the parents are on drugs or alcohol. I hope there is no tobacco use in your house as that also is a serious drug that destroys mental balance of children who breathe second hand smoke. If the mother smokes cigarettes have the children bathe as soon as they get home and wash their clothes.
From reading your post you are a very good and loving stepmother.
It takes 3 years to really bond a blended family together.
I wouldn't take everything the 15yo told you as "absolute truth", because even if it is, the mother could turn it around on her.
Simply approach her mother grown-up to grown-up.
That is what grown-ups do.
Your daughter wants you there and she is the one that matters. Talk to her saying you want to go but you will skip this one not to cause tension on her special day.
just stay out of it and do your own thing. don't let any of your kids go, and maybe talk to dh about missing out too. I sure wouldn't participate it's toxic
The bio-mom is pretty immature, isn't she? And rather jealous of you no doubt.
What does she think it proves? That by staging this grand party and excluding you she gains standing in her daughter's and everyone else's eyes?? It doesn't, She hurts everyone in this instance by trying to exclude you.
I know you're uncomfortable, but why don't you all just go to the party? If you can manage a casual comment to her (in everyone's hearing *grin*) say, "I like how you had our daughter do the invitations to the party, it made her feel so grown up." Then proceed to enjoy yourself. That way no one misses the fun and she losses this power play...because that is all it is. Maybe your graciousness will discourage her from this kind of game another time.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
i would ask your stepdaughter how she feels if your family has a separate birthday party at another time. (what kid wouldn't want TWO celebrations?)
the thing that is throwing me off is your stepson. he should go to his sister's birthday party but then shouldn't your bio son go too, since he's a sibling?
i would go for whatever makes your family feel less divided. if your bio son is ok staying home, that would probably make it all easier. then your family can celebrate together.
If your step-daughter wants you there, you should go. You should have a conversation with her and just ask her. She is old enough to tell you how she feels. Or if she agrees, maybe you can plan to do something with her seperately for her birthday. Plan it ahead though - don't just not go for the sake of the other mom.
Bio mom is extremely jealous bc u have a good relationship with the kids and u are in a happy marriage. Go on a special day trip or something u can afford for her bday. One day the kids will be old enough to realize what their mom did isn't right and they will be tired of the brainwashing and they will resent her. It may take awhile but they will remember all that u did for them and they will understand that their mom did things for the wrong reasons. Maybe one day the kids will be in a stepparent role and completely sympathize with what u have to put up with... hang in there!
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You should all make an appearence and be there for your daughter and leave when you feel its appropriate. You should still honor her birthday with your own evening out/dinner or cake etc She'll probably appreciate it anyway.
Don't go to the party and tell your husband not to go either youvneed his support on this..talk to your daughter and explain her that you' all not going but your family is going to do something especial for her another day.....she's older enough and will understand probably because she already knows her mom feelings about you......
Wow, this sounds like a chapter out of my book when I was younger. I have a step mother who raised me and a mother whom is much like the one you describe. That being said, I agree with what a lot of people have written. The most important thing is to not put your children in the middle.
It's your SD birthday, let her decide what she wants. If she wants you there then go, but only go for her and don't do anything out of the ordinary at the birthday party towards their mother. (If she really is bi-polar she will use anything to get to you.) Try not to take anything personally here, really this is about your SD. Maybe this needs to be last thing you guys do jointly.
You are doing an amazing thing just by being their step-mom. Step parents don't get enough credit. I am sure, or least I hope, their mother just feels bad because she can't provide for them like you are. Just keep doing what you are doing to build and strengthen your relationship with your SD. There are going to many many more events and its not fair to put this stress on her, SD, at each one.
Thanks again for stepping up and being a step parent, best of luck to you.
