Help with Stepchildren

Hi There,
I am not a step parent, but it does sound like it is just typical kid behavior. If it wasn't this and you were their bio mom, they would be something giving you a hard time about something else. Hang in there, a few months is a short time. It may take years for them to fully accept you.

Dear K.,
I hear the struggle in your heart and I am going to give you my thoughts about your situation. Please glean what you want and enjoy your beautiful family!
First is to have fun and relax. Your little ones are also confused, hurt and don't understand all that is happening.
Take time to listen to them....talk to them...and hear how they are "feeling". You are not their mom, never will be their mom.....they have a mom, you are a "second" mom that they are going to know as a blessing in their life because you love them no matter what they say or do. Daddy needs to always be by your side, letting the children hear how much he loves you and how special you are to him. he also needs to be the one to discipline his own children...when it's really a serious matter because the "step mom" thing will rear it's ugly head if you do this. There are a lot of good materials out there for you to read.....and one I would suggest is go to Oprah's website and search for a guest she had on about two or three weeks ago who did a show about children of divorced parents. His words of wisdom were gold nuggets when it comes to how to help the children communicate how they are feeling. The children are scared, they feel responsible for what has happened (no matter what an adult tells them they are sure they could get mom and dad back together) they feel they could have done something to save the marriage. They have a LOT of emotions inside, they just don't know what to do with them.....so take time, alone with each child, talk to them slowly while coloring or doing a puzzle. Learn what questions to ask and then listen to their little hearts speak when they feel safe.
The only other thing I would encourage you to do is never, never speak bad of their mom, and encourage them to only speak good of her too. This will keep them from playing the game of one against the other. Just be positive about their mom, no matter what, they love her and that will never change. If they don't want to call you mom, that's ok too. Let them call you what ever they want.....in time, they will feel in their heart what place you have and it will be wonderful! This is such a difficult situation and I'm so glad to see you reaching out for advice and help. There are no perfect answers but you are blessed with three fantastic little ones and your heart will be blessed too!!!!
Enjoy them........laugh with them, cry with them, love them....that's what they need. And find that speaker from Oprahs show........it was an amazing episode and it will open your eyes and heart to what is happening in their little lives.
God bless you everyday....with strength and wisdom.
D.

I am not a step parent but a child from a divorced family. I would not push anything. I used to fight with my stepmom about the same things and she would tell me that she had the authority to take me away from my mom. I never called her mom. And she always thought I had a bad attitude coming from my moms. But the truth is I never wanted to leave. I respected my stepmom but I still loved my mom and wanted to be with her. I didnt have a choice who to stay with. Just take it slow... don't worry about them calling you mom. It takes time. And make sure never to say anything bad about their mom cause I know my Dad and my step mom did and I still resent them for that.

Kids will always challenge you especially the older they get whether you are their birth or step parent. It is natural for them to act different when they get back from visiting their birth mom, but you can set limits of what is acceptable for you and your husband. I think you should read some books on step children to find out what is normal and what isn't. I don't know the age of your children, but my own have became very difficult around 10 years (it varies with the child's personality). Good luck and stick in there; as long as you let them know what is and isn't acceptable you are doing the right thing. Kids need limits.

ok this is from a Mom of a child with a stepdad. i will give you the other side. 1st of all their mom is their mom no matter what she has done or how often they see her. you will never take the place of her . insisting they call you mom will only cause them to do the opposite. you need to find another acceptable name. my sons doad is Pa and my husband is Dad. like your children my son didnt have any contact with his biological father for 9 years until now. but he decided on the names and that is what he is comfortable with. On them challenging your rules and saying what their mom says is right and wrong... you need to tell them your rules at your house. write them down if you have to and tell them that its ok if their mom has different rules but at your house these are the rules and they will abide by them or these will be the consequences. and you have to stick by them because if you dont and are trying to stay on their good side by not following through they will instantlyknow they can get away with stuff. when my son visited his father in the very begining, he too came back different. he would leave on fri come back onsun and took us till wed to get him back in shape again then in tow weeks it was the same thing. this is a lot of change for them and that is how they react. he had absolutley no discipline at his fathers and when he came back he tried to do the same things he was doing at his fathers. the posted rules and consequences came in handy. but i give him credit he still tried. he stopped seeing his father when he remairried because the "stepmonster" (his name for her) didnt like children and his father told him that he would grow up and get married and would leave and that hsi stepmom would always be there for him. he was 7. and he told his dad ok but she is not always going tostay with you becaus emy mom didnt either. wisdom form a 7 yr old. he is now 17 and just started seeing his dad 2 months ago. the relationship is strained but by his choice he only sees his Pa in our town and makes sure im around. His Pa and the stepmonster came to see him run a race this weekend and when it was over he told them he had to go home and recover before the awards. i took him aside and asked if he wanted to invite them home it would be ok and he said that he really didnt want to be around them. so i respected that. when he was younger he would always try to get to his step dad. he even told him that his Pa's Pee pee was bigger than his (at age 5). we never did anythign to show him that we were amused or angry, kind of just ignored his comments. but we both stuck by our rules and when he got in trouble we both sat down and talked to him together so that he knew we were on the same page. he is now best firends with his dad and getting toknow his Pa again. his stepdad and he go hunting, riding motorcylces, running and my husband coaches his wrestling team. they spend more time toether than me and him but that is ok. he confides in his stepdad more than he does me sometimes but that is ok. one of the rules i have stuck by is to never say anything bad about his father or stepmother tohim or to allow him to overhear anything. unlike his father who always said bad things about me and my husband. i told him that his dad was just sad and angry because we werent able to live in the same house anymore but that in time things would get better. this also taught him to respect people for their transgressions becaus ethey may not be in the right state of mind when they say things.

Hi. I don't know how to deal with your kids as a stepmom, because I'm not one, but I am a child whose parents got divorced and my mom remarried. I don't call my stepdad "Dad" because I have such an awesome dad to begin with, that I don't feel the need and/or want to replace him in my life. Brian is my stepdad, and my mom's new husband, but he is also my new friend. He is not a replacement in our family, but an addition to it. Maybe you can make sure that your new stepkids feel that way... that you aren't trying to replace their mom, you just want to add to the love that they are recieving. I'm 23 years old, and I still get "disciplined" by my parents, and I respect Brian's opinion just as much as my mom and dad's. I wish you the best of luck, and remember, don't replace, add.

K.,

I have been a Step Mom for 9 years. It is a very hard job. My suggestion is to have a talk with your husband. You both need to sit down with the children. He needs to let his children know and you should also let your child know that you are a team. Any and all rules apply the same to all the children and their father exspects them to listen and obey you as you exspect your daughter to do the same with your husband.

Make sure you spend quality time with each of the children. You have to build a relationship with them. You said you have only been in their life full time for a few months. Depending on their ages they may not understand your role or they may not like the idea of another Mom taking their Mom's place. Believe me it doesn't matter how involved their own Mother is in their life.

After 9 years I have learned that no matter what. I know my relationship with my stepchildren is good. I am the parent they always come to with no matter what they need, but should their Mom call and want to finally spend 5 minutes with them, they will forget who I am.

The most important thing is for you and your husband to discuss things and agree with chores, punishments, activities. You have to do it as a team. The kids need to see you as a united front, or they will work at coming between you.

Hi K.,
I adopted my 3 stepchildren a few years ago. Their birth mom passed away so I am in a different situation than you, but I am sure their are many ways we can relate. My best advice is to be the most posotive influance to them. THey are probably emotionally confused and need to know you are their #1 support. I had struggles in the beginning also but now things could not be better. I would love to chat more with you if you would like. I understand what you are goinig through completely!

A. R.

First, I'd say...take it slow. You've only been in the picture fulltime for a few months, yet you are talking about them calling you mom, adoption, etc. Blended families take a LOT of time to...well...blend!
Background: I'm a custodial step mom, and have been for 5 years. My kids see their mom a little less than yours do - each kid has gone from 9 months - 1 year without seeing mom at all. We bonded VERY quickly, but even then, there's been ups and down.

I don't remember if you mentioned how old the kids are. But, most step parents will tell you that it's a long process, and is often the "one step forward, two steps back" process.

The first thing that jumped out is the 'mommy' thing. Don't expect, and don't push them, to call you mom or mommy. They have a mom, and she is in the picture, although not much. It's very important for them to maintain that relationship, no matter how screwed up she might be (i'm guessing about that - of course, she could be lovely). So, if you don't like them calling you by your first name, pick something else that's neutral - even "Mommy K." can be loaded. In my case, I've done all the mom things for these kids for 5 years, and they now even routinely put me down in the "mother's information" section of paperwork. But I still don't expect them to call me mom. That's reserved for their mom. If mom totally disappears, then all bets are off, but if she maintains any contact, decide together something to call you that makes you both comfortable.

Expect that they will talk about their mom, especially after seeing her. Also, don't be surprised if they idealize her - 'mom would see us more if she could'. They are trying to make things work in their head, and face it, few kids want to admit that their mom doesn't want to see them! Never ever say anything bad about their mom to them, even if she says something horrible about you -kids WILL remember who said the bad things and who doesn't (LOTS of experience on this one!)

I'm not sure about the adoption statement - is BM (birth mom) willing to sign over her parental rights? If not, I think adoption is out of the question, isn't it?

Yes, step kids will push your buttons - so do your birth kids! Keep in mind that you will have all the challenges of an intact birth family (kids pushing buttons, testing limits/authority) AND all the challenges of a blended family.

Sounds like you are pushing hard to make everything a nice neat package, but the reality is, it rarely works that way. Let things find their own level. There will be some days when you love each other like nothing else,and some days when the kids (or you!) will want and need some space. That's perfectly normal, and things will eventually find their own level. Good luck!

Oh K., how i feel for you. I have been a step mom of four for 5 years now and it still happens today where the kids come back so differently. It is probably worse with me because they are with mom 1 week and with dad 1 week and so on. By the time they get climatized here it's time for them to go back over there. Know for sure their mom is very much in their heads. Let them know you know you are not their birth mom, but you are their mom as well. Their second mom or stepmom. I know you don't like it, but you don't want to look like the bad guy to them when their birth mom is putting all this stuff in their minds. Let them know as well you see them as your own even though they are not. Reassure them of this as many times as it takes, because she will too. What you feed your mind, heart, spirit and soul, is what you are stronger in. So pour much love on them regardless of what they call you. As they get older and mature they will be able to see who did the talk and the walk.

You can personally contact me any time. Us stepmoms have one of the toughest jobs and need to stick together!