Speaking to My Toddler About Death

Did your daughter attend the funeral? Perhaps if you take her to the cemetary and show her the grave and talk about how her aunt's body is there but her spirit/soul/whatever your beliefs are is wherever your beliefs dictate. It's hard for that age to grasp something as abstract as death and the soul but physically seeing the grave might help. Not an expert myself though. Maybe check out some books on the subject- I would worry about my child being scared of graves/death if I didn't handle the explanation well.

My husband passed away a little over a year ago, when my son was 2-1/2. There are several important things to remember when you are talking to little ones about death.
1) Kids do not grieve the way adults do (thank goodness!), so we shouldn't try to make them. They do not need to be sad that this person has gone, however they should be able to understand that other people are sad because they miss this person.
2) Kids are literal. Its very important to speak about the fact that the person died and not gloss over that fact by saying that the person was lost, has passed away, or is no longer with us. That can be very scary for children, as they will associate these other words - which we use all the time - with a permanent disappearance.
3) Be honest. Tell them the truth, in words they can understand, about why she died. For example, my husband died of a heart attack. I told my son that his Daddy's heart was broken so badly the doctor's couldn't fix it, so he died and now he's in heaven and he can't come back. This is a story he can relate to, and retell when he wants to. I've also told him that his Daddy died too early because his heart was broken. Most people live to be very old - older than the dinosaurs - so that he doesn't worry about my death.
4) (If this is what you believe,) avoid talking about seeing the person in heaven. Many well intentioned people have told my toddler not to worry because he'll see his dad again soon in heaven. This is very confusing to small children, who do not understand time. This can be taught to them when they are older, but at this young age it should be communicated that the person will not be seen again.

Of course, every child and every situation is different, but these have worked well for my child (so far!). Best of luck!

I'm so sorry to hear of your family's loss.

When my Aunt passed, I told my daughter that what made "her" -- her spirit and personality -- was like my daughter inside her clothes. Her "clothes" -- her body -- had to be set aside because her body was sick, but her spirit was fine but we cannot "see" her. I explained that spirits cannot die, and that everyone has a spirit "inside" the body we see.

Depending on your faith, you introduce God or reincarnation, and remind your daughter that she can continue to talk about and remember your aunt, never forgetting what your aunt gave your family or pretending she never existed.

Hey J.,

Has your child ever seen "Brother Bear"? Sitka goes "up to the stars" to be part of the "lights that touch the mountains". He looks down on everyone and keeps them safe. My husband lost his nephew a few months ago, and sometimes my girls will look at his picture. I tell them to go outside and look at the stars, and listen to the wind blow. That is Cousin Johnnie.

That works for them.

E.

J.,
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.
You have received a lot of good advice on how to talk to your child. As one other person said, it is very important to be careful on the language you use. For example, to say "went away" or "lost", then your child may decide to go "look" for your aunt.

I would also suggest going to the library and ask the librarian for assistance on some books to read to your daughter. Pre-school aged children can relate very well to reality via a story.

One thing that I didn't see mentioned is about being around the family at Christmas. I would caution you about having your child not bring up the subject of your aunt. It's okay if she sees you or others crying as this is a normal reaction to grief. It will teach your daughter that it is okay to be sad and to express her feelings in an appropriate way. She can be told that the person(s) crying is sad at the moment as they are remembering the aunt and is sad that she has died.

My thoughts are with you at this time.
R.

You have some great advice below. Really not too much to add to it.
Death is something that everyone has a hard time explaining but keeping it as simple as possible at her age is the best. My sons both grew up knowing they had an older brother that is not with us. Each funeral is another reminder of that and another chance to explain a little more. At 3 & 4, doctors just couldn't get the pain away and God (angels) took the person to a painfree place.
Funerals are earths way of saying goodbye to the loved one and lean on us to the survivor. It shows that even gone, memories will always live on. We cherish memories of all those gone before us and have always allowed out children to ask questions.
Starts are great! Each is someone's Aunt, grandma, grandpa and the kids know the stars are up there and see them.
My boys are much older, the questions are harder (like why did our friend commit suicide last week!) but we get through it. Our Lutheran background plays a HUGE roll in things now, but at 3, children don't quite get the whole picture.
My biggest advice is NEVER tell a child it's like going to sleep or they will "look like" they are asleep! The fear that that puts into them will take years to reverse. My mother did that, and if it wasn't for the religious background, I'm not sure I'd be able to sleep. It took a long time to get through those thoughts.
Simple is best, add to it as your child grows. She'll/he'll understand. It will take longer for them to verbalize their thoughts. In the meantime, keep kleenex handy.

I am not sure what your beliefs are but when I lost my grandparents we told our daughter they went to live with the angels and that they will always be watching out for us even if we can't see them.

as a Christian, my grandmother passed away when my son was 2 - almost as diffiuclt. We go to church, and he goes to Sunday School and Children's Church, so he hears about God and Heaven. I told him when Grandmother died, she knew God as her Savior and she went to Heaven to live with Him and my son accepted that. He is a very faith filled child. At 12, he still is. Hope this helps.

This is unfortunately something I have recent experience with. My mother passed away in September, and she and my 3 year old son were VERY close. It was rather sudden, and he has had a lot of questions. The way I explained it was similar to the way I explained when their dog had to be put to sleep last year. I told him that the doctors really tried to make her feel better, but sometimes they just couldn't, and so she went to live in heaven so she could feel good again. I told him the only problem was that she couldn't come back from there, but that she COULD watch over us and see him, and that she was really happy to see him. I am not an extremely religious person, but I think it really helps small children if they have a "place" to put the person in their minds.

I did take him to the cemetery. I never mentioned that there were bodies there or that her body was there. I told him that was where people went right before they went to heaven -kind of like us going to the airport before a trip. I thought telling him about her body might further confuse him and freak him out, so we call her gravesite her special place, and I told him we could go there whenever he wanted and we can take flowers because that makes her happy. We took some pumpkins on Halloween, and I also told him he could speak to her -that she wouldn't speak back, but that she would hear him.

Now, I understand if your beliefs are different. I do believe in an afterlife, but my beliefs are far more ambiguous than what I told my son. However, at the age of 3, death is such a huge concept that I found simple explanations that also made him feel better really helped. They have plenty of time to find out more truths regarding death and form their own opinions as they grow up. Sometimes he still asks why she won't come back or remarks that she went to heaven, and he says he misses her. I told him that's why I cried and his grandfather cried sometimes -because we miss her. You can tell your daughter not to talk too much about your aunt over Christmas because it may make other family sad, but if she has a concrete explanation in place, she probably won't say too much except maybe that Aunt is in heaven.