Step Son with Deceased Mother, God Forbid - Would I Get Legal Custody?

I was adopted by my step dad years ago in AZ and yes they did issue a new birth certificate. My town of birth and state and everything else stayed the same but my dad was listed as my step dad in the dad field. When your adopted the other parent basically ceases to exist on paper. When a child is a minor it closes any public record that pertained to that child with that parents info. I for one have a Step son and his mom passed away two yrs ago this coming may. We have such a strong relationship and I plan on adopting him. His Grandma basically told me two days ago that she will fight me for him. I can't see another mom being taken from him. My husband says he wants him to stay with me. I know that if I don't adopt him there will not be anything I can do about it if God forbid something happens. I know my mother in law will fight me for him. I will fight for him to no end. I just want the peace of mind for my son and myself.

I lost my sister to breast cancer a few years ago and she had two young sons, 5 and 3. Obviously the children stayed with her husband (their father) after she passed. Then tragically HE passed away just over a year later, leaving the boys parentless. While my sister was alive, they made up a will choosing who would raise them, like most people do without really expecting them to lose both parents. Before my brother-in-law died, he got into an argument with his brother and sister-in-law who had been named as the guardians, so he went to his attorney and changed it. No one in the family wanted the boys to live with his new choice, but the will and custody question was iron-clad, giving the others (really another brother who consistently makes bad choices) custody. So, my advice would be to have you designated in the will...especially with social security benefits being an issue. I think it is so wonderful how you all still celebrate his mother...probably one of the many reasons you two have such a great relationship!
God Bless...and God Forbid!!

You should talk to a licensed social worker. We used Oasis,866-579-5578, so you might give them a call. If, in the future, you were to become sole parent you would want/need something stating you are the parent. You'd need this for medical reasons, for school registration, etc. At that point you would perhaps need to have a BC with you listed as parent.

Ask the social worker if you could show the adoption papers for all these things instead of having to use a new BC. Also, ask if the new BC necessarily makes the old one void, or could he just have 2 legal BCs that are both valid?

Other questions to consider... if you were sole parent, would your son necessarily want to use adoption papers for all those things and thus have people always asking questions about his being adopted? He may not want that revealed to everyone. Also, if he were in the hospital and you had to make medical decisions, would they readily accept the adoption papers, or would it just be easier to show the BC?

Just some things to consider. Our situation is different since our son is adopted from another country, but I do know that when people encounter those adoption papers, they are often reluctant to accept it as "proof" simply because they are unfamiliar to them. Our son's original BC isn't in English, so that poses problems as well. You might find that it would be easier, from a legal standpoint, to just have that BC with your name on it.

I'd get numerous legal copies of the original BC for him to have and keep before doing the adoption. Then, you two can have a talk about why there is a need for another BC and that it doesn't take away from his mother's place in his life, that he has 2 mothers.

Call Oasis or another SW... I bet you can get most of your questions answered on the phone. You are smart to be considering this and taking care of the legal things. Even if nothing happens to your husband, you need to be able to make legal and medical decisions if your husband was away or something. Good Luck!

PS - Marie, I know it sounds weird, but you do indeed get a birth certificate. Our new one lists me and my husband as parents, but still lists his foreign town and country as place of birth. Without this, you DO/WILL have people questioning if you are the parent and whether you can make decisions on his behalf.

Even though your husband writing a will is a good idea... if you're thinking of all the "what-ifs"... What if you husband and son were in an accident and your husband was not conscious? Would the hospital still let you make decisions about your son? You'd encounter the same issue if your husband was traveling and your son needed surgery. Would they accept your decision or need a "family" member? Not to be morbid, just trying to cover all the possible scenarios.

Having you named as legal guardian sounds like a good idea. Maybe that would cover all the legal and medical "what-ifs" and also make you able to make decisions regarding your son while your husband is alive and well! You are smart to deal with this now and not when there is a crisis. :)

I am not a lawyer or anything but I would suggest adopting him. You could get a copy of the original birth certificate before the adoption goes through. It is just a piece of paper. What is more important is how you live everyday. It sounds like the birth mom is still very much apart of his life due to your actions. He is 11, you should be able to sit him down and explain things truthfully. You can tell him your motivation of love and only love, not replacement. Just explain to him that you never want to be apart from him and this is what needs to be done leagally to make that happen. I don't know your son, but he is probably mature enough to handle this. Good luck and good for you for being such a dedicated mom!

I don't know that much about it but my husband and I recently had a will made up and part of that process was listing who we would want to care for our son if something would happen to both of us. I really think it could be as easy as getting a will made and listing you as the gaurdian if your husband were to pass away.

Hi J..

You obviously have a wonderful heart and, no matter what, you would want only the best for your "son". I have worked in the legal field for nearly 20 years; though not in the adoption arena. I have never heard of anyone "re-issuing" a birth certificate. I'm not sure where that information came from, but that seems really crazy. I know an adoption attorney and I'll drop him an email and ask what would be required and let you know. With you being married to the biological father and the biological mother deceased, it would "make sense" that with the father's signature, you could legally adopt this boy. I'll let you know what I find out.

M.

Well, I'm no expert but having to change the "birth mother" on the birth certificate sound like misinformation to me. My husband and I are pursuing an adoption from Africa and, while we are still rather early in the process, I hardly think that my child's certificate will ever list me as his "birth mother"...that would actually be quite funny considering our rather dramatic racial differences.

I would look into a more reliable source of information. A social worker, for example...or an adoption attorney.

Either way, I think your son sees you as his mother and making it "official" through adoption can only further cement your relationship with him. And I don't think it dishonors his birth mother in the least! I mean, if something ever happened to me and my husband remarried a wonderful woman who loved my kids...I would definitely want her to adopt them.

I grew up in a similar situation. I had a "sister" that joined our family because of deaths in her family. So, my parents became her legal guardian and it still made her feel like she was a part of our family, in every sense of the word. Good luck and I so respect your position on this situation. A.

Yes. My husband's 1st wife died and I married him and raised his/ my two-year-old son. One of the first things we did was to have my husband draw up a will that gave me custody of his son. As with your family, we celebrated her and talked about her, so we didn't want to have an adoption, either. There is another advantage to that, too. Your step-son may be elibible for social security death benefits from his mother until he is 18. Mine was, though we didn't know about it for eight years after her death, and they only go back six months. Anyway, "my" son and I are still close and I am Nana to his three children. Good for you!

J. - first let me just say that you are a very compassionate and caring mother - and I am just so humbled by how much you love your "son". And you are very responsible and practical, thinking about the "what if's" now, instead of when they happen -- always best to figure it out ahead of time!

My advice would be to speak with a lawyer - I would think that it may be as simple as your husband drawing up a will, and the will stating that you would be his guardian. I know that doesn't make you his "parent" should something ever happen, but it should ensure that you retain custody and the right to make decisions, etc. I know there are a lot of lawyers out there that don't charge much to draw up a will - I would give them a call. Hope that helps!