Step - Mom Needs Help with Husband

Divorce is never easy on anybody involved. Maybe the best way to get through to your husband is to make him see what kind of relationship he is creating with his son. Ask your husband to envision his life in 20 years. Does he see his son visiting for holidays, etc with his family? Does he see spending lots of time with his grandkids? If so, he's not rasing his son with the end in mind. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my dad is great--but I feel that he never really made me or my brother a priority when we were younger and even now. So now I don't make him one (sadly). I don't make huge attempts to try to visit him and my kids only see him a couple times a year (he lives far away and when he comes to visit it usually coincides with a business trip). Good luck.

And also, if your hubby thinks ADHD "is his environment"--remind him that he his part of his son's environment.

You sound like a great step mom. My ex is a much better dad because of his wife's influence, and I do think that you are the only one who can really bring this up with your husband, because coming from his ex wife, it will just sound like nagging to him.

I would recommend talking to your husband about the issue and saying how much his son needs HIM right now- not another buddy, like your son, not even his step dad, although if they get along, that's great. He needs and misses his DAD and as the grown-up, your husband needs to understand this and take charge.

Suggest some things that they can go and do, just the two of them together for the next time your step son is around. Does your husband fish? Fishing is a great and quiet way for some 'bonding' to take place. Or maybe just go play catch or for a bike ride or a hike- anything where it enables them to hang out and also TALK to each other.

If there are specific concerns about your step son's behavior, from either you or his 'other' family, is your husband aware of them? Make sure he understands that YOU are also concerned about them, so he doesn't just think his ex is being difficult, and so he cannot blame it on the stepdad, etc. He needs to know that there are real concerns and that ALL of you feel the same about it.

My fiance, my ex and his wife and I have all met more than once with a professional mediator to work out specific issues and parts of our parenting agreement. It is cheaper than going to a lawyer over things ( we split the cost) and it really lets everyone speak their minds, but with an unbiased person to keep things civil. It has helped us all A LOT to get us on the same page on different issues.

It's so important that the adults in this boy's life present a united front when it comes to his behavior and well-being. But his dad needs to realize that he needs to step up and be responsible. Good luck!!

You are right that your husband should spend more quality time with his son but have learned over the years you can not make someone do something they do think is important. The only thing you can try to do is try to get your husband to schedule some activities that are for just the 2 of them. Otherwise it is really up to your husband to "want to" spend the one-on-one time with his son.

I think the suggestions you've received are excellent. I agree that they need to spend more time together and maybe a way to do this is to help create the time for the 2 of them. Perhaps get them tickets to go to a sporting event for Christmas or suggest they join a fantasty football league together. My step-sons and my husband do football picks every week and then the guys watch football every Sunday to see who won the week. The person with the most wins for the week gets something, like "braging rights," or maybe one treats the other to icecream or a movie. We of course pay for everything but it's just the time spent together that it creates. And it's fun. My step-sons are 18 and 14 and they love doing this. The 18 year-old is in college now so he's not too into it anymore but when he's home for the weekend, he still participates. So it's one of those things they will probably continue to do through their lives just for fun. Maybe you can come up with something like that. Another suggestion is that my guys love UFC. Everytime there's a big fight, they all meet at a Buffalo Wild Wings and watch the fight, talk about girls, whatever. I don't go because I want it to be their time. There has got to be some kind of common ground that they can find. I don't think he needs to be entertaining him all the time but the person who made the comment about him being part of his environment is right on. Being a parent is more than just telling him what to do. It's about fostering a relationship and as the parent, he's the one responsible for doing it.

I have a similar situation- my husband has a 10 year old boy and I have a 10 and 8 year old- so my husband feels like picking up his son and bringing him here fulfills his obligations. There were even weekends he worked and his son was here all weekend with me and my boys! I finally told him that his ex-wife doesn't send his son here to spend time with me and my kids, she does it so he can see his dad. We still struggle with the issue but now I encourage him to stop for fast food lunch with his son when he picks him up, hoping this encourages conversation, or I will "by accident" schedule my boys to go over to their dads the same weekend my step-son is coming over and this also forces him to be more involved and spend time playing with him or even watching tv together. Good luck!

What kind of relationship does or did your husband have with his father? He may not know how to relate to a teenager based on the example he was given as a child. I agree with some of the other posts on here about buying them tickets to sporting events & setting up some fun stuff for them to do together. It may take a while but don't give up, keep encouraging him to do things with his son. Does your ex-husband do things with your son? You could use this as an example.

It's great that you are big-hearted enough to realize that he should be giving extra attention to his son. Maybe you could buy 2 tickets to a game, or movie passes for them? Encourage your husband to get involved with him at school.

I dont have any advice, but I agree with you that your hubby should be doing more with his own son. Especially if the boy is a handful for the mom & step dad. Boys need their fathers especially at 13. There is a book called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. My friend is reading it & is going to pass it on to me, but my point is perhaps there is a similar book about the importance of a fathers role in their sons life. Thank you for being one of those step moms that are encouraging the husband to spend more time with their children :)

Hey R.. All I can say is keep telling him how important it is to spend one on one time with his son. Many fathers think ADHD isn't real and all they need is a firm hand and punishment and they will get better. Maybe having his son actually ask for some one on one time would help. Does his childs mother say anything to him about it. Since your husband thinks it's the environment maybe start a conversation with how can we improve his environment so that yur son will be successful. That's all I have hope it helps some.

Hi mom you are right your husband do need to spend more time with his son and your husband is also right there is nothing wrong with the son and the reason why I say this is the father knows what his son needs and its him and he is not welling to give himself. they said the same thing about my son that he was ADHD and he was not he needed his father my son was jealous of the other children getting all the attention from the father also being angry with the mother for not being with the father and just confuse about the whole issue and thinking he (son) is the problem.What you guy need to do is move the son in, that would make it easy on every one, well think about it good luck