So in a nut shell with out the 30 year story, My stepmom and dad have pretty much alienated themselves to my sister and my sister can not stand them at all. My step mom was not really the best role model and my dad does not have a back bone to stand up to her when needed. It is all about her family and her grandkids and me and my sister are leftovers. So my sister just got to the point that she does not want anything to do with them 30 years ago and still does not...and my dad and sister have no relationship whats so ever. My step mom and sister have absolutly no relationship. But my sister has kids and my dad and his wife want to be apart of their lives which is very hard. Anyway, I have been caught in the middle of it all. I just kind of stay out of it and not get in everyone's way. There has been times where I am in the middle and both pretty much pulling me to take sides. I defend my sister a lot, but sometimes I feel she is un-grateful for that. I just don't want to be apart of it all.
So recently, my step mom demanded that I don't say a single word to my sister about her or anyone in her family. She wants me to completely keep all information to myself that is ever shared. She wants no one in that family to know where they live if they moved, what they are doing or if someone is sick or if someone died....she wants my sister to know NOTHING. Is that a decent thing to ask of me ? Is it my job to keep everyone happy and in tact of not knowing information ? This seems like a huge thing to live up too for the next 30 years. It is not like I call my sister and share gossip, I really don't. But if they don't want me to talk about things here and there in casual converstaion...isn't that a little immature ? How do I respond to this nasty email about never speaking a word to my sister about anyone on that side of the family but that I am welcome to share about her kids to my step mom if I want too..............seems like it is not fair to put me in this place.
To be short and blunt, stuff her.
You do what you please.
It sounds messy. I had an evil step mother once.
Tell her to please grow up a bit and leave you out of their petty woes.
I'd tell your stepmom that you cant promise her anything, and if there are secrets that she doesnt want your sister to know about then she probably shouldnt tell them to you.
Tell her you appreciate that she wants her privacy from your sister but it's just a little bit ridiculous to put you in the middle of a pit like that.
I think its very immature and rude of your step mom.
Family doesnt need to be all up each others butts knowing everything that goes on with each other all the time, it causes way too much drama.
Let your stepmom vent to her own friends, she should not be doing this "favoritism" thing with you, it's almost evil.
My response to that email would be NO RESPONSE!!! Act like you didn't even get it...just keep doing what you are doing. Your stepmother is wrong to ask you to treat your own sister badly just because the two of them cannot get along.
I know that a combined family can have a lot of different dynamics to it but it sounds to me like your sister and your step mom have taken it to a whole new level!!
I had a similar problem when my parents got divorced. I was 22 and had 2 younger siblings. My parents started playing those games where they would spill their guts to me and then expect me to keep everything a secret. I finally told everyone Im not in the middle of this, I will not lie to anyone if Im asked a question and if you don't want certain information shared then dont tell me. They still talk to me about things but I dont have to carry the burden of knowing secret information. This def isn't fair to put you in this situation. Plus if your sister doesnt speak to them then how would they know if she knows anything or not. Dont let them put their burden on you!
Sounds like they are are very immature. You should tell them all something along the lines of the following "I love you dearly and you are my family. I am not in the middle of your arguement/conflict, nor do I want to be. If you don't want to act like adults, please do not expect me to do the same".
Families that don't get along still know when each other are ill or have passed.
It's not fair and truthfully, they all sound incredibly immature. Having said that, your role here is to do nothing b/c it's not your battle to fight.
I would not respond to the email, aside from a quick response- "This is not my battle to fight. You are all my family and I'm not getting in the middle".
I would not share information with your sister unless she specifically asks and then I would be very general and I would not share information with your father and step mother beyond "they are doing well, thanks for asking."
You don't need to make everyone happy, but you do need to get yourself out of the middle of this.
Sounds like your sister made the right decision!! I wouldn't want my kid around that kind of crazy. Step mother can't control you and you do not owe her a response the nasty e-mail.
I would say, first, that I'm sorry you're in such a position. Life is stressful enough without having to deal with the crazy people in our families. But they always seem to be there...adding way too much drama to life.
I would say that you should tell your stepmother that her relationship with your sister is between the two of them, and you cannot be involved with it in any way. And that's it. Don't make the response too long or complicated, just keep it simple, because you are right--it is wrong for her to bring you in the middle of their fighting. If you feel one of them is trying to goad you into taking sides, be firm and say that you are not a part of their fighting. I know that it's easier said than done, but you cannot keep putting yourself in the middle of all of this. It's not fair to you at all. You are not their referee. Just have your relationship with your sister, and have your relationship with your stepmom, and keep them separate-don't take sides. Good luck!
She can't order you around. Your a grown woman! You really don't owe stepmom or anyone else an apology or explaination of how you do things. If you want to share something with your sister, do- if you don't, don't. But don't let her pressure you to do it her way because of her relationship with your sister. Tell them both you refuse to be in the middle and not to involve you at all. If they have problems, they need to work it out between them-----leave you out of it and you won't be covering or sheltering anyone either!
GL~
M
Wow. Is your stepmother 12? LOL
That's an unfair thing for her to ask you to do.
Here are two options you could do:
1. Tell her that when your dad tells you that same request you'll honor it.
2. Tell her not to tell you anything you're not free to share with anyone you choose.
To answer your specific questions, IMO, No, Hell no, Yes and see above!
You need to get your Dad and sister together WITHOUT step-mom. Step mom is way out of control. Your dad needs to see he has a right to have a relationship with his daughters and grandchildren, without step-mom.
My aunt (uncle's 2nd wife) was like this, his daughters were not allowed to have a picture of their Mom (1st wife) in their homes if step mom came to visit.
Pure BS-- you are HIS daughters and he has a right to have a relationship with you and his grandchildren and if she doesn't like it too bad.
Time someone told her if she didn't want the package deal she shouldn't have married a man with children.
My response would be that I would tell my step mother that you aren't in agreement with her request to keep everything from your sister. You tell her that their issues are between them, and that her request puts you right in the middle by asking you to keep secrets from your own sister about your own father. Tell her that regardless of what happens between your sister and stepmom, that she will always be your sister and you will always work on keeping an open and honest relationship with your sister as all sisters should, so if there is ever anything that she doesn't want your sister to know, that she shouldn't tell you. Don't just ignore the request, that accomplishes nothing. your stepmother needs to know how she is affecting you if you want it to stop.
This sounds like my life too. Your sister has her reasons for not wanting to be a part of this family. That's her choice. Your step-mom sounds like a not so nice person. I'm sorry to say that, and it's probably not my place, but to ask you to refrain information from your own flesh and blood sibling is a down right cruel thing to do. Tell your step-mom to stay out of your sisters life as well. Tell her not to try too hard either and to give sister her space.
Your dad sounds like my dad, a real pushover. He'll never change. My father told me last year, I can't go against your mom because she'll stand by me and help me if I get sick. Makes sense when old age comes your way. Can you take a break from your dad and step-mom? Keep the distance and keep the peace. Also, definitely do what Kansas mom told you. It's the best advice ever.
Hope this helps.
Good luck.
In this situation I think the best response is no response. Who is she to dictate your life and who you allow in it? I would continue to have a relationship with your sis and your dad/stepmom on your terms. If they want to impose restrictions and then hold it against you when you don't comply, then that is their choice. Do not respond to that email, if you do I have a feeling it will be used against you either way. If you feel it necessary to address the situation, do it in person and do it calmly and matter-of-fact like. Tell everyone you love them and you will continue your relationship with them, their relationship with eachother is just that: theirs to decide how they want to pursue it(or not). If they hold it against you for not picking sides then thats on them. You know then, you have done nothing to encourage/participate in such immature behavior.
keep staying out of it it is their war not yours and once she is dead she has no say in who you contact. its not like she will rise up and yell at you. :) dont respond to the email you didnt get it. if you know what i mean and quit taking up for your sister she is a big girl and can fight her own fights.
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If i was you I would tell your stepmother not to tell you anything she does not want your sister to know. Let her know that her issues with your sister are not your issues with your sister. Tell her you will not lie if you are asked a direct question. If you have a husband and children of your own, just concertrate on them and don't let yourself get pulled into foolishness. Lifes is to short for family members to be at odds with each other, it;s childish, I would just wash my hands of the whole mess, if your sister and mom stepmom don't get along then they need to work it out themselves their both adults. If that part of the family is ok with you, then be ok with them but I would not get involved in their issuse between eachother. J.
You're right - they're all being immature. They need to be polite, but of course, they won't. Do what you think is right. If your Smom wants nothing to do with your sis, then she doesn't get to HEAR about them either. She can't have her cake and eat it too. And tell her you love your family but you don't want to be caught in their drama. Avoid the e-mail stuff as much as you can. A lot of tone of voice and stuff gets lost in the translation and things can get really stupid really fast. Good luck and sorry they've put you in such a spot.
Tell your Step Mother to grow up and own the responsibility of the tear she caused your Father's side of the family.
It is not fair and I'd ignore her email about not discussing info with your sister.
Forward your stepmom's email to your dad. If he doesn't have a separate email from her then mail it to his office. If your dad wants to establish a relationship with your sister that's up to them. You should not be providing information to your step-mom regarding your sister's family, she made it none of her business. Would you want her to do that to you? Whatever you tell your sister about her dad (and his new family) is up to you.. if she asks. Best to stick to the facts only though.
I would love it if I could get my MIL to stop sharing our business with the nuts in the familiy who we don't want to associate with. We tell her "We don't care what the child molestor is doing. He is never going to be in our lives!"
It is not fair for you to be in the middle, but if your sister has no contact with them why would she want to know their business?
It seems like a great idea to me. I feel badly for you because you are hurting.
