Spoiling a Newborn

I agree with everyone's post so far....you can never spoil a new baby. Crying is their only form of communication with you and you need to fill their needs, even if it's just comfort because they are in an unfamiliar situation.

I use the "smile & nod" technique when people tell me I'm spoiling my baby. I know I'm not as now that he's crawling and getting into things, I have to tell him NO all the time when he gets into things he shouldn't. If he cries about me saying NO, then I don't respond to his mini tantrums and he usually shuts up.

You'll know when he's crying just to get his way as he gets older :) If you give in then...that is spoiling him! hehe

I say you're right. You can't spoil that baby! He's most comfortable with you and there's nothing wrong with that.

You can't actually "spoil" a newborn. Responding to cries builds trust and confidence within the family unit. It is our 'parents way' to think so, because that was the advice "back then" but it does not hold true. babies also respond differently based on personality, and situations. SOme babies will go with ANY stranger, some dont. Some don't do well in environments outside the home, or get overstimulated easy and need the comfort and security of mom/dad's arms.

I always try and put myself in the situation. i think I would be pretty upset if I was handed over to strangers for touching, feeling, kissing etc, even more so when we're somewhere 'strange' already. It would only be normal to want back with mom and dad.

My daughter did the same, even more so when we traveled to visit the inlaws. They said the same thing, about the spoiling, and that she didn't do anything but 'cry, and nurse'. But then they came to see her here, and they saw a complete difference. We just stuck to our guns, because we knew that we were doing the best by our daughter, regardless all the -most ofthe time unwanted- advice.

there's great books out there that can ressure you, like the sears 'the baby book' and my parenting favorite 'becoming the parent you want to be'.

There is no such thing as spoiling a baby.. or any child for that matter, by giving them attention and love.

Crying is his only means of communication and what he is screaming is "mommy.... daddy.... I NEED you".

As he gets older, he will become more comfortable with other people and he will become more independent where he doesn't need so much of your attention.... but until then, give him all you can :) Before you know it... they no longer even want to talk to us LOL

B. ~
You can NEVER spoil an infant. An infant cries when his/her needs are not being met (if they are hungry, tired, have a dirty diaper, not being stimulated enough, or being stimulated too much). By picking up your son when he cries, you are being a good parent! You are trying to meet his needs. Generally speaking, a child does not understand how to "manipulate" situations to get what they want until 2 or 3 years old. (Some may grasp that sooner if they are highly highly intelligent). So please please continue to love your son as your miracle baby (I have one of those too) as you have and continue to meet his needs just as you have. Keep up the good work! God Bless.
~ S.

It sounds like he is going through separation anxiety and this is a normal stage. Don't listen to your parents. I found that my mom was cool with how I wanted to deal with this, but my in-laws criticized everything I did from breastfeeding to changing diapers. You do what you feel is best. He is obviously frightened of being away from you, so don't push it. He will go to others when he is ready.

I am of the midframe that you cannot spoil a child at 5 months old. Right now you are teaching him to trust and know that his needs are met.

I think the more you can hold and snuggle with your baby the first year the more independent they will be later. Find some way you can "wear" your baby, whether it's baby bjorn, sling, whatever. This will let you do the things you need to do around the house and he will still be comforted. You will give him a very solid foundation of security. Then encourage his independence later. However, finding a few other people who can take care of him is good. One thing that worked for us is sit right next to the person you want to be able to hold them. Then sit the baby on both of your laps and let him just hang out. And then have them start to give him a bottle (if you're doing that, I breastfed and pumped so I could get a little time away).

At least that's what worked for my son who's 4 1/2 now. And after about 18 months was fine with whomever, almost never separation stress (it shows up once every few months when I want to go out by myself and he wants to go with me).

You know, my mother told me the same thing with my first child. But I read "Happiest Baby on the Block" and "The Baby Whisperer". Both had very good suggestions on dealing with cranky babies. My daughter was a little tempermental. But these books (especially "The Baby Whisperer") taught me exactly to put her on a schedule....a schedule for EVERYTHING. By doing this, it eliminated her worry or fears of what was coming next. She never really cried after that from hunger, for example...because I was always a few steps ahead of her. Even naps and night time were so much easier.

I'm not sure if any of this will help you or not, but strict schedules really seem to keep cranky babies become a little more predictable. It's also easier then to tell what they might be upset about.

As for the Grandma's, just handle that with a bit of grace. I'm sure you'll do fine. A smile will go a long way. Just remember, there's a maternal instinct so strong to help your child when they're upset... no one can tell you to supress such feelings. It wouldn't be natural. When my daughter was very little, my breasts would leak every time I would even SEE another baby crying! It's a physical response as well as emotional. Your heart is certainly in the right place!

Good luck to you, I'm sure the "spoiling" concern will work itself out. Oh, and if your child is fearfull of strangers (as my daughter was), acknowlege that. Explain to everyone that it's now their fault, and it's just a phase...(yadda yadda yadda) and he'll grow out of it. Then take him away. It's not worth (in my opinion) the undue stresses, when it's a phase that will pass. Plus, you want your child to know that if he feels unsafe (no matter how rediculous it seems)that you will help him feel more comfortable, and with that, will come confidence.

Moms know best. You cannot spoil a new born. This is your child and you now have a mothers intuition, go off of it.

G.

I think this is a stage that most all babies go through at some point. Every baby that I have known has gotten over it as he or she becomes more comfortable with people other than mom. By taking your baby back into your arms, you are only reconfirming to your baby your perfect love for him and that he can trust you. There is no safer place for a baby than in his mother's arms, and he is probably just starting to realize that this is where he feels safest and where he wants to be. You are not spoiling him, or ruining him, or any other absurd thing like that, you are only loving him, showing your trust to him, and supporting his needs and desires. Dr. Sears and Jan Hunt have written a lot about the needs babies have for their mothers, if you want to look into it some more.

-A.

I thought the same thing but babies at the age really dont need or really want to passed around to strangers I know its very sweet that people think my baby is cute but there is a thing called germs that people carry and babies are sensative so dont worry about the spoiling thing when he is ready you will know

I'm with the others here, I think there is no such thinga spoiling a baby. I think you have to respond to his cries, and that's that. However, if you want him to go to other people, you might try sleeping with a toy of his every night,(so it gets your scent) and tucking that near him when he is with others. Also, I think 6 months is an average age for stranger anxiety ( it comes in stages) and it might just be a normal stage, since no child expereinces everything at exactly the same time.

MY DAUGHTER IS 3 1/2 MONTHS OLD AND MY DAUGHTER WONT LET ANYONE BUT ME HOLD HER. THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I GO TO SCHOOL FULL TIME AND I AM A SINGLE MOM. I AM SO LOST AS TO WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, I JUST CAN'T EVEN STUDY OR GET MY HOUSE CLEAN BECAUSE SHE IS SO NEEDY. NOT ONLY WILL SHE NOT LET ANYONE ELSE HOLD HER, BUT SHE WON'T BE HAPPY BY HERSELF EITHER, IT HAS TO BE ME, I HAVE TO ALWAYS HOLD HER. EVEN AT NIGHT LATELY, SHE WON'T SO TO SLEEP UNLESS SHE SLEEPS WITH ME AND WAKES UP WHEN I PUT HER IN HER CRIB. I NEED HELP TOO, SO I'M ANXIOUS TO SEE SOME OF THE RESPONSES TO THIS QUESTION. PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME TO LAY HER DOWN AND LET HER CRY OR JUST LET ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER HOLD HER AND LET HER CRY UNTIL SHE GETS USED TO IT BUT NO MATTER HOW LONG I TRY SHE WON'T GET USED TO IT, SHE JUST CRYS TILL SHE CHOKES HERSELF, EVEN IF I TRY TO COMFORT HER WITHOUT PICKING HER UP. I NEED HELP WITH THIS TOO. UNLIKE YOU B., I DO NOT THINK THIS IS SWEET, IT IS STRESSFUL FOR ME. I DONT THINK IT IS SPOILING THEM AT THIS AGE, BUT I THINK IT WILL LEAD TO BEING SPOILED QUICKLY.

I HAVE TAKEN HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF CHILD CARE AND CHILD DEVELOPMENT CALSSES, AND AGREE THAT A CHILD CANNOT BE SPOILED, AGAIN, THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO MANIPULATE AT THIS AGE. WHAT YOU CAN DO IS CONDITION THEM, WHICH IT SOUNDS LIKE MAY BE HAPPENING. HE HAS BEEN CONDITIONED THE RECEIVEING ALL OF THIS ATTENTION AND NOW TRULY NEEDS LOTS OF IT. I RUN AN IN-HOME DAYCARE, AND WHEN I HAD MY DAUGHTER ALMOST 11 MONTHS AGO, I KNEW THAT I HAD TO BE ABLE TO SPREAD MY ATTENTION, SO FROM THE TIME SHE WAS A COUPLE OF WEEKS OLD, I WORKED WITH HER ON PUTTING HERSELF TO SLEEP AND CALMING HERSELF, SHE IS A PRETTY INDEPENDENT BABY NOW, SHE STILL NEEDS MY LOVE AND ATTENTION, PROBABLY MORE THAN THE OTHER KIDS, AND SHE GETS IT. I GUESS MY POINT IS, THAT IF YOU HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY THEN IT IS GREAT. I ALSO AGREE THAT IF YOU PLAN ON TAKING YOUR BABY TO A DAYCARE THEN YOU START WORKING ON THIS. YOUR BABY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET THAT MUCH ATTENTION IN A DAYCARE SETTING, AND IT WOULD TURN OUT I THINK TO BE VERY STRESSFUL ON THE PROVIDER.

HI! I am a mom of a 17 month old. In my personal experience, my husband and I fully believe that it is not possible to spoil a baby by soothing his or her cries immediately and giving all the love they ask for. I too had a father and brother who disagree with this practice, although who live far away which helped our disagreement. We did this with our daughter (17 month old) from the day she was born and we will with the one that is on the way. As she got to be a year old and after, the time we took respond to her was slowly, in small increments, prolonged in order to prevent crying sessions. So, today she is able to wait and entertain herself when it is appropriate (phone call, bathroom run, cooking, etc.)despite our attending to her every cry immediately when she was an infant. If she needs us immediately during these times when she would normally wait, she lets us know in one way or another depending on what it is. In fact, I would say that by attending to her every cry when she was an infant we established a trust between us that has helped us all later. She knows we will attend to her needs even if she has to wait a few minutes or immediately if she communicates this to us.

You might look up Dr. William Sears on the internet. He is a believer in "attachment parenting" after 8 children and years of being a pediatrician. You might also search for "attachment parenting". This could give you some insight into this less common practice of parenting albeit just as valid and effective. The bottom line in my opinion is that you and your husband need to come up with the method that works for you and your child. You know your child and yourselves better than anyone including your parents. If you do choose to continue this way, the biggest challenge will be dealing with "well-intentioned Grandmas". But there are ways to diminish their criticisms nicely, such as by refocusing them by asking their advice about other baby things that do not pertain to this method such as how to entertain the baby, etc.

Best of luck. J.

You definitely can't spoil your newborn at this age. Here is an article written by a pediatrician about spoiling babies. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T100200.asp I can recommend any of Dr. Sears book or any of Dr. Jay Gordon's books as well. Both are prominent pediatrician's and have a lot of experience and scientific knowledge behind their information.
W. Jones
Breastfeeding Educator
http://www.mosaicbaby.com

At this age you can't spoil a newborn. Maybe there is something that the two of you do that others don't that is conmforting. My daughter was the same way and she has since grwon out of it but now at ten months we are starting to experience stranger anxiety. It is just another stage they go through. As far as well intetioned grandmas, I always use the "I appreciate your advice but I have to learn from my own experiences and mistakes. I would appreciate you advice on...(a cure for diaper rash, quick dinners, anything that would make them feel included).

I agree with all of the above, but mainly with Johanna C. Find a sling, carrier, something to securely carry your son while you get the things you need done. He'll still feel secure and close, but you won't go as crazy. You're doing fine, keep up the good work.

Your baby isnt acting spoiled by not letting other people hold him, he is going thru stranger anxiety. There isnt much you can do for a child like, its he's personality that determines who can and can not hold him. Basically this mean that your child is shy. One of the best ways to help him is by going places where there are lots of people around and get him use to the fact that there are more people in the world then mom and dad. Like all other parents will tell you, hold your baby as much as you want, he is only little for a short while.

B.,
In my opinion, you can't spoil a child with love. I say if he cries and you want to hold him, then do so!
I had inlaws and family tell me that I shouldn't hold my baby so much or pack them around on my hip like I did.
The way I see it, at what other point in your life do you get a chance to embrace so much the little one who is your whole world? You'll miss it when they turn into the anti-hug toddler so do what's comfortable to you. Everyone has their own parenting style.

maybe she is just jealous and wants to hold the baby?

or maybe she really disapproves. i don't know.

but - this is something i came to learn with our son - you are the mom. your husband is the daddy, and it is *your* choice to do what you feel is best and safest and most loving for your little boy.

if you think he's scared, and you want to take him back, then do so. you're not going to spoil him by showing him that you're not disappearing just because he's being held by someone else.

as he gets older, you will probly begin to learn what his cries mean, and discern between those that mean 'i'm scared!' and the ones that mean he's just trying to get his way.

either way, a confident child is one who's loved and secure with his parents, and it sounds like you're doing what you feel is necessary to give him that start.

as for your mom, maybe you could practice saying 'i appreciate your concern, but we are doing what we feel is best for him' to your husband until it feels natural and then say it to her.

R.

There really isn't such thing as "spoiling" a newborn. You can encourage good sleep patterns, encourage socialization, healthy eating, etc. However, I don't necessarily consider a 5-month-old a "newborn" per se. He's definitely an "infant" which is a different animal, and you probably should be thinking about when and how it is appropriate to respond to a 5-month-old's cries. Is your child sleeping through the night? By now, he should be. If he's not, it may be that you respond too quickly to his nighttime cries. Believe it or not, even a baby that young is starting to learn cause and effect. Obviously, not knowing the personality of your child, or your circumstances, it is impossible to tell you exactly what you should do. You are setting many behavioral precedents. In a nutshell, get to know your child's personality. There is no parenting book on earth that can do that for you, nor can the grandparents. If your baby is "manipulating" you, then beware caving. Beyond that, smother him with affection. You can't cuddle and kiss a baby too much. As far as grandparents.... oye. Accept the fact that the grandparents will never cease to be an issue. Don't be afraid to stand your ground.