Stepdaughter's Wedding Shower

RSVP in the same way it says on invite. Go, be polite, chat w ladies at table and smile. Be there for the bride.

Go. I always take the route of doing the proper thing and being the bigger person. Probably wont be the best day for you, just smile and be friendly.

Sounds like you have been handling everything like a champ! Good for you :) You must attend the shower. To not go would create far more drama than going ever could. Just use the same approach that has been working for you so far - smile, be polite and kind, and try to stay as invisible as possible! Use whatever form they provided for the RSVP - if they gave both phone and email, I would email a brief, but happy and excited to attend, response.

If you don't go, it will be viewed as a hostile act. You will find that there are some friendly folks in there, who are not part of the drama so far or who are not the least bit interested in it.

I had a similar situation with my stepdaughter's mother. I went to the shower, and I kid you not, there were 65 people there. I knew virtually no one. I had met a couple of the bridesmaids years before, and I knew the mother and her sister. I dressed as nicely as possible without upstaging the mother, held my head high, chatted it up with everyone about THEIR lives and generally tried to be a perfect guest. I felt I was representing my husband and creating as positive a spin as possible. A lot of people (including a therapist who had dealt with various family members) couldn't believe I had the guts and the confidence to do it - and that made me feel great afterwards.

My stepdaughter's shower was given by her aunt. It's interesting that yours is being given by her mother - that's an etiquette no-no by the way - so perhaps it is another example of her needing to be in control and needing the adoration of the public. If so, just let her have it. Be sure to say casually and sincerely to everyone there what wonderful food it is, what a wonderful room it is, what a consummate hostess the mother is, how beautiful the bride is, how much happiness you wish them, blah blah. Smile and be charming. Be in the background and not in the center of activity. Have alist of questions ahead of time to get people talking about themselves: how do you know the bride's family, have you been to the wedding venue, who's that bridesmaid over there, how are you related to the people you are sitting with, how did you ever think of that wonderful shower gift, don't you just love her china pattern (or whatever else is on her registry), and so on! Make it all about the bride and not about you or the father. People like to talk about themselves - let them.

We had a lot of issues - my stepdaughter never bothered to ask my husband to walk her down the aisle (but she really wanted it) and there was kind of a last-minute fight about that. But everyone sucked it up, and did the right thing. My stepdaughter even had an usher walk me down the aisle. She appeased her mother by extending a similar honor to the aunt (her mother's sister). So the order was: aunt, stepmother, mother of groom, mother of bride. My husband got over his anger and resentment, and took the high road, even asking his ex to dance at the reception. I took a few pictures, and said to my stepdaughter, "Look, there's one of your wedding gifts from Dad." Everyone was thrilled and smiling (okay, maybe a couple of cocktails helped!)

So my advice is for you and your husband not to go to every fight you're invited to. Let the mother be bossy and in charge (her allies will appreciate it, and those who see through her will think you and your husband are the classy ones). His ex will want to have the more elegant outfit (let her) and give the bigger or showier gift (let her). She will want to be in charge. Let her. Sit where you are told, don't offer opinions even if asked, and make this a day your stepdaughter can remember as one WITHOUT drama.

My brother married a woman whose mother was mentally ill - she threatened ahead of time to get up mid-wedding and slap my mother across the face. So we all were on edge, but my mother just took the high road and I think bride & groom gave the minister a head's up about the threat, and left the handling of this possible snafu in his hands. My parents could have issued all kinds of demands and ultimatums, but it was decided that this woman was all bluster and that her husband and her family would control her if she decided to disrupt her daughter's wedding.

Don't ask the bride what she wants you to do. You got an invitation. If you ask her if it's a sincere invitation, you question either her or her mother's motives. That presumes an ulterior motive and a lack of sincerity. RSVP however the invitation specified: phone or email. If it wasn't a formal invitation with an RSVP instruction, then I would call the hostess (NOT the bride) and either speak briefly and nicely to the mom, or leave as pleasant a message as you can "I'd be delighted to attend, thank you so much for including me, looking forward to it, bye." Don't offer to bring anything unless it's been implied. If you offer, you step on her controlling feet and imply she can't pull it off by herself. Afterwards, write a nice thank you note on a pretty note card saying what a lovely event it was, how nice the food or decor or centerpiece was, and how much you enjoyed meeting her friends. Be sincere but not overly flowery, and give her nothing to criticize.

Your stepdaughter really wants a stress-free wedding day and a relaxed wedding planning season. Make that your biggest gift to her.

Edited to add: I also gave my stepdaughter a small shower for "our side" of the family, but you can bet I invited her mother, sister and and the favorite aunt. I did not try to compete with the big shower - just made a lovely lunch and made sure the guests met and fawned over Mom as well as the bride.

Personally, I think you put your SDs feelings first and attend.
Even if its awkward.
Even if you feel alone.
If you (and your husband) want a larger role in her life, you should be there.
Good luck!

The shower is for the bride, so I guess this is one of those occasions where you "suck it up," put on your best face and go!

It's just a few hours out of your life, and even if they are miserable, at least you were THERE. It's not something you can re-do.

I would RSVP in the manner suggested on the invitation. If an email is written, then email that way.

I would go and plan to arrive slightly after some guests have arrived so you're not the first one there and have to sit alone with the mom and daughter.

Talk lightly with the others at the shower. Be cordial to the mom and sweet to the bride. Have an excuse ready in case things are just too terrible and you need to bow out early. If you have to leave, give your apologies to the bride.

I really think you should go, just know that even though it may be a very uncomfortable time, it's just a few hours out of your entire life and it will be worth it in the end.

I agree with Mom2KCK. You were invited. If you don't go, feelings could be hurt.

The shower is for the bride. If her mother invited you, it is safe to assume the bride wanted her to.

This could be her mother's way of reaching out to you. Maybe you're not destined to be great friends, but she's extending an olive branch. This is the perfect chance for you to show her that you also desire a better relationship.

RSVP, attend, put on your best friendly face, try to have a nice time. I think the payoff will be well worth the awkwardness you are currently feeling.

My mom was not always "nice" to my other mom. But my other mom is always nice to my mom.

Only recently, after almost 30 years...the two of them have become friends...actually after the grandkids showed up...they are even planning a trip together to go rock hunting or something. Things can change!

Be the bigger woman, go to the shower, alone, with your daughter. If you ever want your husband and his daughter to fix their issues you can help by sucking it up and going. Believe, his daughter will notice. And respect you for it.

If you have been invited, it means you were on the bride's list of invites. I promise you that there is NO mistake - your step DIL-to-be asked for you to be there. So GO. Smile, chit-chat, enjoy her gifts, give her a hug, and go home as soon as it's over (don't be the FIRST one out the door, however...)

You cannot make your husband's ex act better. You just can't. Your husband's daughter will at one point in her life understand that marriage is sometimes hard. It will take a long time, but just maybe at some point she will understand why her parents are divorced. That will help your relationship not be strained.

"Unfortunately she was unable to meet me in the gesture and I experienced her as hostile."

You feel this way about her, but if she was unable to meet you in the gesture she wasn't able. Period. Not necessarily hostile, that's your perception. She isn't responsible for your sadness over what transpired, we make choices about how we feel.

All that aside, this is your husband's daughter's bridal shower. Be happy for her, this is ALL about her and not you and your husband's ex. What options does the invitation give for RSVP's? Use what is offered, pick your choice if there's more than one, don't involve the bride, she doesn't deserve the stress. Focus on her and her feelings of joy. And, remember, if you choose not to go your relationship with her may become less than it already is, and she is your husband's daughter...grandchildren will likely come one day.

Base your attendance on the honored guest, not the other people. I would attend, for the SD. I would also find out if MIL or someone else you know and like will be there to chat with and sit with. I once attended a bridal shower where my DH's GF before me was also there - we had no idea, and what were we to do? Leave? We were civil and didn't talk much and it wasn't an issue. I don't look forward to family events where I know my DH's exwife will be in tow (or hosting) but if she can put down the sword long enough to invite me, I'll attend the event. Because, even if she thinks it is, it really isn't all about her. And sometimes we'll have to deal with each other.

One of DH's cousins was married about 8 years ago. I will never forget that even though her mom and grandmother got all sorts of honors - like sitting at the main table - their behavior was deplorable. The father chose to sit with his fiancee at a regular table and they did not provoke his ex in any way. They were warm and friendly to both sides of the family while her mother was being a b^&* because he was there. I decided right then that in the future I was going to be like the father and his fiancee at future events. So far it has served me well, even if I would rather eat worms than attend a graduation with BM and her mom and family sitting over my shoulder (last summer was fun, let me tell you). I don't have to be her best friend or interact with her much. But I can put my butt in a seat for the kid.

RSVP for yourself by mail or whatever the request is. And find a pretty dress and hold your head high.

I would attend. The shower is not about the bride's mother, but about the bride. The bride's mother should be on her best behavior for the shower, and I believe that guests will take your stepdaughter's lead in how they treat you especially if you go in and are kind, polite, and personable. At that point I would expect that her mother will be busy with hostess duties and you might be able to avoid direct conversation until the end when you approach her to thank her for the invitation and compliment her on throwing a beautiful shower.

This day is not about you. Bottom line. You were invited to celebrate the marriage of your husband's daughter. You attend. You purchase a beautiful gift from the registry. You smile. You even offer to help. My BIL's stepmother (with whom they have a pretty good relationship) offered to purchase the wine at my sister's shower. It was really sweet and very much an "olive branch" to his mother.

Call and RSVP. If she elects to screen your call, then leave a polite voicemail.

Not attending will ensure that you have NO relationship with the bride in the future... and will further damage her relationship with her father. Think 10 years down the road when his grandchildren are running around. You really can smile and suck it up for 3 hours.

GO! And try to suck it up and smile ('Try' being the key word ;) )

Go Stepmama and I say that one stepmom to another. I too am deferential and supportive of my daughter's mom and more times than not it is not reciprocated. I have received my fair share of snarky emails and comments but I just keep my eye on what is best for my daughter. You can do this Mama. Go with a big friendly smile and remind yourself it is just for a couple of hours. This can go along way to build a bond with the bride to be. Even if she does not show it at first, these decisions can have a real impact in the big picture.

I agree that you should go. I also agree that you should not put the step daughter on the spot and in the middle by asking her what she wants. Assume she wants you there since you were invited.

How does the invitation ask you to RSVP. Use that method.

I suggest it's time for you to let go of your hurt/anger over the mother not responding favorably to your overture. You tried. Feel good about your effort. Accept the mother as she is. Don't try to know her motivations. She wasn't able to respond to your e-mail in the way you wanted her to. It's not fair to judge her based on your expectations.

Who do you mean by everyone? I would think that there would be others in your husband's and daughter's family who would be invited. If the others you mean have been unaccepting of the mother and been vocal about it then they may not be invited. However, you've not gotten along with her mother and you're invited and so I suggest that they'll be invited for the same reason.

If you're talking about your relatives, I wouldn't be surprised that they're not invited. It sounds like your role as stepmother has not been accepted or encouraged and that your family would not be viewed as being your stepdaughter's family.

If you have a friend who is able to be calm and diplomatic putting out an attitude of acceptance I might ask if she can come with you. I'd have my husband ask, actually. I wouldn't include a relative or friend who has expressed a negative opinion that your daughter and her family have heard.

It's so unfortunate that you're having to walk on eggs. I sympathize.

I assume your daughter will be invited as well. Go together and just deal with it. It will probably suck a bit but you'll be fine. And in the end, you'll have done the right thing.

This party isn't about the daughter's mother, your husband's ex-wife, but a chance to celebrate the upcoming wedding of your Stepdaughter to the man of her dreams. If you desire a better relationship with her this would be a wonderful step in the right direction.

If you desire a better relationship with her for the future, it begins now. So you go, be gracious, be courteous, have fun, and by all means stay sweet.

The invite should indicate how to RSVP, so follow those instructions. Get her a nice gift and include a note sincerely from your heart. If it would be helpful for you to have one of your girlfriends there ask if it would be permitted for you to bring a guest and see what they say. If you can bring a guest, don't spend all of your time socializing with your guest but be friendly to everyone there.

Have fun and try to stop anticipating the worst, instead try visualizing the best and then you would be in a better mindset to have the best come to you.

I say you go. The day is about your stepdaughter, not you or her mother. Reply however the invitation indicates (if it gives phone or email as an option you can do either). I would also ask if there is anything you can do to help...make the offer sincerely and if they take you up on it, great but if not at least you tried.

As for your SD, talk to her. Let her know that you are willing to help in anyway she may need or want you to. Let her know that you know she doesn't need a mom (she has one), you would love to be her friend. Maybe even offer to take her to lunch or for mani/pedis...whatever.

If you were invited, and you can make it, you go. Not going will only cause more problems.

Go. It's not about the adults in this one, it's about the daughter. Though things are tough for your husband, the shower is for HIS daughter, not just "HER" daughter - framing things like that in your head will make things touchier, so try not to do that (hard, I know).

Just go, be polite, have some food, and make it about the celebration for your husband's girl taking a big step.

Like the others said, you are going for your SD, so you should go. Is there a neutral person that can go with you so you have someone there on your "side"? I would ask the SD if you can bring a friend if everyone else is on "team mom" just so you are not alone. And you don't have to feel obligated to stay for the whole thing either. But you definitely should go, smile at everyone, chat with a few, put in some time and be on your way. Good luck!

Great question. I think the fact you are thinking about this is good. 1. don't put the bride in the middle. She compiled the invite list so that means she included you and is either being polite or wants you there. if you call her she will say "come" to, again, be polite. 2. If you want to attend, then follow the RSVP preferences (did it say call? email?).
3. I think you should go. As the first bride in a divorced/remarried family with a lot of tension between my mom and "the other woman" This family event was a time of tension and healing and getting used to our new family. The fact my dad's wife took the time to come to the events, even though it was SOOO hard for her, meant a lot. Go ahead and make it not about you, not about the bride's mom, but about the bride and her wish to have you there. Enjoy!

Now you know how H feels. I bet many times he knew no matter how he reached out, the result would be his exes anger and negativity. What he didn't have was a choice on whether to be involved.

I think you don't have a choice right now, either. I think you should go. Knowing that no mater what you do, you will be portrayed as wrong. All you have is the knowledge that you tried to do right. Enough of trying to do the right thing and people will understand who is the difficult one.

What you need right now is courage. So scare up some and do the right thing even if it's not easy.

You mention that you wish your relationship with the future bride could be better.... well, what better way than to make a gracious, drama-free appearance at her bridal shower (to which she invited you).

And everything Diane B. says is spot on! Definitely follow her advice!

I'd go and take the high road. Let her have her wonderful day. Be in the background and help out in any way you can. Go for even a little bit.

On the other hand is everyone from dad's side coming to this shower? Or is it a shower for mom's side of the family? I had a couple of showers when I got married to my first hubby. His family threw us one then my family did a bridal shower.

If the bride is willing why not see if dad has any relatives that don't really want to go to this one you're invited to and do a different style shower for the couple.

If the mom is doing a wedding shower then do a bridal shower for the girl. Wedding showers are nice but sort of boring in my thoughts. It's a lot more fun and girly to do a bridal shower with all the lingerie and fun stuff for the new bride.

So consider having a second shower for the bride only, a bridal shower that would leave the mom out since it's only for dads side of the family and the girls few selected friends.

Personally I hate showers and avoid them like the plauge. Let her know you have family obligations or work obligations that day and get her a gift. You will be going to the wedding anyway, so its not like you will be missing anything.

This is a party for your husbands daughter. Buy a nice gift and go. Sit where they put you and keep all conversation about your stepdaughter. not about anything connected with the mother. and if you need to fabricate a reason to leave early then leave early. but don't skip it because you have issues with the mother.

forgot to add also. maybe if your not comfortable going to a shower give by the mother maybe you should step up and have a shower for your side of the family. if you have been married to this man for a number of years then your family should be planning to celebrate this wedding as well. have your own shower and then you can be in control of it. it would be a nice gesture.

Hi K.,
Take the high road and attend. RSVP whichever way you like, but don't ruin the relationship you have with your step-daughter. At best you'll have a good time or at worst you will come, give a gift, suffer an hour and say you have to leave and thank them for the invitation. Keep the peace, it'll serve you best in the future.

Of course you need to attend, and RSVP via whatever channel the invitation indicates. If the invitation mentions both e-mail and phone, choose whatever channel you're most comfortable with. If I were you, my RSVP would include an offer to help with anything the host may need an extra hand with.

I would assume that the invite is just for you as a wedding shower is usually just the ladies.

If it were me, I would attend and represent that side of the family. Sit at the end of the table away from the Mom. If you go in with class, and a smile on your face, no snide comments about this, that or the past, then any drama that may unfold will be bad light for the Mom, not you.

Enjoy that moment, for that period of time. Everything else is irrelevant for that day.

I do not put myself in awkward social situations. Tell the SD that you feel it is her mom's day to shine as mother of the bride. Stay home.

i would assume the bride./your step daughter is already aware you're invited so it would be an insult to not go

First, ask what the bride wants. If she isn't ecstatic and insistent that you come, politely decline. You mention not everyone is invited. What about you hosting a shower that includes those that weren't invited?

ugh. sorry for this tense situation.
go. paste a smile on your face, have your psychic shields up and active, be utterly courteous and charming, and escape as soon as you can politely do so. then give yourself a good treat. a massage and a hot fudge sundae come to mind.
khairete
S.