My question is for my sister. She's been with the same guy for a few years now. Well, it's getting a lot more serious and they moved in together. They are engaged to be married with a baby on the way. My sister has a 4 year old son from a previous relationship. Anyways, her boyfriends 16 year old daughter moved in with them because she's having issues with her mother. Now my sister, who is pregnant, is starting to have some issues with the step daughter. The step daughter is staying up until 2am on school nights watching tv, on the phone while she's on the computer. My sister wants her to go to bed at a decent hour on school nights. Another thing is the step daughter is bringing people over to their house for long periods of time and leaving messes for my sister to clean up. These are the only major issues. The dad doesn't want to deal with these disciplining issues because he's always "tired" when he comes home from work. What should my sister do? I didn't have any good ideas for her so anything everyone has to say will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
If she's going to marry this guy, the daughter will be in her life, so, her house, her rules. If SD wants dinner, money, TV time, computer time and other special priveleges, she needs to communicate, act responsible and step up. If hubby would step up that would be great also.
Having been a horrible step daughter I can answer more from her angle. We had the same problem my dad wussed out and my step mom was stuck trying to tame me. I often said "you can't tell me what to do, your not my mom!" When I was that age I thought why is she being such a b8thc?? My dad's way cool. She is jealous of my dad's and I relationship, she wants me to look bad in front of my dad...Now that I'm older I realize what the deal was. I resented him for dumping me on my step mom. My mom and I already had it out and she "dumped" me on my dad now he's doing it too! My mom wanted me gone...my dad had a new wife and baby on the way...I felt no one "wanted" me. Step mom will not be able to discipline her..trust me!! Have step mom tell dad look I love her but she is not my biological daughter and she knows it....if you are not going to step up then we need to make arrangements for her to go back to her mother's house. Have him read this if you want...I lost so much respect for my dad...24 years later still haven't gained it all back. Good Luck!
It's not your sister's job to discipline her boyfriend's daughter. Telling her when to go to bed, etc., is just asking for trouble. That's her boyfriend's job, and none of her business. At 16, this girl doesn't need another mother, and she won't react well to having one forced on her.
However, the having people over and leaving messes is your sister's business because it interferes with her life and her home. She needs to put her foot down with her boyfriend, and inform him she will not be cleaning up after his teenage daughter and that overnight house-guests have to be cleared with her, first. HE needs to deliver this message to his daughter and enforce it. If he refuses, well, then this relationship is in trouble and the wedding hasn't even happened yet. I wish her luck.
Dad needs to handle this situation, not your sister. This girl is old enough to know that your sister is not her mother and, if her own parents won't impose limits, why should she take orders from your sister? Anything your sister says, any limits that she imposes on her soon-to-be stepdaughter will most likely backfire on her. Your sister and her fiance need to sit down and talk about the situation, talk about reasonable rules and boundaries for his daughter, he then needs to talk to his daughter about what had been discussed and then back up your sister up 100% from there on out. There has to be a united front.
The only other thing your sister may want to try is start talking to this girl about careers and colleges -- really selling the idea of going away to a great school, getting a great career and living a really nice lifestyle -- and explain to the girl that in order for her to do all this, she needs to study really hard and get enough sleep so that she can do well in school and hopefully get a scholarship. If the girl is not motivated or is not a dreamer, then this probably won't have influence on her.
Wishing your sister and her new family the best of luck.
Yeah, sometimes I don't want to do my dishes because I'm tired, but as an adult and parent, I do. Its called being a parent. Disciplining is a part of the job: tired, sick, whatever, its what needs to be done. And it is HIS responsibility. He brought her into the world. But, as it is her house and she is a responsible adult, she can set limits as to who is in her house, when and how long. Is there is a TV in her room, Why? Who is paying for her phone? Your brother in law can't disengage because its getting hard. He is setting his daughter up, not to mention his wife!
Jen
Too bad the dad is tired. Sounds like if he is tired with this baby then your sister will have an even more tired dad when she has her own. If she can survive on her own she might rethink the marriage. the step daughter isn't going to go away. I do not usually give this advice in fact almost never, especially when a baby is on the way, but I suggest she leave him. Soon. He can help with the baby when he's not so tired.
If they don't have a meeting of the minds when it comes to all children living in the house (his,mine and ours),and get some family counseling (especially regarding the out of control teen), she should leave until they do. It's only going to get words until it's worked out.
Blessings...
There's only one reason why a 16 yr old moves in with the dad, NO DISCIPLINE....he needs to step up.....so if I were your sis I would NOT allow anyone to come to the house & I would ask her nicely to turn off the tv, computer & phone by 10pm & if she doesnt respect her wishes then I would UNPLUG everything
My sister has the same issue with her stepchildren. Unfortunately it's up to the dad to discipline her. Sounds like he's a bit of a "Disney Dad" as they call dads who want to be fun instead of instigating rules. They need to set a bedtime and they can do this just by sitting down with the 16-year-old and getting her involved in setting the rules. Ask her what time she thinks is a fair time to turn out the lights and turn off the TV. Ask her what time her friends go to bed (if you can ask one of her friends in front of her first, that would be good as other kids usually volunteer this info pretty readily and it will give her something to stand by when the daughter wants to stay up at all hours). Allowances are always great for inspiring kids to clean up and do their chores, but if her dad is like my sister's husband, then he just hands her money freely so they have to start talking about chores and allowances, etc. Maybe what she can do is get a Love and Logic CD or DVD for her husband to watch. They have great ideas on how to get teens on board with rules and regulations. My mom parented this way and I can tell you it was very effective! But unfortunately if the husband's not on board... well, there's not much your sister can do except try and talk to the 16-year-old about how it's not fair to keep everyone in the house up or leave messes for her to clean up. But she has to do it in such a way as not to come off as the bad guy or she'll end up looking like the "stepmonster". My sister and her husband are in couples therapy dealing with this very issue. There are also lots of stepmothers forums on the internet she can join to get good ideas on this.
Have her read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday- I forgot her last name. She can check it out at the library. Its an AMAZING book for stepmoms, and really gives you help, hope and SUPPORT with a bit of humor (the title says it all about how society feels about stepmoms- completely unfair!).
Tell her good luck- getting into a situation like that is hard and not easy- especially with a baby on the way.
Tell your sister she is in no way in any shape to discipline her boyfriend's daughter. It will just cause bad blood, and put her between them all. Children issues in 2nd marriages (or relationships) are the #1 cause of the breakup of those relationships.
Her boyfriend needs to step up to the plate. If he doesn't respect your sister enough to listen to her and enforce some rules on the step-daughter, then that relationship is off to a shaky start (the relationship between sister and boyfriend).
Either the daughter needs to move back to Mom, or boyfriend needs to do his part - no excuses. However, this needs to be discussed with the boyfriend without the daughter being present.
Keep in mind - what the older sister does, will be imitated by the younger siblings.
It is the dad's job to do the discipline, not your sister's. If he won't, sent her back to her mom. Your sister has other responsibilities and will soon have more. It is time for her to put her foot down, so the her boyfriend can set his daughter straight or send her back.
If I were her I would tell the father to either get the issues under control, or if he can not be bothered to parent the girl need to go back to her mom's house since she can not respect your rules and her father refuses to make her.
All he has to do is deal with it once, at a family meeting where the rules are listed and explained. After that she can dole out the discipline that they've ALL previously agreed to.
Makes ya wonder just what the issues with the bio mom are, huh? LOL Probably the same stuff but her mom doesn't put up with her behavior.
This guy needs to DEAL. He'll soon have 6 eyes watching him for guidance!
So you sister decided to hook up with a self centered slob. He brought his daughter who he trained well to be the same.
The father and the daughter need therapy or your sister will be a single mother very soon.
