Step-mother Issue

Look, I cant stand my stepmother and my father insists she be at everything and I just put up with it, including her saying "come to nana" and I just say go see insert her name here. Really I think a little bit of tolerence is needed but that is just me.

I'd say we're a package deal. If I'm not welcome, than neither are my children. I think there's a big difference between being principled and being childish, and you are definitely the former.

Yes, I also thinking you're stooping to her level. Be better than her and let go of the drama. I understand being angry with her and not wanting your boys go but I also strongly urge you to let go of this tit for tat merry-go-round. You might even find that when you let go, she will eventually do so too. Let the boys go for your father's sake.

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if I read this post right you were mean to her first. you hurt her and she is just protecting her heart. she doesnt want to get close to your kids in fear of getting hurt again. I think you need to reevaluate. why keep punishing her??

Don't use your children as leverage. They are going to see their grandfather, who you say is great to your kids and close to your husband,and she just happens to live there too. It will be a good opportunity to show your children how to be the bigger person. It's also a way of showing your dad you are putting him and his relationship with your children first; you are going beyond the pettiness. He is no doubt torn over the family drama. What's done is done, I wouldn't go stirring the pot. Who knows, maybe this is a small step in the direction of making peace.

Do it for your dad. Your stepmother sounds horrible but your kids deserve the great relationship they're building with their grandpa. In the long run this is the relationship they will remember and value. When they are older, they will appreciate that you let it happen.

Let them go with your husband. Be the bigger person. Maybe then she
will see the light and see what she is missing. Good luck.

Your children are not you. Don't involve them in your bad feelings for that woman. If she (and anyone else) is good to them and the house is a happy place when the kids are around, that's what's important. I would not mix the children with hard feelings between you and that woman. It's good for kids to go at granspa's house and feel, welcome, loved and wanted...don't give them the impression that because of you they are going to (or deserve) to have the same treatment. She is iìentitled to her opinion and so are you. But what do the kids have got to do with it?

Look, you don't like her or want to be around her, or vice versa, but she does talk to your husband and you have a great relationship with your dad.
You have to work so it seems if your husband wants to go over while you do that it wouldn't be so bad. I understand you might feel a little betrayed, but it's not like SHE said, come over and DON'T bring your wife. At least not in this instance. You aren't available.
You have a right to your feelings, but maybe this is a bridge that can begin being built. She's had no relationship with your kids or even seen your second son. Maybe this is the start of changing things because as you said yourself, her behavior has hurt your father. If she does what's been typical and leaves when your husband and kids are there, what is the harm done? Your husband and boys will spend time with your dad, which you are fine with.
It might not be as bad as you think, is all I'm saying and 3 years is a long time not to see or speak to someone you're related to whether either of you like it or not.
If you truly can't stand her, then be glad you're not going.
If you truly hope you can mend some fences, maybe let your husband reach out and try to arrange a time you can all visit.

I have lost so many people recently, in fact, I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. Sometimes life is too short for things that start out on the wrong foot to just get dragged out. Especially where family is concerned.
I can't say I exactly adored my step mother and she did things that really ticked me off, but I most definitely tolerated her for my dad's sake. He was married to her way longer than he was married to my own mother and I tried to keep my feelings about her irritating behavior to myself out of love for my dad. You find ways around things. I never, ever would have kept my kids from my father because of my step mother. She actually was thoughtful toward my children. She would not have harmed them for a second.

I think you should let the kids go and like I said, if she leaves, what difference does it make? But, maybe there could be an olive branch involved in this scenario somehow.
That wouldn't be such a bad thing.

This is just my opinion and I really wish you the best and hope you can find a way to work this out so you are all happy.

I agree with you. Your dad can come over and see your kids. She doesn't give a rat's ase about your kids, she's never even met your youngest and only talks to your husband, and hasn't seen you in years. I would remain open to her coming over for holidays birthdays and such and treat her kindly if she ever does show, but if she can't even make an appearance for things like that, then she can continue to be a blackhole in the kids lives.

Perhaps, if you really did give her hell and she is holding on to major grudges, then you can let it slide and let the kids go and have a relationship with her so the strained relationship won't be passed down as their burden. Maybe a woman to woman conversation with apologies on both sides and a plan on how to make things move forward together and start fresh with each other so that these situations don't happen again would be very helpful to everyone.

keep the kids out of it.
you are honest and forthright in admitting that you have contributed to the hard feelings. good for you.
it's not a matter of whether or not she 'deserves' it. let's hope neither of you get what you actually 'deserve' from your past behavior.
what you're looking at now is how to model adult, respectful behavior for your kids so they don't grow up to behave the way your or your stepmother have. let the boys go, and be happy that your dad is getting to experience the joy of this event.
khairete
S. (who was vile to her stepmother and now adores her)

Let them go, the only person that is hurt and pissed off is you....
You need to let it go, sure she's a biatch and an immature shrew, but your dad likes her for some odd reason. You are assuming your stepmom has decided not to see any of you anymore just because your dad gave your brother some money one time? I don't get that and are you sure about the facts? You are now a grown woman with a family of your own, would it not be better for you to put a smile on your face and invade her space now and then with your hubby and kids? You have every right to visit your dad and I really doubt he would come to the door and tell you that you cant come in, and I doubt when faced with it your stepmom wouldnt say "go away" either.
Your bottled up emotions on this and all the time that has gone by has just created an ugly monster of the situation. One should never give someone else that much control or power over them..... why are you giving stepmom all that power? Take it back Chickie!

I would let this one go. It's not like your children will be there every time you have to work and this is good for grandpa, if she wants to be there, cool, if she wants to leave, that's cool too. As long as she doesn't hurt or make your children uncomfortable, she is still your dad's partner, and I think it might even open her to you.
If I were you, I would let them go, hope they have a good time. Try to be the bigger person ( I know easier said than done) but do it for you, not for her, because it will make YOU a better person, and because it will make both YOUR children and YOUR dad happy.
Good Luck!

Your punishing your kids and your dad because of the resentment you harbor towards your step mom. Your stepmom is a childish brat and your father lets her act this way, so there is really nothing you can do about it.

Chances are, she'll leave when they come over, since she only wants to see your husband. I don't see any harm in going over there, it is just you, not wanting her to see your kids, when she hasn't put any effort into wanting to see them.

I understand your feelings, but more than likely, she'll be out shoppong, making your fathers pockets a little less deep! Be a bigger person than her! :)

You write "Now I believe she has her reasons for being angry with me and my brothers, but the only O. she is hurting is my dad with this behavior. "

Keeping the kids away from your dad's house is YOU doing just that--hurting your dad.

Consider this as opening a door to a new beginning. Be happy that you have a husband that is doing his best to make ammends as well. Maybe once she sees that you have a great husband and lovely kids, she will realize you are a good mother and deserve a second chance. This is a blessing in disguise.

I also think you should let it go. The only thing you need to make sure of, is that your children are safe when they go visit your dad and your step-mom. What I mean by safe is, just make sure she is not mean to them, or anything like that. Make sure there are no arguments or fights in their presence. I think is great that your Dad is such a good grand-pa! I also think is great your Dad and your Hubby get along so well. We have to count our blessings and let go of old grudges beacause the only ones hurting, are ourselves!

Talk to your dad and tell him how you feel. Explain all of it to him and ask that he reconcile it with his wife. And let him know that if she wishes to talk to you about why she is treating you the way she is, you are willing to listen. And do listen with an open heart and an open mind, without getting defensive. You can't really listen to her if you are thinking up your excuses and justifying your actions with her. The same goes with her but you can't control her; you can only control you.

You have made good with your father but maybe you also go a step further and possibly make good with her as well. Maybe she has a legitimate reason to be upset with you, or maybe she doesn't, but you owe it to yourself and your family to at least try to work this if at all possible. If she is unwilling or doesn't have a good explanation for why she has been behaving the way she has behaving, then at least you will know for sure and you can stop expecting her to be something that she is incapable of being.

Hope this helps.

I would not want my children around her because I would be afraid of her disrespecting me to them. Your dad needs to have a serious sit down with his wife, she should not be treating his children this way, even if you are now adults.

Ask your husband to invite your dad over to visit him and the kids.

I would have a heart to heart with her. Whatever you did as children, you were children and should be an adult and realize this. Now, if she is upset with you over something that occurred while you were an adult, that is different but you should still be able to work through it. Besides, if this falling out occured because of the issue of your brother asking for money, that was him and not you. It also sounds like your dad should talk to her. This really isn't fair to him.

I would try to have that talk with her asap. I understand how you feel but children need and deserve as much love and support as they can get so if she is willing to have a relationship with them it is isn't right to keep them away (unless you fear they will be harmed in some way). Show her you can be the better person and put those you love ahead of yourself. Maybe it will help her do the same.

All's I can say is this is just another trial that divorce and creating step parents causes. People bring children into a family then screw everything up, and who pays for it? the children and grandchildren. I pray things get better for you. You don;t want your boys somewhere that may not be good for them, you must have your reasons for not wanting your boys to go over, go with your mothher intuition. J.

Sorry but I am going to go the other route, I am with you on this one. When you marry a man with children you need to accept all of the consequences that come along with it. She is being the child here and she is hurting her husband, not you. You and your brother made mistakes, you were growing up and as you said went through a bitter divorce. If this woman wanted a perfect life, without any troubles with children, then she shouldn't have married a divorced man with children. I just wanted to justify your feelings, because I have been through the wicked stepmother thing, in fact I had two of them, lol!!!! I think it is disrespectful of her to talk to your husband and not you, and I think your husband should show his loyalty to you as your dad does to his wife, by not asking her to give it up and see his daughter and grandchildren. Your father has accepted her decision now your husband should stand by you. Did you apologize to her for whatever it is you did? If you did and she can't move on then I do not think your husband should bring your children into HER home. I think your dad should just come to your house. Just as she made a stand, you can too!!! Sorry, but I don't think standing up for yourself is stooping to her level. This woman leaves her home when you come, but yet your husband is welcome, she is the childish one here in my opinion. You and your husband are a team. How can she not want to be around you but she will be around him? She has never made an effort to see your second child!! What kind of woman is that??? This is an innocent child who should not have been brought into any of this. As I said I have been on this side of the fence and I know how upsetting it can be. You can be the bigger person if it will help mend things but I do understand if you choose not too. Good luck!!